Let Us Pause for a Moment

I normally post about the downsides to dating and not dating and the majority of the time I sound a little cranky.  Truthfully though?  Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children (scourge of ha-eretz*) and the commitment hesitant.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into X's hands or a spine into RB's back and nor do I really want to for either, they've made their decisions.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed, a little bruised and maybe even damaged deeper, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations.

So on that note whatever is revealed through this RB thing, either about his character, his friends or mine it is all good.  Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

And if you need a little musical pick me up - Beyonce's The Best Thing is a perfect place to start.

*the earth - sorry a little Anglo-Hebrew

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peppermint-wind/5063934086/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Nuclear Fall Out

A few little words do have a devastating effect.  Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire).  So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.

Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what?  When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze.  It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB.  It's not suppose to be like that.  Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente?  We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out.  If that fails I might just be singing this later...

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

I Was Brave/Stupid Today

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how stupid it was that I was going to wait to tell RB that I liked him.  Why did I need to worry about it for a NLLL month when I had bigger fish to fry like Hebrew, and for what?  It's still going to be awkward and at least if I did it sooner, the awkwardness would be over sooner.

So guess what?

I did it this afternoon.  And even better I did it while in the same room and without alcohol.  That sounds like I was amazingly brave, but I was not.  I did it via FB message and I don't think it counts that I did it while sitting 3 cubicles away because I sure as heck ducked out of the library as fast as I could after I hit send.

In case you're curious I did tell him not to respond.  I mean I am operating on the assumption that he's just nice but doesn't actually like-like me and so given that I need absolutely no pithy statement or coddling.   If he likes-likes me and that's a massive IF, then well the ball is in his court. 

HSBFF thinks he should call or do something - quite frankly I've been brave enough for one day I don't need a phone call. 

And yes I know this is a break up song of sorts but lets be frank this is going to be my song for tonight and we're going to be moving upwards from here.

So Maybe I am

A little bit of a prude.  I prefer to call it decorum.  I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people.  I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB.  Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me.   There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space.  The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread.  You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid.  Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone...  It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me.  So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible.  Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal.  In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine.  I was fine with that for OM, AB and X.  Beyond that there is no beyond that.  I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it.  I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands.  There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.

Why?  RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me.  He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on.  And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process.  And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest.  So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you.  Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain."  Or maybe FB message.  Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew.  Yes it's back on.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

Bitten

By the jealousy bug that is.

Now you might think, well that's normal, after all I do like RB.  Well yes and no.  I don't normally find myself jealous in relationships as I highly value trust and find it easy to give, though it is easy to permanently lose.  Also maybe differently I don't find that jealously fuels me to do crazy things but it does fuel my insecurity.  For example RB was talking with a fellow student today - she's younger than him, perky, loud even and her and I were wearing almost identical outfits.  She elicits a completely different response from him and than I do, the kind that makes me go how am I different?  What does she have that let's him feel comfortable about throwing an arm around her or being so boisterous with her when he and I sure don't laugh like that and he has never touched me.  Now granted the context around RB and my relationship is a little different but it makes that little voice in my head question well maybe I am too old, too much like a mother, not pretty enough, not skinny enough and so on and so forth.  I would rather not like him than like him at this moment.

Is Younger Okay?

I feel like the universe is getting its jollies this weekend in my name.  First I actually admitted to liking RB, like in public, to people who know RB.  I have fought this whole thing subconsciously for too long and now well it's real.  As real as it's going to be, for whatever that counts. Further yet as I was getting a ride to the train from family dinner night, HB (Hockey Brother - unofficially adopted younger brother who lives with my PU) started going on about how he has decided he wants to date older women.  So we had a brief conversation why dating younger is hard at this age, primarily because I don't need some false moment of feeling young by dating a man who is young enough to be my son, that isn't even legally possible at my age, but you know what I mean.  Regardless it was a weird moment of having a conversation with a man RB's exact age and hearing him say he would date older.  Not necessarily a thumbs up from the universe but it is what it is.  Beyond that I don't think there is anything I can do about RB.  The usual things don't apply.  I tried food items, I've tried the let's spend time together in an unofficial capacity.  Short of blatant and thus not so smooth flirting all I have left is wait or full on take initiative.

Wait it is.

And it dawns on me...

I have been having a Mr Darcy moment.  Not me as Elizabeth but me as Darcy.  If you're wondering what I am exactly referencing, consider this.  Yes RB is younger than me and I might have been rather blunt about this around him.  But maybe because I just do not know what to do in general.  After X it has taken a lot for me to psyche myself up for another relationship, for the up and down and the possibility of rejection.  Rejection is after all always a possibility.  So considering at this point to date someone 4 years younger who likely is not on a family/baby track, not that I can practically be spawning any time soon has made me waiver in my affections.  Beyond that it's hard enough to find someone who isn't a man child so fishing in a pond where being a man child is a fair moment in life it just seems foolish.  So here I am.  Aware that in many ways I'm slipping more and more daily into growing affections and at the same time being more and more hastened to pull away.  Because that makes so much sense.

Photo: http://themostbeautifulthing.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/kiss-sailor-nurse.jpg

Cracking

I was cracking earlier this week but that's a discussion for another time and place.  Right now there is a portion of my brain considering the following question:

At what time does your expression of interest in someone meet a point of being blatantly obvious, maybe even embarrassingly so to everyone else but is not addressed by the object of the interest?

I ask because KAB (Kick A** Ballerina -you know who, that's your new name unless you have a suggestion) pointed out during lunch a few days ago a fellow male classmate who has a propensity to fling himself with wild excessive abandon at almost any pretty woman.  It's embarrassing for everyone, not just him, it's like a train wreck in all it's glory, where you know you shouldn't stare but you cannot help yourself.  So I know I'm not him, but where am I at?  HSBFF asked today while we were making dinner would I date RB.  I don't know if we have anything - quite frankly I don't even think I'm his type, but I would like the opportunity to see.  Does that make sense.  I mean I'm a firm believer that a date is not a relationship and dates are good things, they help push you both awkwardly into a space where you decide if it clicks or its at least worthy of another go at awkwardness.  The thing is I don't know if there is anything I can do short of doing the asking myself that isn't going to declare my intentions to the whole of my graduate school because he sure hasn't picked up on any of my classic techniques.  I don't know, so here I am wondering what to do right now I feel like the only choice I have is to let it die... maybe that's where my heart is right now.  It's easier to let it go then to push the point.

I went down the rabbit hole of Youtube and found this, he maybe young but the boy has skill.

For a later date

I am posting this primarily because my new faith/school and whatever else blog has yet to be set up by Ms. J and I don't really have time to deal with that process either.

But I think I've figured out why there are so many single women in my school.  The single ones are normally good or awesome friends with all their married and single friends respectively.  Being close friends is one way to start a relationship - that's how AB and X started, but both of those relationships individually tipped over the friend edge - AB when he was sick - we held hands on the couch - his sweaty sick hand and well it was downhill I guess from there.  And X well it happened BBM'ing Christmas Eve '10, we had the you spend a lot of time talking to me talk - the one where we agreed we both liked spending that amount of time talking.  But now?  Now there really isn't the incentive to ask the big, "do you want to ___" question and there is just too much time sitting firmly on the edge of friendship/dating.  The other challenge, is as RB (Runner Boy is going to have to be his name) said, possibly coyly on Thursday as we road the bus, some men like a strong willed woman.  Yes some do?  Someone like you is what I should have asked but given that we were talking about his grandfather on the verge of dying and all sorts of other topics, being so hey I think you're cute (but you're young and I feel creeped out dating younger), want to try the whole date thing out? *Facepalm* That's where I am at.  One big *facepalm* or *head desk* that relates to school too but mostly this situation.

I have been letting things be because as Kelly Clarkson says, just because I'm alone, doesn't mean I'm lonely and that is true, and I also want things to happen naturally and quite frankly I suck at flirting when I second guess myself - and I am second guessing myself with him because I don't think I'm what he wants and yet on paper he's good, and yes he's cute, just not sure if we have more than friends chemistry.  Good lord.  Well now that all that nonsense is out of my brain on to the Hebrew.

Stress, I do not like you...

I understand you are a necessary part of life - we need a fight or flight response.  The problem is when you mix fight or flight with estrogen you get a bizarre and well NLLL'up cocktail.  So for example this week as I started my Hebrew Intensive Course in which I will cover a year's worth of work in 24 days, a task for which the word stress does not convey the degree of onslaught, I get my worst period in over a year.  An almost equivalent to my non-IUD light period.  Which is to say basically my uterus is exerting itself big time and with that comes all the emotions.  Those emotions are what you may ask - well tears, yes lots of those but also a serious case of lust.  I don't know if lust is the right word for it.  Actually it's not the right word for it because I don't want necessarily want someone, I'm just craving that adrenaline rush, that first good kiss or any good kiss but definitely the first goods ones are normally the best.  It's weird, I don't know why that's what I want, maybe it's to offset the emotions.  Regardless it's not going to happen any time soon that's for sure.

I mentioned a little while back about a "date" I had with a classmate to run.  And before you wonder why you've heard so little of all this was primarily because I didn't think of it as a date until I stood in the freezing drizzle wondering why the hell my stomach was doing gymnastics.  And I swore to myself as we walked to our respective buses that I would not date him, he was going to stay here and I was going to do a PhD program - solved any problems.*  Since then he and I have been trying to run together more often, and there have been definite moments where I think he likes me but I just cannot for the life of me distinguish whether it's like like or friend like.  And for a long time it didn't matter to me.  And now, I'm questioning that.  He's sweet.  And this is where I could go on about both sides of the coin.  But at the end of the day I think the program we're in seems to push people together so they're close enough to be dating, you start looking out for each other in deliberate ways, trying to shuffle our burdens towards some kind of mutual distribution (burdens being life ones, not homework just in case you're wondering though most people will help others).  But maybe because of that there is little to no incentive to actually take any plunges.  You know that person likely does not have a life elsewhere, I mean they spend most of their waking and some of their not waking hours with you or classmates, so why date them, why complicate things?  What if I want to complicate things? 

Decisions I cannot make until August 10th... which is probably a good thing.

*Now that a PhD isn't happening this has become a fragile insistence - damn it!

Biggish Update

First and foremost I celebrated my entrance into a new decade last Friday and it was A-MAZ-ING, full of awesome people, wonderful music and well it was just enough to make this girl spend most of the night after it was all over in joyous tears about how awesome things are.  So overwhelming.

I figured I should start with the good stuff first - after that amazingness, I must confess it sort of goes downhill - quit online dating and I'm really glad about that, it will come when it comes, not closed to options including online but right now is not the right time for the emotional part. 

However,

It is the time for my ovaries to really get into the who they want to procreate mode. I really feel like it is not fair to have a body part that can excrete hormones trying to dictate what the rest of me is going to do, when quite frankly I cannot do a damn thing about it.  Sure I want a baby but not without the support of a partner.  The reason that I bring this up, I was sitting in the atrium this week at school trying to read and the baby er man that my dad had been cooing over in the Fall walked in with the 2 year old he takes care of.  If my ovaries could have chased in him down they would have.  He was so cute. But he's SO young and I just cannot.  I know there are plenty who can, I however, cannot.

The musical soundtrack to my birthday, see I told you it was A-MAZ-ING:

Things that make you go hmmm

Have you ever heard of GOOGLE?

I am sure you have, but I seriously question the men on this site.  So this site I'm on is one of those where free is an option but a severely restricted option - so basically they're forcing the women to pay to weed through and fend off the weird ones, or the smart men actually use Google and figure out that my user name is the name of one of my other blogs, Twitter handle and if you smack hotmail.com on the end of it you get one of my email accounts.  I picked that username on purpose because of this issue, saves me the money and is like the basic thinking level hurdle.  Seems like it's tripping up EVERYONE.  If you're wondering when I did this 5 years ago, within hours my MySpace account had messages from men I'd checked out (they can see your views on this site in question).

It also seems like this lack of being aware that your user name can be Googled and you can be investigated has also not factored in to what they may or may not want to hide.  I found someone not super close by but close enough, same country, same area-ish with just a body of water and a ferry between us.  Not crazy but not ideal. Then again if he's batshit, which is sort of my default assumption (yes I'm horrible), it means that I don't have to worry about running into him, which is actually becoming a major source of anxiety for me right now.  Deal with one psycho ex and you're ruined for life it seems.   Anyway, so I Googled said man/boy and he's on a bazillion dating sites.  This should likely not be a red flag, hell you throw the net wide, but it's a definite hmmmm.  Even more so, OkCupid's site show in the personality test contradictions to what he has written about himself.  Granted they aren't necessarily accurate, but the disconnect is also a little disconcerting.  You state yourself as one way and the personality test sees you another, either way you aren't so self aware. 

So I'm over thinking all this - it is definitely pushing my boundaries and comfort zones in ways I didn't expect it too and it's becoming a little difficult to not feel anxious, worrying about safety and etc.  But I might just email this one, you know push the envelope a little further...  We'll see.  I am still kind of stuck in the if he's interested enough he'll get his shit together place.  One plus to this boy, he's got tats, to which I know Ms. J is reaching out from wherever she is and trying to smack me. *duck*

Change of Plans

I think I might need a change in my dating profile description because as much as I had and still have no intention of turning it into an essay I still feel like I'm getting too many old men, cowboys and service men.  I can come off as an elitist a lot of the time when I speak my mind on "paper" and that is often not far.  In talking to JS last night I was trying to explain this tension I have in that while I respect that trade workers not only work hard but that they make good money, I know likely intellectually they're not on par.  If I was 20 and just wanted to have fun and snog a few cute boys that would be fine.  However, that is not the case now, and no amount of amazing snogging and other is going to keep a marriage alive.  Especially not a marriage to me, who yes as a woman who has a libido now, is also fully aware there will comes days or months where I might be the size of a house carrying spawn and I want to know I can related and depend on someone.  To talk through things - because I am a talker - that is how I process.

So anyway that's the plan for the moment to give this whole on-line thing the good ole grad school try.