Trying to Get Back In the Game

A friend of Ms. J's who I've known for a while asked me out informally today - as in a let's go for drinks this week ask out.  I opted not to primarily because I don't know if I have the brain space to carry on a polite conversation as said gentleman, while sweet he is oil to my water or more so gas to my flame.  We argue - he might find it fun, but I find it a challenge to play nice.  While he teases me for being a pessimist, I don't take pride in crushing people's arguments etc.  Anyways I said yes for once school is done.  WHY??!!! Asked my roommate, well because he's the least threatening option.  I'm everything he doesn't want, and sure why the hell not take a round at this dating thing when nothing is at stake. At some point I need to find a way to consistently tell my heart the lie that it doesn't love X, and one day it will actually believe that.

Oh in case you're wondering I opted for no visit from X - I love him but I cannot see him.

He's Moving On?

X may be coming up to visit me in about a month or so for my birthday.  It's a big one *gag.*  It made me realize how much I miss him and conversely how much I don't think I can stand to see him.  Go figure.  He's being stoic or cold or another option - saying that it doesn't bother him, he's okay with everything and me?  I've gone to complete and utter mush - weeping, sobbing mush.  He is currently the one I would move, do whatever for.  I phrase it like that because I know that while he is and will likely in some way always be that person - life doesn't always work out that way.  I want him to be that person.  I want it to work, and yet I wonder, in these talks we have, few and far between with school if he's being able to heal his heart where I haven't.

It's like the repetition of the pain in September, even worse, I feel like cursing that woman out most days for letting him go.  It is my own damn fault, and yes while Ms. J and others say I made the right "grown-up" decision given all our circumstances, it is days like today I don't feel like I want to be a grown up.