Another One Bites the Dust

OM got married this weekend.  I'm not going to dwell on my feelings of creepiness at the whole affair and rather just say I'm thankful I didn't once again lose my head and that have been me and more likely, have been invited to the wedding.  I think it's only appropriate that all women who might have dated the groom, or even been awkwardly hugged by him in his unfortunate mom jeans should not be invited to his nuptials.

I cannot say I wasn't a little stung at being still single - don't we all want to get down the isle before someone who snubbed us - especially when there was no damn good reason to be snubbed other than well... I digress, no discussion of creepiness.

I have found myself trying to accept the men around me as fine if they are messy.  I know that sounds weird and let it not be construed as I am caving in desperation.  There is no caving and there is no desperation.  I am just realizing though some may definitely be certifiable, that I need to just deal with their presence in my classes or social circles.  Now that being said, let no single man get any ideas that I have any more pity dates to hand out - BV used my life long allotment.  And really even if for some reason I wanted to do say get out for a evening I would much much rather a night with JS or Ms. J or hell any other woman in my life right now - plus it's almost hockey season - I get all the men I want that way - at a distance, hot and sweaty, playing my favorite sport!

Now for an unrelated song recommendation from X - all about my FAVORITE thing in this world:

One Week Down...

*DEEP CLEANSING BREATH*

This week had left me last night in the fetal positioning, crying.  Well they did warn us it would be difficult and I as usual committed a personal crime by under estimating the initial energy output and not preparing regardless. I had a huge list of little and big things to do this week - like buying a printer and hauling it home on the one day this week I decided to wear heels.  I thankfully managed to get it set up with very little stress.  However, this purchase brought into focus the fact that my student loan had yet to come through.  So that got me thinking - when should it come in? So I Googled and found conflicting answers - all indicating that I should have had my money already - so I started calling - waited 20 minutes with one number to be given another number to call them and then at 8pm I was cut off even though I was on hold.  Yes I know that is the end of your business hours but how about you don't take calls after that time rather then dumping those on hold.  So I emailed them and found out that it wouldn't have mattered I needed to call Ottawa... geez.  I managed after a whole bunch of craziness and multiple calls to get someone in Ottawa - and I am getting my monies - just going to take a while. *SIGH*

But really all that does not compare to the mind busting-ness that graduate school has been thus far.  But you know what I can survive that - I however, cannot abide the pretentious asshats that are coming out of the woodwork left and right and well up and down too.  Seriously men folk we went over this last week in the protocol discussion, you don't ask asshat like questions.  You DO NOT offer a 10 minute personal treatise on a subject and then ask a broad non-direct pseudo question just because you wanted to either hear your own voice in a microphone or two try and sound smart to your professor.  Neither are good reasons, trust me.  Instead we giggle and roll our eyes and pray that the professor puts you in your place - as most did in the gentlest of ways.  I however am not one for coddling fools and this is going to be interesting in time... very interesting.

So this once again reminds me to send a little post card to all the little old ladies who swore up and down I would be married after the first semester if I was single - if that is the case I would have been married before I got here.  Why? Because I would have married CEF or the next tool available.  Don't get me wrong there are nice, polite guys - they're just either married or too young or too old or that and married...

Off to bed - I need sleep so badly I worry it may have lost me and it will be a night like the others this week.



PS.  This is not for X - He is fabulous - but rather for all the crazy dipshits that I'm dealing with these days.

Oh Really?!

I promised Just Sayin' I would get my ass back into the blogging world - so here I am y'all.  I start school for reals (thus ending the last time I can use that phrase) tomorrow.  But before we get there I would like to address something.

In the months leading up to school I had dozens tell me that school would be equal to a field full of 4 leaf clovers with unicorns frolicking through double rainbows for men.  Basically in a world full of almost substandard men that I would find intelligent, suave, intriguing men - X clones but "so much better."  I wish I could bring all those people to campus with me.  I don't know what they were all sniffing but seriously folks - they're all married and those aren't - well aren't because well natural selection is still in play.  Case in point.  The second day of orientation at coffee break I found myself next to a second year student taking advantage of the free food.  We started to "talk" - I wouldn't call it easy for him, but whatever there were words coming from his mouth.

Dude: What program are you in?
Me: MCS Interdisciplinary
Dude: Oh, so you're in the choose your own program (scoff)
Me: You?
Dude: MDiv (pause) I need to go.

Now I know it is hard to convey his tone.  Yes I am in the flakiest of the programs - I am also in one of the most difficult ones since I have to chart my own course - I have to have a vision of what I want to do from the start and start digging it out on my own because no one in the concentration will have the same end result.  But really that is not the point - I for some bizarre reason thought that in a school with 50/50 gender representation that the men would be more liberal for lack of a better word.  But I guess while there is a world of men looking for their perfect piano playing, long skirt wearing submissive pastor's wife there is a world of men looking for their MDiv counterpart.  Yes dear while I'm bouncing children off my hip we're going to discuss the nuances of Ancient Greek translation.

I was seriously taken aback at the reality that I will not be accepted as an equal as X has done. I guess it's a good thing that I still have all my feminist texts at the ready...

PS I miss X - I really miss him.

Changes

I started school today, I quit work on Friday and X and I are no longer a couple.  And I all I want in all this change is him.  He is an amazing, sweet, smart, handsome, talented, funny and gentle yet strong man.  A man I am crazy about and I know I will always be to some extent or another - there aren't a lot of great men in this world.  He even bought me amazing jewelry I will cherish with no hints whatsoever. So why?  Why didn't I jump on the next plane?  I cannot bend time and space - we are in different time zones, different countries and different life journeys and we could go on living with 5 minutes of bbm and the occasional Skype date as the glue, but the glue I really need more than anything is knowing in the nights I have anxiety and nigh terrors that I can cling to him and not my cold blackberry.  If I could have I would have bent everything imaginable for this man - but maybe for us that just isn't enough.



They are right - I just wish I could have held on longer.

One Hot Mess

I realized today that large retro sunglasses were not designed for blocking out sun, no they were designed to hide the quiet tears you have while on the train. Why was I committing a cardinal transit sin - open displays of emotion - X missed his flight to see me.  X had is own NLLL day which resulted in that moment - his car dying in the middle of the freaking state - seriously honey one more reason you don't live in the middle of freaking nowhere - but neither is his fault.  I am tired from the crying.  I know I won't see him for a while - maybe a long while.  I feel horrible for him having to fix his car - his vacation being consumed by a belt (one more reason I don't drive - no car maintenance but this isn't the time for that either).  So I'm drinking Rose from the bottle, making the pie I was going to make this weekend for Ms J, her beau and X and wondering what cosmically happened today.

Bottom line if you hear really loud sobbing and Lady Antebellum from the East side of town just leave me be - I'll be okay - seriously.

Did I mention I miss him? Did I mention CW thinks that the only way he can make it up to me is with this:

Funny girl - though I might really like that - I would much much rather just be able to wake up next to him tomorrow and every day after that if I had my way.

You'd Think We Were Past This

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home.  In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am.  Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again.  Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder.  It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever.  Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt.  Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then?  Do I change my name?  Do I tell my future school I've got a  CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours?  Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago.  I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

Changes

Sorry for my negligence of the blog - more changes - I just signed over all my future hypothetical progeny to the government and bank - yes it is officially really official.  So much after giving my future to the government I found myself standing in H&M trying to figure out what the non-business world wears on a regular basis.  I didn't think it would be so hard to switch the worker out of my brain - I mean I am counting down the days until I leave my job (SO excited), so should I be excited to give away most of my work clothes and shoes I really don't love and replace them with jeans, cardigans and flats? Apparently it proved too difficult to make that mental transition, the debt pricetag in my head definitely put the breaks on too.

So instead I came home and started purging, cleaning and reorganizing - yes the OCD in me comes out in full force when there is stress to be processed. On that note - I found 3 frames that need insides - I would like to have inspirational quotes in them.

So lovely people enough about my stress - what words inspire you?

Everytime I wear my stilettos I'm reminded of this song

I hope you find the joy you spent your life giving with your art, but never were able to personally know.

Dear Future Employees

Remember your future boss might be (probably is) on Facebook.  Just a word of advice, you may love Playboy but we run a family friendly company, so try to avoid the bunny being your profile photo.

Sad or Maybe Secretly Happy

AB and I are still FB friends, so when his relationship status change came up, I being an ex, decided to check out who has officially come after me.  Hmmm... she's his ex-roommate for whom he had nothing good to say about to me, apparently her antics and drama where so outrageous /unbearable that he moved out.  The relationship actually does not at all surprise me.  AB has a thing for these kinds of women,  they came before me, so it is no surprise that they or she would come after. The question more for me is - so was I a moment of sanity or insanity for AB?  Was I the 30's something part of his brain, saying time to man up and get a girl who doesn't lie, cheat, starve because she doesn't have a stable job and parties all the time.  Or what I the experiment with on of those "straight-laced" kind, the rebel relationship equivalent for a  hipster?  Whatever I was, I am smirking, because honey your 30's may be the new 20's, in some respects, but it doesn't mean you should keep repeating the same mistakes.  Good luck AB, not sure whether to hope you don't get an STI or hope you knock her up and it straightens you out, or neither.  Let's go with neither and a splash of possible infection.

Audiobooks aren't working for me

I tried to listen to Middlemarch on a free podcast - it was a disaster.  I am feeling a little hopeless about the prospect about finishing the book.  Given that feeling, I shelved the book and picked the next one up in the to read pile (I have about 6 books required for graduate school I've been cycling though - I'm stuck on all of them).  I picked up A Clockwork Orange.  I understand that it is a "required" or even "recommended" read.  However, the book is in a whole other dialect - it's a hybrid of English and an English/Russian mix.  More to the point, it has a three page glossary to go with the book.  I had started to just translate the book, skimming for all the foreign words and penciling in the English versions. While it isn't a long book, it isn't short either and as such I gave up and shelved the book.  I opted to rent the movie, in the hopes I would get a handle on the story and be able to grasp the book.  I stopped after 20 minutes of the movie. A Clockwork Orange, like Martin Amis' Money is one of those books I cannot abide.  I respect that it is art and like all art it does not need to or even strive to appeal to everyone.   But who does it appeal to is my question.

Work Issues Aside

Well not quite aside, of the twenty plus resumes we've received today, only 3 have been via fax and of those only 2 submitted hand written cover letters.  So I guess I dodged a bullet, I don't have to weed the pile down to a half dozen to interview because so far I only have two candidates.

But it's not about the work, this is about that dastardly book called Wuthering Heights I've been having an epic struggle with.  The struggle has ceased thanks to iTunes which offers a FREE (though I would have paid) audio book service for classics.  It is a partnership with universities which offers a chapter by chapter reading of classic texts. Okay so I didn't technically "read" the last 6 chapters of the book, however I did listen to them while doing my GRE math preparation.  I am actually considering using the service for other classics that I cannot find the patience or desire to get into like Middlemarch or EM Forester's works like A Passage to India, which are on my "to read" pile.

A Note from Your Future Boss

I manage a small business currently - that all will be ending in about a month or so, however, before we get to the joy of freedom I get to go through the hell of year end, hiring and training both my replacement and another staff person.  I posted an advertisement which stated that ALL resumes are to be received by FAX with a handwritten cover-letter.

Before I continue I must *sigh*, now can I reiterate that you will not be considered for a job in my office if you cannot follow instructions.  I already have one employee who refuses to do so, I (and my replacement CW) do not need another.

So that being said, you're already in the trash pile when you email me. You're even further into that pile if that is even possible when you have typographic errors, colloquial statements and emoticons in your non-handwritten cover letter.  I am sorry to sound all serious and dower but I am not your "BFF," I am your semi-future boss (I'm still doing the hiring at this stage regardless of who is actually in management after).  I absolutely refuse to accept a resume from someone who has yet to grasp the concept of a first impression.  It makes my blood boil that there is an inability to work for  job.  Yes dear Gen Yer's you need to put out effort for an interview.

I've got to go purge the 10 emails in my inbox right now and maybe drink a little.  For those in management what are your biggest pet peeves about the hiring process?

Wuthering Heights, You're going down

If you don't follow me on my unrelated Twitter account you probably are completely unaware that I laid the challenge down to Wuthering Heights, it was Bronte or me.  More specifically I was prepared to not pick up another novel from my stack until I had finished Wuthering Heights. I had started it many times but always found myself throwing it in the bottom of the "to-read" pile, only to find it on the top a few months later.   This time I knew I had to take it out of circulation permanently.  I would have acheived that this weekend if not for my chronic migraine of late and my GRE preparation.  Yes the GRE has the power to seduce me away from a novel these days. I know that I need to get cracking on both my reading and my studying so that come September the procrastination novel stack will be gone and the GRE will be prepared for as much as possible.

*Fingers Crossed*

Holiday, What Holiday?

I was suppose to have this week off.  I stress the word SUPPOSE.  Obviously that didn't happen and I will be working 4 1/2 out of the 5 days this week.  On my one day off I get a phone call from my boss who is on vacation - so much so that he cannot return an urgent email, that I need to go into work to let our computer tech person in to fix some damage the power outage in these parts did.  Um no.  I am not busing an hour each way to let him in, he can come tomorrow, we are all closed remember.  Well thankfully CW was willing to sacrifice her day off to do it... How soon is it before I'm free from this job?

On top of that annoyance I get an email from the PU I don't talk to often.  Yes she birthed me, but she's also birthed a lot of other crazy since then.  She's all bent out of shape I didn't invite her to my convocation.  She went on FB and decided in her head it was this big freaking party that she got left out on.  Yes I marched across the stage in my glorious pursuit of more debt - but it was only Ms. J and my other PU present. We took some pics and Ms. J and I  bused back to our hood went for food at our local diner.  I had worked that morning, and in the end the whole thing was more about doing it, to say that after 10 years I was really and truly done - it wasn't about her.  Why the hell does it have to be about her?  I know you're going to say I should have invited her.  What for?  So she can drive 2 hours to see me on a stage for 5 seconds? or so I can uninvite my other PU who lives 5 minutes away?  No way am I putting those two next to each other if I have a choice.  I know my wedding whenever that is will be hell enough with those two going at each other about who was less horrible a PU... I know that I'm being a b*tch.  But some days I just feel like when did these two think that they are entitled to my adult life when they sure didn't think they should be involved anytime before I turned 20?  You missed your chance.