Memories

I deleted my Myspace account last week.  I cannot explain why but I felt like the time had come for me to separate myself from it - from it and all the memories it brought for me.  It is weird, it is not like I wanted to relive those years - the skinnier years, the more dysfunctional years really any of it.  I had left it thinking that at some point I would want to go back and look at it and I realized as hard as moving forward is and as painful as it can be, the more I can cut the ties with the past the freer I can be in moving forward.

So that's about all that's been going on with me - I've been sick for the past week and now I'm trying to write a paper on sexuality - so it's fun times around these parts.  Oh and I applied for a TAship and I'm trying apply for financial aid.  However, being sick pretty much wiped me out, so now it's Sunday night and I'm trying to do a week's worth of stuff... I'm sure Monday will be fabulous.

Happy Valetines Day!

I may not have a specific special Valentine, BUT I feel it's really important to let you know wherever you are, however you're feeling - YOU ARE LOVED and YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.  Seriously, for reals, I am not joking.  If you're not hitched to someone today it doesn't mean that you cannot give yourself a good dose of compassion, kindness and healthy self care.   And if that doesn't help just remember you're better off than I am - typing this from the graduate school library with a 12 hour  day of classes ahead of me.

On two different note - I did a posting on running and dating and some words of wisdom that I listened to on my commute in this morning.

Non-Date Date?

I had a run scheduled with BWSMU today at 3pm, no big deal right?  Well my stomach sure thought it was a big deal - I have not had butterflies like that in a while. My head and heart just felt conflicted and maybe even convicted.  I've found myself smiling at his texts, and yes sure he's cute but he's well, he's not X.  Fair enough, he doesn't need to be and nor do I want him to be. 

The issue I had was if this is a date, then it's a date and I need to be okay with that and prepared to deal with that, and if it's not which I believe it wasn't then what the hell is my stomach doing?  Am I missing something?  In the end it was as non-date as possible - BWSMU and I didn't hug, we don't even though he does with other female students.  I almost feel like we passed the point a few months ago where we could have instated the hugging and or not.  Now that we've passed that point, it kind of means something now.  Not to mention we were both wet and sweaty - not really the time to hug someone.   So there you have it a pseudo pseudo date and I don't know why I'm confused but I am. 

I found me in shoe form

Seriously you do not understand how much I want these shoes - the only thing that dissuaded me was knowing that in wearing them I would have to explain why I spent two weeks grocery money on shoes.  That decision would make sense to me but I don't know if it would make sense to anyone else... BUT I LOVE THEM!!

Reading Break!

BWSMU it is!  And he's gone MIA again... I really have to say that mixed signals are my biggest frustration, especially with the younger boys...

Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures.  The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.

Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.

Drunk-ish Blogging is...

Way safer than drunk-ish snogging - though arguably less enjoyable. Way less enjoyable...

Though that being said - I had an amazing dinner with Just Sayin' who if you haven't figured out yet is one hell of a woman and friend.

But back to the snogging since well I am sure you're wondering why on Earth I'm blogging instead of making poor judgements right now. Well I could be making poor judgements right about now - see there is this party happening right now, this very moment - on the other side of town - hosted by a few graduate school friends, one of whom I am positive likes me. I've never been sure - to be honest I think I also don't want to be sure - I'm happy living in naive land with him. But if I add up all the little parts him and I are most definitely dancing around the issue either of our own invention or via perceptions. As Ms Raitt suggests you give them something to talk about - I think this boy and I have done that unbeknownst to us - so much so that I was given a little indirect talk by one of his female roommates (he lives in a co-ed community house) - the "you know he's a really great guy talk." And I am damn well old enough to know why that talk gets pulled out. So here I am with a man on the other side of the country I love to bits who well I am trying to get my brain around the fact that he will likely never pop the question, and this boy who well I feel in some respects is still a boy... So why not? Why no poor judgement? Well there are about 50 people in my program, and this guy in question is in almost all my classes and one of my tutorials... so I would have to face him a lot.

Do I give him the incentive he needs to ask me out or do I try and quell it all now, or leave it. I know it's the wine talking but well I still am considering in appropriate things so much so that it is a blessing it is a 45 minute bus ride to his place from mine.

Night y'all - hopefully someone else is misbehaving for me.

Oooo I just about forgot he needs a name - so you can vote

Boy Who Stood Me Up - yes he is the same one

OR

Graduate School Classmate