Bipolar

I am not clinically bipolar, but I might just be a true Gemini - I have a split personality when it comes to the matters of the heart. Recently I came to realize that the clinical, practical, methodical part of me that entered into relationships in the past has left the building, and now I find myself saying things I would have in a previous life never thought to have even uttered. What happened? I don't know to be honest. I am looking for the pendulum to swing back and somehow wedge itself somewhere in the middle. But I think some how we're here for the meantime and I need to find away not to love with wild abandon as was recommended by a lady for whom her mental health has been questioned, so maybe not.

Right now it's more like learning how not to love with wild patience, unrealistic, more than guaranteed heartbreak and yet here I am. I am going through the motions of dating other men, of "keeping my options open" and all the while finding no way imaginable to get my heart to follow suit. We tried silence, we are seeing each other less, though it could be argued that the time together has a more intimate tone to it now given the course of events. It's in the end a non-friendship that has no definition, about as gray as possible, and I am not okay with it in moments, like the moments where I wish I could get to hold his hand, and other times where I know that somewhere I signed up for the waiting. I signed up for the option of no guilt, no coercion, no but you ___, but rather something else. What the duck as my Blackberry likes to say.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/crazycatchthecat/3676038407/ - I love the title of the shot - He makes me bipolar does that mean I like him. Yes honey I think it does.