Thanks

A good friend of mine introduced me to Jeff Buckley - and while I will admit it will likely take some time for him to specifically grow on me - like Damien Rice did - his songs are amazing.  And as such I'm posting this cover of one of said friend's favorite songs.

So.... when I said I wanted to date

I should have clarified to the cosmos, that I meant I want to date someone new - no re-dating.  The sad thing is BB asked me out for coffee.  Yes I know he's a barista - but he wants to take me downtown to this place that makes amazing soy lattes.  He's sweet and he gives me free coffee. BUT he is so broken.  I cannot fix him.  I wouldn't and even if I was crazy enough, and that would be like CRAZY crazy to consider that - I don't think any healthy person could even help him.  He needs professional help.  He's got shit.  Hell I've gone through big time shit in my life, and if your shit scares me, it needs someone to help you out and not a girl you like.... so *sigh* I haven't given him an answer, he kind of blindsided me at 6:30 this morning when he asked.  I wish I could be his friend - steer him to some help, but I think that's like trying to save a drowning man - it's more likely to put you in danger than them.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/charl22/168618212/sizes/m/in/photostream/

'Tis that time of year...

It is that time to look back and look forward.  But quite frankly I don't want to look back to the hell that was my body's dysfunction this year - or all issues that was 2010.  So, we are going to dig up, dust off and change up the 29 before 29 list... *drum roll*


30 before 30


1. Apply for Graduate school (write the General GRE and Subject GRE) - I will not dignify this with more than one spot. I start in September and I didn't have to take the GRE, yay me.


2. Dye hair blond and cut short - thinking pixie short but I hate growing it out from that length, it's the devil. Well as of Feb 12/10, my hair will look something like this, I have this picture on my cork board at the moment.


3. Make something with squash blossoms


4. See at least two VIFF films Close enough - Ms. J and I always see at least one film.


5. Run 5 marathons races since I started to get sick running hasn't been super high on the able to do list but this could be an option.  Well I've done a marathon and 3 half's - so I'm short one which I am booked to do in January - after that the plan is Vancouver Half, Portland and Philly full marathons and maybe a half in Seattle.  Staying close-ish to home this year.  SO on that note we are going to kick it back up to 5 marathons.


6. Get a professional massage, and no not that kind of massage...  Done and done and scheduled to be done again - Lucie is amazing.


7. Go to The Diamond, try a new signature drink - ie. not vodka based, and if it is gin based I will hand over my Blackberry for the night.  This year's anti-wedding anniversary party I promise.


8. For an equal drinking/class experience go here for my birthday Went for my anti-anniversary celebrations in 2010.


9. Plant a mini garden and try not to kill it basil died but the oregano and mint still survived - beyond that I don't have enough light.

10. Use the word bombastic and/or find someone bombastic and get their number  Close enough we
are FB "friends" and he was invited to our New Year's Game's Night.


11. The above will be done at either 7 or Shangra La's bar - which I've been dying to go to... alcohol is a theme here, oops Scratch that - visit three states I have not been to/in - landing in is acceptable as far as I am concerned because landing in is all I want to do in Minnesota.  This actually might be really hard since I've been to more than I think I want to count, such as: West Coast, South going East from California to Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, Georgia, Montana, Nevada, DC, Pennsylvania, New Jersey,  Delaware, Virginia and Maryland, New York, Minnesota and Illinois.

12. Dance somewhere - flash mob would be a safe place... I have a fear of rhythmic movement and rightfully so.


13. Have a body part waxed  *sigh* I am such a chicken, my roommate does her own, I don't think I can but we'll try


14. Get another tattoo (I want a really big one, though I will likely settle for something small again)


15. Make homemade marshmallows for Christmas gifts - you better act surprised y'all - the plan for 2011


16. Get a short story published...


17. Give a random stranger on the T a bouquet of flowers - this would work if I worked downtown more.


18. Learn to drive - my parental unit insists on this though I have negotiated an alternative option for this.


19. Learn to read French - I own the books, I guess I should be doing this.



20. Take a beginner tap dance or ice skating class - why did I pick such hard things - blerg - this is never going to happen...


21. Invest in a Jo Malone fragrance - which I might add are PRICEY and hard to come by on this side of the Atlantic


22. Take someone to NYC


23. Go to an NFL game - next year I am going to try my hardest when we're in Philly.


24. Send at a card every 2 months to a friend for encouragement or thanks - and I won't do all these at one time.


25. Start dating again - I know it sounds like a cop out but considering I haven't done that at all this year now that I think about it - I may have to be really deliberate with this.


26. Make a 5 year plan that has practical steps and does not involve a step that says "get married"


27. Help my dad run the Philly Half Marathon in 2011.


28. Not purchase another book until I have read 3 from my unread collection.


29. Have a Valentine's Day event - we tried but failed last year.


30. Bungee jump -  Ms. J refuses but there has to be someone willing to do with with me.


So there are one that need to be changed - any suggestions?

More music

I have noticed in recent conversations that my ability to communicate is limited in moments, moments where I want a song, poem or novel to do the speaking for me.  Confusion arises and the possible insight that could have been given seems to slip away in the attempt to re-communicate, maybe that is why there has been more music on here as of late - maybe I just have too much on my brain to sort it all out.

 

Soo it must be Christmas

I feel like I've been run over with a semi or a commuter train or something - you get the image. I have been awake since 6 and so tonight I got a grand total of 4 and some odd hours of sleep.  I wasn't at AB's party - time just got away from me, tis the season.

Hopefully I will be able to get a nap in today - I really will need a nap.  There is lots I need - I needed that massage I had to reschedule yesterday.  I need to not be sitting in front of my laptop while all my laundry is in piles or going through the machine.   Oh well I feel like there is something I should be saying but I cannot form into words -  thoughts about how complicated men are (AB and BB) about how complicated life is, and the joys of this season....

I have to say this is one of my favorite holiday songs (yes it is a cover and it might be perfect - but that is what I love about the song the message isn't lost) - the original song is here :



And now the requesite Florence + the Machine Song:

Property!

You're all mine, mine, MINE, ALL MINE... CEF was like this - Ms. J and well anyone can testify to his need to be in constant contact with me.  We would talk before I went to work, we would talk the entire 1hr commute home, during dinner and then MSN until I was about to pass out.  If he couldn't do that he'd be texting and calling every minute in there that he could - and yes there were many times I would turn off my phone - never a good option.  I'm busy was never an acceptable solution.  You think I'm joking, oy vay, seriously ask Ms. J.  Before CEF I never believed that I was beholden to anyone's time, and after all the fighting to unstick him from my life - I believe that philosophy even stronger.  If you cannot survive without talking to me, without knowing where I am - that is your problem, not mine.

CW says I should be more jealous - that it says I care - CW also says a lot of interesting things*.  Really?  Does wanting to know where someone is, what they are doing and who they are with, all or even a large portion of the time caring?

*Such things:
1.Sharing is NOT caring - which is normally in reference to her friends semi-swinger lifestyles
2. Be a kitten now and a lion when you get married - that is actually her mom's wisdom, apparently everyone's mother hands down weird advice - regardless of their culture.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/richgaccione/2626955916/

More Music

I've been dwelling on the topics of long distances, jealousy, growing up and the explosion of marriage around these parts. 

Edit - I had a long blog post about CEF - but since I'm over him and heading for a long bath I'm not going to leave it up - I do not need to be projecting more negativity.

As to the video it was done apparently with a real light bright - check it out on YouTube for the full effect

Music Interlude

I Must Confess

In light of Hansen's comment (reading) and a recent blog of Victoria's, I have noticed my ghetto booty is disappearing with all my running.  Which in theory I should be thrilled with because despite my Russian heritage I have always had more back than I would appreciate - but I guess I should say had back.  Hansen was distressed the last time it happened and I am sure if she wasn't a 100 or so miles away she would be distressed now... I like running for all the positives it gives me but I must confess - I still want to be able to sing along to this song and know it applies to me.



Y'all can thank Yummy Mommy for making this our theme song...

Have You Ever

Have you have ever met someone who intimidated you - not CEF intimidation, but a wow you're amazing, you're so _____.... I had a conversation with a male friend about this.  This friend is not the only guy to do this to me,  DD was the other once but considering my mouth goes bone dry in his presence I have given up trying on that.  I've always sort of believed that it was a good sign - not the bone dry mouth - but the element of awe.  I am not talking about a disproportionate amount, but rather the person having abilities you don't have and want or want to grow in, someone who compliments you, encourages you to grow.

For example - I cannot dance and I cannot get up in front of people and do anything let alone sing or play an instrument.  I have sung in front of hundreds in another language too - but let me put it this way I probably looked like I was going to hurl the entire time.  The lack of dancing is probably a combination of insecurity and coming from a family where dancing was verboten - especially dancing with a boy.  It didn't help me one bit that I went from a public elementary school where dancing consisted of standing holding each other at a respectable distance and moving side to side to a private school where no one danced because everyone knows that dancing leads to sex.  Actually a lot leads to sex and it isn't just dancing... sigh - to bad they didn't consider all the other ways and teach some practical instruction around that... but that is another blog.  So bottom line I dance at home with the blinds closed and no one else around...

Those aren't things I necessarily want to grow in but I do want to find someone who supports me and challenges me to grow... I don't know if someone who intimidates me is the place to start though apparently I have the same effect on men - so maybe I need to get over my fears in order to find someone brave enough to handle me - rather than dealing with the men who think they can just corral me.

I Must Confess

I have never looked back on an ex or pseudo relationship and thought, damn I should have never let them go, they were so good/right etc...  Yep, never.  I know you're going to say what about AB?  Well if you've been following along I don't think I ever really thought that he or we were so good - we were the definition of dysfunction or more so I was a man-child enabler...

I am beginning to wonder if that is normal.  I know I'm not normal - maybe this is just one more thing that I'm not normal about.  I have been thinking about this since I saw Dr. A's picture on FB, the first time I've seen him in any form in 5 years.  It's a little weird.  We went out bad - or more so he did.  And any feelings I had left over that fateful Christmas party where washed away with two very expensive martini's thrown back shot style and his fateful head rub to the horrified looks on my coworkers faces on the other side of the table.  Dr A went down in those flames, not the ones he should have gone down in - the no marriage, no kids, 15 year age gap flames.  Funny I always let them lose with the simple things.   Boy who Played the Guitar also pops up on FB and when I see the rare photos of his wife it reminds me that there is no way in hell I would sing the words of Adele.  Maybe it's a good thing I will never want or have to - make me wonder if I haven't loved enough.

Exhausted

Oh Lord

My last building Christmas party was not a disappointment - sh*tfaced-ness all around.  No I didn't do that - there was no gin to be seen so no one got lucky.  After my first two champagne, things were getting tipsy and then followed with a glass of white wine at which time well I would have said yes to just about anything - so I cut it off there.  But others didn't and at the end of the night - the wine was flying and so were comments that even drunk I doubt I would make.

In the end, the big surprise was showing your cleavage and doing your own french twist - not perfect but pretty damn good ensures that no one, not even a bitchy wife of an owner makes a comment about why you're single.  Well actually the drunkest at the party did ask.  And I told her the truth - figure you might as well - I told her I was seeing someone - actually no I didn't because that's a lie.  I told her (as I am sure she would have remembered if she wasn't drunk) that after being engaged to CEF and the joys that brought - that in the end I would rather be single than have a douche on my arm.  She surprisingly didn't accept that - should have gone with Option A... But alas she was drunk and I can pray she remembers nothing.

As for me the carriage has become a pumpkin and the dairy I consumed has decided to curse me out so I'm off to bed to pray that the pain ends.

Hmm

Some days I feel like I should have a lock on my computer - no public sharing while processing thoughts.  But well those who know me know that my belief is filtering doesn't work for me - I'm a talk through it person.  Problem is that as you talk through things your mind can change... alas that's why blogs have the gracious thing called edit, though life doesn't.

My old blogs exist in cyberspace but because of CEF they aren't public, so you'll have to trust me on this.  I went through an "online dating phase" from December 07 to about March 08.  I talked to 3 guys during this process - I know large selection huh - anyways not the point.  The first one started to creep my out - ended that one.  Second one - S, well that was going well and then one day it came unhinged.  He held up a book and I was shocked.  I was shocked that a person I though I was getting to know was actually a completely different person.  But heck that wasn't the end of it - in the end we were completely different people... so anyways we'll leave Three for another day.  But the point is S got engaged yesterday, we are oddly still FB friends...  I feel ambivalent about the whole thing.  He's happy, she's happy and I sure wasn't still holding anything for him - well see here's the deal.

I think I want to be single for now.  Sounds crazy I know.  But after AB I just feel like I'm not up for the drama - all the wondering what he thinks or feels or if it's even truly true.  I believe it has to be simpler, a hell of a lot so.  Thing is I feel like life keeps reminding me that only parts of this whole like, dating and then love thing is simple - the biological chemistry part - the #%)^@ part that starts and you're left wondering what the hell is going on.  I know it won't take long to arrest the reaction.  Question is what do I gain by cutting it off?  What is there to lose by not shutting up and shutting it all down?




Yes I know another Florence + The Machine video - but I love her, the lyrics keep surprising me:

've fallen out of favour
And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Oh-ooh (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Oh-ooh (repeated)

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again (x15)

I'll dance myself up
Drunk myself down
Find people to love
Love people too drunk
I'm not scared to jump
I'm not scared to fall
If there was nowhere to land
I woudn't be scared
At all (x4)
All (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

You're Pregnant!

In the last few weeks I've found myself thinking about the topic or having it appear in the weirdest of places.  Take last Friday for example, I said to Ms. J, "Speaking of the human body," she interjects "You're pregnant" "Um no we're only celebrating one immaculate conception this year and it ain't mine"... the conversation proceeded to talk about the Scar Project's I'm Not A Pink Ribbon campaign, which I LOVE.   Later that evening as I was putting my delicates away I caught sight of the HCG text box that is still in a drawer a year later... what the hell it's still doing in there I don't know, I don't plan on needing or even wanting to use it anytime soon.

There was a time in my life I thought I really wanted kids, but well I know that for one times a ticking but at the same time I know despite my previous beliefs that I'm not willing to choose to be a single mom.  If it happens then it happens and I'd have a great community to support me.  Even still I know it's a hell of a lot of work and I don't know if I could do it day in and day out alone-ish.

For now I rely on the days like today where even my boss asked for a Valium, when the ridiculous tantrums and hours of screaming as free birth control.  They get me past those moments where I really really want a baby and don't care if the dad will ditch me. It is these screaming times that make me wonder that even if everything lined up - a husband, stable home etc would I have the patience for it all.  It's funny I always thought I would be a mom, but when I look at my mom friends and their downs more than ups, it makes me really wonder.

Eww

I'm camped out on the couch, starting to pray that I can get back to running, but alas the joy that waits 28 days give or take has decided to sidetrack things.  If I'm trying to avoid being washed away in the inches of rain and the wind storms, then it something else.  And at the same time trying to convince my PMS brain that there is nothing in the house - seriously nothing - well that it wants - I stopped buying flour and bread products about two months ago as part of my anti-candida kick, I am GF/DF so chocolates and the like aren't in my house... but it doesn't mean that the sight of them isn't causing me to lose my head.  I must survive, the pain of gluten is a pain far far worse...

Ready, Set, Christmas!

Christmas can start now.  Well I actually started it on the weekend when I was procrastinating from my paper - the cedar door bow and lights are up (about all we have room to put up or store), the Christmas list is being fashioned and the work Christmas business is almost done - sweet Baby Jesus I'm so happy.

But of course this isn't a simple Christmas - my PU has started dating, while I would like to tell him to finalize the divorce first, I know he's been living alone for almost 3 years, so whatever.  She sounds nice - Catholic high school principal... so anyway there was this part about me not wanting to go away this Christmas, I think I do, someone want to take me in?  As long as you live in a climate similar to my wet coast one I'm good...

But you will be proud of me - seriously Ms J and I are throwing a New Years party - how's that for planning ahead - woot us, but even better I opted to not invite AB at all.  Yep even though I know he'd likely not come, I figured it was high time to start leaving him off the party invites.  AND I replaced him with an invite to Mr. Bombastic - ah what the hell.

So it will be a Christmas season of change, I'm down with that, as long as someone make a pass by with some mistletoe.

Photo: A gorgeous pair of pumps I'm only going to look at - because I don't need anymore - Ms. J thinks they're hideous, I guess she's not getting them for me for Christmas...

Just What I Needed

I am not a huge fan of Christmas music, beaten, battered and mutilated beyond recognition most times.  I prefer to listen to this kind of music - it shows just how amazing ridiculous talent combined with fun and creativity can be - their Lady Gaga cover is far beyond hers.  If you check out more of their recordings just look at the crowds.  Men who sing well (and be funny) can be dead sexy.

In Lieu of Writing - Exam Season

I love her music, it's brilliant, she has lines like "no right minds can be wrong so many times...." This song has a haunting quality that somehow isn't depressing - this song was done by SYTYD - and yes that interpretation is painful and dark.  But anyways - I like her and I love what she did with the video, and also quite frankly the fact that I can easily sing along to it doesn't hurt: