I'm not entirely S&P

and AB isn't really AB either...

This past weekend I had a blind date courtesy of V, which while he was a nice guy, was by no means a success. However in the frustration of the evening dissipated while waiting in line at the NAAM, I got myself cornered in a text message conversation, and found myself having to profess my long not discretely hidden crush, well it turns out that AB felt the same way. There I was on a date with a man who wasn't AB, wanting to be with AB and knowing that AB was home sick.

Aside: On Friday against my better intentions opted to sacrifice my health for the care of AB and the love of Aapa and Momo. AB had some H1N1 kind of funk going on but in my effort to Florence Nightingale my way into his heart, I tromped downtown with a care package of Lysol and Chicken noodle soup and Goldfish crackers, and in return got to watch the remainder of Season 2 of Avatar.

Back to forward time, last night I had the scheduled run past the familial relation of most significance - AB's sister. After she bailed out early AB and I spent some time in silence, and then I suggested we possibly have the talk if he was up for talking, he wasn't, but we did end up spending the rest of the night, watching Avatar during which time he held my hand... so it's not huge but hell we're moving forward in theory.

Photo http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3357/3445581801_a047f62386.jpg

Going Backwards and Forward

AB called me last night to let me know he was going to bed and that he wasn't well, it caught me by surprise which is probably why I answered the call to begin with.

I had texted AB to find out how he was at about 8, just as I crawled into bed to try and sleep off all the horrible things I had put in my body like ice cream... and drifted off somewhere shortly there after, so when AB called at 10ish let's just say I wasn't quite coherent, I do remember something about discussing a massage because he was sore - he's got the flu apparently, funny enough he has been more worried that I'll get sick than the fact that he's getting progressively worse... oh well. Previous to this V and I had a talk about the whole situation, she's arranged the 1/2 blind date, I don't want to know anything, but he knows he's being set up with me, whatever V's told him about me. I feel kind of sleazy about the whole thing, but I'm trying to put the whole thing in perspective, nothing has been formalized, nothing said, nothing gained or lost at this moment.

Though it is funny either I had intentions or a premonition of sorts about this whole thing back in May when AB was introduced to this whole circle. I commented to CC about AB that we knew what happened when a uncomplicated boy friendship and movie watching started many moons ago, funny though this is more complicated than that situation. I think because well it's the reverse, and it's not the way I think it should be, call me antiquated, call me whatever you'd like but I still hold to the belief that it's almost the only way that women have to be sure of anything in a man, his actions, if he doesn't act, it's not of significant enough value to him to do something. Sometimes it does mean forcing his hand, other times maybe it's just about letting him realize what has slipped from it - AB if he's truly interested is going to learn the later at the rate we're going.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/guerry-monero/3165354613/

Despite the Birthday Cake....

and all the nausea that is coming with my consumption of dairy, I have decided with the urging of N to begin to hash out some kind of DTR letter. This goes against everything I believe to be true, right, ethical and yet it's words which I love more than I should, and it's an easier option than face to face... opinions are welcome:

AB,

We had this discussion last week and I not sure what can be said, done or thought about that hasn't already in some respect or another . We've been spending a lot of time together, and I really enjoy your company, the texts and the laughter. You are, to borrow your phrasing, an amazing person. The issue is that well, it seems that while we have a great time that all these actions are being blurred into a gray area of friendship, which I have minimal issue with, if that gray area will turn to black and white, but it seems that is not the case. Maybe my intuition is off, maybe I'm not reading the situation correctly, but I doubt that. I feel/think that while you enjoy spending time with me that there is a distinct hesitation - for whatever reason that may be, speculation isn't necessary. If that is truly the case then fair enough, this is for no purpose other than to maybe flesh out the minimal conversation we had before. Please know that nothing is being rushed or expected, I would just like us on relatively the same page if that makes sense.

S&P

A Little Known Fact

I loathe heights, they are the only thing in this world guarenteed to give me weak knees. Apparently this fear has only gotten worse, as I found out last week when walking with AB over one of the local bridges, I felt weak and of course there was something below he wanted me to see - with his arm around me I peered over, no big deal, I get it, big bridge, major traffic = basically safe. But then he had to say he'd be scared if there was no railing, no railing, now that's something I don't want to even consider... I thought about that this morning. I feel like for the last few weeks or basically last 2 months that I've been sitting on the edge of that bridge without that railing, just me out there trying to convince myself I was/am a brave girl, I can date again, I can make rational choice, I can follow my heart and my head, I am not crazy, I'm not irrevocably broken/tarnished/damaged by my past - things done to me and choices I've made. I've sat here waiting for AB to just decide to sit next to me, to make it certain that the jump is worth it, that despite what happens, I'm not jumping alone. I've talked myself around in circles night after night and now surprisingly even though it could be argued that AB is seeming more interested I am, I am turning the circle back towards the "I must be on something, he's not really interested" side of things.

So last night, thankfully I left work early, I just barely beat him to my place, just enough time to shoo AR out of the kitchen and throw the Swiffer around, I made L's favorite, and even though it turned out, even the roti's were perfect, my heart ever sank in my chest. We ended up spending the last portion of the evening sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at my book collection and photos. There were moments, but they were fleeting, and just well not those kind of moments. I walked him to the bus stop, waited for the bus - he texted me to say he was safely on the bus and while he was on the bus and when he got home and I managed to stay awake through it all. I was invited to hang out with him and his sister on Sunday, and we've agreed we'll see each other maybe before that... but it's Thursday afternoon and all I feel like doing is throwing my hands up and crying, it might be the though of Edward's granite arms are messing with my brain or the reality that something is not ready - whether that be me or AB does it matter?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/anthonybrown/3776921104/

Dinner Date, Help I Need Martha

I resorted to calling my only parental unit last night after I had a major brain moment. I asked AB over for dinner. I think it was the wine I was trying to finish off and flirt texting that made me forget that: the house was messy, the fridge was/is in some state of chaos and I would not be home until later than normal... but I asked and he accepted. There I was at 7pm banging my head on Eclipse trying to figure out which was worse - that I wanted to buy Breaking Dawn, or that I was now forced to to covertly or non-covertly call my parental unit for a food idea that I couldn't fail at, he suggested pork and given that I had just choked down a very over done other white meat piece, I decided to pick the meal that L and AR have both eaten, a regular on the vegan repertoire... We're having Indian food tonight, even though that was our first date* meal too, I couldn't think of anything else I could not. Even worse I made the appropriate dessert to go along with it - and this morning even in the haze of my 5am pre glasses blindness, I could see it had failed. NLLL!!! I have to make them again, find some sense of calm and clean the house, that is if I can beat AB to the house - apparently we're racing again...

PS If all comes together it will be an entire vegan meal... I may not be able to corrupt AB, though I might be able to win him with my charms... that's corruption in a round about way isn't it?

PS. CC could you hint at AB I would like one of these for Christmas...

Teenage Angst is Not Good for Me

I've been having a hard time with this whole multiple choice business - thankfully I've been hunting myself down the components for a Katara costume and purging the office - emotional stress does amazing things for my organizational drive.

I've been fighting over the frustration of a grey statement made black and white by myself - I put us at 2 and now the what ifs of 3 are making more noise in my brain then ever in his. Doesn't help that I normally have a hard time wedging myself from my brain as it is, never mind you add all this and of course it would be the same time I find myself immersed in the worst teenage angst book out there - Eclipse - I have read enough of "he leaned in to kiss me... blah blah blah" I'm old enough to know that you are never really old enough to completely block out all the obscene fantasy in it all, somewhere in the 1000 pages I've read so far I found myself going E is oddly old fashioned and wholly unrealistic besides the living dead part and damn it can't AB just kiss me already... oops, time to put the book down.

All this is why I like being single and picky - life doesn't get messy, not like this, but I guess this is all the reasons why I love that Colbie Caillat song right now.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/moylek/250668156/

Estrogen, Eclipse and a lack of sleep...

These factors combined together with a general sense of Gemini flakiness and well let's just say I determined that at 2:30am Sunday morning after a stressful bus ride home from AB's house that my approval of the platonic dating situation had dissolved. We'd walked for two hours, watched a movie and I left just before 1am, after my bus didn't show I was offered the couch. None of these factors impacted my decision to do so to be honest, I declined the couch due to a weekly date with my parental unit, I doubted he would be enthused to hear I was elsewhere, having spent the night at male's house - regardless of the sleeping arrangement... no what broke it was the continuous, So's? After the hours of texting - I'd had enough of shrugging my shoulders in response to the question, so what are you? So I asked, I asked if the mixed signals were unintentionally mixed and what was his intent? I waited and I waited and at 11am I was notified that there was no intent. This was followed by a multiple choice further explanation:

1. Hadn't thought about it
2. Friends as per now
3. Other

The choice? " I think 2 for now. Although the allure of 3 is there... WTF... um pardon me that wasn't lady like -but well, I have to say what is that? So of course I redefined the boundary - we're 2, none of this possible 3 business, and there is a line, you cross it, you cross it, no toeing over the line because it happens to suit you... but now here I am wondering how close is 3... whatever 3 is... so here we are the artist and the writer negotiating, trying to find a more common language while texting up a storm... btw V has a blind date set up for me this week...

How to Update Y'all...

I've been pondering over it for a while and since I haven't had access to a computer during the moments when I've really wanted to blog, thus things have been mushed together, and now folks is the grand moment I search for the string to unravel the mess.

It maybe no surprise to some, but AB and I have slipped into what Ms. J calls a "platonic dating relationship.*" AB indicated earlier this week that he enjoyed our talks, then last night we got into a discussion about letting things come to fruition in relationships or just spitting them out there and letting the pieces fall where they may. He indicated while he's normally an all out there kind of person when it comes to matters of the heart, he still waits to make sure the other person's heart is there too - well I'll give him some slack even though that doesn't sound quite right. Through this week's conversations I've decided to relinquish the little bit of control I was holding on to in regards to being cautious with the situation. If it happens, if this is a step towards something then it will eventually happen, if not, I've still got a good friend, though at this stage in life, good opposite gender friends aren't what I'm going for.

Platonic dating (n/v): weekly movie night, daily text message conversations, calls, exchanging of baking, waiting for bus at 12am, checking in/up on the person - ie. how's your day, whatcha doing, texting goodnight routinely, hugs etc.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/16954303@N08/1909471525/

We've got a problem...

I'm sleep deprived, like severely so, and I'm starting to think all weird. Now BI would say I always do and Ms. J would definitely agree, but after the sangria mishap and the texting and well everything of the last few days, like finding myself at a double movie showing until after midnight last night. But I realize it isn't a math equation, well at least not a simple one, we've got multi-variable Calculus going on here, and let's just say I failed that course...

It's fun, it's BI all over again, minus the who rest of the acronym - he's the marrying type - but not that that really matters. We're still stuck, we're tip toes away from the dating realm and yet I feel like we'll be miles away from a casual friendship or any kind of friendship if I push the issue. His roommate has supposedly touched on the issue, suggesting we should date and while a part of me would love to have her read on the whole thing given the duration of time they've lived together, I feel like that's crossing boundaries, and ya well... we are stuck, it's a stalemate. Any suggestions? I know it's not much to go on but I know it's not like a summation of it's parts business.

Oh and fingers crossed - AB bought a lottery ticket with my lucky quarter with the supposed intention of giving me a portion to purchase a laptop if we win - seems fair.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/neon_lobster/3572898908/

Chicken!

I admit it, I'm chicken, for all the talk of letting things come together naturally, I've found myself even more entangled in the whole AB saga to the point standing in the dark next to the house on Saturday night, while the party continued on, I wondered - I had a moment, a faint moment where I had that same intuition that BI gave me years ago, but hell it could have just been the sangria. The text flirting has increased, face time has as well, the groans of the females around me have also increased. Apparently it's time for AB to get his act together or for me to call him on it. I vote neither, I don't need any drama right now, I'm comfortable here - just as freaking comfortable as I was with BI. It's great, it's safe, it's challenging, but yet not, I just don't know how to describe it, it's that effortless kind of relationship that is worth the effect to steal a phrase from AB discussion last week in regards to things worth fighting for...

Anywhos - likely we'll revisit this again, and again for a while and find myself reminded like this afternoon that as much as I might think he feels a certain way, it changes again...

Swoon

Discussions

So AB and I have been talking, and we're circling back to where we were before and I for one and am actually really apprehensive about it all. Quite simply this issue is now that as with BI as the conversations get deeper and more random too, and the frequency of our time together increases I start to worry about getting attached. For example last night I texted AB to see how the pie was progressing, 1/2 remained, I went to bed only to get a text this afternoon informing me that there was now a 1/4 of the pie left. My next question was where was he to be eating pie in the middle of the day, apparently coming from the dentist and so an hour long text message conversation developed and we ended up discussing love, the effortless kind that you would put effort into, you know what we mean... err not a conversation I wanted to have though...well there you have it, a week of weird to go along with the post full moon...

T-Minus how ever many days there are until September 30th...

See I have to confess in the wake of my complaining about the ghosts of ex's past and blowing an entire study evening at AB's watching Ghostbusters (never seen it before) and eating the key lime pie he'd requested, I realized I've got ghosts too.

While I have burned Lawyer boy's stuff quite literally, and and CEF I whole hearted salted and burned those bones, in his opinion while he wasn't even a ghost yet, the rest have disappeared to whatever state - mostly picked up by others more appropriate than me for them and they're long gone. The one remaining straggler is going to be the death of me if I can't exorcise him and I finally think I'm ready, well sort of... DBWCPAMHOR - Drummer Boy Who Can Play a Mean Hand of Rook or DB, has well been a fixture in my life to varying degrees for the last 19 years and damn it I've done enough therapy, spent enough time holding him up as a litmus test. Sure he's one of my peps, he sings, and is musically multi talented, good stock, quality and has always made me go all high school girl - or whatever the precursor to that is - even at 8 he was like it, that was what I wanted. Funny thing there is a thin line between what you really want, what you think you want, and what you don't want but they're doing a good job at selling it... so September 30, V has promised to by my wing lady, and I'm going to venture into the depths of a local seedy bar to see him one last time, and either something happens (like I squeak out hi) or I lay him to rest and with a good martini burn those bones.

And if you are wondering as AR was, the plan to seduce AB with a key lime pie maybe failed or was successful, only time will tell.

So Let's Revist Friday for a Moment

I texted BV for coffee because I'd had a shitty week and wanted someone to talk to that wasn't suffering from a case of ex-girlfriend-reappearance-itus. It wasn't a date, sure I looked cute, but hell it's more a case of not knowing when I'll actually run into someone who isn't a dud. Anyways at the end of our very awkward conversation about nothing of any substance, and I was still sorely in need of a drink, he stutters out he's dating someone. Okay so since when? It's been under a week since your FB message to check in and see how I am doing - with exams and all that and that we should get together... and you apparently rescheduled your evening to see me... hmm. Blah, I strutted up to V's chugged two glasses of white and a slab of chocolate cake and then realized what the hell, he's lame, we already agreed on that and yes I do appreciate the irony that this conversation would have had to go the other way. The thing that really bother me, wasn't all that - it's the OM repeated statement of well I don't know how this relationship is going to go. Let me save you your breath - it's not going to happen, this ship sails and that is it, no repeats.

And because I am all for sugary toxic pop on a raining Monday morning:

Remember When I Said I Wouldn't...

Well because I did I've found myself having a bizarre moment and well ack, so I've got a coffee date with BV and I'm about to lose my sanity - pick me up from my house, like come over, err, shit maybe, yes, no, am I still standing? Well I'm off to go home, take a shot of the very reduced bottle of Vodka in the fridge and soak my swollen feet so they won't complain too much when I cram them into my animal print pumps... or not.

Really?

Okay so I will say that my memory is a little foggy given the time that has passed since the event. V and I attended a local concert (the Fray!) and it forced me to accept two things. One I do totally heart band boys in skinny jeans - blech I know, but Mr. Slade makes my heart skip a beat or two despite the skinny jeans. I will say no skinny jeans on non-awesome instrument playing boys... any whos. While at the concert V got hit on by a South African who I must say though somewhat cute, and I stress the somewhat, he seriously failed. For one, joking while picking up a girl, even if not intentional should be restrained. There comes a point where everything that comes out of your mouth is not believable and you in the process of trying to make yourself look fun and carefree begin to look like a complete ass. And what's worse? That's you sober. So ya, and now you get to ask me really? Because I gave into to my starved brain and texted BV last night... I am going to try and get me some emotional support, that maybe even more difficult a time than Mr Slade has trying to shimmy into those skinnys.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahbergen/3794839809/

Soul Mates

As I was procrastinating in another form - cleaning, ironing etc, I started to think about the one man who hasn't made it on to this blog and can't persay - I've promised not to, so in a vague fashion I will enter this discussion. This individual under other circumstances and of course assuming it was mutual would be my marry for companionship person, note not for love, but because he is someone with whom my life has been wholly transparent and we are similar in many ways and different in others, but hell, I think it's suppose to be that way. I would say companionship because well I doubt wholly that we are suited for each other romantically (long explanation which would void the disclosure part). More to the point what exactly am I looking for? I know the companionship thing, the friendship is really important to me, but I know that there has to be something more, so what the hell does that look like? I've known people who marry because of companionship, because they wouldn't kill each other, but see here's the deal, I'm a Gemini, I'm destined to attempt the killing part, if not succeed, so the future person has got to be prepared for a hell of fight. I know I've got a lot my demons/ghosts/shadows/"issues" torched, but there are always going to be issues that my secret stash of my little helper isn't going to help... so ya anyways we've detoured somehow here...

I guess I'm trying to figure out in the sea of rejects why they are rejects and all that... hmm clear as my coffee.

You Know There is a Problem When...

You won't offer your free extra ticket to any man in your Crackberry contact list. To be honest it's not a concert I would take a man to and it's not one that I think any of them would enjoy. I know OM wouldn't and maybe AB would but at this point, he's gone weird and the ex has reappeared, so I'm making my exit. I've learned there is no way to fight with the ghost of an relationship, especially when the ex is floating around all warm like. Funny as it sounds to me, it seems that for CW and myself, ex's are a whole mess that can wrap their floaty tentacles around and strangle the men in question. CW's ex is still somewhat pining after 3 years and well for AB's it's been a while but then again, a while doesn't seem to be while enough. CEF was like that his ex despite his claims of hating her kept reappearing, even post my exit, I heard about her, the ex this and the ex that... and BV? Well I was actually tempted to give him a ring to see if he would occupy me on Friday... I need to unwind and Ms. J and I just get drunk and bitch when we do that. Correction I get drunk and we both bitch about our bosses when that happens... I need to get me some testosterone, and I know that is wholly the full moon coming up messing with my emotions, but whatever.

I realize that this all likely makes so sense other that to say:

1.Trouble in boytown

2. Ex's are the ghosts men seem to have a really hard time kicking for some reason - maybe because they don't sit around for a month in their pj's eating chocolate and getting sloshed on cheap wine while bitching out all the nagging parts with their girlfriends, at the end of the month we've convinced ourselves we're better, hotter and so over you or something like that...

3. I promise not to go trolling for emotional salve from BV because I know that milking a lusting boy for affection is so unbelievably wrong that it could never even for a moment be right, and AB well that's not going to get me anything. Boo

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cavasotti/193505463/

The Crying Nights

Last night was the shits, I tried submitting a paper online for a class and between my borrowed computer, slow "High Speed" internet and a online program that almost crashed - lovely what your tuition gets you, in the end it didn't go through, the deadline passed and I technically have a 0 on a 40% paper. Cheers all around. So here's the thing, I cried, and yet I hated myself for crying since I've cried to much this year and then I realized. I was even worse than all those times this year, I was crying alone, eww. Crying alone about useless things that cannot be changed is a frustrating and unfortunate feeling and all I wanted was someone I could call up, have drop by or drop in on. And yet AB and BV are just not the people BI was, to the point I wonder if you get a second time round with that kind of set up, the best friend you grow to trust and care for and then find yourself realizing there is something much more going on? Or no. Well enough of all that, it is morning and time for coffee, antiaging creams to fix last nights unfortunate face contortions and more educational pursuits towards my benefit... finals!

To Keep You Warm...

September 8 post script: Part of me would love to delete this post, but it seems to have even more meaning now, oh NLLL!