Some like it hot...

I however don't. This city lacks the necessary vents and I lack the necessary cleavage and blond hair to pull it all off (yes even though it was the Seven Year Itch work with me here). It's hotter than sin outside, and inside colder than well anyways. Things are also heating up and cooling off in the most unfortunate ways out in the world of men too. BV messaged me while he was away to find out how I am, and AB while also out of town, and now returned, is well colder than ever... likely for the best, on the AB side of things. BV just makes me mad, which is some respects makes the whole thing hot, but the wrong kind of hot under the collar... fooey.

But in honor of all the hotness, I have recalled a time many moons ago when I took to the rails from Texas in August to the land I live in and along the way met someone who in the moment I wondered if fate was wholly diseased and mentally ill for matching me with for all of a heart beat. Those rulers of the rails state that you must all share tables, and I happened to sit next to someone who for all I could tell was my destiny. Tall, not dark but handsome, fluent in a Cyrillic language and a traveller and had knowledge of of the Motherland, never mind other educational pursuits... nameless, and basically faceless. The embodiment of fate sat next to me and ate an omelet while I had oatmeal. Some days in the heat of the summer I wonder, wonder whether fate has left me be, arranged something, or if all this is just a whole lot of slogging through, giving up and giving in, and all that just to find someone to snog for life - and yes I know that's not all you commit to, but right now I'm willing to ignore the years of smelly running clothes and a love for anime. Maybe we can give fate another kick at it this weekend - I'm off to travel the same rails, but via road this time.

Where are the Fireworks?

Well that title was courtesy of CW... but the blog is courtesy of P&P and my new found love for Mr. Darcy. He is one man we can name in this arena of schmaltzy insanity. Where is my Mr. Darcy? Where is whatever it is that I keep waiting for? Sure BV causes my internal organs to go awry, but he also makes me just well livid, I don't think that is the way it should be. As for AB, here is a poor soul who has been so damn dissected, if he only knew. From his arrival at the birthday party - the second time we'd met to the weekly meeting for the last two months, to the texting while he's been out of the city and damn it to be honest I miss him... (groan). In the end I think to be honest, we (AB and I) are two people who may want something but also are two people who aren't there yet in either heart or mind and in the end even if that is a grand generalization for him, I know that is very much the case for me, I just can't yet open that up to the possibility of nothing happening, guarded seems to be a better idea, though that might be a fatal belief in the end...

Photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/cameraslayer/721257509/

Bleck

So we had an estrogen pow-wow last night and figured out that BV is now officially removed from the running, the energy needed to bring him up to speed with AB seems to have fizzled. It is wholly frustrating though as I discovered this morning as I as flipping through a mutual friends FB photos, BV was everywhere and it made me surprisingly angry/hurt/frustrated - that blob of female emotion we often get... maybe when all is said and done I had the hope that he was something different than what became apparent, crushed expectations, that's that feeling.

Regardless I had tonnes of fun last night and will be doing the same for the next few nights... got to get out and have a life, no? Maybe we'll find the next contestant for the show...

Is it a possibility?

Thanks Victoria (Advice from a Single Girl)

So it's unrelated but yet it's not - we all need to know there are beautiful things around this - and this is one of those things

Thanks Gib!

So we have a new commenter - who directed me to Carolyn Hax who had this to say:

You want to bring home just the right person at the lowest possible emotional price, and that takes patience. Patience comes from a sense of peace with the way you're living your life, with mate or without -- and that kind of peace is the result of a dynamic awareness of what suits you best and why.

Quite simply, Amen... so thus why I'm socializing minus BV while AB is away... I am hoping to start detox myself from both of them... we will see how that goes

Aww Hell No

Of all things, I have found myself in the awkward pseudo GF role, okay so I was fine when it was just AB and I doing things, or a large group, but we've been socially paired off as of late and I'm about to smack my head against a wall until this is all over... Like last night, he's going out of town and had some "friends" (two other guys + his roommate) over for dinner before he left for a while today, and ya AWKWARD... For the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo Blahniks how did we get here... really aren't we breaking some kind of social etiquette? To be honest I'm starting to feel like a cad myself, seeing BV who I know is actually interested and spending time with AB with whom I'm developing the relationship in mid sentence if you want call it that...

That's it, I've had enough. I know that I will likely have to keep repeating that over and over and over again to myself. Because at the end of all this I feel like my brain is rotting and I'm being reduced to something other than myself somehow unbeknownst to me

Oooo Yummy!

Apparently Everyone Does Look Fab In a Strapless Dress...

Oh fashion and life and all that... so while I have pretty much decided that I want neither of my options and I've been yelling a big NEXT to the cosmos, I don't know what that has in store, but my weekend, because I'm a little giggly about it.

So we all need those pick me ups - those moments when someone made you feel smoking, melt a hole in the asphalt hot. Well I had 11/2 of those moments on Saturday. So I sleep 13 hour on Friday/Saturday - from all the freaking sleep debt, so I hauled myself to the not sufficiently air conditioned land of my other desire other than shoes...in my cute pink strapless dress... so while there was nothing to be found other than stacks dust earlier in the day, my suffering paid off... while I was on the bus my chauffeured vehicle, a hottie with an amazing camera got on, so the hottie was one thing, the $1000 + camera with the fancy lens, well I guess I was looking a little too longingly at the camera... but anyways as I got up to let someone sit on the crowded bus I noticed camera boy fiddling with his camera - and well a quick convo ensued and I got my photo taken... normally I would have been like ewww, violation, you do it to all the girls, and he likely does but HELL, I can be one of the girls if he's going to use that camera... anyways...

And the 1/2? Well I was buying my week's supply of potato beverage and I got ID'd, now the legal drinking age is currently *cough*8 years*cough* younger than my current age, give or take a few years... and I have to say that the Botox, Olay and Neutrogenia that are being scrubbed, pumped and slapped on this visage are apparently working, or he was distracted by my decolletage... apparently those look young too according to TBF's mother who's in the industry... gee thanks.

It Was Better...

I decided against my better judgement to give BV a mercy date, a second shot since according to Ms. J I come undone at the discussion of BV.

So, BV called up this week and yadda yadda keep up with the posts now, so we arranged to have dinner last night at a restaurant I've been to a few times and knew it was a quality place to eat - casual, yet nice. Now I have to admit that for some bizarre unknown to me reason, and to be honest wholly frustrating too but BV makes me lose my brain, act like an idiot, need help getting dressed and in general cause my digestive tract to do something horrible to me and yet I can't say I know why because well he's not crazy smart really, not politically or literally savy, he's not particularly driven, not a planner - and yet for some reason unknown to me I have come unhinged, well to a certain extent - my brain isn't really having any part in this - which I don't know what to do, really shit, anyways this whole date business.

So after a full dinner - ahi tuna and desert (chocolate gelato) we decided to do for a walk down the street where I got hit on, bwahaha, k so I know I'm not suppose to laugh, but hell, it was such the random hit on EVER and I could tell that BV died a little - and ya well that made it all the more funny... still laughing actually about it. We did the loop through the neighborhood, admired the Craftsman style houses, walked past my wedding venue (NO I did not tell him that), and then looped back, because I found out BV had driven. Here I was thinking he had bussed... anyways so the boy drove, and I live within walkingish distance -a walk for me - and I got offered no ride home. Now I have a complex about asking for rides, I've learned I guess being a non-driver to just expect to fend for myself unless it is offered. Well BV did not offer - hmm, so instead we talked until the bus stopped at the light and then we full stopped convo and averted eye contact, me because I was like ah hell no, this is not where anything like that is going to go down, not at like one of the busiest intersections in the city. So hell at least I got a decent hug. And that's where it ended - equal in all respects... 3rd date?

It just seems appropriate - better go and get your armour...

Research

So while I've had technically second dates with everyone on the S&P roll, minus NN because that wasn't a date* and OM because that was purely a babymomma interview... I've somehow managed to endear myself despite supposedly breaking just about every freaking rule/advice recommend, however I have to say that it made sense... sure it was common sense in many ways, but it also highlighted things I would never have considered like the following - now whether I am going to change is another issue, the book recommends:

1. No thank-you texts/email, ie. I had a great time tonight... apparently that is overkill, either you voice that when the date is over, or no, no fishing for another contact, the implication being every email or text in polite society should be returned/acknowledged, and if he doesn't want to, you are trapping him in the whole being rude/shitty person bubble if he doesn't want to talk to you again... something like that

2. Keep ALL issues to yourself - from I don't drink dairy because I'm lactose intolerant, to whether you are a vegetarian/vegan (I guess you covertly order...?) to chronic illness, despite being healthy, like Crohn's, Diabetes etc, or even relational issues, like my mom had cancer to the bigger ones like I have kids, I'm divorced, I had a CEF etc... sure some of those are really good things to leave off the table and others... well...

3. Understand that you (women) first date for personality (sure looks are in there a little) and second for looks and all that - once it's accessed that they are normal, and men do the opposite, first date for looks and then second date for personality/spark/chemistry sake

Of course the entire book isn't just about us, it's about them too - one of the biggest ones, is making a comment on a woman's looks, I have to say, that while granted I am definitely hyper-sensitive about this, the minute I hear someone say you're hot (it's happened twice surprisingly) it makes my skin crawl, it reminds me that I am being assessed on how I look, sure I know it's happening I guess I just don't need to be reminded that you are glaring at my chest, or scanning my ass when I walk... Comment on a specific thing - I like your: earrings, the dress, shoes (!), your fragrance it/they are ______. Simple for example: I like your dress, the color is unique. Yes okay that's a shitty sentence, but hell, it isn't a killer, if she loves the dress she'll tell you she got it at some quirky shop etc...

Concoct Me a Potion Would You Please?

One for my exhaustion and then one for the boy who keeps weaseling himself into my heart and I hate it, I hate it, I've had it with AB, I know he's just purely charming, a wonderful guy and all that... but he's not that, and I know he's just not that into this, me, whatever all this is, even though AR refers to him as my pseudo boyfriend, and I am finding we are getting looks left and right from various friends - oh well. That is just that - he is my cookie baking, night night sleep tight person and that is just it - safe, secure and wholly frustrating, as it should be, no?

So that being said, while I could ask for potions, notions and other wonderful things, my question is can you just be friends? In the world of men and women, how does this friendship thing work. NN has a bestest who I even asked why the hell they hadn't, and he said she was like a sister, hmm, so is that what happens, you get relegated to sister status or you're snoggable? Given that the claim is that all men think about is snogging and all that is beyond that, riddle me this, why do they want female friends?

So it's been posted before, but hey I still love it, thanks AR....

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/martal/1373968075/

Don't Shoot Me

But I have a date with BV this weekend Thursday *turns and winces.* Goodness we know it's all bad every little bit of it, but hell a night out learning to get through this process when I don't care one pittance about the whole thing, sounds like fun no? Actually let's just say I get some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of how odd and uncomfortable this whole thing can be - like how much I can torture him, and what it is going to take for a decent hug - likely I'll just casually ambush him...I know karma and all that - but hell, I think we call this pass back from the OM incident...

Little side note I had a moment when I texted BV back this morning - I missed his call last night at 9, comatose in dream land or something like that... I double checked the name... yikes! That I can't tell you how many times I've typed out OM's name and then had to quickly edited out after it's been published...

May I Direct Your Attention to:

Advice from A Single Girl, our lady over wherever she is, supposedly an island, though do we really know these days. Victoria covers all the deep philosophical messes I don't even want to begin to try and fish out of my brain these days - like cheating, is cuddling worth it?, the endless brainage that happens once we like a guy and so on and so forth... so lucky readers I say check her out.

Things You Discuss When It Doesn't Matter What the Hell They Think

NN and I had some interesting discussions because we both knew that it didn't matter what the other really thought of us, because what the hell really we swapped averted wedding stories, the issues between men and women and why things are so ass backwards these days, where we see ourselves, children or no children and all those lovely things. In the end we found ourselves on the whole what does your list look like? Yes that list - we all have one more or less and his was surprisingly simple and yet it accurately summed things up - love me, love you and love God,* I was surprised, it worked, it encompassed so much accurately, and yet, in the end it was funny. I often have Ms. J's words rolling around in my head, actually everyone's words find themselves rolling through my cranial cavities for whatever duration or frequency of time deemed appropriate. Ms. J recently said what do you have in common with AB, really what do you have in common? So with all that jumbled, all this dating* and non-dating has really only be solidifying what I'm not looking for, but what do I need?

I need someone who understands that despite how flaky it sounds - a 9 to 5 job or whatever variation of that is not the way I can live my life, I have to write -the whole it keeps the ravenous dogs caged business, and holistic is important, I also really am understanding how important it is to be present in your life, in your marriage and in your kids life, doing the whole crazy superwoman shit isn't for me - I know I am totally willing to give my feminist card back for saying that. I don't have a huge need to travel or any of that - I would like to have a relatively similar life to the one I have now, socially conscious, community based, challenging to my apathy and ideally involving a little more sleep. So that means that BV once again is out of the picture - dude just hasn't got it, NN would have been good but anyway we need not beat that one, and AB? Well AB has it all and yet doesn't have the one fundamental issue in that trifecta, and no it's not the issue of I loving him and he me business that is sooo not even on the page, it's that faith business. AB could careless to which BI I am sure is raising an eyebrow. This is the very issue that I skirted around with NN, basically I am at the point where there is shit for choices within that community - OM and BV being perfect examples and NN being an indicator that I'm not quite faithful enough, so ya, I'm shit out of luck these days it seems. That list is not going to get filled anytime whether they were non-negotiable or not at one point... the times are a changing folks and I for one don't appreciate the signs of the times.

*this could represent any gods, God or concept of spirituality

So This DTR we've been talking about endlessly

I figure I might as well give it some theoretical consideration no? In the sense of what really needs to be said?

Hi AB (or more appropriately his actual name), given that we've been spending more time together, I felt that there needs to be some form of clarification on the dynamics of our relationship. Basically I'm "dating" others, but basically the only person I want to date is you and I figured you should know that because while I would like that to be the case I'm not going to wait around biding my time to find out you have no interest in me.

Thanks, S&P

Short and sweet no? Though I have to say one again I feel like this is all wholly unnecessary. As it's been 2 days since we've had contact and the next event is a group movie activity, I don't see myself as near the top of his list of important people...

So about NN

Well it is safe to say that NN though an amazing guy, finally a good quality one, the kind we've been in hot pursuit of finding is well not the guy for me and thankfully he was clear enough with his actions, intent and all that for it be reassuring to me that the same was the case. NN and I sure have a lot in common and in many ways could work together, could be great, but in the end I'm happy to leave him be where he is and let some other journey weary girl find him. We can hope I turned a corner in this whole process, getting better options and all the while feeling better about the process that you just keep looking. I don't know if there is any other way to go about it, just keep looking and maybe one day there will be someone who works. I have to reiterate that BV is definitely not it, to the point where with a side by side comparison to his roughly equal he just pales in comparison. So that leaves us with AB the dark horse. Hmm, suddenly the island got very very small, and maybe even smaller if I do have the DTR talk, despite feeling that as every day goes forward, I have my answer...

So while the music doesn't quite correlate, I like the song, so there.

Wordle...

Apparently Wordle thinks that NN is some hot __ on this blog, because he got the big letters - but there you have it folks in squinty small letters the vocabularly insights of this here blog.

Somedays I wish I could deny my heritage

And just slap a boy or two into their senses. AB and BV are either close to 30 or older than and while I will give grace to AB who has in fact had a long long term relationship, BV has not. Both are acting the fool as I've heard it said around here, and I for one some days can't stand it. But hey, maybe I don't have to deny my pacifist upbringing, I can maintain my passive aggressive nature and see what NN has to offer me in the way of contacts and so on and so forth. Now I guess this where I am suppose to introduce NN. I met NN in my second year of school - NN was dating a friend of mine, and I was dating their friend - we were like a small happy inbred family sort of set up as only small departments can produce. NN and said friend went sour in a big way, the kind of I switch your distilled water for ether kind of sour... and I heard it ALL from her side, to the point where I couldn't look NN in the eyes for years. Well now that years have past and I know that we all see things uniquely, I figure what the hell might as well get to know NN. Note NN is not a dating person - it's not like he's sloppy seconds or anything like that it, it's just um no, it's too weird given the history of everything, it's not that he isn't cute, and it sure isn't because he isn't fit, funny or very educated (read PhD), it's just that isn't something I am prepared to touch with a 50m pole. HOWEVER, NN has some really quality friends, and hey given that he's a neighbour will be a good cross contact for both myself and Ms. J - yes honey I am also doing all this crazy shit for you too, I figure we can both increase our social circles - divide the labour and eventually we both win - no? Anywho's there is my mental burp for today.

Let's All Welcome:

NNBFMCD - New Neighbour Boy From My Chemistry Days, future reference as NN. NN and I will be having brunch sometime this weekend - so there we have it, another member to the group/game/mess. So much a mess - that I am scheduling my life for the next two months. Yes I have a date calender now - good gracious... yep so updates to come.

I should be crunching something now

Whether that be numbers or my abdominals, I'll leave that to you to determine. N and I were talking about what has now become a take no prisoners, but practice covert operations regarding a few, "just in case" types, of dating policy. It sounds bitchy, it sounds cold, but there is a fine line of understanding, that while friends in a social sense are great - they are the reason I have blogging material now, they aren't what the goal is ultimately here. The goal is try and find someone compatible to get to know better and then see what happens. N and I have gotten past the broken heart crying stage for the moment, I'm conscious that it is very likely to occur on some level with AB, if I am reading the situation correctly someone else is going to be sending time occupying the position I've been holding on park benches, beach walks, social functions and movie nights... and well that is going to stink, but if it happens - I am going to go for a run, then crack open a pint of Hagan Daaz and eat it while in a big bubble bath while listening to Celine, it will be for the night and that will be that... onwards after that... I guess I've realized like so many before me that it just a numbers game, eventually you find the right fit, and before that it's just a journey - full of all sorts of crazy moments, laughter, yes tears, but in the end I guess that's the ying and yang - I can be picky, but I might as throw the next discriminately wide and see what I get.

3 Blogs in One Day Means S&P has better things to do

But can't figure out how to get her brain to work on the important issues, like world peace, seriously that's on the agenda. So as part of that mission, I need to put some of the worriers out their at ease, V had questions and here are the answers:

1. No I have not had the talk with AB for whatever reasons I am holding out having the talk, be them purely being scared shitless to or just letting whatever happen happen, because hell if I have been successful at throwing the multitude of signals out there, and getting nothing in return, that's likely because well there is nothing one way or another, however you look at it, or ya anyways... a girl can still hold onto a sliver of hope that that isn't the case, and the DTR sure is going to squelch that sliver...

2. Why give BV false hope? Because I believe the world needs me to, or so I plan on convincing myself, and who knows maybe he'll surprise the hell out of me - while I doubt it, we all can learn something no? So torture or teach (not that I have much more to give than my year or so in the best therapy I can't really afford) that is what is going to be happening. In the end he is the curious combo of great on paper and shitty in real life - the opposite to AB, who is great in person and on paper, well that's where things get dicey.

3. Vote - New person onto the island, someone anyone, is there a new cast away and preferably not someones recent cast off available? I can handle three, no?

Found It!

Sure it's pop, and fluffy through and through, but hey it's summer and my brain is melting under the heat and stress...

Well Well Well

I have to admit I sat down over an hour ago at my desk to but I keep getting distracted with my hunt for this song I heard on the radio yesterday that sounds so much like Ms. Aguilera but it isn't, so hmm anyways I did find these lovely how to videos on YouTube, so Ms. J no worries, we can start covertly sending these to BV and AB and maybe just maybe things will start working out:


Especially for AB who was getting all the green light signals a girl can give for the last few evenings out, oh well I think that means I'm getting the red light, no? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r87ohPQenso

And the Gold Star Goes to BV!

Yes BV has come out swinging with another out of the blue contact, and all while I have been fussing about the whole DTR with AB. So being that I haven't played this game before but I know how it works courtesy of all the years I watched Sammy play the boys on Days of Our Lives (imagine that with the announcer voice would you please)... so I know that AB can know about BV, but BV given his fragile, yet chutzpah rich state needs to be watered, babied and then broken in ever so carefully. So what does that look like, well dear reader, that means that I turned BV down for the late night comedy show tomorrow night - it is far too late for this beauty queen to be out given my time of awaking - maybe for AB I'll walk into the darkness of the late night sunsetish and stay out until the carriages stop moving, but I will not for a seedy area comedy show, and a comedy show, err, didn't we already go down the awkward comedy route with the Hangover. But given that the first date was horribly shitty, yes it reeked and I wouldn't have given him a second chance, but a boy who can get the guts to call, and make me do the who equally shitty smiling business deserves a little mercy. Not a lot, but a little, just like the little we afford ourselves with our work clothes, a little stretch can go along way.

So AB while we might be muggles together next week, I think you'd better start searching for something to conger up if you intend on winning this race, or even the next round for starters. It is about to get a whole hell of a lot interesting, no?

Of All The Things

Swirling around in my head, the biggest one is do I really have to? Not in like do I really have to work today, because honestly I don't, not because I worked all last week or that my staff aren't here and I'm stuck doing their jobs or that I just feel bitchy today and answering the phones prior to a full moon is going to leave me at my wits end... not quite the primary issue. Sure I even have issues about trying to tie up the lose ends and prevent any possibility of AB finding the blog and so on and so forth, since Ms. J actually has me worried about that now, considering BI found me (but then again I don't think that's ever been a problem for you - hunting me down).

No the grand issue of the day, of the next few days until it gets vetoed or intentionally forgotten is this: Ms. J believes the grand time has come for the DTR discussion with AB. Really? That strikes a serious fear into me, I mean you pull out that shit and they bolt and then what? I mean I guess I really like AB, goodness me, what kind of a hole am I in now? Apparently a once a week activity (since the first week of June) involving one or more of the following: sharing a food item, having dinner together, watching a movie together, long walks and going to social engagements together amongst other things small is pushing the limits? I guess. Because if we look at it this way, add the gushy hand holding and all that, and you get a dating couple. But there lies that line in the concrete - that hasn't happened and so as far as I'm concerned we can leave things here. However, the downside is this, let's be honest I have more chance of owning a pair of Louboutin's in my lifetime than AB deciding to DTR things... so let's confirm this back and forth Gemini moment we've had here-Am I wasting my time, my one + night(s) a week or what have you? And should there be a DTR or move the hell away from it all?

Epilogue-ish:

Why are ex's important - like CEF is as good as never existed for me but apparently he's a freaking issue for AB and BV, especially AB, why the hell do you need to know the details? And secondly I think my wardrobe has bad juju - seriously I wore the exact same outfit for BV and AB and the same but different for AB and OM and both no goes... shit really to it ALL...

I am going to hit my head on a my desk a little while and visit the liquor store tonight - who needs food really, when times are like these and they shouldn't - that horrible horoscope dribble says the planets, stars and their paychecks are all cashed and my future is apparently rosy...

Soo

AR thinks I'm horribly devious under this Suzy Homemaker facade, and well let's be honest, I am - there is really nothing scarier than a woman who has nothing to lose, and nothing at this point to gain, other than maybe knowing that someone, (cough) BV (cough) will learn something. So being devious, I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies, shoved my debutant hat my bag, slapped on the SPF 60+ and hustled off to the beach to meet BV and AB (yes both - I invited AB, knowing BV was present at Miss 50's beach bash). Well AB got some quizzical looks from Miss 50's for showing with me, but not WITH me, and BV influenced by contraband beverages and the sun seemed to be awkward. Maybe I'm horrible, but seeing an awkward guy squirm in the fall out of his errors works for me, almost better than a new pair of shoes. And so AB stuck around for a while while the group left, and then departed to catch up with them... so now AB has been passed past everyone and honestly I feel horribly weird about the whole process... in the sense that I think I'm still not there emotionally, I don't trust myself with making those decisions, and knowing that part of making those decisions is wholly opening yourself to the pain of rejection. So on the heels of that wonderfully insightful blurb, I have this to say, I will see AB at Ms. J's and beyond that I plan on poking BV for a movie date* to see if I can make him articulate his disinterest or interest... we will see. Oh and the blue dress will be making an appearance again...