A deep deep hole to hide in and drink and KAB you're going to want to look away as while the language is censored, it still might make you blush/uncomfortable.
My hormones are screwing with me - my anxiety is through the roof and the whole situation with ODM (Online Dating Man - we'll revise that one later) is flip flopping me through emotional disappointment and fear - it's like one foot tentatively on the gas and a hard slam down on the brakes every so often as the whole online line and the whole I don't know if I can or want to get married thing happens - and yes we are not there yet, but that's the problem with the switch in the wiring of an evangelical brain you cannot just date because they're awesome and you're awesome, no it has to be all about marriage...
Regardless that's really not the big fish I want to fry - I would like to actually fry FB for allowing a blocked person to send me a message, said blocked person CEF.* Yes CEF contacted me and it turns out he's been talking with my brother - NLLLing NLLL you think you make these things clear to your family, friends and to CEF. I changed my number, I changed my email, now I blog, tweet etc only anonymously and the one place where I didn't think I needed to worry about changing my name - I find I am actually not safe.
Was it a horrible message - no, it was actually an apology - didn't need to see it, I really don't NLLL NLLL care.
I need a hole.
*It seems you can get around blocking by setting up multiple profiles... oh FB. So it is never going to be a safe place.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
A Little Blindsided
X had a rotten two weeks and hopefully he's in the process of beginning to turn the corner - but while it sucks that it has been rotten, I think it really has affirmed for me that we are good friends - and it is so much easier being his friend than his girlfriend, a lot less guilt.
But as for me, well I have been messaging daily with as of yet unnamed man in the chair, I haven't come up with a jazzy name for him yet and I don't know if I will because as amazing as our conversations have been, so much so to induce an, albeit irrational, meltdown about not being ready to get married. He informed me today that he's moving away. The move makes sense and is good for him, but it also indicates for me, one a deep sense of rootedness and it isn't going to happen. Now you're probably wondering if I was sitting on the fence about him why am I feeling all these mixed emotions. Mostly because he is a rare one in the faith community, completely liberal like me, educated and open, unashamed of any conversation. As I said to Ms. J at worst (like it seems now) he affirmed that the bar I set is completely achievable and I've got no reason to settle for less.
That doesn't really fix the weird hole in my heart I want to stuff with food.
But as for me, well I have been messaging daily with as of yet unnamed man in the chair, I haven't come up with a jazzy name for him yet and I don't know if I will because as amazing as our conversations have been, so much so to induce an, albeit irrational, meltdown about not being ready to get married. He informed me today that he's moving away. The move makes sense and is good for him, but it also indicates for me, one a deep sense of rootedness and it isn't going to happen. Now you're probably wondering if I was sitting on the fence about him why am I feeling all these mixed emotions. Mostly because he is a rare one in the faith community, completely liberal like me, educated and open, unashamed of any conversation. As I said to Ms. J at worst (like it seems now) he affirmed that the bar I set is completely achievable and I've got no reason to settle for less.
That doesn't really fix the weird hole in my heart I want to stuff with food.
Friday, July 26, 2013
UPDATE
So we're going on a little hiatus.
Before you start worrying that I got engaged, fear not. I am still as single and picky as ever. I am now however blogging over at
Before you start worrying that I got engaged, fear not. I am still as single and picky as ever. I am now however blogging over at
It is where I primarily plan on directing my attention (and my intentions - oh evang speak how you make my skin crawl). I will be periodically stopping over here to vent or what not.
On the topic of venting. While I am miles away from dating anyone I have been conversing regularly with a lovely man who checks off the majority of my requirements, so much so that if we'd been talking about me 5 years ago (before counselling) I would be declaring my intentions. Yes I know that is crazy, thus the therapy. However all that being said there is a major hurdle I do not honestly think I am prepared to deal with and that makes me feel like a horrible, shallow person. He's a fairly high up quad. I am not ruling him out, granted we have not met in person I don't even know if we have anything other than friend chemistry. So as it stands a nice guy with a lot of questions. Why couldn't this whole process be a lot easier?
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
So It Repeats AGAIN...
I am becoming daily all the more tempted to write the following letter to these men who are looking for this mystery feminine woman.
Dear EH Man,
I am wondering about your profile, it seems that you and most Christian men seem to be looking for a "feminine woman" to make you feel like a man. Would you mind explaining this to me? The reason I'm confused is as a woman I have never felt the need to turn any man or woman to make me feel like a woman, as well I am biologically so. Are you then looking for a woman who is prepared to inflate your own understanding of socially constructed gender identity by being a submissive, never questioning woman who functions as your other half, without herself being a whole independent person, with her own voice.
Thanks,
Questioning
Dear EH Man,
I am wondering about your profile, it seems that you and most Christian men seem to be looking for a "feminine woman" to make you feel like a man. Would you mind explaining this to me? The reason I'm confused is as a woman I have never felt the need to turn any man or woman to make me feel like a woman, as well I am biologically so. Are you then looking for a woman who is prepared to inflate your own understanding of socially constructed gender identity by being a submissive, never questioning woman who functions as your other half, without herself being a whole independent person, with her own voice.
Thanks,
Questioning
Sunday, July 14, 2013
EH Update 1
Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.
So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.
So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.
The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.
As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.
"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"
Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.
And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.
So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:
Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward
So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.
So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.
The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.
As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.
"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"
Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.
And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.
So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:
Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Okay, so you may want to sit down
I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is
AND
It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.
Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,* but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.
For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible
This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).
You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.
So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.
* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...
**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)
AND
Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,* but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.
For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible
Family
Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)
Fellowship with Christians
Nature
This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).
You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.
So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.
* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...
**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Hmpft
So I am beginning to see why my roommate had such a struggle with eHarmony. Yes the first day I did manage to get a few matches - one of whom I would consider a date with - beyond that it seems from my matches that I seriously over corrected from the narcissists that I found in January to the current situation of men who seem determined to evangelize me in their profiles.. sweet baby jebus. I find myself recoiling often at the content of the profiles, and not as usual the spelling mistakes and there are "alot". I am signing up for the shortest, basic option, so there will be time, this isn't a race to any finish line, it is however rather frustrating. I find myself once again realizing that as Ms. J put it "I'm really interested to see who it is that reels you in so to speak... you are a feisty filly (woah mixed metaphors, batman)." I get that, mixed metaphors and all and I'm not even touching on my previous live experiences or that many of these sweet men, well into their 30's many not take kindly at my life choices etc. - not that I care. I constantly feel trapped between those with more conservative or traditional faith perspectives and the liberal, almost or both feet out the faith door perspectives (which are legitimate, I'm not saying they are wrong).
Pausing for a second, consider this: one of today's matches indicated on his profile he has turned to Henry Cloud's book on dating - so I googled it (hey if you're going to indicate you're turning to self help books at 45 for dating let's see what it is), and it wasn't horrible (total shocker), not that I plan on purchasing it or listening more than the 5 minutes I did on Youtube - he basically argued that your life choices determine the people who you are most likely to meet an those you will be compatible with and in dating you need to be picking from those people because dates, in theory, can lead to marriage.
So, by "picking" or being "called" (both words I take issue with) to my future profession, I have eliminate a huge swath of men, a huge swath that would be eliminated for a whole host of other reasons to be clear. And then from there the next and probably largest swath (per eHarmony representation) is the suburb, nice car and lots of travel contingent. All are nice things - but this is where X and had some pretty lengthy discussions and I realized that I could settle for these things but I didn't want to - and dragging someone into a life in an inner city area or one of simplicity (also close to a hospital or in or in conjunction with a hospice) is not how a marriage works, not in my books at least. Then add to that my opinions about birth control and women's right choices and there are little to none standing.
So there we go - so far I'm too quirky (too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the agnostics) and that's just fine with me - being picky isn't a problem.
Pausing for a second, consider this: one of today's matches indicated on his profile he has turned to Henry Cloud's book on dating - so I googled it (hey if you're going to indicate you're turning to self help books at 45 for dating let's see what it is), and it wasn't horrible (total shocker), not that I plan on purchasing it or listening more than the 5 minutes I did on Youtube - he basically argued that your life choices determine the people who you are most likely to meet an those you will be compatible with and in dating you need to be picking from those people because dates, in theory, can lead to marriage.
So, by "picking" or being "called" (both words I take issue with) to my future profession, I have eliminate a huge swath of men, a huge swath that would be eliminated for a whole host of other reasons to be clear. And then from there the next and probably largest swath (per eHarmony representation) is the suburb, nice car and lots of travel contingent. All are nice things - but this is where X and had some pretty lengthy discussions and I realized that I could settle for these things but I didn't want to - and dragging someone into a life in an inner city area or one of simplicity (also close to a hospital or in or in conjunction with a hospice) is not how a marriage works, not in my books at least. Then add to that my opinions about birth control and women's right choices and there are little to none standing.
So there we go - so far I'm too quirky (too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the agnostics) and that's just fine with me - being picky isn't a problem.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
A little update
I've wanted to sit down and write a post so many times and either bailed because I was tired or I had a drink or feeling overly sentimental... well tonight I might have done or be all those things but alas here I am, writing.
I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.
Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.
As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.
Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.
I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.
Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.
As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.
Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Not Much to Say
Things will be getting busy in the next few weeks and it will be all sorts of wonderful. In the meanwhile things are just sort of in that let's get this NLLL stuff sorted out, all the stuff I had intentions on doing but just never get around to like, buying a real sports bra.
I have an aversion to buying bras, especially sports bras. I have never particularly felt comfortable with my matching lady parts. Being the first to get them and at an age where everyone wanted to stare at them sure didn't set me up for a lot of cherishing them, nor did the events that followed after those early years. That being said I do respect them and because I do I knew I needed to suck up my negative feelings and embrace the process. The process resulted in a shocking revelation. I'm a 34 DD according to the wonderful sports bra makers. I knew that I am small structurally in my upper body, but a DD(!) that I wasn't prepared for, nor was I thrilled with the idea I could be larger, especially considering that there are not a lot of options beyond that other than specialty products. One more reason I don't know if I want to have babies, I cannot imagine trying to run after afterwards.
Well that being said, on a positive note now I can run without an additional tank to brace them - wahoo.
All sorts of info I know you wanted to know... and in light of my 3 day weekend (craziness given I haven't had more than a day off a week since the middle of April)
I have an aversion to buying bras, especially sports bras. I have never particularly felt comfortable with my matching lady parts. Being the first to get them and at an age where everyone wanted to stare at them sure didn't set me up for a lot of cherishing them, nor did the events that followed after those early years. That being said I do respect them and because I do I knew I needed to suck up my negative feelings and embrace the process. The process resulted in a shocking revelation. I'm a 34 DD according to the wonderful sports bra makers. I knew that I am small structurally in my upper body, but a DD(!) that I wasn't prepared for, nor was I thrilled with the idea I could be larger, especially considering that there are not a lot of options beyond that other than specialty products. One more reason I don't know if I want to have babies, I cannot imagine trying to run after afterwards.
Well that being said, on a positive note now I can run without an additional tank to brace them - wahoo.
All sorts of info I know you wanted to know... and in light of my 3 day weekend (craziness given I haven't had more than a day off a week since the middle of April)
Monday, May 27, 2013
Men are...
a simple mystery
a complex simplicity
or something like that, because time after time they do things relationship wise and I find myself going, yep that seems about right, especially when it comes to getting into serious relationships. It seems for many (not all) that a serious relationship is the only logical step when transitioning into or out of a big life change.
Let's take RB for example - last summer he was the sort of dating and sort of like someone mumbling fool. This winter semester, the busiest one of his life and the last one for him - he decides to take on a very serious relationship with lightening speed and fierce determination. I know in many ways, since I'm not in the relationship it is not fair to say this, but looking at them (and others) I wonder if men need to have their support networks locked in before stepping into or out of a tough place.
Many of my male classmates got married in the months leading up to starting graduate school, and I know it wasn't their intention to have it sound like this but often it came across not a decision of relationship timing, like it was good for both of us, as much it was, well of course she's coming with me. Yes because you're not able to function without her? I know that's sweet for some but in some regards when I look at the single women who have packed up and moved across countries on their own, I wonder if we're either afraid and we hide it well during transitions or if some point in our conditioning or just as our society has changed we've just grown accustomed to doing things on our own.
Not that I want to rehash this but heck I did the opposite when starting graduate school, I exited a relationship knowing that I needed the space, and as much as that decision pains me at times, and it seriously does, I know that I wouldn't have felt it fair to make the choice I made to change my degree or my life path.
And in that maybe that's where men and women are different. I know that's a gross generalization, but it seems to be the events lived out - which means.... I'm going to have to find a man doing at two year degree starting in September, casually friend him and hope in a year from now when that fear of what shall I do kicks in I'll be around and poof, instant husband.
If for one second you thought I am being serious, rest assured I was/am not. Life's out there and I would like a partner but I don't need one, so no sense loitering around in the hopes of that.
I know the song doesn't relate but it still fills me with so much joy to have been apart of it.
PS - Mr. Brilliant who I do not think got added to the Blog Boys is off the market - good for him, seriously because it wouldn't have been me.
a complex simplicity
or something like that, because time after time they do things relationship wise and I find myself going, yep that seems about right, especially when it comes to getting into serious relationships. It seems for many (not all) that a serious relationship is the only logical step when transitioning into or out of a big life change.
Let's take RB for example - last summer he was the sort of dating and sort of like someone mumbling fool. This winter semester, the busiest one of his life and the last one for him - he decides to take on a very serious relationship with lightening speed and fierce determination. I know in many ways, since I'm not in the relationship it is not fair to say this, but looking at them (and others) I wonder if men need to have their support networks locked in before stepping into or out of a tough place.
Many of my male classmates got married in the months leading up to starting graduate school, and I know it wasn't their intention to have it sound like this but often it came across not a decision of relationship timing, like it was good for both of us, as much it was, well of course she's coming with me. Yes because you're not able to function without her? I know that's sweet for some but in some regards when I look at the single women who have packed up and moved across countries on their own, I wonder if we're either afraid and we hide it well during transitions or if some point in our conditioning or just as our society has changed we've just grown accustomed to doing things on our own.
Not that I want to rehash this but heck I did the opposite when starting graduate school, I exited a relationship knowing that I needed the space, and as much as that decision pains me at times, and it seriously does, I know that I wouldn't have felt it fair to make the choice I made to change my degree or my life path.
And in that maybe that's where men and women are different. I know that's a gross generalization, but it seems to be the events lived out - which means.... I'm going to have to find a man doing at two year degree starting in September, casually friend him and hope in a year from now when that fear of what shall I do kicks in I'll be around and poof, instant husband.
If for one second you thought I am being serious, rest assured I was/am not. Life's out there and I would like a partner but I don't need one, so no sense loitering around in the hopes of that.
I know the song doesn't relate but it still fills me with so much joy to have been apart of it.
PS - Mr. Brilliant who I do not think got added to the Blog Boys is off the market - good for him, seriously because it wouldn't have been me.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
A Tiny Update
Well given it is Wednesday and I am not out, sitting awkwardly next to Mr. Brilliant hoping for a whole to open and swallow me - I can inform you that he never responded. We'll take that for whatever that is.
And on another note no sign of DB and also a something I'm totally okay with.
Actually I realized sure I would like a boyfriend but I have such a small amount of me time that unless he wants to share my time with my Dad or the girls it is just not the time. Funny, how the older I get the less that freaks me out.
And on another note no sign of DB and also a something I'm totally okay with.
Actually I realized sure I would like a boyfriend but I have such a small amount of me time that unless he wants to share my time with my Dad or the girls it is just not the time. Funny, how the older I get the less that freaks me out.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Confessions #3451 and #3452
#3451
So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).
Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?
#3452
I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work. So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.
And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.
So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).
Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?
#3452
I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work. So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.
And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Dating and Targets
I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.
In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.
And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.
Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.
I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"
Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.
In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.
And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.
Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.
I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"
Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
I've been trying
Trying to write
Trying to read
Trying to rest
Trying to figure out how to bring my heart back to me ever so slowly from X. Truthfully I go through seasons where I find myself sitting with the truth that I still deeply love him. I know I'm not in love with him and it would take so many little things, that they all seem like big things to change to bring us back together, that I know it just isn't for us. But there are days when that void in my life, the one that I know doesn't define me, the one that doesn't limit me but that void that some nights and even days I would love to have filled, would be best filled by him.
So I press on, start running again, reading more, sleeping more and know that some day love may circle back, it will probably be different, who knows maybe it will be the same but right now, right now it's about me and learning to love in all the different ways I can.
Love the smell of lilacs that wafts into my room at night from the neighbours yard
Love laughter around my table, time shared with friends
Love the pages of a new book
Love the questions of little lives
Love it all
Trying to read
Trying to rest
Trying to figure out how to bring my heart back to me ever so slowly from X. Truthfully I go through seasons where I find myself sitting with the truth that I still deeply love him. I know I'm not in love with him and it would take so many little things, that they all seem like big things to change to bring us back together, that I know it just isn't for us. But there are days when that void in my life, the one that I know doesn't define me, the one that doesn't limit me but that void that some nights and even days I would love to have filled, would be best filled by him.
So I press on, start running again, reading more, sleeping more and know that some day love may circle back, it will probably be different, who knows maybe it will be the same but right now, right now it's about me and learning to love in all the different ways I can.
Love the smell of lilacs that wafts into my room at night from the neighbours yard
Love laughter around my table, time shared with friends
Love the pages of a new book
Love the questions of little lives
Love it all
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