To shut it down, to close it off, stop the bleeding, stop the hurt, stop the hope, stop the something knowing that it isn't about me, though the hurt is because of me. BI is right (his comment is lower in the blog posts), the pain now is my choice, it's been my choice to let AB kiss me/kiss AB, it has been my choice to let his words say one thing and his actions say another. It's also my choice to write this blog in my office when it should really been done somewhere else - somewhere I don't have to remain composed.
Bottom line, I think it doesn't need to be said, just like it doesn't need to be said that I love Manolo's, like that BI's right, if AB's not ready now he's never going to be ready and I'm only going to bleed myself out waiting for him, and in the end I become a shell and he moves on. With BI it was easier, I put my head down and moved on, shut down the lines of communication, and waited for the storm to blow over. This has become so much more entangled and despite the similarities, so different emotionally. I have to come to accept the truths I can hold to, and not the feelings, the hopes, the anything else other than that one decision made two weeks ago now. One that for some reason I keep thinking I can ignore...
A beautiful video, that seems to sum up things in part
this is a response to several posts.
ReplyDeleteWhy does self-preservation often receive the comments of "She's just snobby, her standards are too high, just far to picky" from friends? Why can't people see you can only be vulnerable to a guy so many times( after getting hurt). before you give up in a way. Why when you get hurt the most by one particular guy "the jerk" Do you still find yourself subconsciously/ consciously comparing any other potential guy to him..(as if the jerk had good qualities!) Why when someone good comes along do we wait for "Mr. Jerk"? Hoping he'll miraculously change? We torture our self...willingly
Hi Anon,
ReplyDeleteFirstly welcome and secondly while I blog anonymously and I wholly respect that I love it if you can intial your comment.
It is funny how we do that isn't it? Or maybe it isn't funny - I'm not sure. AB yes is sort of occupying that spot - I wouldn't call him a jerk, but yes I see what you're saying. I know that this too shall pass as I've been able to put the real jerk - CEF behind me, so too might be the fate of AB