Epiphany = Fracture

There was a moment last year where I have said my true self got a hold of my everything else and took control. The true self has gotten lost as of late. The stumbling in all this doesn't surprise me, we all do, especially since as we joked through everything, I'm basically starting life over. I'm all for starting over, all for making mistakes, however some of those mistakes have lead to moments in the last few weeks I never want to repeat in my single life ever again.

That really isn't the epiphany part of things. I was in a church last night (maybe a surprise to some of you), and I had a moment where I realized that "this" (AB) is a mess of my enabling self, and in the end nothing becomes of it all. Now yes I realized that is about the most obvious epiphany summation I could come up with - there was a lot more, but well that all can be summed up with another obvious realization, I'm loved by God and my community more than AB, and they up hold me, and I need to be honorable before them.

So really what in the end does this all come down to - a love/hate relationship with AB, as I try and let the self respect part of me become the inner survival b*tch we all have. AB won't commit, he won't, it's the mantra I've come to begin to repeat. I am in one way or another a hindrance to a life he thinks he needs to live, and maybe he does. I understand that belief, hell it was one of the reasons I life CEF in the dust, it was one of the polite reasons. but I know it isn't normally the predominate reasons.

I know I'm not really making sense, I guess it comes down to these issues:

1. I care deeply for AB in a romantic sense, love him as a person

2. He wants to go to Japan for an extended period of time - that's fine - to be honest I would have no issue if we were in a relationship if he wanted to do this - if it became an issue - I wouldn't have an issue with moving there if that was asked of me, of course there would have to be some kind of formal commitment in that case - that's a general thing - regardless of the person.

3. I have goals in my future - those goals seem to cause concern to AB, though I don't believe I'm wrong by saying I know they are in his future view of himself.

4. I am aware that there is a high percentage chance that regardless of things said and things done that AB could as he said yesterday and I quote "pick a different pichachu for his pokemon" whatever the hell that is.

So I think this is where that chasm opens ever so slowly, and things fall apart only to come back together in different ways - with pieces of AB laced into the fabric, but neither as the warp or the weft.

Musical selection

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cassyratz/2802021509/