I Resolve...

To re-evaluate my dating theory/policy. Out of the 6 men this year that I dated,* all were not future options for various reasons - though it should be noted all for different reasons - so thankfully I don't really have a type - one was a closet case looking for his 50's housewife, one was frigid and boring, one a commitment/growing up phobic, other a chronic cheater, one left recently at the alter and the last one a pity date that I wholly beyond words regret because now I've got a semi-stalker and a Sbucks I can no longer go to... so on that note:

1. No pity dates - that means if even if hell froze over you still wouldn't date them, you shouldn't just to find an easy way out of the awkwardness

2. No dating man-child's, it's not a good thing all around - you can love them as friends and appreciate their insight into Avatar, The Last Airbender and share their love of sports... beyond that while I want children, I would prefer to be raising them, rather than living with one.

3. I resolve to with Ms. J cast the net far and wide for options and as such will accept matchmaking...for those local, if you know where local is there will be a blog popping up on the subject with application forms... this is the grand result of two single women finishing off a large bottle of Baileys in 2 1/2 days while play Pandemic...

4. To apart from all this focus on getting the hell out of my lovely management job and into school full time because y'all know I'm super excited about it...

But before that all comes into play I will be with V, Ms J and a gaggle of other ladies at V's house party - drinking, playing board games, eating Moroccan meatballs and dulce de leche (my contributions) all while in lovely party dresses... good times for sure.

6 Word Memoirs...

I have a handful of addictions - caffeine, vodka, vintage fashion, high-high heels and book stores. Bookstores get me more excited than anyone has, well anyone other than AB to this point in my life... I know it's a different kind of excitement, but the euphoria is similar. The smell of used books makes my toes curl along with the sides of my lips as they form a smile. So in our attempt to avoid a perma-drunk state as well as get fresh air Ms. J and I found ourselves in the local independent bookstore. I left with a handful of books. One of the smallest and in many ways simplest addition to my expensive book collection is 6 Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak. The premise simple, 6 words to describe any aspect of the topic.
Some examples:
Love blooms like crocuses: dirty, brave.

It helps to label the books.

Lost my virginity to her husband.

And so the book goes on... so my dear readers I think it's time to add some to the book.

Boys suck. The End. Wanna Date? - courtesy of Ms. J

Even returned the empty conditioner bottle.

I run, catch me, we'll discuss.

Hugs from behind are not mutual.

Love = carrying me when feet hurt.

Your turn...

Lists Can Be a Dangerous Thing...

I remember having lists for everything. The lists of the boys I liked eventually migrated to the lists of universities I wanted to attend and then lists for the courses, the books and everything university related, then lists for where to live, and now the lists are mostly where to travel to next for a race - all are local except for Chicago and Philadelphia in the fall it seems... Lists are tricky things - they give us satisfaction when you can cross things off, but sometimes the things listed can be all wrong in either context, motivation or topic or all of those. For example be married by 30 (I am disclosing I'm not yet - how close to it I will not reveal...), start world population increase at 32, finish at 34 and so on and so forth... or a list for his qualifications - good paying job or artist, runner or other sport, educated, can cook and clean, wants kids....

So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:

1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming

And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.

So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:

1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports

Better as a Memory**

Memories are funny things, they fail us, they distort in the framework of time and place, they are rarely if ever honest with us, they capture a photograph from our sole perspective of a brief glimpse of moment. They are fragile, they are violent, they are abusive, they are everything we don't want them to be and yet we hold to them so bitterly as their being defines us. I remember...

Well I remember a time when this song was just a song that L and I used to sing to in the tiny hall between our two rooms. L and I both single all those years ago used to for some bizarre reason say that this song would be our break up song. L moved on and married and I moved on and engaged, unengaged and unsuccessfully for many reasons dated a man that his roommate calls juvenile - a 31 year old man being called juvenile. He's caught in the fractured memory of loves gone wrong of loves where the memory has been come better than the reality, so much so that there is an increased desire for the reality. He wants her back, she's not his to take, but her hold is strong. It seems that looking at the men who have come through my life - there are always these women, I know that I in many respects is that woman for CEF oddly enough. The one or two women who fracture a man's desire for maturity, commitment and forward growth.... but we lost the trail.. the trail is this, a song that in many way captures everything in either lyrics or beauty of the movement...

**The title is a line from a song that's been rolling around in my head, - "I'm better as a memory than as your man" I think that sums up AB well

I Offer The Next Holiday on the Agenda

Start Planning! Actually I'm posting the video because while it may be sappy junk it has some good lines in this lovely tidbit, so while I'm drinking myself out of my slippers and under a table, artificial Christmas tree or something else other than AB who I might add I am allowed to stupidly mope about for the remainder of this year... here's my offering. And fear not my dear ones I have officially lost his number so there will be no drunk texting to be discussed, nevermind I'm going to be a whole freaking country away... though that would make for a delicious blog, but oh he of iron will is long good, good riddance I hope the next one rips him the new one that I should have or something like that... I can say that with no fear because Santa knows I've been bad this year and I offer no apologies, none what so ever for being naughty.

Ode to My Third Crackberry

I am likely running around like I would in a half price Louboutin sale today: packing, running, commuting, working, commuting, dinnering with AB's roommate/retrieving still missing items/avoiding AB lest I do something I will but won't regret..., packing illegal items for travel past security (danish dough), and sleeping (very briefly) before starting it all over again tomorrow... I must discuss my Crackberry. I love it and it hates me. I am on my third. My first one loved me and I him, until October, then he decided to quit me when I didn't quit AB... hmmm interesting. The replacement quit me while I was travelling for the race and after crying on the phone with tech support for the millionth time I have been blessed with a new baby that so far (3 hours into said ownership) has been good....

However it has no numbers... when I changed SIN's as a requirement before they would give me my third phone they were suppose to transfer over my numbers too... alas they didn't and so I am without my numbers. Now you would think this wouldn't be an issue, just throw my number up on FB and it would all be wonderful. Well see here is the deal. I bought a Crackberry, changed my billing account and number because of CEF. My number is a very closely guarded secret, no one who doesn't know about CEF and sworn to hold the number until the day I change it is allowed to have it... so now here I am no numbers and a phone that works... Merry Christmas to me... actually I know it will be lovely with or without the phone since it will be full of fun kitchen times with Ms. J and lots and lots of booze (Bring on the Baileys!), my falling apart AE jeans and my Lulu hoodie time, to relax finally before employing my hockey playing skills on the girls at the Nike outlet on Boxing Day - hands off the capris.

Christmas Songs...

I have to say I don't mind being single this time of year... but I do mind this song. For two reasons for one if Santa existed the last thing I would want is him to gift wrap in some fashion a man for me and shove it under my Christmas tree. For one I would doubt that I would know him, two he'd be kidnapped and how would I explain that - I kidnapped a stranger who is somehow destined to be "my baby" and all that...

Joking about the specific song aside, it seems to be the main theme in the non-traditional secular/commercially acceptable songs - love. Yes love can be gift wrapped and given... well that's the theme of the season isn't it - I give you something and you believe I love you based on the gift size, thought or something similar... But beyond that, why is it that we want love in this way? Or at all... that sounds pessimistic, but let me explain. I like having someone, sure it's great, it has tonnes of wonderful benefits, but as of late it has come with more hassle and so I know that it's a process, it's not a check off the list kind of situation. Though yes we all have lists of some sort - they change over the years - the negotiables and non-negotiables change to some degree. I know what I avoid - I avoid athletes, hockey players to be specific... they smell like equipment (aka ripe death) and puck bunnies, the triathletes and runners are fine - the swimmers kind of scare me as I'm not so sure I want a man more invested in his hair removal than I am...

I am digressing - the point to all this is AR has started with EHarmony and so has everyone else I know who is single - and while I would in some way like to consider it as a way of maybe just finding a running partner to join the group, get to know etc - I think the whole process becomes like that Brittney Spears song - we place all our hopes that it's going to all come neatly gift wrapped and we don't see the oddity of all of it... guess this all means I will be embracing singleness instead of AB this upcoming season and that's good, non?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/superamit/334440844/

I Hate Christmas...

But not the reason for the holiday. Please let me clarify:

Christmas starts for me November 12, it is the dawn of that day that I have to pull out the list from last year, tweek it and start ordering. Ordering dozens of gift baskets, planning Christmas parties, buying "team building" staff gifts, Excel spreadsheets as far as the eye can see, hundreds of Christmas cards and on and on and on it goes until the last Tuesday before Christmas. It is that day that I am freed from my work shackles and proceed with Christmas as shortly there after. It is for this reason I normally buy my gifts online while I am ordering my work related gifts. I have forgone Christmas baking. I have no tree, though we do have lights normally thrown up the first weekend after the 11th of November and hauled down about the 14th of February (or whenever I can).... I hate the hustle and bustle, it's not fun, there is no joy in the stress...

Though let me say that I am trying and I notice more and more that everyone around me is trying to outside of their work stress to quell the insanity. More of us are ordering online and preferably from places like Etsy (homemade and/or local), or opting as I did more last year purchasing donations, most of female peers have even forgone the buying of Christmas outfits and salon visits. We've all grown up with the catalogues and honestly a more simple way of Christmas and somewhere in our teen years Christmas changed - maybe it was the introduction of cheaper electronics, maybe it was just our generation, but it changed. I understand the frustration, I understand the stress. So instead I pose these suggestions....

1.List it - early on, make a list and stick to it

2.Simplify it all - the list, your plans, everything

3. Community it - I think the best part of Christmas has come with the more I do "Christmas related" activities with those around me - baking, shopping, Christmas itself...

4. Give - while yes we all want stuff, I was no worse off because people gave in my name last year and nor were those I did the same for - yet I believe that some people were better off - namely the families with access to clean water, children educated, young girls at risk protected and the animals provided (even though yes the vegan in me does find that one hard at times). Oxfam, World Vision, Unicef, your local food bank and the list goes on...

5. Drink - Water, vodka, coffee and repeat until it all gets better... or maybe not, just take time for you

And stay away from Walmart or any big box store for that matter, the Hellmouth of the Holidays...

As a personal opinion side note - I do love the reason for this holiday, sure it conveniently usurped some pagan holiday and we all know it wasn't on December 25th that the said event happened, but it means something to me all the same - so here are if you are interested two of the songs I love at this time of year they aren't standards but they are still well the reason I opt to celebrate despite all that seems be utterly wrong with the way we choose to celebrate as a society.

Labor of Love - Andrew Peterson

I Celebrate the Season - Reliant K

Merry Christmas - May You Find Peace in these less than Peaceful Times

Love S&P

In Defense of Twilight

Preface: Of the limited facts I disclose about myself I will say this I have a BA English. I believe that literature is like food, there is good food full of complex flavors, the kind that is served at Craft, there is the food that sustained you through your life to this point (in theory staples vegetables, starches and proteins) and then there is what I eat every 28 days or so - a bag of baked Kettle Chips and a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper. Twilight is the literary equivalent of the chips and pop. It is good for a moment, it does its duty. However, it is not the complexity of Rushdie or Woolf nor is it the sustaining foundation of Chaucer or Shakespeare. *Deep Sigh*

For men - you don't need to understand Twilight, that is sort of the point that you wouldn't. You wouldn't be expected to read any "chick-lit" and understand it, let alone enjoy it. It's okay you have already been absolved of any involvement in it. However I understand that you want to know what the fascination/attraction is. Vampires. Simple as that, at the heart of every straight laced daughter, girlfriend, mother, wife is a little mini daredevil who wants that crazy kind of love that has danger that they never bat an eye at. This is "clean" danger - no drugs, no alcohol, no laws broken and no one will fault you for it - it's the best of both worlds.

On the subject of vampires I must say that maybe due to my age or just his more "bad" nature Spike from Buffy is still the best... I digress. It's not just about vampires though because as our current run on vampire theme programs shows vampires come in all different sexual fantasy formats...
So why the whole Edward and Bella, Bella and Jacob and Bella and Edward again saga, well it's simple:

1. Desire -Every woman of sane mind wants to be wanted by someone they want to be wanted by. Ie. we are discriminate to a point - may my high school grad date be an example - when you're the last one they've asked and you can't remember talking to them at that point - they are not in that previously noted category - AB would be... Bella gets this with Edward and then with Jacob to some respect.

2. Heartbreak - Good old fashion heart ripped from its sockets being left with a hole to be soaked and preserved with tequila, brined with tears and stuffed full of Black Cherry ice cream. If you are too young to have one it's glamorous, if you've put enough miles on your heart it somehow makes you feel like a veteran comparing battle wounds.

3. Lust - I think we've started to crack this one - but here's the deal as part of 1 - Bella has the "hots" for Edward, Jacob has them for Bella and I am sure if Edward had a soul he would for Bella... but here's the important part. Most women due to some wiring get more "frisky" shall we say when there is all the other emotions involved - like love, trust, security etc. The whole book is written like this - Edward and Bella fall in love in the perfect fairytale format, deep, trusting, transparent and slightly gritty. And it's repeated in the friendship turned other format with Jacob. Both formats have the female readers engrossed and then all lusty for whichever character is involved.

4. Danger - as mentioned above - loving the boy who is no good for you - it's a disease - some of us kick it, some of us don't...

5. Disney - for the love of fish sticks when you were 4, every woman who has read these books has been brainwashed by Disney, we all somewhere flick the switch when reading the books that say it will happen, it will be beautiful and easy and he'll devote himself eternally to me.... yadda yadda, cue the Prince from the Little Mermaid and me frolicking in the sea...

As to the movies, well the movies are trashy - they are actually quite horrible in that Jacob is jail bait for the large majority of the audience and yet when he takes of his shirt in New Moon the sounds of the cat calls and whistles was oddly humorous... anyways. Men fear not you need not like, love or even accept the books just don't tell Ms. J that I believe Edward sheds sparkles, and as long as everyone remains Team Spike/Buffy we'll all be good...

Time Out

I have been trying to get my head back in my body and extract my heart from my brain for the last two days... it's slowly working. Oh so very slowly. Thankfully the mere mention of another man and heartbreak and all that cooled off MW in a hurry. But really that's not the purpose for this blog, oddly enough I am going to take time out from my vintage clothing obsession, love of Jo Malone fragrance (Agave and Cacao if anyone has still yet to purchase me a gift...) and let you know of the gift I give my grandparents every year. No not puzzles or denture destroying caramels, rather it's water. I give them the gift of water because oddly enough that is what they ask for check out...

Active Water and/or BloodWaterMission

Both options provide water - and oddly enough I will say that I didn't know about Active Water but I will now most definitely see myself running the Chicago race instead of my planned Portland race in October....

As I Was Awake Last Night at 1:30am

I resisted the urge to text someone I couldn't even text - I had deleted the number, now true it is written down in my purse with everyone else's numbers of importance because of the nature of my phone as of late... but I thought about all the memories that I want to remember... so in the vein of catharsis and all that here starts that list mostly in order

1. Miss 50's party
2. Texts from NYC to home
3. Birthday party
4. A week later dropping off cookies and staying out so late walking around the downtown that AR called to make sure I was alive
5. Indian food - racing to get to the same bus stop from opposite sides of town, we arrived at the exact same time
6. Celebration of Country's nationhood day
7. Ms. J's birthday party
8. Monday movie nights
9. Texting from home to Montreal
10. Continuation of Monday night movies, adding Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, some Sundays too - late late bus rides home and all that
11. Being introduced to Avatar, becoming addicted
12. Taking care of him when he was sick
13. Being taken care of when I became sick
14. The weekend that has been over analysed on the blog
15. The following weekend that involved lots of gin... and so the story went
16. More movie nights...
17. The night
18. Following nights...blah blah blah
19. Race weekend - the I miss you, rather be with you weekend
20. One of multiple attempts at a break
21. Philadelphia weekend
22. Texting stopped
23. And here we stand... it was so much more sappy and poetic in my mind but hell you don't want that and those memories are pretty clear still from the last 6 months.

Nasty part of all this is I'll miss all of it, the firsts, the hand holding, snuggles, his smell... oh well someone just spike my morning coffee and this day will be all good.

Therapy

I am all for cheap therapy, like completely rearranging your office the way you've wanted to for the last two years instead of say doing the accounting all while shoving as many brownies as you can in your yap...

I did that, while listening to this, and planning with AB's roommate to have dinner with her, her beau and retrieving all my stuff. I'm not out to steal friend or have people take sides, I just think this is all the shits that I have the potential to lose them all too if I don't handle things as delicately as possible, even pseudo breakups seem to be hard... I need a run.

Part 3 of 3

So as the house attempted to return to normal yesterday morning, BR replaced me in the bathroom - she had added tequila to the Merlot - and I moped the floor and the watched a full day of football. I came to realize that AB hadn't texted, hadn't really at all since I returned from Philadelphia. Something happened during that trip that I can't put my finger on, or really want to, to be honest. He's moody, he says he misses me, wants to see me, but seems to do everything to avoid that. So I might want him, I might miss him, and I might even truly love him, but those don't matter, because I know that the longer I sit here, the more it all just sours my life. So I overruled all those things and began the eternal sunshine treatment. It won't be that hard to stop the texting, but the missing him part well hell that might just feel like hell. In the end I've have enough of his silence, whether it is due to his distance in all this or somepassive aggressive moody stance, regardless I'm leaving all of this behind me.

Sure I have a shit load of stuff that has found it's way to his place over the last 6 plus months, but I can contact his roommates or really anyone else to procure all that for me whenever I feel like that, to be honest part of me wants to see him cave, find out if there is a soul in him somewhere... So there we have it, the inevitable. It still makes me sad that it would end this way. That we'd be great friends and so on and so forth and then end up here in silence. Figures.

PS. Feels a whole hell of a lot like Twilight, and yes I know I should be smacked for again referencing myself to the quality literature of Meyers, kind of makes me Team Edward after all this. Hearts are fickle things.

Part 2 of 3

So about MW.... Hmm, what do the kids call it these days... Sorry I guess before I reveal that I should back this story up. As I was watching the shitty paint job my landlord did on the walls of my room circle around me, MW was busy FB messaging me (after the initial tweet)... he's got a computer and I have a Crackberry, it's about the only way we communicate...

Apparently all the hormones that had left my body had found their way into a boy with a case of cabin fever and a desire to make me blush. I believe you young'ins call it sexting, wasn't quite that but let's just say he wasn't discrete. So there I was trying to figure out how to remove the picture of AB in my head that was accompanying MW's descriptions, I know I am really horrible, and all the while I was trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. Since when did I start wearing an open for all and any business sign because contrary to what seems to be happening that ain't the case. So anyways MW enjoyed himself and I occupied the swirling room, tile floor sitting time with a little humor. So back to this general issue, I expressed to MW I'm not that kind of girl - I love/loved AB so I could rationalize the dysfunctional nature of all that, but well MW is a friend at best, we don't hang out, he lives on a island and all that, and while there are those that argue that's great, it will happen and I can kick him from my bed and the mainland and be done with it. Well I know my heart won't have any part in it. Why is that we think that our hearts should?

PS Next time I drink please just take my phone from me and well maybe I just shouldn't drink, combine medications and fluctuating hormones...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nshepard/1263499165/

Part 1 of 3

It was an interesting weekend that warrants an update in parts.

So DB was not dethroned via conventional methods, there was a breakdown in communication with Ms. J. I got my hormonal self out of bed finally at 4pm on Saturday to get ready. Instead of heading out I spent the evening in Velcro rollers, jeans and a Lululemon hoodie. But fear not all fun was not lost. BR and her friends has a party to attend and started the drinking early, so I was mixing my Midol and Merlot (not to be done again)... I managed to avoid the clubs with them due to my non-existent club wear. I have to say it's been an interesting year shopping wise, I've purchased almost no work clothes and instead have a closet full of running gear and some date appropriate clothing, now a club/party outfit needs to be added to combination... did I mention I don't dance, not that I have anything I against it, I can't. But we are digressing. So I watched the game with Merlot in hand, bid adieu to BR and eventually I wandered off to bed. Well lo and behold the M and M combo made me violently nauseous at about 1:30-2am, about the same time MW twitmessaged me. So in my rotating room, keeled over haze I found myself venturing into Part 2.

But we'll leave that for a moment, back to DB. He was found in the cards to be one of patience. Years have been spent on this pining and I've really just given up. The stars would have to realign and major changes to be had if this were to be. So DB is freed but well damn it as I've said a few blogs back the relationship well has most blessedly run dry.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/visiwalk/6077014/