There is not much new to report

I don't want to go for a run, I mean I do, but I don't - I think it's the fear of what will happen... the fear, a fabulous topic that keeps coming up around here... I will do it, I promise and I will update everyone. But at this moment, the only thing I am trying to focus on is this cover of Billie Jean - which happens to be sung by the Civil Wars which seem to be the hottest thing since sliced bread or something like that - well according to my Twitter feed that is.

Well Victoria...

Victoria mentioned yesterday that she feels that in dating there is not enough honesty regarding the fear.  Today she furthered this idea of the fear as:

"And I'm not just talking about the big fears, I'm talking about the littler ones, the going on a date ones, the meeting someone for the first time ones, the what if it's awful, how do I politely escape ones, the what if there's that awkward, dead silence fears. I've had them and done it anyway."

So here it is V, I am scared. I have my fears. I have my moments that cause my stomach to churn. I even had a moment like that this week as X can attest to and it made me feel horrible and I know it hurt him too. I also have big fears - like will I ever feel ready to be married - I am not referencing this in regards to X.  Just after CEF the whole fairytale, run off into the sunset and get married and live happily ever after business does not exist.  It doesn't mean I don't want it to happen, it's just hard when that little voice of doubt has a tendency to creep into the picture.

The issue is whether or not the fear stops the forward growth - I sure hope it does not.

Cristina/Owen I think are the best example that comes to mind when you despite your scars and your fears try to press through and find love

Update

Well of course it had to snow - so one more day "resting" at home I guess won't hurt.  I finished off my blood tests today - and all came back normal - just great... yes it is and it isn't... but on another note - Bravo just had this video on when I turned the TV on tonight and I think you should check it out - and PS the lady singing is not Joss Stone oddly enough, it is not.

The Fear

In less than two weeks I will have completed my second marathon, in theory.  Right now my body seems to be staging a revolt of epic Russian Revolution style proportions - and in the process scaring me within an inch of my sanity.  For those who've followed along for a while, or read my food blog will know that I have for the last few years struggled with several bouts of illness.  I know that these started when I started to deal with all the issues of my childhood/teen years.  Now I feel like calling out "No Fair!" to the cosmos because I should be rewarded for dealing with my issues not kicked while I was down.  But alas I was - it started with a dying or dead immune system which left me sick at the mere mention of the presence of a sick person in my vicinity.  I was worse than the average day care child when it came to picking up viruses - and quite frankly that is horrible because I am not a small child who licks all sorts of unfortunate things or doesn't wash their hands... alas.  I was put on numerous antibiotics (which may or may not have been the reason for the GF issues) and so on and so forth and then the hives came.  Oh the glorious hives. And if that wasn't fun enough I started to have problems getting out of bed, up stairs and walking in general.  I went from a marathon runner to a woman who at under 30 paused a minimum of 3 times while trying to climb the stairs up to my office due to the excruciating muscle pain and fatigue.

So last March the epic testing began - it was a time of warm fuzzy feelings and joy - that is if being prodded with an ultrasound wand while having a full bladder at 7am feels amazing.  And in the end after the MRI, ultra sounds, x-rays and urine and stool tests and blood tests for everything between Allergies to Syphilis (because we know that was so the front runner for the cause) the answer was *drum roll* nadda.  Yes folks according the medical community I was on the border of malingering.  So not the case.  I changed my diet - went gluten dairy and soy free and started treatments with Suka my beloved acupuncturist.

I started to walk again, move like a normal person of my age, my skin stopped freaking out and I started to run.  I became human again - until this week.  I have been slowly letting dairy and soy creep into my life because sometimes I have to - they aren't loved by my body but they aren't hated.  Gluten is my enemy.  We are Russia and the USA circa October 4,1957 or any of the years following. 

Anyways, I have a tired unhappy body that refuses to run, a brain that wants to run and all the worry and self doubt that this planner could ever never want...   So if you don't find me around here you know that my brain has sort of shut down in an attempt to not think about the could be's

It's About Time I Tell You All....

I may or may not be single - I am not technically single - whatever that means.  I guess it means I am not looking, or that I have a lovely man that makes me all flustered, smiley and all that good stuff.  It is good stuff no?  So I know that is so vague and you are probably wondering what the hell is going on - who is this person, how did we get here, what the hell? Stop the bus I want to know what's going on here - give me the details and all that.

Well I don't have details - I mean I sort of do, but I don't.  For one he knows about this blog, he reads this blog and he wants to stay off this blog - probably a good idea since the last time I dragged a reader male I liked into my blog I had to ditch the blog when I moved on.  And no, I'm not planning to move on - but whatever - moving on past that point.  So that all being said I'm still going to talk a bit about him, since we're all friends - cue to X this would be when you stop reading... you heard me.

So X as he's being called because he and I cannot seem to come up with a cute, catchy non-degrading name for him... we didn't intend this - good Lord I wasn't even looking for this - and yes I know that they say you'll find it when you least expect it and all that but, I was not expecting this.  We fought it, we truly did, and well maybe I'm not a good fighter since I am a pacifist but our fighting against it didn't work.  We both in separate occasions this past week realized that what we have been calling a friendship has definitely grown beyond that point.  He in a conversation and I on one of my many Etsy browsing nights looking through the Treasury, started search for gifts for him.  I had started Valentine's Day shopping for the first time in my almost 30 odd years. It was a weird revelation - not that I had never shopped for Valentine's Day but rather that somehow in all the talking and what not I had fallen sort of unbeknownst to me.  A part of brain has wanted to curse me out - has wondered how these things happen.  And yet the thankfully sane part is happy he is sane - non-codependent.  Y'alls he has a job and an education, he can dress himself and *drumroll* is NOT a man child.  It's like finding a freaking unicorn.  Okay so maybe not a unicorn - how about an amazing pair of sale Louboutin's but really finding those is finding a pair of unicorns you can wear that say, NLLL-me right?

Enough with the unicorns - we're taking it slowly, and we will see what happens.  I will do my best to update y'all since that is why you read and I blog...

So this is where if you are still reading against my instructions X you really really stop reading....

Keep On Reading

Photo:

Oh the Memories

I have been sifting through old blogs for old music loves and in the process finding some pretty good lines - maybe it's narcissistic, but as an aspiring writer I find that I need to remind myself in the dry times that I have not so dry moments - and drum roll here are some of what I believe are my somewhat finer moments.

"Heartbreak = good old fashion heart ripped from its sockets and you being left with a hole to be soaked and preserved with tequila, brined with tears and stuffed full of Black Cherry ice cream. If you are too young to have one, it's glamorous, if you've put enough miles on your heart it somehow makes you feel like a veteran comparing battle wounds."

"I don't carry anything other than an over-sized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op"  TOITB - this migh explain why I check everything when I fly

"start hearing the annoying loud ticking of their future coming from goodness knows where. Like my barista boy did today, it attacks you from behind, makes you feel slightly violated, but then you are forced to face it, attempt to wrinkle your preventatively Botoxed brow at it, and then deal with its ugly truth, like a sweat stain in a satin dress in August there is no avoiding it, your uterus has started to call the shots. So you do as any good single girl does and you develop a habit of abusing your liver, spend long hours with a therapist trying to figure out why the hell your here (you discover your family is surprisingly more toxic than your new drinking habit), start a fetish for some weird clothing item, pick up a slightly masochistic sport that involves tonnes of traveling to places that start interesting but unfruitful cocktail party conversations and so on... but in the end the only men chasing your skirt are OM types, too old, too single and oddly likely not too sure which team they prefer...

"My uterus is aging despite what I do to its encasing vessel - no amount of Botox, anti-aging cream/soap, running, SPF Vampire, vitamins, yoga, and hair colour will prevent it."

It seems I developed a uterus theme in the spring...

"Ack my uterus has taken over, it's more then just talking at me, it's yelling and starting a war, a revolt, a coup. That's it it's start a coup over my brain, my heart and my freaking common sense. I see a baby, and the only thing I can concentrate on is BABY, OOOOOOO BABY, OOOOOOOO, SO CUTE, BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!!! All my precious hormones are pumping through/screaming at my brain and insisting they get one. I have officially banned myself from children. Yes Ms. J I am the one who more often then not swears that they are evil, originating from the same place as pantyhose runs and spilled food on a first date, lipstick on your teeth and all that. Evil."

"Personally for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says. Relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In the end your weakness will find their way to the bottom side of my soft gray BCBG stiletto pumps if you can't man up."

And last but not least a comment in regards to this post by TOITB:

"We are insane - I think you know that and well the men I have come to know personally definitely push the stupid category. In the end it is about finding someone you think is a tolerable amount of insane and I need to find someone that doesn't make me want to self lobotomize myself with a plastic knife. So romantic isn't it?"

Six Word Memoirs

Last year I purchased a Six-Word Memoir book on Love, Loss and Heartbreak - quite frankly it is brilliant. We did a little round of it on here too, I think there is so much that can be said in just six words:

Found you when I wasn't looking.

Your voice turns me completely speechless.

And well the list could go on - but I have packages to be completing - check it out: Six-Word Memoirs, they have all the different categories on their website - though I would also suggest checking out the book.

So Yesterday

Well yesterday was a little or a whole lot shitty - but alas, it was yesterday. So on that note an old gem that has been rolling around in my brain this morning.



And another because it also sums up how I feel at this moment...

So Apparently the Snow is Coming

And I for one would like it to come at about 3am snow heavy until about 6 and let me stay home tomorrow.  Beyond that it needs to go somewhere else.  I am not down with this snow business not at all... But in an effort to have a sense of humor about these things - my favorite Canadian:

Shopping...

I go through odd shopping phases.  What I mean is I have a list of basics above my desk - things I should consider investing in before anything else. This list is enough to keep me out of the malls these days because I know that to invest in them would not be much of an investment for the following reasons:  I am in the middle of marathon training season - my weight keeps dropping in weird ways (read my ass is the same size though everything else is shrinking) and once I stop running I know there is a small amount of weight gain that is inevitable.  So if it fits perfect now, it might not fit later either way - and I am fine with it to be honest.  This problem though I think is why smart smart men like Choo, Louboutin et al developed gorgeous heels.

I am a shoe addict.  I will admit this with no hesitation at all and yet I will justify it with the following.  I have a periwinkle/purple dress that was purchased in NYC and I am finally okay with my body to wear - it is clingy and Grecian inspired - those long straps wrap in a criss-cross fashion across the waist... but the grey BCBG heels that I also purchased in NYC are a little dull.  Not in their attitude, but in their colouring, so I was considering these.

I love them - I think they are a great classic - but I'm not sure they suit the dress - I was thinking a more delicate shoe is necessary - but alas this is not the season for it, so I will likely pull out the coral dress with black tights for the Valentines Day and Annual Non-Anniversary celebrations...

The other issue is I convocate this summer - and my post secondary institution believes that Navy and Red are wonderful colours. I concur - but it makes finding something that coordinates under the gown hard. The gowns are open - and while most don't care about how it looks - I do darn it. So this dress is the winner - it will be purchased ever so shortly - it's wonderful because the waist can be taken in if need be, there is room for my curvy lower half, and it keeps the girls that are always trying to escape in check.... I just need shoes for it? Ideas? Navy? Nude? Animal Print?

Note: I would be wearing it without the petticoat

Caught My Breath

I was given the cd, from which this song is on. Long and short of it - I needed to buy a new cd alarm clock to play the cd. So I schlepped down to BestBuy and got it, and when it was all set up I put the cd player on shuffle because that's how I am. Well I almost fainted - it was like the gifter's voice was this song and er wow and all that jazz. So it's not a perfect correlation but yes, yes and yes in many places.

A Gift from My Boss

A Love of Mine

I have a huge gaping hole in my heart of B&W photography - Vivian Maier's amazing work and her incredibly unique and sad story will definitely be finding their way into that hole. 

Top to Bottom: I love those quiet-discrete moments, the fashion! the faces!, The little kitten - did you see it? And quiz time this is the inside of a famous building - do you know what it is?

Must Be Married by 2012?

Well according to CW I need to do everything I can to ensure I'll be hitched in 2012 because that's the last good year to get married in for a while.  Apparently 2013 is bad luck, there is no love in or for 2014 and who really wants to be married in 2015, I don't know - more I don't know the future to say for sure who will or will not be.

Now you're likely laughing and shaking your head as we did today at lunch over our bowls of Vietnamese food - trying our hardest not to project noodles through our noses - while CW broke down her reasons why.  Now I will not fault her for having this, in her mind well thought out, because after all she has been desperate for a ring for almost a year now and if she's going to see one before 2018 she's got to bring her A game - hard, fast and relentless in her mind.

So you still think she's crazy, A game or not - well let me give you an example of this girl's mind bending skill.  After snorting on one of my noodles, she turned to me and put it this way:

If it's not next year (apparently she's found someone for me or has her eye on someone more to the point) then it HAS to be (her emphasis) 2014, because Lord have mercy I get married in 2013 - all the bad juju and such like (funny I thought it was the people getting married and not luck that determined success of a marriage...), then by her calculations it would be 2016 before I would have my first child and that my friends would make me 3_. She kind of scared me with that number, I will fully admit that. 

So CW managed to scare me - why on Earth I let her I have no idea.  I've been there done that in the whole planning a wedding business and I know that it is all a complete waste if you are not completely head over stilettos for the person. So be it 2013 or some other prime or socially unfortunate number, when that day comes it comes.

Photo: http://www.etsy.com/listing/53362958/wedding-gown-julietta

New Year = New Design?

Ms J was going to redesign things around here but she's more than a little swamped - so I'm going to be fiddling around with the Blogger approved aesthetics for a while - this way I save myself the hair pulling that comes with me trying to do my own coding.  If I did it every day it probably would be a snap, but alas it normally only happens once a year and as such it's just too much darn stress.

Trying to Find the Words

I do not have writer's block, I have a brain block.

I was trying to find a song that conveys all I am thinking and processing but I cannot - it isn't just in one song, it's a whole music library.  But we'll start here

Slowly Chipping Away at that 30 before 30

I accomplished 13 - shocking what you can do when faced with a reality of aging - and I will leave it at that - I don't think I need to tell you what I waxed, it just was not south, actually quite north.

Also I completed a wonderful book that I would recommend, Mennonite in a Little Black Dress - I will say that is was especially relevant for me.  That is all - sorry folks.