It comes on like a fog, slowly creeping and before you are aware, it's upon you. As I was coaxing V over a local bridge with a narrow, slightly questionable walkway shared with bikes, I though about how often we absorb ourselves in everything else to avoid the fear. The traffic, the oncoming bikes, encouraging V, the beautiful sunset, the click clunk of the cars over the metal parts of the bridge... ignoring that this bridge is considerably higher and more heavy trafficked than the other one... wonder how that works. Are we suppose to in the moments stop, not just stop practically like to take a breather, let a runaway biker pass before you get impaled by a handlebar... but like a moment to peer over the edge, to remember what you are afraid of and why.I know this sounds vague, maybe because I've been mulling over things, over questions in my mind, and the repetition from the ladies of S&P that the time maybe has come for me to make a decision for AB that I don't want to make, but may need to make to stop the round and round, the questions, the doubts, the fears and give him the freedom he claims/knows he wants but can't seem to hold to. I don't know. I guess that's where we are at, I can be patient, I can be a lot of things, but my heart however, it feels like it could get swallowed into the gray fog with little in the way of hope for clearing.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dragonspeed/3234335631/in/photostream/
Take it from someone who has alot of experience with this sort of thing. If someone can't make even a minor commitment on the relationship front right now...then he is never going too. Cut your losses and move on, it is not worth the drama.
ReplyDeletePsudo relationships are pretty much the most soul-draining things in the world and they leave you pumping out so much of yourself and getting absolutely nothing back from it. When you finally do break away, you are left pretty much drained and bitter that someone would basically take advantage of you, and yet, you don't really have anyone to blame but yourself.
I know that the only one I have to blame for the current state of events is me. He wants to stay single - thinks that it will be better for him, but he has no issue with muddling the waters around that with all the other things he feels. So basically I'm dealing with someone with their heart and head in two different places. And I know it's their head that's going to break my heart - I just can't compel myself at this moment to walk away, though I know in practicality sense it's likely the best option.
ReplyDelete