A little update

I've wanted to sit down and write a post so many times and either bailed because I was tired or I had a drink or feeling overly sentimental... well tonight I might have done or be all those things but alas here I am, writing.

I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.

Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.

As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.

Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.

Not Much to Say

Things will be getting busy in the next few weeks and it will be all sorts of wonderful. In the meanwhile things are just sort of in that let's get this NLLL stuff sorted out, all the stuff I had intentions on doing but just never get around to like, buying a real sports bra.

I have an aversion to buying bras, especially sports bras. I have never particularly felt comfortable with my matching lady parts. Being the first to get them and at an age where everyone wanted to stare at them sure didn't set me up for a lot of cherishing them, nor did the events that followed after those early years. That being said I do respect them and because I do I knew I needed to suck up my negative feelings and embrace the process. The process resulted in a shocking revelation. I'm a 34 DD according to the wonderful sports bra makers. I knew that I am small structurally in my upper body, but a DD(!) that I wasn't prepared for, nor was I thrilled with the idea I could be larger, especially considering that there are not a lot of options beyond that other than specialty products. One more reason I don't know if I want to have babies, I cannot imagine trying to run after afterwards.

Well that being said, on a positive note now I can run without an additional tank to brace them - wahoo.

All sorts of info I know you wanted to know... and in light of my 3 day weekend (craziness given I haven't had more than a day off a week since the middle of April)

Men are...

a simple mystery

a complex simplicity

or something like that, because time after time they do things relationship wise and I find myself going, yep that seems about right, especially when it comes to getting into serious relationships. It seems for many (not all) that a serious relationship is the only logical step when transitioning into or out of a big life change.

Let's take RB for example - last summer he was the sort of dating and sort of like someone mumbling fool. This winter semester, the busiest one of his life and the last one for him - he decides to take on a very serious relationship with lightening speed and fierce determination. I know in many ways, since I'm not in the relationship it is not fair to say this, but looking at them (and others) I wonder if men need to have their support networks locked in before stepping into or out of a tough place.

Many of my male classmates got married in the months leading up to starting graduate school, and I know it wasn't their intention to have it sound like this but often it came across not a decision of relationship timing, like it was good for both of us, as much it was, well of course she's coming with me. Yes because you're not able to function without her? I know that's sweet for some but in some regards when I look at the single women who have packed up and moved across countries on their own, I wonder if we're either afraid and we hide it well during transitions or if some point in our conditioning or just as our society has changed we've just grown accustomed to doing things on our own.

Not that I want to rehash this but heck I did the opposite when starting graduate school, I exited a relationship knowing that I needed the space, and as much as that decision pains me at times, and it seriously does, I know that I wouldn't have felt it fair to make the choice I made to change my degree or my life path.

And in that maybe that's where men and women are different. I know that's a gross generalization, but it seems to be the events lived out - which means.... I'm going to have to find a man doing at two year degree starting in September, casually friend him and hope in a year from now when that fear of what shall I do kicks in I'll be around and poof, instant husband.

If for one second you thought I am being serious, rest assured I was/am not. Life's out there and I would like a partner but I don't need one, so no sense loitering around in the hopes of that.

I know the song doesn't relate but it still fills me with so much joy to have been apart of it.



PS - Mr. Brilliant who I do not think got added to the Blog Boys is off the market - good for him, seriously because it wouldn't have been me.

A Tiny Update

Well given it is Wednesday and I am not out, sitting awkwardly next to Mr. Brilliant hoping for a whole to open and swallow me - I can inform you that he never responded.  We'll take that for whatever that is.

And on another note no sign of DB and also a something I'm totally okay with.

Actually I realized sure I would like a boyfriend but I have such a small amount of me time that unless he wants to share my time with my Dad or the girls it is just not the time. Funny, how the older I get the less that freaks me out.

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Dating and Targets

I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.

In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.

And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.

Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.

I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"

Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.

I've been trying

Trying to write

Trying to read

Trying to rest

Trying to figure out how to bring my heart back to me ever so slowly from X. Truthfully I go through seasons where I find myself sitting with the truth that I still deeply love him. I know I'm not in love with him and it would take so many little things, that they all seem like big things to change to bring us back together, that I know it just isn't for us. But there are days when that void in my life, the one that I know doesn't define me, the one that doesn't limit me but that void that some nights and even days I would love to have filled, would be best filled by him.

So I press on, start running again, reading more, sleeping more and know that some day love may circle back, it will probably be different, who knows maybe it will be the same but right now, right now it's about me and learning to love in all the different ways I can.

Love the smell of lilacs that wafts into my room at night from the neighbours yard

Love laughter around my table, time shared with friends

Love the pages of a new book

Love the questions of little lives

Love it all

He's Sure Living Up to His Name...

I know there was a time in my life, perhaps all our lives when there was that one person who you hated on but really had a crush on. However, I think, actually I hope, we all can pass those moments in our lives rather quickly. I know I have.

The Douche is living up to his name and I actually kind of feel sorry for him. Kind of, not really, but sort of, in that dude being that full of self loathing and apathy must suck. I will say it again, I want to go back to the time when he didn't talk to me, or opt to sit beside me at lunch and then not to talk to me, but talk to everyone else. Yes dude I'm here and but you can totally speak over me, I'm cool with that.

Actually I'm not, I'm totally not okay with knowing that the only reason you've defrosted from your USSR-US relations circa 1962 is because like the USSR realized they were being abandoned. His cohort is leaving and he's stuck with us and while he is trying to make the best of it I must confess that I don't. And that sentiment has no roots in his love for Teva sandals or light wash jeans, just in Debby Downer-ness.

I might not be the perkiest, I definitely know how to be snarky. BUT that being said, those aren't the characteristics that I throw out to the world on a consistent daily basis and they are so not the characteristics I want to a person I date or would want someone to seek out in me.

But speaking of dating... no no no I'm not going to ask him out, and for that matter I'm spending time on me - yep I figured doing that comes with better guarantees rather than seeking out some lame dates.

Don't Have Anything To Say But I Have This...

X and I share a mutual love for music, of which we seem to have the same variety of love, so we share our discoveries with each other. Yesterday he posted this band to my FB wall and I thought sure I'll check them out. Well that decision led me to purchase their EP of itunes after one song (it's 6.99) and I really haven't stopped listening to it.



It is just a sample, seriously check them out.

And while you're at it Emeli Sande - if you haven't checked her out, she has a new live album which covers her first album's material and adds some new songs for the price of the first one - and she like Lake Side Dive and even potentially The Lone Bellow are better live. It's amazing - though Youtube doesn't quite convey that alas, but here it is:

If You Are Sad Consider the Following

I stumbled across the Lizzie Bennet diaries on Youtube a while ago and I might have binge watched them when I was sick... so ya. I might have a royally dysfunctional single life and an equally dysfunctional approach to said life, but these guys are cute and that is about it for now.

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

Feeling Uncomfortable

In recent months and truthfully maybe for the last few years I have been uncomfortable with my body - I have struggled deeply with a place of comfort - not a let it all go comfort but a I can deal with what I see comfort.

Years ago, during of all things an Oprah episode an older lady said if you cannot get naked and look at yourself in a mirror on a regular basis you're going to struggle with how you look with clothes on, never mind activities sans clothes. I was okay with this idea until the last year. In the last year I have for whatever reason wanted to live in a life with no mirrors. I have wanted to find a way to ignore the awkwardness I have felt.

I am aware of the deep irony of this as I have finally found myself wrestled into a place of comfort-ish-ness about where I am with life. This is not about whether I feel pretty or the fact that those words were never used in my home and still really are not.  And it is not even about whether I want or need to hear those words. I know it is deeper than that. It is a question of worth. Some how I know I'm in the middle of deep and maybe even holy wrestling with my worth.

I am trying to claim me

to claim

a body broken

by the years and

now reclaimed but handle with hands fumbling and faltering.

I wish I knew how to without wandering down paths of disordered eating and obsessive exercise like I once did, because I know that was an never achievable path with a constantly moving goal.

I am trying to come to terms with the reality that what I thought was just a suitcase of dirty laundry to sort through and clean in therapy that maybe I'm dealing with something more like the houses on Hoarders - the piles are deep and I'm ready to mine them for the good that is in there somewhere.

Sad or Scary or a little of Both

I realized today on the way to the chiropractor, as a cute boy made a b-line to sit next to me and then proceeded not to do anything, that I'm stuck. My realization really had nothing to do with him, it did however have to do with the lack of options. I often here the it will happen when you stop looking or when you least expect it - blah blah blah. I really think that's complete hogwash. But the opposite seems to be just as useless a belief. In all my searching there has been nothing. If anything I think I am coming to the realization that the man I'm looking for is not going to be found through EHarmony or any of the other incarnations. I don't know if he even exists and if he does I really am sure that it isn't going to come through the process of online dating. That being said, I have no idea what to do now - a thirty something pacifist theology graduate student with desires to adopt and have a big community house community. Everything that is well, counter cultural and I'm a challenging woman as is... this really is not going anywhere other than to say, I'm tired of the feeling that while my life has purpose and meaning and direction (more or less) that I am going to be stuck in this non dating limbo. I completely believe that I am not alone, and I love my community. I have no problem journeying forward in life and adopting kids and all that with or without a partner. But here is the rub. As much as I try and lay down the desire for a partner, as much as I can see and even at times will myself to see my future without one, the truth is I want a partner. There I said it, as brave as I try to be, I'm alone and right now I really really do not want to be.

AMEN *HANDS A'FLAILING*

I think she sums up my argument on this subject better than I can. I do not know when I started noticing bands but it was probably about the same time I started noticing the shoes a man is wearing. As a 30 something woman I really have to say I have come to the point where if you have a ring, sure I'll be a friend but I have my priorities and it isn't being the best friend of a man who has a wife.

At Present

I am doing the following and trying not to be a big baby about throwing my back out next week.