But see for one that doesn't work, because it's an ever amplifying chorus, in which the refrains become chaotic and the symphony of dreams became a painful cacophony of sounds, beating against all that you had hoped for. Rather I had a moment of grace this evening, a realization that even if I don't get into English graduate school, this isn't my last kick at this dream. There is another MA program I can apply for that is local, that will only improve me as a writer, student and as a person. So I will be applying for that program this spring without feeling that it is a second option. I know that there is a purpose to the forward movement in my life - yes I know I will bruise, but I know that there is a purpose to all of this.
I know this all sounds vague, just know that this is all really good, and right now my heart doesn't know how to relay it all to you.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jahluv/4450918268/
It seems that a lot of people had that sense of release last night. It was subtle, but I felt it. Something about the worship, maybe.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, every so often, there's a moment of epiphany, of realization that your childhood (or adolescent, or young adult) dreams for yourself may not turn into what you wanted them to, sometimes it's something you could have done something about, sometimes not. I'm thinking of a musical term that our favourite author, Annie Lamott, wrote about: Grace notes. These are the spaces between the other notes, the silences that make music what it is.
The way we educate our children now, we tell them that life is made up of a series of accomplishments - in this analogy, these are the bright and clear notes of music. But I think that's not the case... if it was, I'd have to agree that I'm a miserable failure and that there are far too few "events" and far too many gaps for what I'd planned. But living accomplishment to accomplishment turns you into someone who's always living for something that could be, instead of learning from and soaking up what life is now. Those little moments - going to Portland, going for walks, taking a course...
Sure it's more pedestrian that we were led to believe about life, but I feel that it's a healthier balance. It keeps me from thinking that I've been left behind by my dreams, that I'm somehow behind on some cosmic "to-do" list.
Anyway, I'm babbling epistemically. I'm glad you were moved. :)
First yay you commented - I always feel special when you comment...
ReplyDeleteMaybe it was the worship cira last year of camp... maybe God was in His own amazingly gracious way getting me to unwind... I just can't believe I hadn't thought that I could go to Regent next year - they have an MA program that I can do, even transfer over after a year if that happens - but hello, it's good - it's all good, SIGH OF RELIEF. But of course when you look at it as a cosmic sense of must do, must do, it all great freakish.
But all that being said, we will convocate in June -I'm already picking out the par-tay dress.
Hallelujah! =)
ReplyDeleteExactly!!
ReplyDelete