I Need a Time Out or Something

I've been having a bit of an emotional meltdown these days and I know it will pass, it always does... I must confess I've been having the why am I single feelings...

They seem more complicated this time around - I've been trying to block out the irrational nature of LG's break up with me - the words that my life is too much for him to handle - I know it doesn't but it feels like it right now, that I'm just too broken/messy/too too much for anyone... I able to acknowledge that this feeling is being fuelled by CG and more so the article/mini-film I am going to be apart of for a local major newspaper about my PTSD.

Granted he may never read it (though our office does get that newspaper), but there is a very likely possibility that he's not interested in me or we are compatible... so what right?

And of course it seems like the annual wedding-a-thon has descended on Twitter and FB and I want to be happy for everyone, I am, but you know, and at the same time I'm so thankful for where I am.

Conflicted much?

I am kind of relishing all the things that I'm learning and witnessing in my life but even more so in my friends. I have so much to be thankful for - so on that note can someone I love get engaged, that would be great, I can just live vicariously through you.

I cannot find something that fits my mood so here is something from current search for more running music:

The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

*Mumble* Bumble

I walked into the lunch room at work today stuffed up and well into that zombie fatigue head space that comes with colds and who is there?

You're not normally here on Monday I managed to bumble out, while trying to ensure my face didn't look shocked or excited - you know something like "normal." I wasn't too successful I'm sure but he didn't fair better as he tried to respond with his mouth full, who startled who, I guess. He left and then returned and we talked a little before his meeting. I messaged AE afterward, that I just don't get it. I mean men say that women have this amazing power over them but in those moments, like in the kitchen, when he leaves and I try and catch my breath while wanting him to come back I wonder who has the power? Is it even about having or claiming power?

Regardless of whatever occurs, he's genuinely nice and caring and attentive and those are all qualities I will affirm as good for friendship or otherwise. Right? We shan't be planning a MDiv power couple or anything like that now, right? Seriously I'm not because maybe ironically while he may be wonderful in all the ways I know to this point, I am not sure given everything in my life that I'm thrilled with the idea of considering a relationship with a counsellor. I don't know if I want to find myself wondering or asking, so who am I talking with right now? The counsellor or the friend?

Some of this I am sure will be cleared or aired if an article I've been interviewed for sees the light of day. Correction, the article for sure will, the percentage that I will be in it, remains to be seen and what was recorded recounted my adult life, with appropriate details removed, like other people's names, like LG with whom I had my latest moment of PTSD

Light and fluffy, light and fluffy. Speaking of fluffy...

Mini Kermit Flails

1. X's birthday gift came this week for me and he picked (without my help) my favourite books from Out of Print - I get to rep for Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and 1984/Library cards.

2. Sam Smith's album was released - to me he's a male Adele and it somehow works really well because he has found a way to walk the "I love you" or "I hate you" line with honesty and sincerity that I find male artists outside of the folk genre don't do well.

3. I've been looking forward to talking with my male co-worker - which may just because he's funny, warm and friendly, I mean those are normally awesome people to talk with. However, today I ran into him when I left the ladies bathroom. Actually, truthfully I could have stayed in the bathroom until he left because I could hear him outside, BUT why would I do that? I happened to be in my running gear (I've been running home, so everyone in my office has seen me in a short running skirt and top combo for the last 3 weeks) and he stopped me, put his hand on my shoulder momentarily and then said, I'm making him feel bad about not being in shape and he's going to get on that and once he's in shape we'll go for a run together. I agreed, because, BECAUSE, and of course because being friendly and flirting is a line we're actively blurring at the moment, I promised to make sure it was an easy run.

Guess who has a greater running motivation than the half and full marathon's she's signed up for?

Are we going to get ahead of ourselves? Not really because he's in the middle of finishing his thesis and in a position of authority and I'm summer staff. I'm not interested in screwing with his life or mine for that matter for the next few months. But stay turned... I guess this means he'll need a label which is better than co-worker dude right? 

Hrmmm

So I've discovered something interesting that should have been obvious and I'm not sure what to do with it.

I was mentioning a new male co-worker to the roommate and she noted that I seem to be attracted to smart friendly guys. Okay so this is likely the case, but the good Lord knows I have seemed to aside from X failed miserably at dating this type. Maybe because they friend zone themselves as fast as I friend zone them? I'm not sure. This guy is fascinating, maybe in part because I've really never worked in an office where there have been available men (dating patients was not okay), but who knows. He's has two Masters degrees and is funny and maybe even flirty. So yes that's the new job.

On another note the roommate also thinks that X and I should stop being friends and just get back on the relationship roller coaster. Sure if you can find us a job in the same city maybe we can talk about that idea... until then NOPE.

But this all may be the wine talking...

On another note I recently purchased Miranda Lambert's new album along with Sam Smith's - they're like emotional polar opposites.

This song makes me want to dye my hair platinum again.... but I'd have to hack it all off too and I don't think I can do that quite yet. oops, apparently the wine did get to my head - here's the proper video