He's Sure Living Up to His Name...

I know there was a time in my life, perhaps all our lives when there was that one person who you hated on but really had a crush on. However, I think, actually I hope, we all can pass those moments in our lives rather quickly. I know I have.

The Douche is living up to his name and I actually kind of feel sorry for him. Kind of, not really, but sort of, in that dude being that full of self loathing and apathy must suck. I will say it again, I want to go back to the time when he didn't talk to me, or opt to sit beside me at lunch and then not to talk to me, but talk to everyone else. Yes dude I'm here and but you can totally speak over me, I'm cool with that.

Actually I'm not, I'm totally not okay with knowing that the only reason you've defrosted from your USSR-US relations circa 1962 is because like the USSR realized they were being abandoned. His cohort is leaving and he's stuck with us and while he is trying to make the best of it I must confess that I don't. And that sentiment has no roots in his love for Teva sandals or light wash jeans, just in Debby Downer-ness.

I might not be the perkiest, I definitely know how to be snarky. BUT that being said, those aren't the characteristics that I throw out to the world on a consistent daily basis and they are so not the characteristics I want to a person I date or would want someone to seek out in me.

But speaking of dating... no no no I'm not going to ask him out, and for that matter I'm spending time on me - yep I figured doing that comes with better guarantees rather than seeking out some lame dates.

Don't Have Anything To Say But I Have This...

X and I share a mutual love for music, of which we seem to have the same variety of love, so we share our discoveries with each other. Yesterday he posted this band to my FB wall and I thought sure I'll check them out. Well that decision led me to purchase their EP of itunes after one song (it's 6.99) and I really haven't stopped listening to it.



It is just a sample, seriously check them out.

And while you're at it Emeli Sande - if you haven't checked her out, she has a new live album which covers her first album's material and adds some new songs for the price of the first one - and she like Lake Side Dive and even potentially The Lone Bellow are better live. It's amazing - though Youtube doesn't quite convey that alas, but here it is:

If You Are Sad Consider the Following

I stumbled across the Lizzie Bennet diaries on Youtube a while ago and I might have binge watched them when I was sick... so ya. I might have a royally dysfunctional single life and an equally dysfunctional approach to said life, but these guys are cute and that is about it for now.

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

Feeling Uncomfortable

In recent months and truthfully maybe for the last few years I have been uncomfortable with my body - I have struggled deeply with a place of comfort - not a let it all go comfort but a I can deal with what I see comfort.

Years ago, during of all things an Oprah episode an older lady said if you cannot get naked and look at yourself in a mirror on a regular basis you're going to struggle with how you look with clothes on, never mind activities sans clothes. I was okay with this idea until the last year. In the last year I have for whatever reason wanted to live in a life with no mirrors. I have wanted to find a way to ignore the awkwardness I have felt.

I am aware of the deep irony of this as I have finally found myself wrestled into a place of comfort-ish-ness about where I am with life. This is not about whether I feel pretty or the fact that those words were never used in my home and still really are not.  And it is not even about whether I want or need to hear those words. I know it is deeper than that. It is a question of worth. Some how I know I'm in the middle of deep and maybe even holy wrestling with my worth.

I am trying to claim me

to claim

a body broken

by the years and

now reclaimed but handle with hands fumbling and faltering.

I wish I knew how to without wandering down paths of disordered eating and obsessive exercise like I once did, because I know that was an never achievable path with a constantly moving goal.

I am trying to come to terms with the reality that what I thought was just a suitcase of dirty laundry to sort through and clean in therapy that maybe I'm dealing with something more like the houses on Hoarders - the piles are deep and I'm ready to mine them for the good that is in there somewhere.

Sad or Scary or a little of Both

I realized today on the way to the chiropractor, as a cute boy made a b-line to sit next to me and then proceeded not to do anything, that I'm stuck. My realization really had nothing to do with him, it did however have to do with the lack of options. I often here the it will happen when you stop looking or when you least expect it - blah blah blah. I really think that's complete hogwash. But the opposite seems to be just as useless a belief. In all my searching there has been nothing. If anything I think I am coming to the realization that the man I'm looking for is not going to be found through EHarmony or any of the other incarnations. I don't know if he even exists and if he does I really am sure that it isn't going to come through the process of online dating. That being said, I have no idea what to do now - a thirty something pacifist theology graduate student with desires to adopt and have a big community house community. Everything that is well, counter cultural and I'm a challenging woman as is... this really is not going anywhere other than to say, I'm tired of the feeling that while my life has purpose and meaning and direction (more or less) that I am going to be stuck in this non dating limbo. I completely believe that I am not alone, and I love my community. I have no problem journeying forward in life and adopting kids and all that with or without a partner. But here is the rub. As much as I try and lay down the desire for a partner, as much as I can see and even at times will myself to see my future without one, the truth is I want a partner. There I said it, as brave as I try to be, I'm alone and right now I really really do not want to be.

AMEN *HANDS A'FLAILING*

I think she sums up my argument on this subject better than I can. I do not know when I started noticing bands but it was probably about the same time I started noticing the shoes a man is wearing. As a 30 something woman I really have to say I have come to the point where if you have a ring, sure I'll be a friend but I have my priorities and it isn't being the best friend of a man who has a wife.

At Present

I am doing the following and trying not to be a big baby about throwing my back out next week.

While I Normally

Use this blog as a place to post about men and dating and being single and even on occasion the annoyances of graduate school all of which I hope is in some way beneficial, but at times I wonder if there wasn't a way to share more of me while feeling safe.

Sharing while feeling safe is in many ways an antithetical statement. BUT that's a whole other issue.

My point?

I am getting serious again about therapy. I started therapy with the severe intensity that only a Type A perfectionist can muster back in 2008. I did group therapy weekly and I did one-on-one with a psychologist, bi weekly for 6 months, then switching to just the psychologist and eventually down to once a month sessions and a solid 4 years later I am at about every 3 months mostly do to finances (which sucks let me tell you to make the choice of bills over brain). I am realizing though I need to get in an muck about in the sludge that remains or remains hidden still.

And I don't really want to. After the whole MW situation I came face to face with the knowledge that my belief that things were more or less working under the surface was entirely wrong. It's not. I'm not. And while I can make that statement I am unsure if I can make the statement that I still feel broken - that I still am functioning within paradigms that are unhealthy. While I may not believe I need a man to make me feel whole (oh dear AshLee from the Bachelor get yourself to a therapist), it doesn't mean that I don't often hate myself, my body that I do not lament my life decisions, that I don't wish things were different, that I could have the courage I know I need and so on.

So, I have decided to squirrel together my meagre extra funds and sign up for Trauma Yoga Class. My heart may not want to be shovelled through with a tiny spoon, but maybe my body will be willing.

So that's where things are at - I may or may not be posting as much or the tone might change, but change isn't a bad thing now is it?

A Little Music for this Week

I might not but more than likely I will disappear for this week because I am attempting to write a big paper with basically no time between me and the deadline.

X suggested the following music to me today in our semi-regular "Hey I found this and thought of you..." banter.



Apparently she reminds him of me and I will totally take that even though I do not really see the likeness and goodness if I had her pipes ya'll would have a hard time getting me to talk and not sing my way through life.

Let Me Add

As Ms J and my patron saint-ess of awesome, Flo, has instructed us in the past - the dog days are over and we need to shake it off, and to that I add the following, which I might have had on repeat tonight and even *gasped* danced to. I figure if the dancing is not done in public it does not count and thus I would not be breaking the one very verboten rule I was raised with. If it does count, maybe my chignon and pearls can balance things out.

I Still Feel Like I Might...

Pull out what remains of the tequila - all that remains after I made pork tacos this week and cuddle up with it, I already feel like spending time near a porcelain vessel at least this way that would be justified. No, no things regarding the male gender aren't at that point, well not directly. In all the stress to write 3 papers, do an assignment and exegete a passage for a presentation, while working and realizing that all that made me vulnerable for the release of this well so rolling volcano of emotion.

I could vent that volcano that this moment but I feel that though it might be valid it also can well harden in weird places where it's hard to retract and say that's really not what I meant, I mean maybe it was what I wanted, but well damn it I am taking a little time out.

To clarify my nausea has nothing to do with a case of the babies - while everyone I know is popping out babies, that's not a possibility without a medical intervention and everything to do with stress.

I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

I Wish I Could Ask

MW and friend just left the house after a lovely evening of talking and food consumption. It was all great and quite frankly deeply platonic.  I have been racking my brain for why I feel jealous, why I feel I need him.

I settled on it with the roommate, it comes down to no boundaries. I do not want to nor can I hedge him in, I cannot even remotely expect another visit and nor do I feel comfortable asking how many women he's kissed in the last few months. I would like to for the moment believe I'm special. I mean I know I am but something about Sunday has made me feel less special rather than more special.

Well I'm going to mourn that a little and move on. Sure there are things about him that make me realize that I feel the same about him as I have all these years and yet as I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, I know that what things look like with MW are not as they are.

But in the end it is all too late to consider anything beyond my bed.

Scratch That

If you're quick on the posts you might have noticed that one has just disappeared.

Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.

I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.

The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.

So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.

My point?

Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/