ALL.THE.FEELINGS

I have been trying to avoid posting because I do feel like it's a bit of a big secret to keep from LG and its the kind I know he wouldn't like me keeping. But I'm trying to process my feelings and whether I hit publish or not on this post, I need to express them.

It's been great - yes things are moving possibly faster than I would have ever imagined, though to be honest I'm not sure what I imagined and maybe that in and of itself it the most nerve-wracking part. I don't know if I knew what this would be like - the disorientation. I feel swept up, caught in something moving that I never expected and didn't ever think to plan for and I'm not sad by that but I am nervous after CEF and given that X and I moved at really a glacial place and were long distance - I didn't have to schedule my life around him.

I am afraid the other shoe will drop and this will all become horrible or I'll wake up one morning and wonder what massive bad acid like trip I found myself on again. As if I cannot make the right choice for myself. I am possibly too sensitive to the desires of those around me. I still struggle when I hear people say well you deserve better, you deserve someone more _____. I might. But by who's standard, theirs? or mine? If I am happy, if I feel safe, if I feel that this person is someone I could raise children with, love that long term love and all those things if it doesn't look like X or he isn't _____ is that wrong?

I don't know what finding that one person is suppose to feel like - I hear it's suppose to feel like butterflies, it's suppose to feel like all sorts of things and you'll just know and you'll just... and it seems to become a spiral I cannot find myself out of, one that uses comparisons and others experiences.

I don't know what will happen long term, how we'll find balance or if he'll go to the UK or if he's truly the one and feels the same or if I'll panic and pull the plug and keep being single - after all that is the easiest. It is so much easier to keep people to a degree present in my life, to not change, to not be pushed, to not push someone else, to not depend on someone, to make decisions with someone else. And while those things terrify me, what if it is in the end like all the hard decisions you make in life one of those things you have to just start doing, even if it does scare you shitless.

At the end of the day we're all messy, we all have things our significant other's family's feel they should have aimed higher for, whether it's our health or education or looks or even age - as LG's has been balked at a few times and yet we make choices. We have a choice to choose who we choose.

And DD update - saw him at a concert event LG took me to and it's not there - the spark, the whatever he had that used to give me cold sweats in his presence has disappeared. It was kind of fascinating. 

Hurdles to be Hurdled

So as LG and I are working toward whatever we're working toward and I'm trying to get my head around all the hurdles I never expected to have to hurdle over and trying to see them as good potentials.

For example LG would have better career options if he moves to England for a few years - he was there before he came home to help take care of his teenage nephew due to a sudden death in the family. IF (HUGE IF, I REPEAT HUGE) I were to go with him my certification for chaplaincy doesn't carry beyond North America. It is its own masters degree in the UK. BUT that being said, while I would love to work in chaplaincy, working in a small parish/church I would have the opportunity to do many of the same things as well as developing longer term relationships with members. So it might actually be harder and possibly a richer experience. But that changes what my life will look like as of this summer - so it might mean having some serious discussions a lot sooner than I might want to

But that being said we talked about his hours. I get that lawyers work crazy hours and when I dated X I knew as an in-hospital physician he would also work similar hours. But as I've gotten older, I've wrestled with the reality that sure an extra pay check and a warm body on the other side of the bed are nice things, but if I'm by reality a single parent, why aren't I just a single parent? In that what is the benefit to having a partner who cannot partner with me in all aspects of life. I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself, never mind what that would look like with LG in the picture.

He is still conservative and I know that will be a work in progress, quite frankly I think in this arrangement he has the tougher road. He has strong opinions about things and my life experiences have so far shut down conversations in awkward but humorous to me, exchanges. For example I tweet anonymously and he chided me saying that it's cowardly to not put my name to my opinions. And fair enough, given all the NLLL trolls that populate the interwebs that is a justifiable response. HOWEVER, I have CEF to deal with and I am privileged to a little peace and privacy. That response resulted in a retraction. Yes dude I will fight you on these things like your definition of feminism and Internet privacy. I'm not bothered by it, they are little hurdles that I'm prepared to see where we both fumble.

But all that being said in the last 24hrs my EH account is getting some serious action and I can only laugh. REALLY? Now? I have no desire to push LG to the whole are we seriously dating discussion because the title isn't worth a lot and I'm not adding a FB status to my life so whatever, but I'm not sure how to respond to these men. And I know JS would suggest I test out the waters with these men, but I don't have it even remotely in my heart to.

We'll see - Ms. J and her beau and the two of us have a double date next Wed, so once he overcomes that hurdle we'll see what discussions arise.

Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

LG and I just talked for 3 hours in the middle of exams, when I should be sleeping and it was enjoyable. Did I actually just stumble on to a decent guy whose eHarmony profile was annoying enough but redeemable enough to comment on? Did I stumble into this because I'm that kind of bitchy woman who wants things to go sour and then the world or God or whatever you believe in was like BAM, you need to be proven wrong, so here you go. Now go forth and be continually shocked and shaking your head like WTF.

And I might have invited him over for Christmas with the NLLL clusterNLLL that is my family and he might have said yes, so yes AE you are right it is like high stakes poker to start dating close to Christmas.

Risk

I think I'm struggling right now with risk or maybe more so vulnerability. I haven't since OM and BV been on a date with a man who didn't know about CEF and all the NLLL that went down with that, and now I find myself with LG.

And I think I really like LG, frankly I'm still damn confused, but I want to be with him, so I think that's a good sign about things in that direction. But at the same time I'm nervous. I'm incredibly nervous because genuinely liking someone requires that you be vulnerable, and not in a one shot in a paper or in a class discussion vulnerable. No a slow aching vulnerability where you often have to put words to feelings you don't know how to say or ever want to have to say but because you're still figuring out the dance, you aren't sure. Like I want to kiss LG and I'm not sure if that's too soon or if because of the whole he leads things business, which I'm actually getting used to the whole door opening thing for the car, I don't want to be presumptuous and take charge but I really want to. So I'm doing my own dumb dance of sorts.

UGH.

So yes Brene Brown may be talking to me about this whole it's okay to be vulnerable and he might not really like that person but that's okay because I like me and that's what is really important.

But ya.

So there you go.

Change of Plans

Lawyer and Guy and I didn't seem to be on the same page and we don't have the same schedule because his parents are in town, but for whatever reason he's found my soft spot or a lonely spot or a something spot because on Saturday night when he texted me to see if I could come out last minute, we ended up making plans for a late movie last night  as I'd been in the Hunger Games with AE that evening.

So he came to the door this time, it was a little awkward, I wanted to hug him, I would hug everyone else, I guess I just felt/feel if you're going to play the role of the man I feel a little awkward being the one advancing the physical aspects of the relationship. But anyways. He picked me up and for the first time I got to run the conversation. In the theatre I sat as close as I could, they sure don't make that easy. So we were shoulder to shoulder and this time no panic. As we walked out of the theatre he took my hand, *FINALLY* it was nice. You know in our culture obsessed with sex I continue to see that we miss out on all the nice, comforting touch that is long before anyone gets sweaty or clothes are removed. I took his arm on the way out of the car to the door, and then there was that awkward, what now dance. Like what should I do? So I offered a hug and got that and a peck on the cheek. It was sweet. I should have have just kissed him.

So what did I do I garnered up the courage to ask him out this weekend. I have zero time and he has his parents, but whatever. Bring it on let's see where this goes.

More Confused

Quite frankly I think I'm over this all - seriously, I'm so on the verge of throwing up my hands because I just cannot for the life of me navigate this all.

I text him something simple last night and he calls, but he calls to not really talk - it's awkward, like first of all dude I texted not because I wanted you to call because now I'm on a bus and we're having a weird conversation about your parents and your birthday and it sure seems like there is a hell of a lot of dysfunction going on for him being at 47 year old with invasive parents. FYI that isn't love that's creepy. Boundaries are a beautiful thing. I texted to be like hey I'm still here, I'm still kind of interested - why who knows, and I just want to remind you I've having a freaking awesome, normal life without you - like hello awesome third annual gluten and egg free sugar cookie night.

I'm just don't know what is significant as in the decision process or how this works, the whole getting to know someone to determine if you want to actually date them, but at this point I'm not sure it's worth it and I'm not sure why I feel torn about it either.

I think I need sleep or booze or both.

FYI

I just emailed him on the issue of us being so far apart on things - I'm not going to post it because well I don't need him tracking it down on here - goodness that would be messy.

But we'll see.

Lawyer Guy Update

Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.

1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.

2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.

3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)

4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.

5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.

I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.

So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.

Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.

So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.

Losing My NLLL

Here's the deal I came to this eHarmony business with zero desire for it to be successful if I'm going to be truthful.

So maybe that's why this whole thing has shaken me - maybe it's because if I'm honest, I'm beyond scared of the idea of committing and having babies - more of making the wrong decision.

Hell I didn't really dodge the bullet with CEF, I just managed to get out of it without major injuries.

Each day I try to step closer to the idea of dating someone I realize just how deep those wounds were and how insecure I am with all this - I would love to say I've got my NLLL together. The fact that I don't know what is going on Friday (other than the theatre) - yes no messages since Sunday and no texts and that I'm letting him do some wooing or all my life choices aren't pressing in on me but they are.

So what do I do - well I tell you about them, so I can laugh about the awkward first date bullet dodged of the handshake, hug or kiss dynamic and so I can share my crazy and then I listen to this which is the antithesis of who I'd ever want to be in this dating dynamic but somehow listening to this makes me feel a little better about everything.

Date Update

Match #2 is failing at his scheduling hard core.

Lawyer Man (yes fancy name eh?) has formalized our plans - Friday, dinner and theatre along with an apology he didn't escort me to my door.

Boys - this is what a man looks like, you're being schooled left right and centre and I'm being officially cured of your NLLL behaviour.

Step it up. Seriously. Step it up.

So You Know When I Said

"That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways"

I think I was wrong *winces again*

I think dumbfounded might be a better term. 

So let's back this up before we get ahead of things.

I have been on shitty dates, a lot of shitty dates. This was in and of itself in comparison by no means a shitty date and I don't mean it wasn't shitty because my spanx and hair did what they needed to and he paid for a fairly expensive meal. 

No, I mean like good conversation, good body language - he's a wee bit of a messy eater but hey nothing a little grooming won't fix. He dressed well and looked good. Opened the car door. You know thinking about this I said to AE or probably more so she to me - there is a massive difference a few years makes in a how a single man treats a woman. I know my coworker thinks that I need to be aiming down age wise because they'll be better at sex longer (not sure why that's a foundation to build a life long relationship on but whatever), I'm much happier with someone who knows how to carry themselves. 

He talked well, he's well read. He's smart damn it. And smart is a good way to get into my brain. Brain is the route to my heart and from the heart well you can continue that thought wherever you would like.

He does have some little red flags - I get the sense he wants to get the ball rolling quickly. He seemed a little confused that I had to do my residency outside of my area - a little confused/concerned. I tried to minimize this a little - stating there was some flexibility. He seems to be a little sensitive on the money front - in the he has it and talks about it and coming from myself and a family that is decidedly middle class and I'm sitting at about the poverty line - I don't discuss money, EVER.

The date details/laugh highlights/annoyances:

I think the staff that the nice restaurant we were attending were a little surprised to see us together - I felt like I was being stared at, like I've done in places, trying to figure out what the NLLL is going on between two people. 

The waiter said hi to him, recognizing him and then to me when he realized I was new, stated, "Last time he was here it wasn't with a lady" AWKWARD.

He let me have a view of the city, though I did spend the majority of the time looking at him. (Sidetrack: FYI men, your profile pics should be flattering because his is beyond unattractive compared to him in person - he's not gorgeous, I'm not claiming he's whoever your idea of hot is, but he's not unattractive and I'll leave it at that because I'm still confused about what is going on here)

He walked behind me - this totally weirds me out because all I can think about is posture, stand talk, don't fumble in your heels and oh god how does my ass look, those spanx better be doing what I need out of them.

He did hold all my stuff as I put my sweater on and then helped me with my coat. DAMN it young one's that's how you do it.  You hold a lady's purse and help her with her coat.

SO NOW WHAT?

Well we have another date on Saturday to go to the theatre and I've been awake the better part of the night trying to figure out why I'm still smiling and what on earth just completely blind sided me while waiting by my phone.

WHAT THE HELL

If you're wondering about the other date with the other match - it's this Thursday evening after work in a coffee shop. 

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

Like Clockwork

Every time I bitch about the Douche he redeems himself. After grumbling that the man couldn't find his balls or his spine long enough to just decline the offer, and then of course on Friday after I had told HSBFF in no uncertain terms that despite her belief of a lot of repression but there could be good underneath that she was wrong, he finds me in the atrium and starts a casual conversation. I initially was all:

Like seriously do we need the pretense, you're a douche and there is no way around that and then he "apologizes" and declines the offer, which for some reason unknown to me I said sure well let know if anything else looks interesting... like NLLL let it go, he's never going to be truly decent to you. He's always going to make you want to through something at him and whether it's a plate or yourself it's not going to go down well. You're just going to find yourself doing this and raging inside.

CEF and the Douche...

A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.

"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."

So the thing is the name is going to stay.

Why?

Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.

The message in case your wondering,

"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."

I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.

I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.

As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.

So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.

And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment: