ALL.THE.FEELINGS

I have been trying to avoid posting because I do feel like it's a bit of a big secret to keep from LG and its the kind I know he wouldn't like me keeping. But I'm trying to process my feelings and whether I hit publish or not on this post, I need to express them.

It's been great - yes things are moving possibly faster than I would have ever imagined, though to be honest I'm not sure what I imagined and maybe that in and of itself it the most nerve-wracking part. I don't know if I knew what this would be like - the disorientation. I feel swept up, caught in something moving that I never expected and didn't ever think to plan for and I'm not sad by that but I am nervous after CEF and given that X and I moved at really a glacial place and were long distance - I didn't have to schedule my life around him.

I am afraid the other shoe will drop and this will all become horrible or I'll wake up one morning and wonder what massive bad acid like trip I found myself on again. As if I cannot make the right choice for myself. I am possibly too sensitive to the desires of those around me. I still struggle when I hear people say well you deserve better, you deserve someone more _____. I might. But by who's standard, theirs? or mine? If I am happy, if I feel safe, if I feel that this person is someone I could raise children with, love that long term love and all those things if it doesn't look like X or he isn't _____ is that wrong?

I don't know what finding that one person is suppose to feel like - I hear it's suppose to feel like butterflies, it's suppose to feel like all sorts of things and you'll just know and you'll just... and it seems to become a spiral I cannot find myself out of, one that uses comparisons and others experiences.

I don't know what will happen long term, how we'll find balance or if he'll go to the UK or if he's truly the one and feels the same or if I'll panic and pull the plug and keep being single - after all that is the easiest. It is so much easier to keep people to a degree present in my life, to not change, to not be pushed, to not push someone else, to not depend on someone, to make decisions with someone else. And while those things terrify me, what if it is in the end like all the hard decisions you make in life one of those things you have to just start doing, even if it does scare you shitless.

At the end of the day we're all messy, we all have things our significant other's family's feel they should have aimed higher for, whether it's our health or education or looks or even age - as LG's has been balked at a few times and yet we make choices. We have a choice to choose who we choose.

And DD update - saw him at a concert event LG took me to and it's not there - the spark, the whatever he had that used to give me cold sweats in his presence has disappeared. It was kind of fascinating. 

Hurdles to be Hurdled

So as LG and I are working toward whatever we're working toward and I'm trying to get my head around all the hurdles I never expected to have to hurdle over and trying to see them as good potentials.

For example LG would have better career options if he moves to England for a few years - he was there before he came home to help take care of his teenage nephew due to a sudden death in the family. IF (HUGE IF, I REPEAT HUGE) I were to go with him my certification for chaplaincy doesn't carry beyond North America. It is its own masters degree in the UK. BUT that being said, while I would love to work in chaplaincy, working in a small parish/church I would have the opportunity to do many of the same things as well as developing longer term relationships with members. So it might actually be harder and possibly a richer experience. But that changes what my life will look like as of this summer - so it might mean having some serious discussions a lot sooner than I might want to

But that being said we talked about his hours. I get that lawyers work crazy hours and when I dated X I knew as an in-hospital physician he would also work similar hours. But as I've gotten older, I've wrestled with the reality that sure an extra pay check and a warm body on the other side of the bed are nice things, but if I'm by reality a single parent, why aren't I just a single parent? In that what is the benefit to having a partner who cannot partner with me in all aspects of life. I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself, never mind what that would look like with LG in the picture.

He is still conservative and I know that will be a work in progress, quite frankly I think in this arrangement he has the tougher road. He has strong opinions about things and my life experiences have so far shut down conversations in awkward but humorous to me, exchanges. For example I tweet anonymously and he chided me saying that it's cowardly to not put my name to my opinions. And fair enough, given all the NLLL trolls that populate the interwebs that is a justifiable response. HOWEVER, I have CEF to deal with and I am privileged to a little peace and privacy. That response resulted in a retraction. Yes dude I will fight you on these things like your definition of feminism and Internet privacy. I'm not bothered by it, they are little hurdles that I'm prepared to see where we both fumble.

But all that being said in the last 24hrs my EH account is getting some serious action and I can only laugh. REALLY? Now? I have no desire to push LG to the whole are we seriously dating discussion because the title isn't worth a lot and I'm not adding a FB status to my life so whatever, but I'm not sure how to respond to these men. And I know JS would suggest I test out the waters with these men, but I don't have it even remotely in my heart to.

We'll see - Ms. J and her beau and the two of us have a double date next Wed, so once he overcomes that hurdle we'll see what discussions arise.

Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

LG and I just talked for 3 hours in the middle of exams, when I should be sleeping and it was enjoyable. Did I actually just stumble on to a decent guy whose eHarmony profile was annoying enough but redeemable enough to comment on? Did I stumble into this because I'm that kind of bitchy woman who wants things to go sour and then the world or God or whatever you believe in was like BAM, you need to be proven wrong, so here you go. Now go forth and be continually shocked and shaking your head like WTF.

And I might have invited him over for Christmas with the NLLL clusterNLLL that is my family and he might have said yes, so yes AE you are right it is like high stakes poker to start dating close to Christmas.

Risk

I think I'm struggling right now with risk or maybe more so vulnerability. I haven't since OM and BV been on a date with a man who didn't know about CEF and all the NLLL that went down with that, and now I find myself with LG.

And I think I really like LG, frankly I'm still damn confused, but I want to be with him, so I think that's a good sign about things in that direction. But at the same time I'm nervous. I'm incredibly nervous because genuinely liking someone requires that you be vulnerable, and not in a one shot in a paper or in a class discussion vulnerable. No a slow aching vulnerability where you often have to put words to feelings you don't know how to say or ever want to have to say but because you're still figuring out the dance, you aren't sure. Like I want to kiss LG and I'm not sure if that's too soon or if because of the whole he leads things business, which I'm actually getting used to the whole door opening thing for the car, I don't want to be presumptuous and take charge but I really want to. So I'm doing my own dumb dance of sorts.

UGH.

So yes Brene Brown may be talking to me about this whole it's okay to be vulnerable and he might not really like that person but that's okay because I like me and that's what is really important.

But ya.

So there you go.

Change of Plans

Lawyer and Guy and I didn't seem to be on the same page and we don't have the same schedule because his parents are in town, but for whatever reason he's found my soft spot or a lonely spot or a something spot because on Saturday night when he texted me to see if I could come out last minute, we ended up making plans for a late movie last night  as I'd been in the Hunger Games with AE that evening.

So he came to the door this time, it was a little awkward, I wanted to hug him, I would hug everyone else, I guess I just felt/feel if you're going to play the role of the man I feel a little awkward being the one advancing the physical aspects of the relationship. But anyways. He picked me up and for the first time I got to run the conversation. In the theatre I sat as close as I could, they sure don't make that easy. So we were shoulder to shoulder and this time no panic. As we walked out of the theatre he took my hand, *FINALLY* it was nice. You know in our culture obsessed with sex I continue to see that we miss out on all the nice, comforting touch that is long before anyone gets sweaty or clothes are removed. I took his arm on the way out of the car to the door, and then there was that awkward, what now dance. Like what should I do? So I offered a hug and got that and a peck on the cheek. It was sweet. I should have have just kissed him.

So what did I do I garnered up the courage to ask him out this weekend. I have zero time and he has his parents, but whatever. Bring it on let's see where this goes.