Men are...

a simple mystery

a complex simplicity

or something like that, because time after time they do things relationship wise and I find myself going, yep that seems about right, especially when it comes to getting into serious relationships. It seems for many (not all) that a serious relationship is the only logical step when transitioning into or out of a big life change.

Let's take RB for example - last summer he was the sort of dating and sort of like someone mumbling fool. This winter semester, the busiest one of his life and the last one for him - he decides to take on a very serious relationship with lightening speed and fierce determination. I know in many ways, since I'm not in the relationship it is not fair to say this, but looking at them (and others) I wonder if men need to have their support networks locked in before stepping into or out of a tough place.

Many of my male classmates got married in the months leading up to starting graduate school, and I know it wasn't their intention to have it sound like this but often it came across not a decision of relationship timing, like it was good for both of us, as much it was, well of course she's coming with me. Yes because you're not able to function without her? I know that's sweet for some but in some regards when I look at the single women who have packed up and moved across countries on their own, I wonder if we're either afraid and we hide it well during transitions or if some point in our conditioning or just as our society has changed we've just grown accustomed to doing things on our own.

Not that I want to rehash this but heck I did the opposite when starting graduate school, I exited a relationship knowing that I needed the space, and as much as that decision pains me at times, and it seriously does, I know that I wouldn't have felt it fair to make the choice I made to change my degree or my life path.

And in that maybe that's where men and women are different. I know that's a gross generalization, but it seems to be the events lived out - which means.... I'm going to have to find a man doing at two year degree starting in September, casually friend him and hope in a year from now when that fear of what shall I do kicks in I'll be around and poof, instant husband.

If for one second you thought I am being serious, rest assured I was/am not. Life's out there and I would like a partner but I don't need one, so no sense loitering around in the hopes of that.

I know the song doesn't relate but it still fills me with so much joy to have been apart of it.



PS - Mr. Brilliant who I do not think got added to the Blog Boys is off the market - good for him, seriously because it wouldn't have been me.

A Tiny Update

Well given it is Wednesday and I am not out, sitting awkwardly next to Mr. Brilliant hoping for a whole to open and swallow me - I can inform you that he never responded.  We'll take that for whatever that is.

And on another note no sign of DB and also a something I'm totally okay with.

Actually I realized sure I would like a boyfriend but I have such a small amount of me time that unless he wants to share my time with my Dad or the girls it is just not the time. Funny, how the older I get the less that freaks me out.

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Dating and Targets

I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.

In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.

And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.

Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.

I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"

Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.

I've been trying

Trying to write

Trying to read

Trying to rest

Trying to figure out how to bring my heart back to me ever so slowly from X. Truthfully I go through seasons where I find myself sitting with the truth that I still deeply love him. I know I'm not in love with him and it would take so many little things, that they all seem like big things to change to bring us back together, that I know it just isn't for us. But there are days when that void in my life, the one that I know doesn't define me, the one that doesn't limit me but that void that some nights and even days I would love to have filled, would be best filled by him.

So I press on, start running again, reading more, sleeping more and know that some day love may circle back, it will probably be different, who knows maybe it will be the same but right now, right now it's about me and learning to love in all the different ways I can.

Love the smell of lilacs that wafts into my room at night from the neighbours yard

Love laughter around my table, time shared with friends

Love the pages of a new book

Love the questions of little lives

Love it all