I Need a Time Out or Something

I've been having a bit of an emotional meltdown these days and I know it will pass, it always does... I must confess I've been having the why am I single feelings...

They seem more complicated this time around - I've been trying to block out the irrational nature of LG's break up with me - the words that my life is too much for him to handle - I know it doesn't but it feels like it right now, that I'm just too broken/messy/too too much for anyone... I able to acknowledge that this feeling is being fuelled by CG and more so the article/mini-film I am going to be apart of for a local major newspaper about my PTSD.

Granted he may never read it (though our office does get that newspaper), but there is a very likely possibility that he's not interested in me or we are compatible... so what right?

And of course it seems like the annual wedding-a-thon has descended on Twitter and FB and I want to be happy for everyone, I am, but you know, and at the same time I'm so thankful for where I am.

Conflicted much?

I am kind of relishing all the things that I'm learning and witnessing in my life but even more so in my friends. I have so much to be thankful for - so on that note can someone I love get engaged, that would be great, I can just live vicariously through you.

I cannot find something that fits my mood so here is something from current search for more running music:

The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

*Mumble* Bumble

I walked into the lunch room at work today stuffed up and well into that zombie fatigue head space that comes with colds and who is there?

You're not normally here on Monday I managed to bumble out, while trying to ensure my face didn't look shocked or excited - you know something like "normal." I wasn't too successful I'm sure but he didn't fair better as he tried to respond with his mouth full, who startled who, I guess. He left and then returned and we talked a little before his meeting. I messaged AE afterward, that I just don't get it. I mean men say that women have this amazing power over them but in those moments, like in the kitchen, when he leaves and I try and catch my breath while wanting him to come back I wonder who has the power? Is it even about having or claiming power?

Regardless of whatever occurs, he's genuinely nice and caring and attentive and those are all qualities I will affirm as good for friendship or otherwise. Right? We shan't be planning a MDiv power couple or anything like that now, right? Seriously I'm not because maybe ironically while he may be wonderful in all the ways I know to this point, I am not sure given everything in my life that I'm thrilled with the idea of considering a relationship with a counsellor. I don't know if I want to find myself wondering or asking, so who am I talking with right now? The counsellor or the friend?

Some of this I am sure will be cleared or aired if an article I've been interviewed for sees the light of day. Correction, the article for sure will, the percentage that I will be in it, remains to be seen and what was recorded recounted my adult life, with appropriate details removed, like other people's names, like LG with whom I had my latest moment of PTSD

Light and fluffy, light and fluffy. Speaking of fluffy...

Mini Kermit Flails

1. X's birthday gift came this week for me and he picked (without my help) my favourite books from Out of Print - I get to rep for Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and 1984/Library cards.

2. Sam Smith's album was released - to me he's a male Adele and it somehow works really well because he has found a way to walk the "I love you" or "I hate you" line with honesty and sincerity that I find male artists outside of the folk genre don't do well.

3. I've been looking forward to talking with my male co-worker - which may just because he's funny, warm and friendly, I mean those are normally awesome people to talk with. However, today I ran into him when I left the ladies bathroom. Actually, truthfully I could have stayed in the bathroom until he left because I could hear him outside, BUT why would I do that? I happened to be in my running gear (I've been running home, so everyone in my office has seen me in a short running skirt and top combo for the last 3 weeks) and he stopped me, put his hand on my shoulder momentarily and then said, I'm making him feel bad about not being in shape and he's going to get on that and once he's in shape we'll go for a run together. I agreed, because, BECAUSE, and of course because being friendly and flirting is a line we're actively blurring at the moment, I promised to make sure it was an easy run.

Guess who has a greater running motivation than the half and full marathon's she's signed up for?

Are we going to get ahead of ourselves? Not really because he's in the middle of finishing his thesis and in a position of authority and I'm summer staff. I'm not interested in screwing with his life or mine for that matter for the next few months. But stay turned... I guess this means he'll need a label which is better than co-worker dude right? 

Hrmmm

So I've discovered something interesting that should have been obvious and I'm not sure what to do with it.

I was mentioning a new male co-worker to the roommate and she noted that I seem to be attracted to smart friendly guys. Okay so this is likely the case, but the good Lord knows I have seemed to aside from X failed miserably at dating this type. Maybe because they friend zone themselves as fast as I friend zone them? I'm not sure. This guy is fascinating, maybe in part because I've really never worked in an office where there have been available men (dating patients was not okay), but who knows. He's has two Masters degrees and is funny and maybe even flirty. So yes that's the new job.

On another note the roommate also thinks that X and I should stop being friends and just get back on the relationship roller coaster. Sure if you can find us a job in the same city maybe we can talk about that idea... until then NOPE.

But this all may be the wine talking...

On another note I recently purchased Miranda Lambert's new album along with Sam Smith's - they're like emotional polar opposites.

This song makes me want to dye my hair platinum again.... but I'd have to hack it all off too and I don't think I can do that quite yet. oops, apparently the wine did get to my head - here's the proper video

Brief Update

So remember when I got laid off in February and that led to the stupidity of March...

WELL...

I am part time employed now (well actually June 2)

AND

I have an internship (paid) that is lined up for September.

In the matter of two weeks I have most of the questions I had before LG and I broke up resolved and it is kind of mind blowing.

That is all

I Need Your Help Dear Readers

X is graduating from his residency and moving to his new life in (according to Google) a cute town. The last time he graduated we were dating and I bought him a shirt, tie and cufflinks for the occasion. This time is different for a few reasons - like we're not dating and this is it, he's officially it and exiting the world of academia and entering the real world.

Since I'm not sure what the real world looks like or what to get a man who you think is amazing and love but aren't dating (I don't think you all need a refresher course as to why).

HELP!

My only parameters - it needs to be easily shipped or order online and shipped and $50-100.

Well that was a little awkward....

So I stumbled out of the library, away from my marking that is taking so much longer than it should, to have some lunch and who do I run into in the main office?

AL*

WTF is all my brain could muster and I think AE could see the blindsided look. He was there on business. So after the awkwardness, he offered to take me for lunch and hell, I being poor, why not take a guy up on free meal. While he was going to plug his meter I turn to AE and say, "He's on the blog." I believe here response involved a laugh and a oh.

It's complicated.

Why is it always complicated.

AL came on to the scene when AB and I were a mess and it was an awkward date. It was a good date but it was an awkward heart moment. I wanted to not like AB but there was no way of denying it all and another boy trying to wiggle into it all was just not my idea of awesomeness. Maybe there are women out there who like the idea of being fought over or complicated over but it was just too much. And the date was too much. He was too honest. He confessed all his short comings and his new found  faith was just, enough to make me panic.

So when he announced that he was single at lunch today. A part of me wanted to back away from the table. Not because of the short comings or his faith, which has sounded like it's growing, or anything because we actually have a lot in common and he's my usual type, he's very similar to X. Chivalrous without being oppressive, caring, thoughtful, open minded...

Actually it wasn't about him.

My heart just kind of curled in on itself when he mentioned he was single. I know lunch wasn't a date and so on and so forth. I realized I've been coping in my post Lawyer Guy world under the impression that I just won't date until I have a job and I'm ready to leave and go wherever to get said job.

And yet...

I don't want to let my hurt do that but I don't know how to not let to creep in on the edges.

Not yet at least.

*To add to the weird I should note that AL and I rarely talk but he messaged me on FB about my lack of job situation and has been totally eager to help and actually been really helpful. So that just added to the weird factor.

Some Days

9.5 days out of 10 I find myself thankful that things have gone down the way they did. I'm not thankful that it hurt like NLLL NLLL or any of the drama, but big picture thankful. The .5 comes from the small picture dwelling moments and the moments like this morning thinking about a conference I passed up because of a wedding he was to be a groomsman at in LA the same weekend. We discussed in January buying the tickets and were going to but the wedding was bumped a weekend and some of the drama around that on the family's end paused that (Hallelujah, I do not have to deal with getting rid of that ticket, and at the same time woah we went from discussing trips and all sorts of things to well whatever, moving on).

But in the moving on, I've realized I really like long distance relationships for one thing - break ups. I do not have to worry about CEF (99.9% of the time) or his other friends, co-workers, church community etc, but with LG I run into his friends all the time and there is this long awkward pause. And right now I'm reading it as, so you've been absent in church the last month and LG hasn't said anything (he would rather die than reveal anything personal) so what's the deal? Even the prof I TA for was surprised I changed churches... yes we all know what that means.

I would rather everyone be nosey or just act like it never happened and treat me like the student I was before the breakup and still am.

And more importantly I would like to restate (not just repost the following, as I've updated it a little from the original)

Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children, the commitment hesitant and the whatever LG was.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into any man's hands or a spine into their back and nor do I really want to for either.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed (yep), a little bruised (or a lot) and maybe even damaged deeper, BUT, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations with friends who honour vulnerability even when it's icky, even when it's hard.

Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

Thanks friends!

Well...

I pointed out DD to KAB in service on Sunday to which she responded:

And I get it. He's bearded and he's changed a lot since I crushed hard on his Meno artistic self. I mean whoever knew a man rocking on an organ would have been a turn on to my 20 something self? It was probably the self assurance and not the man himself that captured my attention then and now I don't need that - I have that myself.

I'm totally relieved to know that he does nothing for me - one less thread hanging out there. Every man bridge has been burned, and for all the right reasons.

In all this though I have wondered, looking at my female pastor peers - they're all single. It's a tough gig in and of itself, and it's a whole other level of difficult to find a man who's excited to join you in it for you and not what you can add to them or their ministry. For that reason I've actually decided to not join the ranks of the online dating world again for at least the next year.  I need to know a little better where this ship is sailing, whether it's here or the next province over or a country away... we'll see but I'm good with this. I'm happy to date, and I might even just start asking out men for the hell of it - have to find some men first but while I wait for them I'm happy to start some scandal and date the ladies in my life because well:

Er this is awkward...

So I have a confession.

I used to have a huge crush on a barista that worked at the coffee place by my house (and worked with my first roommate L). And my used to, I mean like 2007 used to. So much so I placed an missed connection in the local free paper. And while I knew he probably knew and I started to avoid the place afterwards and eventually he was moved from that store. I was kind of crushed...(hardy, har) seriously he was cute and friendly and while probably eons younger than me, since I was never going to my shit together and ask him out it didn't matter.

Well...

So I've started attending a new church and I know the best way to be human is to be me with coffee in by body, so I stopped in one of the bazillion coffee shops downtown Sunday, and I looked at the guy helping me and I was sure it was him, after all I'd spent the better part of a year oogling him, sure he was a little more portly than I remember, but working in a coffee shop seems to do that to people.  I didn't want to ask his name, because hello creeper mode. But then I saw the name tag. It was him. So when he started to chat me up, I asked, as casual as I could, did you used to barista at X. He went kind of pale and stumbled on his words. I quickly backtracked, throwing L out into the conversation, you know her, as if she came home and talked about him all the time... she didn't.

So yep, the world is weird and small and no I'm not going to ask him out because well no and there are lots of really go reasons not to like I'm 100% sure he hasn't had a miraculous conversion in the past 6 years and nor has he added 6 additional years to his life to make us roughly the same age.

Anyways, laugh and know while I need caffeine I will not be making his store a regular occurrence.

Oh and speaking of the new church - DD attends there and we can officially cross him off the list - thankfully he doesn't make me feel like my stomach is going to burst forth from my belly button when I am in his presence. And as for a friend from a previous setting to attends, he seems to be ignoring me, I'm not sure if he's pissed I didn't use him as my gateway friendship or he's totally forgotten what I look like although we're FB friends.

I Warned You

I have listened to this album all the way through more times that I should confess to but it seems to have been the perfect mellow but cheeky soundtrack I needed.

This whole song has been resonating with me - the whole you need some bitter to know how sweet it is, and that has been crazy evident this month. I love the line but specifically - "if you want to find a honey you can't be scared of the bees." I don't have a good relationship with bees, my mother will tell you that as a very small child I was under the impression every bug was a bee after I had been stung by one. She eventually stopped coming at every cry of bee, Bee, BEEEEEEE when it was normally an ant. The reality is most men are the other benign bugs (and I don't actually mean that as an offence, shocking) but they don't hurt or they never intend to hurt, and yes maybe they scare us, maybe they're just not our cup of tea (spiders are evil and worms make me sad), but the honey is worthy duelling with a bee (*cough* NB/LB *cough*) and I found some heart soothing honey in all this insanity and maybe one day I'll find a honey too. 

A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.

Was Not Expecting That

I had to pick up the bracelet today and he took it upon himself despite repeated indications that I did not under any terms want the Narnia books he was reading to me. I have no memories of my parents reading to me and so this was a real gift. He did all the voices and it would be curled up against him, sometimes even lulled to sleep. I have no intention of ever opening the books and if I did it wouldn't be these ones. But there they were and I held in the tears for the 20 minute walk to Ms. J's where I am house sitting only to sit here bawling in the new rush of pain. He even ensured the card was included - given "with lots of love." I realized something as I sat staring at Twitter wanting to curse him out - you know what hurts more that believing he never cared, believing that he did love me and he said want he said still and did what he did like he has with no obvious emotion or care. Surprisingly to me that hurts fresh and deep, far deeper than it did last week. It's the kind of mind  NLLL that I cannot shake off with a piece of pie or Beyonce but I guess in time I will.

In the meanwhile these and the bracelet need a home - part time or forever home I don't know. Who wants them?

I Hope You Know You're Playing this Game With Yourself...

And it seems to be called let's see how big a pile of NLLL'ery I can create and then live in.

AE went to drop off the book in question and found despite the scheduling that he was unavailable and she wasn't interested (and nor should she be) in hanging around until he was free so that I could get the bracelet and etc back, which was the main part of his hissy fit.

Oh dude, this whole business of control is:

Seriously:

And even T-Swizzle the Queen of your kind agrees.

Again - I know you think this is all about you, and your life, and your dreams and your heart and your  guilt and on and on and on, but please:

And yes I will say that I did want you bad but you know what's awesome - there is a little Queen B in all of us who just needs friends to show us how much better we are and how fierce we can be on a dance floor.

And again dude, this is a wreck of your own making right from the beginning, check it, seriously because you're going to be the one needlessly suffering.

And on the last note the song that had me almost busting out some kicks and jazz hands at the bus stop this morning:

And on that note there is a name change - NLLL-EB or NB from henceforth

Update: NB claims that AE screwed up and that she should have interrupted his meeting or called before getting there despite my confirmation that 11 today was fine. NLLL-NLLLing-NLLL dude.