Sorry but Bah Humbug

I love the idea of Christmas, the reason for it and all that.  I do not however like everything that comes with it, specifically the end of semester stress/exams (WOOT me last class EVER at my undergrad institution tomorrow - beyond excited about that), the decorating the office (was in at 7am today to do that before patients came), the cards - 200+ form cards to be stuffed, labeled, sealed and mailed along with 40+ hand written cards to all the offices in our similar line of work (all of these are signed by ALL our staff), add to that the buying and delivering of dozens of gifts to the support workers and related businesses, building Christmas party and gift exchange (a nice one so you actually have to shop for it),* our office staff lunch, scheduling of holiday hours, the changing of the voicemail (THE WORST) and the list goes on.  Most years I'm so freaking exhausted that I do my personal shopping last minute or while I'm on hold at work...

So if you come into my office and I'm covered in metallic labels and glitter and cursing  (like I was today), just turn around - don't you dare wish me a Merry Christmas until December 23 at 4pm - then you are free to do so - we and more importantly I am not on call, my phone is off and Christmas is over and the real celebrations have just begun.

*Goodness - the whole dress, shoes, hair business so I can stand next to free booze and not drink because I'm in a position where I cannot be intoxicated - bat shit craziness I tell you - and on top of that I get to hear for the whole night about what I'm doing wrong because I'm still single - if we're going to have that discussion I need 2 martinis stat - one for me and one for the front of your dress - REALLY?  Yes I've heard this theory on more than one party occasion.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ell-kay/4171283748/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Love Love LOVE

I am in love with Florence and the Machine, truthfully completely captivated by her voice, her movements, her art as a whole. I couldn't get enough of her (and Lady Antebellum) while I travelled this past week - this song though is not on her amazing cd - so I feel that I need to share it.  I know it is a cover, but sometimes the reinterpretations are better - this is one of those cases. 

Just a Little Note

If you are wondering what the whole alphabet run down is just look to your right *point to right* Blog Boys/Girls will give you as much insight as I can offer

Marriage

BI is engaged.  The boy who said he would never get married found someone he wanted to get hitched to.  I could be sad - that was one of the reasons we never dated - but really it was only one of the small reasons it didn't work out for us.  In the end I am actually thrilled for them and their family.

Why?

Because it reminds me that men when they find that person are happy to commit.  When they aren't just bidding their time or using you to fill a void.  CW has this problem with her man who keeps saying he'll do it when the time is right for him.  See the thing is - it seems like the time is never right and honestly it might never be.  She might wait and wait and wait and he'll never be ready - because he's a man-child like AB or because she's not the one to make him realize that life without her is not a life fully lived.

In the sea of commitment phobes and man-children BI's action reminds me there will be someone who's willing to take risks to make sure I'm his.  I just have to develop some patience.

For AB-sake!*

I have just returned home from Philadelphia after a week away - returning home to rain, snow, ice and well winter.  I am not overly thrilled with it - but it is here and I have to deal with it I guess.

I have a confession of sorts - while I was in Philly AB texted me.  I have to say I've come to the point in our relationship/friendship where if I could there would be plates and other breakables being thrown at him in these moments.  It's like he knows when I'm bemoaning his stupidity or something.

"Hey just thought of you... Sorry if it's late but just wondering how you are? :)"

Options for this statement:

1. He was drunk and "lonely" - because I just looked at the calender - the 23rd was comedy night when he goes out with his girl-frenemies (skanks I prefer to be enemies with).  Oh sad little boy. 

 My response since I know Ms J wants to make sure I didn't have a brain malfunction while running.

"In Philly at the moment, did NYC with my dad yesterday and the race went good on Sunday, all and all going good.  Hope you are doing good with work and all, we should catch up in December when I am done class."

No response from AB - for one I know December is his drinking month - how else can he stomach turning 32 and have the life he has - well that's my understanding of his drinking.  So I don't have to worry about catching up.  My question is when did I become his booty call?  Since when was I like one of his harem.  I am beginning to wonder if men have this once mine always mine to reclaim belief - I know CEF did and now AB is starting to act like it.

Oh well thought I'd keep everyone updated with this sad story - and on that note a song I think that you, TOITB will appreciate - so maybe you can get one of their songs stuck in your head and learn to hate it like I hate their really popular song who's name shall not be mentioned.




* I think you know what I mean

Chemistry

Chemistry is a funny thing - you think you have it and you don't or you don't expect it and it shows up in the weirdest places.

Chemistry used to baffle me - not the science - that I was completely down with.  When I look back at the men in my life I find that interpersonal chemistry is nothing like the science.  You cannot combine two elements which you know should react and think you'll get a reaction - Sodium and Water do not a reaction make when it is people we are talking about and inert gases are apparently no longer stable.

I remember this clearly after my date with MW - he said quite plainly - he didn't feel a spark.  If I had been honest nor did I.  But the suggestion that a spark was more important than getting to know me hurt.  I've come to realize that is not what he meant at all.

I had no chemistry with CEF - one more freaking thing that was wrong, so very wrong with that relationship.  But moving on.  I had sexual chemistry with BI to the likes I don't know if there will be again - but we were not by any means meant to be.  I didn't have chemistry with OM, BV or a whole lot of the others until AB.  That threw me for a loop. I remember standing at Miss 60's party and wanting to pinch myself - wondering what was going on - there was something about him - something I hadn't known in my life.  Oddly I had that this past week and it reminded me that as much as I have had my stuck moments with AB - that there are others out there that will make me feel like it just fits, like it is someone who I could talk with for hours etc.  Which is why I just keep plodding on, chemistry can happen in surprising places, maybe it is like inorganic chemistry - you just have to keep mixing until you discover something new and beautiful - like a cobalt compound (cobalt chromium blue).

PU's and Dating

My PU, as he's referred to around here, and I have an improving relationship but it's not conventional because I never was a "conventional daughter." I was the take care of my brother, make dinner, do homework, serious child.  I didn't like boys (in my PU's opinion - but I did think boys were cool just so we are straight on that) and boys as far as I believed would never like me.  I never went on a date in high school, kissed a boy (had to wait until 2nd year of university and I really should have waited longer) and I went to grad/prom alone. 

I have no issue with this being my teenage story because the guys I went to school with were my friends - in the end I preferred being their friends and still being their friends, like BI.  Given that arrangement I think my parents got lulled into the perception that their daughter was either asexual or like a Disney Princess who being single her whole like miraculously stumbles upon a man of good moral character and breeding and in 10 to 30 minutes accepts a marriage proposal and it's all said and done.  Yet neither is the case - and they've had their struggles with that.  Some in part was my "fault."

Dr. A (My Mr. Big) was the first man I brought home in any respect - he was 15 years my senior and we weren't formally dating.  My parents didn't quite know what to do with themselves.  Thankfully for them he skipped town with a coworker.*  After that it was CEF who was thrown at them more or less - a hey so I'm getting married, here is my fiance and that's the end of that.  Well that policy was stupid, flawed and in the end caused so much strife that it was the final straw in my parent's marriage - August 08 was fun times all around our home.

So... after months and months of therapy etc - see previous posts for all the therapy reasons - my DrBrain says you need to start dating.  WHAT?!! I don't date.  I do the Disney princess and fall into a perfect relationship.  Apparently that is not how things work.  So I started with OM.  My PU didn't know about OM, and why did he need to - OM was a bust**.  Then came AB and simultaneously BV and then AL, BB.  AB in the end was the only one he ever knew about. ***

So what is the point in this sharing moment.  Well my PU doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge their were others, other than AB AND that there will be more in the future and I have FB and Dr. C to thank for all this.  No Dr. C and I are not or ever have discussed that topic of dating - but the presence of a man has left my dad scratching his head.  I guess to him I'm his little girl and little girls don't talk to boys.

Note:

*I hold no malice to either - they are perfect for each other, though for their reputations/friendships sake they could have done it differently if they had wanted to.

** PU knows now, stupid FB, I had at the long discussion about the Olympics had to spill how OM and I knew each other
*** He has never met AB oddly enough

Photo : http://www.flickr.com/photos/focus_in_mind/2328162855/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Attn: East Coast Women

You apparently are not aware but you have an eligible bachelor in your midst.  Seriously.  I know everyone says all the good ones are gone but I believe while there might not be huge quantities left - there are some.  This one is even a doctor to be... kill two birds with one stone er shinny rock - snag a good guy and get your mother off your case for all the years you dated those emo man-children/aspiring *cough* er going nowhere musicians.  Who?  Well if I handed you his info then how would I know you worked for it.  Silly ladies, he is out there - keep looking and I'm sure you'll find him.

Hint - He comments on here once and while

So I am Here Again

I had the privilege of hearing a local writer speak today as part of the class I am in.  She echoed what Arundhati Roy says about writing - we have a duty to occupy a space where there is under representation or the wrong representation.  I have known that about my life story - I know I need to write it out as there is a significant under representation of the long term effects of abuse - the fear, the anxieties that always seem to sit just below the surface - there but not.  It has been a really long journey to this point - 2 years and counting.  Some days it still breaks me, some days that which is always under the surface is not happy being unseen.  Today is one of those days.  Oddly enough I had Make it or Break it on while making dinner, and this song came on.  I started to cry almost instantly.  I am a crier in many situations - this one though surprised me and maybe it's all the stress of school and packing finding their release.  But...

I felt like it was not just that, it was more.  I run because running is my way of reminding myself I am up to the challenge - what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger.   It reinforces the positive belief I can walk away from the pain of the past, and walk towards a future where I know myself, where I know my strength, my value, my beauty as me, my uniqueness.  I know those on the surface sound superficial and vain.  But they are not - they are the things that we all deny ourselves.  We whether we are abused/abuse survivors and just going through life - we - men and women, deny ourselves the sacredness of who we are, of our voices, of our journeys. It also reminds me I can do what scares me.  It is like a flashback of the last two years - pain and fear can be overcome for something beautiful even if you want to puke from the anxiety when the gun goes off - it is a slow process - it is a process that is so so worth it.  I find it hard in these moments not only to remember the above, but to remember the distance - the growth, the goodness in the journey.  The demons I still carry can be my muse, they can be used for my good rather than my harm... Yep so while I go off to have a cathartic cry I leave you with some profound lyrics:

Slim Pickings

Sorry folks there is plenty I want to cover but given that I think my brain might just implode on me before I get everything accomplished I am not sure that spilling out whatever is functioning of my brain here is a good idea.  But alas I am here.  No man update - right now I am really happy ploding along without one.  I know that's the standard mantra - but actually here is the deal - I enjoy getting myself back to me and me has to be the focus right now.

I am almost finished undergraduate studies of any form and I have just a paper and a take home exam in between me and that finish line - and now as I type that out I have the incentive to really pump out my paper today.  So freaking close I can taste it - and I don't give a flying bleep what my prof thinks of my paper (ps she hated the last one - WHATEVER *in a whiny teenage voice*), again I will say SO CLOSE. 

I leave to Philly in T minus 7 days, actually technically less - AND I booked myself tight new week - great! just freaking great! Oh and that paper is due next Wednesday.  So on that note - love ya all I'll blog next Thursday when there is nothing left to do but make a major run to Shoppers at 11pm to stock up on beauty supplies.

"She Likes Boys Who Are Real"

My lovely aunt/godmother just emailed me in preparation for my upcoming trip to see her with my dad.  Apparently in the course of a year my cousin has gone from being obsessed with Edward (yes THAT Edward) to realizing there are boys who breathe and do not sparkle.  Wow this is going to be interesting, because I kind of liked her obsession.   I felt I needed to share that giggle.  But to the point well lovely folks I have one paper left to do and I am in the crunch time for training, eek. So... while I LOVE sharing all the drama in my life like AB and Mr. Bombastic I am seriously stressed out with the daily actions of life.

PS I gave in and bought jeggings I think I should be shot