I Will Think Up a Catchy Title Later...

So when I sat down at my desk a while ago, I thought I would blog about the events on my train ride into work, but now, after sniffling back tears watching the end of Grey's from Ms. J's blog about grief, love and life - I feel like well like I wish there was so much I wish I could blog in this moment, but I am conscious that such an act of transparency might betray me... but alas.

I've been sitting on the edge of grief and all sorts of other crazy emotions this last month. Grief at the lost of something that maybe never was available, the fight over how to hold onto whatever there is there to hold on to, if I can, if I should, and the fight to loose my heart, my head, my whatever and everything from AB. And yet, he was my first, not that kind, he was the first kiss that weakened my knees, still sets my heart off it's rhythm, his hands let me know that through all the really ugly nights, the painful days, the screaming, kicking and all that, all the years of nightmares that being touched by someone can feel like something you wish you could package and carry around with you forever, like life. So I grieve that this is all that that will be.

And I am still tormented, my perpetual dating has shifted from those who are hesitant for various reasons, to the overly excited, and now I'm for worse clinging tighter to the memory of AB. BB while sweet, has turned me off, he shot himself in the foot already - for the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo's WHY?!!! Sure I like gestures, like being flattered - hell I am a lady/girl the last time I checked - but gestures like delivering a coffee to my office, a small bouquet of pink peonies, roses or lilies, a home cooked meal, a cuddle - you know those. But all those gestures come from someone who knows me, knows more of me than what I look like on Saturday morning in my running skirt...

So let's say this - while I did have a better night sleep last night, things are rough on this front, I may just give in and by a pair of these...in the interim this is on repeat today