We're Getting All Rebellious In Here

This post might be a bit hard to understand but I'll do my best to explain where I am coming from. I was raised in a family that took certain aspects of their ethnic/religious group/religious beliefs to what some would consider extremes. One such "extreme," dancing was and still is strictly verboten (forbidden).

While there are some religious circles who believe dancing leads to sex, Mennonites seem to believe that sex leads to dancing, which is to say that it is the worst possible activity a single 31 year old woman could be engaging in, even if she was, as I was last night, very clothed.

I still remember my mother's reaction when at 13 she found out that I had been to a lunch time dance that our public school put on (truth be told I'd been to a few of them before she found out about that one). But a 12 or 13 year old's awkward swaying most often at arms length was nothing really and if anything when I look back on it, it wasn't a place for me. That is not reflective of any faith values, but more so being the awkward nerdy plus sized kid that I was with little to no self esteem and no support network, I was easy pickings for being teased and being groped. Let us be honest, regardless of how curvy I might have been I was the only girl in our class with breasts, like real full on breasts and I had had them for a while. Everyone knew it and I knew everyone did. And so when my mother declared that I had seriously transgressed an boundary I was perfectly fine with getting my insecure ass back on the "right side" of it and staying there.

Interestingly our grade 12 grad, non-school sanctioned because there was dancing, boat cruise played out in much the same way, though there was a little more girls dancing with girls. In the end one of my classmates still thought my ass was the best place for his hands and that soured the night.

I have had roommates and even a boss try to get me on the dance floor in various situations, even in East Indian weddings where even the bride joked that I just needed to "open the door" and "screw in the light bulb."

Stepping on to a dance floor as I realized walking home last night was a space I never felt safe in, not so much about the groping and the grinding but more so me. Stepping on to a dance floor meant that I truly needed to be okay with me. I needed to know that I was okay, awkward or not awkward, chubby or curvy and well spanxed, that I, me, this person, in this body was okay and even more mind bending for me worth acknowledging in a celebratory fashion. That I needed to be able embrace a kind of freedom I'm not sure I ever would have been really ready to embrace. But like those things in life that I don't feel ready to embrace there comes a time when I receive the necessary kick in the ass to make me realize I was ready.

I was finally ready last night and it might have been awkward, it might still be awkward from now until the last time I step on a dance floor but you know what, I'm okay with that, even if I'm not sure about some of the song selections.

Thanks to KAB and AE I crossed a major life threshold and we had fun doing it.

One of the songs it is no secret that I do and will always love:

Well Because...

I assume you're wanting a change in topic, someone I am sure has been praying for a change in topic because I have a change in topic.

You prayed for it and it happened - but next time maybe pray a little bigger or maybe for ME because it seems that the guy from eHarmony who was absolutely lovely, wonderful, and I could gush but was also a quad and it just wasn't quite right and then he was moving etc... you know the story. Well he emailed me tonight to tell me he's found an amazing woman and he wants to stay friends. But you know what I'm crazy happy for him and not just because I don't have to figure out that relationship with my shrink in the morning. Like I'm genuinely happy because NLLL it there needs to be far more love going around - good, happy, rich life affirming love and if someone else is getting it in a heavier dose then I am I say YAY, go for it. There is no NLLL reason (unless it is unethical) that I'm going to go bursting anyone's bubbles.

So there you have it - happiness! Yay and I might also be happy because completely random I found a journal publication completely devoted to Feminist Anabaptist Hermeneutic - and yes I did this in the library when I found it (quietly of course), I can follow some library rules, just not the ones about coffee.

with maybe a little of this because I would fan girl over him, I'm not going to lie

It Seems I Am Conflicted

And surprise, well surprise to me, it isn't about the person I have spent the majority of the last few years writing about, actually that's not true it seems...

It seems I have spent a lot of time whining about the Douche. A LOT. Hrmmm.

And it seems I've oscillated between blinding stabbing rage posts to questions about being possibly afflicted with Stockholm syndrome.  This man has gotten under my skin without me really being aware of it. I was aware he annoyed me but it seems annoyance and attraction are trying to pull some kind of blurred-lines-bait-and-switch thing.

Here is the problem I am now faced with, now that I'm aware that once I clearly saw myself on one side of this fence that apparently I'm perched on it, and even worse I'm not sure where to go. Yes KAB would say that this is a sign that truly I have lost my marbles as she wouldn't say what I would say as she is far classier. So what am I going to do.

Nothing.

Seriously.

I am serious.

I know he's in going through things that would make dating not feasible - and yes I know starting with that point is making KAB squirm. Actually more to the present issue, his emotions for whatever reason effect me, a lot and I am not sure how to explain why or how. It sounds hokey to say I read people and I'm normally pretty good, I'm not suggesting an average but the majority. He apparently I can read really well because he's not attempting to hide his emotions. Most people would think that his daily "Hi" is roughly the same from day to day. I don't see that and most often that comes out as me being pissed with him for his dramatic to me oscillations, but now the problem is, the converse for me, is wanting to care.

I do not want to care because I cannot. I can care for a lot of people and love people and pour into people going through rough spots and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is in our Friday conversation he opened up and yet he didn't. There was a wall, a big one, and I'm sane enough to not think that if I sit long enough on the world side of that wall that eventually he'll think about dismantling it. Sure I might try the occasional knock when I sense that he's having a better day than the usual grumpy days.

So what does this all mean?

Patience.

I'm trying to sort out the feelings where they belong while trying to not, as I said to Ms. J yesterday, punch the next person who suggests we like each other. I have no desire for a Mr. Darcy-Elizabeth show down unless it comes with Matthew Macfadyen

And So It Went Down...

Against my normal policy of keeping explicitly grounded in real life, aka as things that cannot be blurred off the blog, I am going to post the FB discussion.

I will preface this as an example where I should have a tired-alyzer along with a breathalyzer for my laptop because 11pm is not the time I should be writing messages as I am likely not to filter myself when I really, really should because re-reading this all I can think is I sound like this:

D,

I would like to be able to resolve something that has been bothering me, now I might be interpreting things wrong, but I feel as though I have at some point done something to upset you because despite my best efforts to be intentionally cordial I keep receiving feedback that appears to be annoyance and at times disdain. Please let me know if I have done something so that I may be able to address it, if I'm just interpreting things incorrectly you can just ignore this and I will do my best to adjust.

 S&P

Hi S&P,

Thanks for making me aware of this. I'm sorry that somehow I've conveyed to you a sense of annoyance and disdain. Those are heavy words! I assure you, there is no such sentiment on my register towards you! As a rule for myself, I would rather talk about these kinds of issues in person. I looked for you around campus today, but must have missed you. Will you be on the retreat this weekend? I would much rather assure verbally than via FB.

 Best, D

The conversation settled on us meeting for coffee this morning at 9am which was totally ironic because as X will tell you I can be a raving b*tch without caffeine. I arrived without coffee or even food in my system because of course I wanted to up-chuck, I hate conflict, especially conflict with a guy.

We arrived at the same time and had shockingly probably the most light but personal conversation we have ever had, involving the realization that I've been intuitive but not quite. I have been picking up appropriately on his angst and pissy mood but they were directed at the world and not me and a being super sensitive ISFJ I just happen to be taking it personal.

So where are we at? He's going to still be the Douche and I'm going to try and be friendly while keeping in mind that any time I get his frosty attitude that it isn't personal - so that's sort of a resolution, right? Probably not now I am trying to beat back the part of me that care and wants to help him. I need that like (my head in a whole versus the alternative):

So that's where things are...

Temptation

I have been tempted since the episode where I discovered the Douche had purchased the locker above mine when in theory he did have choice to where he could have gone (I wasn't there at the moment of purchase, he could have been fatefully been given it, though there was an option given to pick), to once and for all clear the air. I'm tired of trying to be sweet and perky in the hopes of whatever transgression I might have caused being mitigated but frankly I'm tired of it and I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells which I'm beginning to wonder and now assume are in my imagination and he either doesn't care or is just going to always be in my understanding of his interactions an NLLL-hole.

Stay tuned.

And while you're waiting consider this (but not you KAB) since I cannot find any other songs to fit this topic other than the best song of all on this issue and yes I know this is a cover: