Oh for F-Sake

I swore I would never be that girl - never really have been in the last 3 years or honestly since high school - the avoider.  Sure I might be able to crush Directory Boy in a heartbeat but he's obviously got some kind of temporary kryptonite hold on me.  You know what - that makes me angry, frustrated and not in the good kind of way - well maybe in that way too.  It made me jealous today.  Good grief - the world is officially coming to an end.  I have really lost my sh*t.  Sorry folks - but I feel that if I document this, when I am drooling over myself in medical facility at least you will know that graduate school brought me to the brink and Directory Boy pushed me over.

While not an entirely accurate song - I do like it and it sort of works, I think - the L word though definitely doesn't apply.

Oops

Okay so what started as a simple FB question has morphed into an essay-a-thon with Directory Boy.  A boy I might add that I've spoken to for all of like 10 minutes in person - knows like a date or two date's worth of information from me over FB.  I've kept it as light and fluffy as there is no sense getting into anything he can't just ask me in person.  I cannot say that it's do anything for him though - he seems sweet but he's the kind of man we (I or any of my female friends) could eat for breakfast, post coffee intake.  We aren't mean, we aren't b*tches, we're just well strong willed.  I need a man with backbone and an ability to handle my me-ness. X could totally do this - Directory Boy as it stands sure as hell has only his abs going for him... hmpf.

I May Have Shamelessly Offered My Cooking to Directory Boy

Okay so housekeeping first - Directory Boy needs a better initial set up because DB is already taken on the list.  So just a note, so it doesn't confuse y'all we'll call him by his full name for now.

So while we might cross off him off the list of potentials - and I'm fine with that - I must admit that I did offer him some home cooking.  We just happen to be from the same randomly small ethnic group - and it has some unique-ish food.   I was a little reluctant at first to throw it out there - but I did.  So who knows.  But yep, I've become the woman who shamelessly whores out her cooking in the hopes of snagging a man.  Heck what else can I do, it's not really a program where I can just roll up my kilt, like I could in high school... not that I did that either, kind of smacks of desperation.  Ah who am I kidding offering out non-beet borscht also sort of smacks of that too, without the necessary leg shaving.

Maybe You Can Find a Cutie in the Grocery Store

Yesterday I schlepped off to the grocery store to pick up some food since the shelves around here are getting a little empty.  Of course it was pouring and so regardless of the fact that I needed to shower - I opted to just smack my signature eye liner on and head off - bed head in tow.  Of course this is the day that a cute East side boy with manners would be in the isles of our local market.   Well the good ones are taken for good reasons - and I'm sure he was off the market, or shopping another one all together.  Regardless, I just needed the smile - a remember that while Directory Boy might like them all model looking, that I'm not alone in the whole wide world of single women of respectable and worthy quality.  Heck I live with a woman who should have a line up around the block for her -and she's more single than I am.

So yep - I might have a little pep in my step - so to the boys of this world - smile occasionally, even if you have no intention of dating or even like my gender, it reminds the other half of humanity that there is life out there.

And before I get chewed out for not chatting up the boy - I put an I Saw You on Craigslist acknowledging his manners - if he wants to say hi he can.   But acknowledging good behavior is more important to me right now.

Cross off Directory Boy

BFF wants to keep him on the list - but I am going to be really practical here - he just went surfing on the island with two tall thin athletic gorgeous women.  I would never in a million years try to compete with them.  Hold on I'm not saying I'm chopped liver (seriously stuff kind of tastes okay in pate form), I am me - fabulous but shorter, curvy and athletic.  I'm also realizing not to sell myself as brash, but I'm probably one of the most "worldly" of my graduate school counterparts - I'm not as I stand packaged - or ever will be for that matter, suitable for meekness.  I am more the girl who you avoid getting liquor into because after more than a decade in the health care industry there is no such thing as that's "too personal" for me or the person I'm asking.  Yes I'm trying to change that - but being honest - I think the world needs more people who are okay with their bodies and their crazy lives.   For example, it seems people still get squeamish when I say my parents are divorced.  Divorce happens for a variety of reasons.  My parents are the kind of divorced people who don't like each other - but still think Christmas together is worth a go.  Yes because Christmas when you were married was so bloody successful.   I hope you all see know why it took the last 3 years of no holidays with family to not be a crunchy old fart when this season rolled around.

So bottom line - I have a NLLL load of stuff to do - and I am going to start with re-watching The Silence of the Lambs and before you ask it's for my film class.  I figure if I watch it in the morning, Rachel Getting Married about lunch time and the Philadelphia before bed - crying myself to sleep might actually be therapeutic.  Why I picked a director with such emotional movies for me I have no idea. Seriously I should have picked John Hughes.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davescunningplan/2681546397/lightbox/

Oh Boy

So the hunt for a husband seems to have started again - not for me, but for my friends on my behalf.  Not so sure but whatever, I've been known to pity date, so why not humor my friends?  So Directory Boy, that's what we'll call him for now, sent me a message on FB yesterday after I commented on his wall.  I had a polite exchange with a friend of his about a video she posted.  Seriously I saw and felt no ruffled feathers - not even remotely - then again I dealt with psycho parents for the last decade so my meter for conflict is probably so busted it isn't funny. So he profusely apologized about her behaviour and didn't want me to be upset. 

Awww, right? No not really.  Why?  Because while I think that manners are gone by the wayside, I do think that a woman needs to know how to defend herself.  I'm not fragile.  Good gracious let's be honest we know some days I'm sure I could out cuss the average male.   I responded as politely as I could without saying that I could in fact out cuss him and he shouldn't be worried about my delicate nature because I'm a tough cookie.  No sense ruining him for someone soft and gentle.  

So that's my little update on him.  Why must all the boys seem so meek?

A Little More Human

I feel a little more like a human - I had dinner with Ms. J last night, I made caramel popcorn for the roommate and I just finished of the first book in the Hunger Games trilogy.  I forgot how much a junky novel makes me feel better.  I know that makes me sound like a lit snob, and I'm sorry, but for me it's an activity I like (reading) where I get to check the analytical part at the door and enjoy the process.

So now that I feel human I'm going to try and do a little update of sorts.  BFF came over on Friday because we opted against a snowy 6 am run and she had a look through our school directory.  A directory that the school jokes is how you hunt down your future spouse.  Well it got handed out on Tuesday and sure enough Wednesday someone had their first encounter post directory. Who? Me?! Yes me, I was actually dumbfounded by the whole thing and slightly embarassed.  But it's not to say I didn't sort of do the same thing on Friday I thrusted the directory at BFF and told her to pick out a husband.  Sure enough she picked the guy who said hi on Wednesday and a good friend of mine.  The friend is no an option because we're just friends.  And as for the mystery man - you now I'm going to say I'm hesitant.  There was a time in my life that a man like him on paper would have sent me over the edge gushing with excitment.  Now - well I'm realizing that in getting older and spending more time with me - getting to figure out what it is to be me - he's not all that appealing.  I cannot be the source of life in the relationship - it is not a role that an intervert can carry with any direction or certainity. At this point he's more interverted than me and that is not winning him any points.

But that's enough of all that - I would like to introduce you to PhD comics - my new source of sad yet funny humor

Exhaustion

I'm at the point in the semester where I think I could sleep for a month and not feel any more human.  That being said I'm trying to give myself a conscious go at the being better to me business because this is still the early stage of the race.

On the upside I bought Christmas cards - I figure if I start now I can actually get them out to all the people I want to.

That's about it - sorry y'all.  I promise I will let you know when something new and exciting happens - like I might be interviewing a cinematographer for my film theology class since he worked with the director I'm writing my long paper on.

Life is Funny

As of Thursday I hadn't seen Mr Beer Man anywhere else on campus and today he's everywhere and he has a real name - not that that matters - he has no FB.  Seriously men, get FB.  It's a necessary recognizance tool.  But whatever - because well I don't have time for him or anyone - even myself it seems.  I finally went for one of the first solo runs of this semester yesterday.  Crazy I know.  I forgot how amazing it feels to just do a 3 mile lung burner - just put it out there and then come home and fling myself in various ways over my BOSU ball.  Sweat is a good thing. Another good thing - new music.  Florence + the Machine and the Fray both have new music.  Thank freaking goodness.  On that update like note - the Fray.  Now back to my regular scheduled program of getting papers done!  Woot me.

Damn You Celiac

It's one of those ask and ye shall sort of receive moments.  I was slaving away in the library last night, and I was trying to find out how to bail on the dinner plans I had agreed to since all I wanted to do was sleep.  But instead I hauled my ass and all my bags down to the local pub.  I being late got shoved on the end of the table - fair enough.  Well actually lucky me - a guy who is apparently in my program, also in his first year (could have fooled me), sat down next to me.  Well this is where I want to curse my inability to drink beer.  He offered to buy a pitcher for us to share (has a Tennessee accent - darn accents...).  I polietely as possible declined ordering my usual Cranberry and Vodka.   He seemingly dejected or unsure, moved along the table when the opportunity arose.

I'm not going to assume anything will come of it since we don't seem to cross paths at all during our classes.  But it makes me wonder - to my few readers out there, how to you negotiate food issues without coming across high maintenence or picky.  It might just be me feeling sensitive, but I don't like being signalled out for something I didn't chose.  When I was a vegan I had no problme with declaring it, but now I feel like it's one more label I'm schleping around with me that gives a guy an excuse not to like me.

In case you're wondering I don't even remember his name - nor does it seem that he has FB, so I can't even stalk him... don't judge I know you've done it too.

Correction

Actually I do want to date - if said date gives me a reason to shave my legs and wear a skirt/dress and heels.  I miss feeling like a lady.  That is all. Seriously who wouldn't want an excuse to wear these gorgeous shoes or something like them - since buying them is obviously not an option...

Lonely

While honestly I'm too tired or hungry or even busy to be lonely, it seems to be the biggest void in my life at the moment.  I feel like in the last two months I've found the insight into why undergrads can have a tendency to shag an entire dorm floor or what have you.  There is a huge need for affirmation - in any form in the chaos, uncertainty and stress.  There is no amount of personal comfort solutions (whatever those might be for you) that fill the void of a snuggle with a man you love and snuggles also mean a relationship and seriously I have zero desire for that.

I will not say that there aren't nice males here -sure there are - but I have no desire to schlep any of them into my love triangle of still loving X and knowing that while I can keep loving him, in doing so prevents me from genuinely loving someone else, and moving on feels like I am closing a door on X and I don't want to do that.  Yes I have myself in a huge pickle.  Let's ignore that pickle for a moment.  Basically I want intimacy and I know I cannot get it anywhere - this is grand!.

So I'm stuck - and I feel like I'm loosing my mojo because of this stress.  If life was a romantic comedy a male from the other side of the library would pass by and well alas I'm not going to finish that statement as that's another pickle and that pickle is in the library and so am I.

Actually correction - I am going to tell you about that pickle since N found it so hilarious she almost fell over with laughter while we were running.   About two weeks ago Sunday, my PU and I were about to sit down when I recognized the Pickle* at the other end of the pew.  We said our hi's and explained and yadda yadda.  Well Pickle was next to a little toddler who sits with her mom in front of us every Sunday (Pickle rents a room from them it turns out).  Well my PU seeing Pickle with a cute little toddler - glommed onto him after the service while I talked to an old middle school friend I hadn't seen in years.  After we left I got a huge run down on Pickle's life - my PU knew more than I had learned in the last two months, and it was a specific list.  Did you know Pickle likes to drink kale smoothies?  No, no I didn't.  I could see that he had sussed out Pickle.  Seriously my father was trying to scooch me off to another man!  Here's the deal - Pickle is nice and all - but we are SO different and beyond that he's younger - much younger.  I am not prepared to apply for my cougar ticket yet, I refuse.  When I saw Pickle in the library after the event I apologized as I was mortified that there might have been some goats or sheep transactions for my hand or something already.  So ya - I'm lonely but fine with not dating... so does not make sense to me.

* Yes I realize this is a rather unfortunate name.

Stress you are stressing me out!

Stress does weird things to me. Namely it NLLL with my food cravings - derailing a weekend worth of work in meal preparation - I cannot stomach any of it and even worse it makes me want to make out with someone - well not just anyone, but someone or a replacement lesser someone, since X is not around.  Just a good snog, nothing more needed, no emotional attachment.  Bizarre yes.  I completely get it's weird but some part of my brain is like if you just could find someone to scratch that itch you'd be able to focus on your Celtic history.  Seriously I know that's the sleep and stress seriously NLLL-ing with me but it's not that I would turn it down.

Good gracious that sounds really desperate - thanks a lot graduate school for making me a horny mess - but thanks graduate school for being so small that I wouldn't be able to return tomorrow if I acted on my brain issues.  That being said if you know where I am and want to hunt me down, I'm good to go, nothing funky for lunch was had, and I'm a habitual gum chewer...