I don't like the diagnosis doc...

I have Bella-itis as Ms. J calls it. I would love it to be something else but apparently I’m still suffering from a NLLL broken heart. I don’t want to be. Maybe I’m just mad, maybe I’m just not dealing with being still sick, when all I want to do is run, speed up the axis of the Earth with my movements and fast forward us out of this forsaken mess. Fast forward myself to someone else’s: arms or couch or something, and yet I don’t. I don’t want the white horse and all that and never have – sure I want love. I want that kind of love, we all want it, let’s be honest, we all want that kind of love that grows that becomes the foundation for everything in ourselves, in our lives, grows and through all the ugliness that abounds around us, is something so much greater than us.

Yet AB and I are at the huge ugly impasse that happens when this happens. When you yell stop, stop the carousel, stop whatever this is, I want off, I really want off, no turning back, get me the hell out of here. AB hopped off, granted I don’t think we can say for sure he was ever genuinely on now, and so now I’ve stumbled off, asked for silence, and tried to walk away. I missed AB too much; I will confess I didn’t even last a week. I know that given how I still feel about BI in some respects, AB has been given a hallowed spot in my heart for better or worse. Sure it will likely be overshadowed someday, maybe or maybe not. And now all I really want to do is throw rocks at Bella and her refusal of Jake, but let’s be honest I’ve been playing every freaking role in those forsaken books: perpetually depressed Bella, lovingly persistent Jake, and tortured Edward who walked away thinking it would all be for better. Now of course the book all comes together – Edward and Bella live happily ever after and Jake gets his soul mate. And me, I get a smack upside the head for referencing a teenage book to my life, and silence. The reality is AB is likely going to do as BI did and walk away quickly, find someone soon and I will out of respect, honor the silence, their relationship and the paths we all have been given/choose. I am trying to make peace with that, that life won’t be like it was, peace with the awareness you don’t get to say what was said, do what was done, regardless of how you feel about it, and think you get to throw the lid back on Pandora’s relationship box. Hearts, lives, all of it gets ugly, and it just becomes a mess beyond time’s repair. In time AB’s heart will heal in regards to her and in time so will mine in regards to AB, but that does not mean that time will heal the friendship, regardless of what I may wish. In the end maybe it all is a beautiful disaster. Or maybe somewhere in the hope left in all this, things come together and fall apart in other ways.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/23065375@N05/2234743247/