I don't want to but I do....

Sometimes life does not grant you what you want or what you need, but rather it grants you an opportunity to rather just extend the kind of grace you sought at one time and couldn’t find.
I could see AB’s answer in his eyes last night, I saw it in him, I had been feeling the answer radiating from him for a while now, so while it came as no surprise, what did surprise me was my response. I found myself standing in my bathroom, hung over from the cold medicine, trying to figure out if one it was too early to drink – coffee people – nothing else, but more so why the shower I had had didn’t strip away the emotions that seemed to want to poke their way through my skin, emotions that I should be feeling, emotions that I didn’t want to feel. Why? Well damn it I’ve cried too much in the last year, ate too much cookie dough, ice cream, consumed more alcohol in the survival of bigger, deeper wounds, crying at that moment felt like crying over spilt milk, crying over spilt vodka I could justify, this just well was just a NLLL type moment. I assembled myself, trying to figure out why I couldn’t recognize myself, why some of these feelings felt so much like last year and not different. AB decided to move forward independently, to grow and find himself, find this idea that it seems men have about the necessity of being a stable/provider type. I find it crazy, but then again I’m a woman, we think all sorts of things are necessities in relationships that aren’t – like being toned, tanned and another t word before he sees you for who you are under all the spanks, Victoria’s Secret and all that.. .
I did cry. I have, since I can’t run, I can’t really do a whole lot other than blog and maybe find some kind of solace in Aapa and Momo. I wish I could find solace in AB, but I’ve decided that AB is needs real freedom from me and I from him, we move forward on our respective journeys, I get to spend my time learning to literally put one foot in front of another on this new journey that the year of survivalship has afforded me. Do I think AB will find me, do I think that AB and S&P will be at some point? I will say that I wish that was so, I wish for many things in regards to AB, small things like I wish he would have kissed me last night, a kiss for all that would never be, could have been and all that, but it didn’t happen. I think for AB the jump is a little too far down, and unknown to venture it, even if he was ready, no matter how much it seemed like he would have with his in hand in mine.

So I know that this song will likely make some of you question my musical preferences, let's just say sometimes it's more about what soothes the heart than your ears.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/78099783@N00/2350778044/