Epiphany = Fracture

There was a moment last year where I have said my true self got a hold of my everything else and took control. The true self has gotten lost as of late. The stumbling in all this doesn't surprise me, we all do, especially since as we joked through everything, I'm basically starting life over. I'm all for starting over, all for making mistakes, however some of those mistakes have lead to moments in the last few weeks I never want to repeat in my single life ever again.

That really isn't the epiphany part of things. I was in a church last night (maybe a surprise to some of you), and I had a moment where I realized that "this" (AB) is a mess of my enabling self, and in the end nothing becomes of it all. Now yes I realized that is about the most obvious epiphany summation I could come up with - there was a lot more, but well that all can be summed up with another obvious realization, I'm loved by God and my community more than AB, and they up hold me, and I need to be honorable before them.

So really what in the end does this all come down to - a love/hate relationship with AB, as I try and let the self respect part of me become the inner survival b*tch we all have. AB won't commit, he won't, it's the mantra I've come to begin to repeat. I am in one way or another a hindrance to a life he thinks he needs to live, and maybe he does. I understand that belief, hell it was one of the reasons I life CEF in the dust, it was one of the polite reasons. but I know it isn't normally the predominate reasons.

I know I'm not really making sense, I guess it comes down to these issues:

1. I care deeply for AB in a romantic sense, love him as a person

2. He wants to go to Japan for an extended period of time - that's fine - to be honest I would have no issue if we were in a relationship if he wanted to do this - if it became an issue - I wouldn't have an issue with moving there if that was asked of me, of course there would have to be some kind of formal commitment in that case - that's a general thing - regardless of the person.

3. I have goals in my future - those goals seem to cause concern to AB, though I don't believe I'm wrong by saying I know they are in his future view of himself.

4. I am aware that there is a high percentage chance that regardless of things said and things done that AB could as he said yesterday and I quote "pick a different pichachu for his pokemon" whatever the hell that is.

So I think this is where that chasm opens ever so slowly, and things fall apart only to come back together in different ways - with pieces of AB laced into the fabric, but neither as the warp or the weft.

Musical selection

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cassyratz/2802021509/

Somedays I wish life in the S&P Universe of Management was this fun...

Though I think we'd pick this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JD6ejmlpa8, you've got to have the actions

Squishy

Somewhere in the last year I went soft in more ways than one. I used to be smaller, a lot, and now I'm a living example of why a vegan diet is a beautiful thing. And so now the long crawl back to those jeans still tucked away in the bottom drawer. I know that it isn't all bad. I've said if all I had to lose or in the end gain was a few extra pounds in all the NLLL that went down in regards to CEF that is all is still for the best. Really I could have gained a CH (Crazy Husband) and then the lovely title of divorcee or something like that... because let's be honest, it would have gone down that way somehow, someway. I don't know how, when I look back at it all that things went as far as they did... anyways. Back to the grind, so I don't cringe a little internally every time AB touches me.

Music for the fun that will be had, toxic and fluffy:

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fre_natae/3209332438/

A Lesson for the Young Ones and My Future Self

Don't give your heart to a boy who can't commit. Don't give one ounce of yourself beyond that moment where those words come out. Like that moment where you stood in the dying moments of summer, where you felt that chasm grow within you and the desperation that squeezed that wound shut with the ferocity you've never known. Don't stay to watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees, don't wait for the seasons to change in the hopes that the cold outside will somehow make him want to warm his heart with your care/love. Don't find yourself standing in the rain at odd hours waiting just to see him, to hug him, to be there and feel your heart race, for the world to back go back to the way you want it for just a moment, the rotational momentum of the world is stronger than anything he makes you feel.

He might say he misses you, he will make you think he does really care about you, really genuinely feel the same way. He might, but he doesn't really until that moment when he grabs your hand in public, when you aren't just the friend with every benefit but those words. Those words somewhere in all the feelings and moments come to amount to so much more. Don't give your heart without those words, even if you are aware that hearts are messy, lives are messy. If you do, you'll have this moment to look back on, you'll remember the want you feel towards AB. May it serve as a reminder.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orangeacid/173503843/

Bipolar

I am not clinically bipolar, but I might just be a true Gemini - I have a split personality when it comes to the matters of the heart. Recently I came to realize that the clinical, practical, methodical part of me that entered into relationships in the past has left the building, and now I find myself saying things I would have in a previous life never thought to have even uttered. What happened? I don't know to be honest. I am looking for the pendulum to swing back and somehow wedge itself somewhere in the middle. But I think some how we're here for the meantime and I need to find away not to love with wild abandon as was recommended by a lady for whom her mental health has been questioned, so maybe not.

Right now it's more like learning how not to love with wild patience, unrealistic, more than guaranteed heartbreak and yet here I am. I am going through the motions of dating other men, of "keeping my options open" and all the while finding no way imaginable to get my heart to follow suit. We tried silence, we are seeing each other less, though it could be argued that the time together has a more intimate tone to it now given the course of events. It's in the end a non-friendship that has no definition, about as gray as possible, and I am not okay with it in moments, like the moments where I wish I could get to hold his hand, and other times where I know that somewhere I signed up for the waiting. I signed up for the option of no guilt, no coercion, no but you ___, but rather something else. What the duck as my Blackberry likes to say.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/crazycatchthecat/3676038407/ - I love the title of the shot - He makes me bipolar does that mean I like him. Yes honey I think it does.

Planning for the Future

No there is no bun in the oven (that I'm aware of though it has been the joke of late) or any thing that would warrant a rushed plan for the future. But I have been thinking about it. In the past I've been one to have specific plans, strong rules, guidelines, strong just about everything. And now I'm aware that there has been a dramatic change of heart over the last little while. So the idea of planning for the future, while I would like the future to come has well sort of been put on it's head.

I used to believe that I would find that person who was compatible - note I did not say "someone who completes me" or the one or any of that - someone with whom I could see myself living in a loving, respectful partnership with is the goal, key on all those parts. Anyways I would find that person, we'd date (because that used to seem so easy), he would think I was amazing (and yes of course vice versa) and he'd scoop me up off the market and we'd be married in time frame ranging from 1 yr to 2 years in total. I still sort of wish for that, though it seems that the first part of that equation might take an eternity...

I also used to hope for a few years to get used to living with said person - and then the babies. The thing is I'm aware I'm not young, nor is my body and waiting is waiting for more issues later on. I would like to say I'm not feeling any concern, that I know I have time, and I do. I am not on the hunt for all that - but it is there somewhere in the nagging back of my mind, thrown to the front every so often when I open a Women's Health and they happen to have an article on how I can prepare my uterus for the future occupant, regardless of the immediacy of that... hmm, didn't want to think about that, thanks.

The future is gray, I wish it wasn't but it is and that just is well the way I guess it's going to be...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/erin_ryan/2479288574/

Letting the Music Incriminate Me

Hate That I Love You - Rihanna

Struggling

I would like to say amidst all this dating* that I've managed to come to some grand epiphany other than the one that shouldn't get repeated again - I have an issue with that one. The last two dates, correction all but BV have shared too much, and BV couldn't hold a conversation. Look fellas, I know I'm a talker, I work my brain - my feelings and all that out, out loud or in print - which is close enough, and I somehow, just barely have figured out the whole self censor business. Yes I've developed a challenging situation with the NLLL, but I know that the following can cause silence and really awkward situations:

1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...

2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.

3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.

You can tell me the following:

1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...

2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.

3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc

4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.

But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:

1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky

2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...

3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.

I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...

Saturday Morning Musical Distraction...

What If Im Right - Sandi Thom

Case of the Giggles...

CW is giving me a case of the giggles discussing Edward and her own Edward if you would like to call him that, I know he would have no objections to such a term. He's going as such at Halloween much to his own risk I am sure... Twilight, Twihards and all those peoples I have to say that you were dissected by me for X who looked kind of frightened by the whole sparkly vampire thing and the OCD kind of mindset that comes from reading the book - the whole stay in your stinky pajamas...

Other funny convo fragments:

He wants me to put sparkles on him
You know that you're putting him at risk of bodily harm
It's fine the sparkles would just be on his head, besides everything below his head is all mine
You just want to bring that angry Gemini side out don't you
*Snicker*
Just be ready, really ready

He says he wants to live like the 50's, why doesn't he do it and marry me?
What and have a loveless marriage?
No no no, you know what I mean
Sorry read too many of those feminist books.

You know you can sit
No I'm fine
Sorry I like to sit, and now I feel lazy - You know you can file from your chair, just lower the seat...

So what are you two, did you sleep alone?
What do you mean?
Did you have the talk?
Not really, he FB'd me
So
So...
*Rolls eyes*
Don't start with me, because I don't know where to start with him

He wants to give me a promise ring
What a ring that says I'll consider being committed to you
Ya one of those, *rolls eyes*
*Inserts finger in mouth*...

File This Under

Things I wish I could say to someone, things I would never want to say and all the stuff in between... you can pick out those phrases. And just in case you were wondering I heart Owen and Christina - the whole savior complex I've got going on - and and and I might have put an I Saw You in the local paper - AB thinks they're creepy and I do sort of, but in my defense it was an thank you to the incredibly nice, and possibly very handsome guy who as he ran past me on a local bridge cheered me on to catch up. Oh honey I would have if I could.

Yay, My Taboo Love of PCD has been Redeemed...

I Will Think Up a Catchy Title Later...

So when I sat down at my desk a while ago, I thought I would blog about the events on my train ride into work, but now, after sniffling back tears watching the end of Grey's from Ms. J's blog about grief, love and life - I feel like well like I wish there was so much I wish I could blog in this moment, but I am conscious that such an act of transparency might betray me... but alas.

I've been sitting on the edge of grief and all sorts of other crazy emotions this last month. Grief at the lost of something that maybe never was available, the fight over how to hold onto whatever there is there to hold on to, if I can, if I should, and the fight to loose my heart, my head, my whatever and everything from AB. And yet, he was my first, not that kind, he was the first kiss that weakened my knees, still sets my heart off it's rhythm, his hands let me know that through all the really ugly nights, the painful days, the screaming, kicking and all that, all the years of nightmares that being touched by someone can feel like something you wish you could package and carry around with you forever, like life. So I grieve that this is all that that will be.

And I am still tormented, my perpetual dating has shifted from those who are hesitant for various reasons, to the overly excited, and now I'm for worse clinging tighter to the memory of AB. BB while sweet, has turned me off, he shot himself in the foot already - for the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo's WHY?!!! Sure I like gestures, like being flattered - hell I am a lady/girl the last time I checked - but gestures like delivering a coffee to my office, a small bouquet of pink peonies, roses or lilies, a home cooked meal, a cuddle - you know those. But all those gestures come from someone who knows me, knows more of me than what I look like on Saturday morning in my running skirt...

So let's say this - while I did have a better night sleep last night, things are rough on this front, I may just give in and by a pair of these...in the interim this is on repeat today

A Song I Wish I Could Be Rocked To Sleep By...

The mention of Santa Ana winds brings me back to Joan Didion's essay collection Slouching towards Bethlehem, and it makes me slightly nostalgic for the train, the daylight creeping into the valley, casting light a pink hue over the wind farms and the flashing signs along the I10 portion of San Bernadino

or this lovely tune too:

To AB

In honor of all the moments past - I laughed when the title came up on the Imeem random shuffle... I heart you Ray, and all those memories too - though maybe the gin colors them a shade of blue, similar to that now officially retired blue dress.