Okay so we are going to have to re-evaluate

This idea about online dating/meeting, I did the basic log in and my matches are creepy.  I once naive believed you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but let's be honest the cover is something you do have to look at and love.  A person is not a book that can be recovered or shelved.  So maybe a different site or a different time,but that was not the right one.

*Sigh*

Paper is kicking my ass, I'm exhausted from life and I more than want sleep, I need it.  But oh well. So yes we will be ever slowly progressing forward on the whole signing up business, now that it has been suggested that I just suck it up and use my Twitter identity, since my Tweets are for the majority intentionally vague.  You know I will say some days I feel like I'm in the witness protection program or something and that one small slip up with come back to haunt me.  Now I know those who don't know CEF think I'm crazy, and those who do wonder why I haven't made other actions.  For me it's a fine balance of having someone else keep an eye on his location and general status (we have a mutual friend who vaguely keeps me updated - her choice not mine) and I do everything I can not to pop up on his radar in any way shape or form, and the rest I control by limiting his ability to find me in any location.  So given all that I will say that all the sh*t associated with CEF is not reflective of online meeting/dating or men in general.  No rather it is reflective of a man like Othello and Leontes (damn paper) who chooses to view women as the source of all evil in the world, instead of looking at himself.  And because he sees women that way it affects his actions... so on and so forth and yadda yadda.

So all that's left for me is to pick some pictures from Ms. J's Flickr and go forth into the gray and murky yonder.

Nominated!

N nominated me to try out the only "matching" site we've collectively as a building not tried (lots of single "motivated" women around these parts.  Of course the minute she suggested that I was trying to figure out how many weeks of running (tanning, primping) it would take before I felt like dating... Let's me honest, it's hard, it's something you feel rusty about.

Soooo... I am notiminating everyone else to help me.  That's right you're all going down the rabbit hole of this with me - I need to ensure I have people watching the process.  At this point I've picked the site (inferred above).

I need a: "screen name" and SnP is not a choice option.  I had considered my Twitter account - but then that is well too traceable.  Let me put it this way, I am drawing lines here and now - my personal email, my phone number, Twitter, blogs and Facebook are all not going to shared if I can help it.  It is as simple as that.  I had to shut down and reorganize my life after CEF, a girl only needs to do that once in her life.

Proposed bio (edited from my "About Me" page which disappeared when I reformatted the blog):

I love: stilettos
I keep: Vodka in the freezer and a Bible in my purse
I read: The Economist and Chaucer
I run: for GF brownies and marathon bliss black toes
I eat: vegan food when I can
I sing to: female singer-songwriters
I sniff: flowers and used books

I know Ms. J will think I'm on something - but here's the deal, this is a complete gamble and something I am deciding if I do is something I'm going to be a relaxed about it as I can.  So feedback would be great.

Call Me Crazy

Because I know you wouldn't be the first or the last. I am caving ever so slowly to the online dating mess. I know, I know, oh I SO KNOW, that it had ugly results for me in the past. However, I can't get over my old roommate's ability to casually stumble on to an amazing guy. So here I am wondering - I am wondering if I should just look... I don't know a part of me still thinks it is the place where men get to shrug off their social responsibility to pursue. Really guys I don't think you know how easy it is to get a girl. Now maybe it's the full moon or hormones or both, but these days if you smiled at me, and where bathed and didn't scream axe-murdered I would give you the time of day and maybe some time from said day. The world is teeming with hormonal late 20 somethings looking to get married and laid so chop to it. And yes I'm aware I probably scared everyone off, oh well. Again thinking about it. Right now oddly I just don't feel like sitting across from a total stranger, sober. Oy vay, I think there is my answer - back to the writing.

Writer's Block

I've been trying to work my way out of the hole of this paper - it's all laid out, it should come together, it should, it should.  I hate that phrase."It should"... it gets linked to all sort of other unfortunately phrases, like:

not eat ice cream, it makes my tummy sad
get out and date
not be annoyed when there are references to my biological clock
run - train (signed up for races...)
save and not spend
relax
sleep
be more adventurous
date (yes I mentioned that but we know it's important...)
complete my registration form
not be annoyed by my increasing number of gray hairs

and the list could go on, like I should be writing my paper (getting to that right now - seriously

Thanks TOITB

1. What artist/musician/author, etc. helped to define you as the person you are now? Any particular work of art/song/written work, etc

That’s tough, I can’t say that I’ve had a consistent muse – sounds like a simplistic answer but the Bible would be the consistent influence on my life and defining factor

2. If somebody offered to tutor you in 1 skill of your choosing (towards mastery), what would it be and why?

Ballet/Dance – I guess my awkward self got the dancing bug at 5 y.o. and ever since I have wanted to dance like that, watching SYTYCD doesn’t help

3. How do you take your coffee/tea? Or if neither, substitute appropriate eye-opener.

Coffee BLACK, and keep it coming, or if I am lucky to have a WF near buy a 4 shot medium Vanilla Almond milk latte.  Oooo brain wave, I know what to ask for graduation gift – espresso machine.

4. What can you teach somebody in 5 minutes that could help enrich their life?
 

 Depends on the person – the value of a meditative space (running, yoga) – find a rhythm of life and grow that.  Or it might be as simple as showing them the beauty of a certain fruit/veg – how easy home cooking is... I think that the cooking is something I’m passionate about, I’m tired of hearing of people who say “I can’t cook” – BS!

5. Who does your inner monologue voice? Why him/her?
 

 Me – I know narcissistic, maybe it’s my other Gemini side, it’s more like a consistent note this moment, that would be great in a book, did you notice that, did you see that, slow down etc 

6. Do you believe in destiny?
 

 I don’t know if I believe in a Shakespearean like fate, actually correction I do not believe in that kind of fate, I do however believe there is no such thing as coincidence, there is a reason for each event.

7. Where did you think your previous reincarnated self came from (place/time/any other specifics you can add would also be very helpful)?
 

 I don’t believe in previous selves, though I have to say I do feel close to the Yiddish culture of the Askanahazi Jews 

8. What is the one smell you hate the most in this world? It's antithesis?
 

 Fermented body waste – I would say the smell of the bilge in a boat, or the squatty potty’s I have had to use elsewhere in the world would be up there.

Summer nights are close to the top, there are other moments that smell lovely but I would say the soft floral/fresh grass/fresh rain smell

9. Make up a novel word and define it, please?
 

 Blerg this frustrates me – I prefer the Rushdie like smushing of a string of commonly used words together and calling it a word, but for the sake of “unique-ness” I would say :

Bella-itis: def. a sickness, onset post completion Twilight saga, symptoms are similar to “hystaria,” “weakness” “fainting” of previous generations.  Wears off in a few weeks, hopefully

10. Favorite time of the day/night? ,
 

 Night in the summer, Day if you freaking get it up here in the winter.

11. If you could bring a literary character to life, who would it be?

Jane Eyre – yes a tortured life, but hell mine hasn’t been much cheery-er and she gets the love of her life.  I think she’d been a great person to have tea with

12. What do you think makes you weird in the eyes of others?
 

 Lots – I’m down with the weird factor.

13. What's the most recent item you've crossed out from your bucket list?
 

 Nothing, I put the list on hold, though I will say enrolling in my last undergrad class helps get me moving forward

14. Tell me about your most recent artistic exploit/project if any?
 

 English paper – swa-weet, or not.  I think that’s where the energy is going

15. What's your recurring dream about?
 

 Work, always work, something to do with work

16. Which writing implement are you most fond of (e.g. my personal choice = Pilot Precise V5RT black ink)?
 

 Pilot G-TEC-C4 black or this random no-name pen I picked up at the local pharmacy – it has good ink flow that dries fast – great for note taking

17. What was your most perfect day?

Depends on the time of year, or where I am at in life but roughly

1. Early-ish rise – like 8am
2. Yoga class or Run
3. Breakfast – lush and filling
4. Shower (we will assume the house is clean – this would be where that would fit in)
5. Road trip to Granville Island or somewhere local
6. Buy lunch (eat on the dock) and makings for dinner from the market (GI has an amazing selection)
7. Buy flowers there too – I adore fresh flowers
8. Stop at McLeod’s on the way home – used bookstore –dive through the chaos of piles to re-fill my shelves, find treasures
9. Nap
10.  Make a great dinner of seafood (prefered)
11.  Sit on the back step and enjoy the setting sun, feet on warm cement etc

18. If you could emulate one person, who would it be? Are you actively trying to emulate them now?
 

 Depends – I would love to be Dita von Teese for a day, I am constantly told I emulate Martha Stewart.  I would rather be a combination of people

19. What would you like your epitaph to say about you?
 

 Left the world well fed with food for spirit, mind and body

20. You've lived a full and for the most part, a wonderful life. You've written your will, said your goodbyes, made your peace with your enemies, and made love with the love of your life. Now all that's left is for you to have your last meal. What would it be?

Perogies (cottage cheese filled) just the way Grandma makes them, Rempel’s sausage and gravy.  Hell I don’t have to worry about what any of that will do to my system.  The finish it with coffee and roll kuchen (fried pastry) dipped in homemade sour cherry jam.

I Need to Rant - So Please Excuse Me

You may or may not understand what I am about to unload from my brain, so that I can sleep since running at this hour is not an option.

I just returned from an incredibly frustrating English class, to the point where one I feel like I need a drink and two I realized that I really don't want to continue in this environment. There is a young person (I use that term as I know to gender this person would offend them) who sees the world from their own personal space and believes that it is the moral high ground even though they them-self contends there is no such thing as right/wrong or good/evil. Oy, I hope you see where I am going...

We were watching the BBC version of Othello, where the director contended that it was of no significance to have Anthony Hopkins in black-face as race in the play was of no significance.  Now, Shakespeare's time - "white" men played all the roles including women and characters of other ethnic/racial backgrounds - so yes black-face as we call it now is "acceptable."  And no as an aside I'm not going to rant about whether race is important in Othello because it is dammit.  This person argued that race is a social construction and so the issue of black-face isn't an issue, rather we should take issue with the racialization of Othello as it is in the BBC version, as after all one person should not be the focus of a discussion of race and on and on... and then they proceed to insult the class where there might be proposed justification for said "black-face" or calls for an actor of any "Moorish" decent (if you have questions I can unpack this)... Um actually it's an issue in two parts, while "black-face" in a Shakespearean context is understandable presently to do so is beyond inappropriate, as such an actor of a "Moor" decent should play the part I don't care how amazing Anthony Hopkins was.  But you know the part about minimizing the importance of race/racial identity (follow by the insult) is what got me.  Within a NA context it's hugely import, a whole social movement was based on it, and while you might argue it's a social construct, people don't die for a social construct, they die because as generations of African decent writers have stated it is a personal, integral identity which has repeated been preyed upon, we've forced passing, we've used black-face to mock and stereo-type and while in your precious there are no definers because of your "I view the world that way," unfortunately that isn't how it is.   BLERG.  Yes eloquent I know but BLERG BLERG BLERG, gosh darn it person someone will deflate your I'm more liberal thus more intellectual/liberated etc than you reasoning, hopefully soon.

On that note, dear Zora Neale Hurston you're next on my reading list.  Check her out, she's influential in the maintenance of myth/oral culture in African-American literature and she was a founder of the Harlem Renaissance - one of the first moments in American History where A-A literature found it's own voice and broke out, before MLK.

Hot Hot Heat and Advice

It's a tad warm around these parts, to the point where I decided to be all cultural and siesta and found myself fused with my sheets, via drool and sweat despite having a fan... I also spent the greater part of the afternoon/evening in the kitchen prepping for tomorrow's jaunt off to the islands with Ms. J and PU. If you are curious pulled pork, slaw, watermelon and guacamole are on the menu.  I try to make sure my peeps eat the best I can offer... speaking of which I made GF/DF cupcakes (w/pink icing) for Ms. J's belated b-day celebrations.

But that isn't really life altering.  Today I had a lunch meeting with my friend/pastor/adviser/mentor of nearly 10 years (eek time goes by fast these days).  We discussed my life, my dreams, my finances and the road towards whatever my future is... he feels that my desire to get an MCS Interdisciplinary might no prove fruitful for applying for PhD programs.  However I realized in our discussion that I believe strongly that I should apply regardless because it's what I need.  I need to keep growing into me before I believe I can tackle dreams like writing a novel, speaking publicly about the past events in my life and just really moving forward with confidence... so that is the goal.  It is one I am open to changing, but right now in all practical senses working off all my debt, even saving, and going to school next May seems like the best option.  We'll see if this is my "reboot" moment - but before we get there I need to skip off to my paper.  Night

PS I love, love, love this woman, even more so in the dying light of warm summer nights:

Tattoo

I have been strongly considering getting some new ink on my back... and since that is a permanent process I start playing with ideas long in advance of the actual process, this allows me to sit with a concept for a while before it's formalized.

So what do I have in mind?  I would like a tree on my back ending below my bra line (so from there down),  it is an image I have wanted for a long time - though how it looks has changed over the years.  I would really like to have an new tree growing out of a stump - a new life from the old dead life.  But I'm not opposed to even a sense of whimsy like a swing. 

Some ideas:

Photo

Photo


Or this idea which I think might be a fabulous alternative - I would pick a sparrow instead of bird chosen...

Or this:

Photo:

So there are some ideas - I would prefer the element of life, so we'll just have to keep looking and thinking...

A Little Boy Update

I saw (in passing) BV last weekend and it got me started on the flashback (cue the ripple in the screen) and the need for an update

AB: Went to Vegas last weekend, and while I'm praying what happening in Vegas doesn't stay there and he brings something back a little more permanent than a Vegas marriage, who knows.  If he did get hitched I would be interested in meeting her - must be one classy lady

AL: Makes my head hurt, he is so personally conflicted that I don't even bother to deal with all that

BB: Has a plane ticket booked out of here - yes I will officially loose my creepy back hug, but free Americano guy...one more reason to keep up my making coffee at home.

BV: Kind of creeps me out, I have to say he permanently scared me with the side hug, to be honest I think despite the scars he also lost all respect for me to the point I giggle (on the inside) when I see him.

CEF: Let's just say the less I know the happier I am

MW: We keep things as kosher as possible I try to put the kibosh on any type of innuendo, I just can't
stomach going down that road.

NN: For someone who lives in my neighbourhood I never see him, though his FB indicates he's found someone which is great, given he was dumped a week before the alter... it's good to know he kept up hope.

OM: Lordy lordy look who's stuffed himself further in the closet... he's dating a great lady who is about as non-ladylike (by social standards) as they come.  So hell if that makes him happy, GREAT! It just makes me so confused.  I'm not sure if it does solidify my opinion he's a total closet case or maybe at *cough* 40 *cough* he found that he would rather have a woman who wears no makeup, dresses/skirts/feminine-like attire and thinks that an awesome vacation is a week of hiking without a shower.  Maybe I was the straw the broke the whole 50's housewife ideal.  Now I'm no 50's hausfrau, but I really appreciate bathing, liquid black eyeliner, rollers, seamed stockings and skirts.

I digress, I digress.  No new ones to add to the list, and you know what? I'm okay with that because I WILL NOT bow to Mr. Bombastic's attempts to flirt with me, dude I thought about teasing you, but I'm just going to build on my dignity and shut you down now.

The photo?  It's my visual interpretation of what kind of manifestation of the 50's aesthetic I am... and again no it's not me.

I Give You Permission

To raise your hand against me, or groan or something of that nature... I have re-evaluated my plans - again.  It would help if I paused for one hot second in all this, but blerg (Ms. J's term) why would I do such a rational thing...  I have apparently missed the Winter enrollment date.  I can apply for late enrollment, however I'm not eligible for any financial aid then.  I would also need to get all my references together by the end of this week along with my transcripts.

So I have paused and have considered this, I enroll for the Summer semester (starts May 2011), I can apply for financial aid, I also give myself another 4 full months of employment by which to completely pay off my previous student debt and maybe even save up for a trip with Ms. J or to friends (West Palm or Philly) or a race (this one specifically) or even a sofa.  I need a new sofa, bookshelves (I don't think you want to see what my floor has turned into)... anyways so there you have it - more changes.

On a happier note, I received my draft proposal back with positive reviews (yay my brain), and I'm going to be spending the weekend with Ms. J's family on their boat - yay for vay-cay!!

Be Patient

I know this music selection might seem a little off let me explain that I have always liked Emimen (in part), there is a lot that I don't appreciate.  While I might have appreciated his products post-8 mile, I love this song.  There is something about seeing the growth/maturity in someone who has made negative choices in their life.  Good job - hopefully he'll inspire our lost generations of men to not be afraid of challenges and responsibility:



PS It makes really good writing music.

Paper Time!

Before I start on my proposal/paper I feel like I have an obligation to show you:

Bookshelf P_rn

I think you can all figure out the missing vowel in the above word I omitted lest anyone get offended.  It has nothing to do with people, just an amazing plethora of pictures that for some of us might insight feeling of bliss, joy or a certain O word. 

Photo: http://bookshelfporn.com/post/68112678