I Need...

I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.

I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS

This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...

So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.

So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink.  Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....

So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.

And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.

A Little Bruise to the Heart

I have spent the last 6 years working to have transparency in all my relationships since CEF. I know I have not always been completely transparent and I know I have not always made the decisions others would have or would have wanted me to make, but I have felt in everything I have learned and tried to make changes.

But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.

All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.

So that's that.

A Little Musical Detour

While I respect and am flattered (and a little terrified) at the rabid interest and desire for details, I'm going to take just a little sort of pause right now to share three songs that are finding frequent play on my iPod - and one artist will not surprise you as I am a huge fan and the other I foresee myself having deep affections for as well.

It is fun, catchy and a really great body positive anthem. I came across Meghan courtesy of a great woman Melissa Fabello who is an eating disorder & body image activist

She is my patronus or muse whatever you want to call it, Sara is it.

  

Ms. J had this song in her wedding and I have to say it is the first time I am beginning to get my heart around the sentiment or more appropriately I find my heart falling into the sentiment.

I Don't Keep Secrets Well

I kept one really well for a really long time and so I think my secret keeping mojo is a little busted. But more to the point, who wants to keep a secret about something that is totally awesome?

Well even though I want to keep things quiet it is going to be brutal for the next while wanting to just throw my arms around him and kiss him when I see him. But alas those moments are saved for around corners or quiet moments in the staff kitchen.

I am still pinching myself. Yes of course I know he is human and I know I am. I know that very much at the moment as my sciatic nerve is giving me NLLL hell. It goes through moments it isn't that bad and then normally I stand up or try to get up off the floor and realize that I would love to stay wherever I am. However unfortunately I know staying on my back doesn't actually aid the process...

I will say that he deserves a little or a lot recognition for leaving work today for a while to come see me at home and rub my back, get me an ice pack and in general try to make me feel better. How awesome is that?! 

I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

So Remember that Shitty Epic Long Date...

It's actually probably 5 years to the day (or close enough).

WELL...

I have a replacement epically long date and it was totally not shitty, not shitty at all...

It could actually be described with the following expressions/emotions:

This morning when he texted me to see what I was up to today and we were both headed for the library I was really barely containing myself. We spent the afternoon together in the library and yes I was so crazy as to have a nap for the last hour next to him. I did my usual put my scarf on the table and throw my coat/sweater over my head. Yes, I have no shame.

We then decided to go for drinks and probably drove the waitress crazy with our distracted talking, it probably took us a good hour to order and then we were there another 5 hours talking. And we're on the same page on pretty much everything including he's totally okay with gluten free. And this sounds weird and horrible and I'm not sure what else but both of us had epically horrible engagement and life collapses in 2008 and had them redeemed by awesome surrogate family people and well so much more....

Guess who was a gentleman who walked me to my bus and waited for it but did not do anything else overtly chivalrous - hallelujah, not more being cut off or chastised for my behaviour.

Guess who has a date on Sunday.

ME!!!!!

And it involves coffee and books.

So yes. So much yes.

So My Current Mood Might Resemble A 3 Year Old on a Sugar Bender...

So last night I went to bed with the solace found at the bottom of a glass of Viognier and some Brazilian gluten free cheese buns... thinking I had totally NLLL-up it all.

This morning I received an email I wasn't expecting that could be summarized with the following:

Apparently I wasn't a horrible person, I was someone who was sweet and kind and what just happened... Well I responded as bubbly as possible stating I wouldn't be in because today is my cat herding day (the wrangling of a 7 and 4 year old and their 14 month old sibling) but we could talk next week. I checked my email tonight and I have an offer of drinks. My response...

It is on.

It is so on.

Let the awkward games begin.

Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.