Thinking too Much

I am just getting up to speed on my 1500 page a week average an now it seems to be slowly being derailed. I feel torn - I want to do a PhD in English Literature, but I'm realizing that maybe that's just not where I really need to be... it's a really long story but well I'm just muling things over so there isn't a lot I can say at the moment about that or anything else. So I offer this quote from the assistant conductor of our local Chamber Choir - he gave a guest lecture in my culture class on music today.

"Beauty is a terrible and awful thing! It is terrible because it has not been fathomed, for God sets us nothing but riddles. Here the boundaries meet and all contradictions exist side by side." Dostoevsky

Well That Is a New Way to Ensure I'll Never Date You

I had a run scheduled with two guys from one of my classes - both are marathoners - both are also children (even worse one is married and a child).  Only one of them had my number and I had neither of their numbers.  So of course I went on time and got to our assigned meeting place in the pouring January rain aka freezing rain... no boys.

It turns out that the one who had my number called - yes he did but he did while I was on the other line with my dad, after I was on the bus down-town - and he didn't leave a message or text me. I'm sorry but if you're going to cancel 15 minutes before the assigned time - you DAMN WELL better leave a NLLL message! So in the end my Dad and I met, ran and all this cancelling business I just found out now.  The boy who had my number is sweet but DUDE you in that one moment just got your ass seriously crossed off the list, like Sharpie over it and then cut it out of the list got taken off.  You do not, I repeat you do not EVER do that.

On the theme of rain -

Living on the Other Side of the Line

For all intensive purposes I am currently living below the poverty line.  I knew I would be when I started graduate school.  I knew that things would be tight, at times very tight.  I did not expect that they would be this tight.  I had to contact my church this week to ask for help - after almost two months of wrestling with the idea, knowing that despite how ridiculously tight things are right now, that there are always those who need more than I do.  I have a home right?  I have heat (well sort of - my landlord is stingy in that regard), I have some resemblance of health and more importantly I'm the only mouth to feed. Well in asking for help I'm realizing how socially shameful it is to be on this side of the line - regardless of how you get here. There are strings, lots of strings, and questions and judgements.  All I conceptually understand are well meaning, but they hurt.  They hurt a lot. They imply - they imply that I should have known better.

I guess this is also me venting at God too - I know I try to keep my faith out of this blog - but I guess in all this hurt, is the question of where is the provision? And if this is the provision why does it hurt, why does it come with shame and guilt attached to it?  Isn't that counter to everything that is who you are?  Funny somewhere in this I know there is an answer - just feels beyond reach at the moment.

This is not a hand out moment but may be a moment to remember that when you judge a person on the other side of that poverty line - the world on this side is full of enough hardship without that and for better or worse I now know that first hand.

Wear and Tear

My room-mate and I were having a discussion about younger men this past weekend.  I have been trying to get my head around the idea of dating someone younger for two reasons.  One because I think someone completely sweet is interested in me.  I think he's nice and I because I think he's nice I might on the off chance that there could be something more consider a date.  If he asked - at this rate he is definitely moving at a snails pace.  And who knows maybe the idea of dating someone 4 years older is a little bit of an issue for him - aside from him being smaller than me in every way.  That issue aside - in a general sense I know there are some really good catches at school they're just all in the 4-8 years younger range.  If you're wondering why the gap - there are a lot of new straight from their undergraduate people and then there are the rest of us near or over thirty who have worked or done other degrees - I having done both.   At the end of the conversation, my room-mate and I agreed that the age isn't so much of an issue and the life experience.  I want a man with a little wear and tear in his life, especially on his heart and soul.  I think your twenties are the time you bash yourself around a little bit, you figure out first hand why you believe something, why you love and even more generally what you love.  And while I don't think there is anything wrong with young people getting married - they normally do the experiencing together or they're completely oblivious to it.  But as someone well beyond that, I am very aware of what my decade-ish difference in experience has provided me with.

So bottom line - as cute as that 22 year old is, as charming as he might be - I cannot in good conscience even consider it knowing in the back of my brain, I'll be thinking of how many miles I've put into life, when he's still in many ways still just figuring out the basics of momentum.

How Desperate Are You?

I am beginning to think the relationship game is really fuelled by desperation. More specifically our male peers have settled on the belief that the woman they need to settle with is a woman they can live with and she cannot live without them.  That is not relationship - that's a recipe for infidelity, jealously and bitterness. 

Who are we kidding?  Why do we let ourselves get into this game?  We all know in the end he never stays with us and always goes back or on to that kind of woman.  I want a man who thinks I'm beyond him.  Not in the sense that he thinks I am too good for him - but I think our partners in life, should have the same qualities as our best friendships.  Note I did not say they should be our best friend - I think that is a bizarre idea - marrying your bff.  If that was the goal - Ms. J and I would have shacked up a long time ago - but we haven't because love is not like that - it's not the stuff of bf friendships - though yes it has some of the qualities.  One such quality is admiration/awe/challenge for example Ms. J and well JS and N too - are kick ass, take no prisoners women in their own rights.  I love that in a man - a sense of I know who I am, I know what is awesome and I am going to pursue that - because more often than not - it is completely unlike what I want or feel comfortable with.

Take X for example - he sings and plays music, he speaks other languages - he has this something, I don't know what it is, that despite his worries and insecurities he keeps going and he pushes those around him on to that in his own way.   I think one of the best qualities of a man is having a no-one left behind philosophy about something/someone(s).  A man who can actively in one way or another uplift the people around him - that is a man who has my attention - that is unique - that is a diamond.

I have spent some time in this last little while especially after the quick bitter sampling of DirectoryBoy to know that my next year and a half of graduate school is not about dating - but rather it is about something more.  Oddly it's about seeing what I do want and what I don't want - and that is best done by watching.  And while I'm keeping my eye on the goings on - I'm going to be researching PhD programs - which it seems is going to be ridiculously hard given the area of interest I have - my masters thesis is going to have to be kick ass for me to find the right someone. But I'm ready. The only thing I'm desperate for is a future I feel compelled to be in.

There Is Some Tom Foolery Happening a Few Time Zones Over

Okay so I have decided to leave Directory Boy alone for one reason and one reason alone - he's sneaking around.  His main harem lady has been posting and deleting FB statuses from his home town - and now I know that sounds like I'm stalking - I'm seriously not - this is the one time the FB feed is doing the hard work for me.  I was not particularly surprised to see she had gone home with him since her family is far far away and he has a big clan so why not collect up a hot lost soul during the Christmas break, BUT deleting your FB and playing coy when the discussion of where you are is coming up as we're all trying to come up with NYE plans (I've since decided to stay home or make some money).  Sorry but we're adults - every last one of us signed up for that when we left high school - and these too both have professional degrees to boot.  So what's with the sneaky sneaky?  I mean when you're attached at the hip in class and everyone already thinks you're dating wouldn't you - one clear the air or two just make it public get a cute picture of the two of you walking the dog - I mean you felt you could say that on FB for all of 5 minutes, so who has the cold feet?

Either he is being a tool and being all coy or he is a fool and she's playing him for all she can get - which if we're being honest here ain't much - there are no benefits to be had unless these two are looking for a quick exit from the program - never mind from what he is hunting for via his FB messages to me - I know he likely considers me the loose and wild kind of woman - you can stop snickering JS at the idea of me being a wild/loose woman. I didn't say the boy was sane, just that he's hot.

Oh one more note before I lay this to rest - I did a little Googling on the DirectoryBoy seems he's pretty settled where he was before - which actually in and of itself completely crosses him off the list - I am not going through any long distance business again - X was worth it, this guy is not.

Harems

After meeting with JS last weekend to catch up, I decided that I needed to add Delivery Boy's main groupie.  It's funny adding people on FB who in "real life" will not acknowledge you - I frankly do not understand it.   After a group study event last night I realized that Delivery Boy has more than just one very protective groupie, he has a harem, or maybe more accurately a protection detail, because as much as they dote on him they're vicious to any "outside female."  Now let's review - we are all adults, this is not high school.  So going and getting your knickers in a knot if I talk to a man who is not yours -and quite frankly even if he was, it shouldn't mean that he is no longer permitted to be civil to his female peers.


So let's review here shall we - Directory Boy is a 32 y.o. man with a good education and he yet he's got a harem going on - it makes me seriously wonder about his security level - there is something going on.  I don't know what it is right now - I will keep you up to date.  Now to finish my paper.

Love Me For Me

Directory boy and I have still been messaging - but every time I send a message,  I remember that this song reflects my life - there are those who stay and there are those who run.   And while I have been very intentional in keeping my personal story for face to face conversation.   I am reminded that X loves me regardless of me and my story- and I know that if we aren't meant to be in the grand scheme of things, the thing I question more than all that is if I am prepared to go through the process again of walking someone through loving me.  I almost feel like instead of this blog I need to start writing a book on how to love someone who has been broken by life. All our stories are unique but there are definitely some days where I just want to say to everyone - man and woman - yes I have dark uglies in my life, but they have names (abuse, rape, mental illness) and they know their place (submission - they don't control my life) - so what's it to you - why does it mean you can't like me or love me?  All of the things that have broken me did not happen to you - they are not yours to carry - so if you liked me or loved me before you knew why have you stopped?

I may just have found my book topic after all these years - wow was not expecting to stumble across it while studying for my OT final - I wonder if that means I need to give my prof credit.

First Semester of Graduate School Finals Have Arrived...

So while I'm away frying the last of what remains still functional in my brain I leave you with the following.  A little background - our TA's for one of my classes in an attempt to remind us that while the end is nigh and it's not nice, we still need to laugh.  In their words - sometimes you've just got to be like the monkey.  In considering it further I don't know if that's a great word of encouragement or not - but the video makes me laugh - so maybe it all just comes out even in the end.

Sweet Mother of Baby Jebus

Directory Boy it turns out is my Mr. Perfect on Paper in flesh.  Now before y'all get upset - let me explain. Back in high school and well my undergrad - I had this mental list of MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT (squeeee!!) - the man of my dreams if I could assemble him, who quite frankly for everyone's sake, especially mine, should never become flesh.  Last night I found out that Directory Boy was/is my list man - kind of makes him unattractive now.

Hold up! Say what?!

Well here is the thing - aside from the apparent sureness of him being off the market - I don't know if I can wrap my brain around there being that person - because it comes with baggage.  The kind labelled with false expectations.  All the perfect ginger doctor hair in the world will never actually be perfect.   I am aware this all sort of sounds like a mash up of bipolar and pessimistic rantings - but such as they are - it is not to say that when I went to sleep last night I wasn't giggling.  I was, about how this is not what I expected - kind of funny wishing you could have a chat with your younger self and wondering if the list could have been longer or weirder just to avoid this moment - who would have thought -MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT wouldn't be so perfect in reality. 

Two Weeks Left

I have two weeks left in my first semester at graduate school  and so I've decided to shelve Directory Boy.  See I have two problems  - one I still love X and feel very attached to him though yes I know that because of the way things are that I need to still love him but move on with my life and the second is DBoy and I do not have the same group of friends - funny as that may sound given how small our program is.  We all know and speak to each other but due to our classes and study groups DBoy and I do not "run in the same circles" as such our daily interaction comes down to a "Hey."  As enthusiastic as it might be - it's just a hey and then we go our separate ways.  So basically if either of us wants more than a hey we have to make it work.  Good in theory - put his feet to the flame - but it also comes with serious complications of such a small program - to go out of your way to get to know someone will make waves and potentially put you in a situation where you just wanted to be friends and now everyone thinks it's a big deal - let's start planning your life - kind of big deal.


Oh well - how about we consider the following:

Oh for F-Sake

I swore I would never be that girl - never really have been in the last 3 years or honestly since high school - the avoider.  Sure I might be able to crush Directory Boy in a heartbeat but he's obviously got some kind of temporary kryptonite hold on me.  You know what - that makes me angry, frustrated and not in the good kind of way - well maybe in that way too.  It made me jealous today.  Good grief - the world is officially coming to an end.  I have really lost my sh*t.  Sorry folks - but I feel that if I document this, when I am drooling over myself in medical facility at least you will know that graduate school brought me to the brink and Directory Boy pushed me over.

While not an entirely accurate song - I do like it and it sort of works, I think - the L word though definitely doesn't apply.

Oops

Okay so what started as a simple FB question has morphed into an essay-a-thon with Directory Boy.  A boy I might add that I've spoken to for all of like 10 minutes in person - knows like a date or two date's worth of information from me over FB.  I've kept it as light and fluffy as there is no sense getting into anything he can't just ask me in person.  I cannot say that it's do anything for him though - he seems sweet but he's the kind of man we (I or any of my female friends) could eat for breakfast, post coffee intake.  We aren't mean, we aren't b*tches, we're just well strong willed.  I need a man with backbone and an ability to handle my me-ness. X could totally do this - Directory Boy as it stands sure as hell has only his abs going for him... hmpf.

I May Have Shamelessly Offered My Cooking to Directory Boy

Okay so housekeeping first - Directory Boy needs a better initial set up because DB is already taken on the list.  So just a note, so it doesn't confuse y'all we'll call him by his full name for now.

So while we might cross off him off the list of potentials - and I'm fine with that - I must admit that I did offer him some home cooking.  We just happen to be from the same randomly small ethnic group - and it has some unique-ish food.   I was a little reluctant at first to throw it out there - but I did.  So who knows.  But yep, I've become the woman who shamelessly whores out her cooking in the hopes of snagging a man.  Heck what else can I do, it's not really a program where I can just roll up my kilt, like I could in high school... not that I did that either, kind of smacks of desperation.  Ah who am I kidding offering out non-beet borscht also sort of smacks of that too, without the necessary leg shaving.

Maybe You Can Find a Cutie in the Grocery Store

Yesterday I schlepped off to the grocery store to pick up some food since the shelves around here are getting a little empty.  Of course it was pouring and so regardless of the fact that I needed to shower - I opted to just smack my signature eye liner on and head off - bed head in tow.  Of course this is the day that a cute East side boy with manners would be in the isles of our local market.   Well the good ones are taken for good reasons - and I'm sure he was off the market, or shopping another one all together.  Regardless, I just needed the smile - a remember that while Directory Boy might like them all model looking, that I'm not alone in the whole wide world of single women of respectable and worthy quality.  Heck I live with a woman who should have a line up around the block for her -and she's more single than I am.

So yep - I might have a little pep in my step - so to the boys of this world - smile occasionally, even if you have no intention of dating or even like my gender, it reminds the other half of humanity that there is life out there.

And before I get chewed out for not chatting up the boy - I put an I Saw You on Craigslist acknowledging his manners - if he wants to say hi he can.   But acknowledging good behavior is more important to me right now.