More Questions than Answers

The last few days have been hard or more so bittersweet - the way I think life should appear, be, in the blur of our daily life and or pains there are moments of beauty, peace, and acceptance, moments that maybe mean far greater to one person than they do another. Last night was like that. Now granted I'm writing this blog outside/past the events of last night, so they are coloured in the morning and or mourning hues of an indulgent cinnamon bun, coffee, pink roses, white candles and the sorrow of John Mayer's burning room.

I sat on the beach last night with AB, tucked in beside him watching grey hues become just darker shades of grey dotted by the light of the setting sun. In that moment, the pain of last year twinged deeply within, here I was, new S&P, a year ago I sat on a beach much like this one and had to for what felt like the millionth time expose a wound that had been festering for years, a wound that I found silenced more people than it encouraged to help me. I had now found arms I felt safe in, arms that accepted those wounds, though clean and on their way to recovery, they are still very real... I felt human. In a moment I felt human, I felt whole, I felt accepted, I felt like I could be that brave girl no matter what will come in this life, I am me, I am the S&P life gave life to many years ago. But that moment was just that moment. A moment of tactile emotion, in the sea of this past year. As we weaved our way back to AB's place hand in hand, his heart wasn't there, the heart I'd been trying to pin down, was even further way. AB it turns out, was lost in a moment vaguely similar to mine a year ago, and I stress vaguely. AB though he had professed affection/attraction was at a place in his life where I couldn't fit, and maybe truly he wasn't sure if I would fit at all. He couldn't understand why I would like him. Maybe because at it's root, it felt like there was a life source within AB, within how he saw and interacted with life that was fertile, there was good, there was peace, there was acceptance, there was so much I couldn't put my finger on. Regardless it was AB's choice to make, his path in life in which to find peace, the kind of I can look myself in the eye kind of peace and know who I am kind of peace. His answer though made it hard for me to do the same.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/plinton/236714905/ - check out the title of the photograph.