A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.
"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."
So the thing is the name is going to stay.
Why?
Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.
The message in case your wondering,
"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."
I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.
I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.
As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.
So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.
And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:
Showing posts with label pseudo dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pseudo dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Friday, December 07, 2012
How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?
I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Save Me From Myself
I am seriously considering asking the Douche out. Pourquoi mon ami? Well basically he's 99% likely to reject me and that's good odds for just getting back in the game. See right now I think I just need to ask someone and he's a safe someone. I know that while he's bitter and rude he's not likely to make a scene and further more he's not a friend like RB so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out. Only problem is I do need to wait until the semester is over and that means I might have to utilize email, which while a media through which sassy messages can be sent, it also can be forwarded and just seem weird. Any way that's where my brain is out at the moment and that scares me, especially given I have not consumed any alcohol.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Hold Up, You WHAT?
RB and I finally talked today after he got his pep talk from his mentor... oh honey it gets better. So apparently he's been "sort of" dating someone for the better part of the year and they just broke up and he's moving on to this new girl.... "Sort of," eh? That's religious boy speak for we hung out, I got what I needed from the relationship but didn't actually commit and therefore didn't have to act like I was in a relationship.
So I call this pseudo dating. And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children. It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).
Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY. It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.
It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.
And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men. So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...
The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling." But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.
*Hebrewisms and the like
Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.
So I call this pseudo dating. And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children. It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).
Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY. It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.
It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.
And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men. So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...
The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling." But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.
*Hebrewisms and the like
Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Trying to Get Back In the Game
A friend of Ms. J's who I've known for a while asked me out informally today - as in a let's go for drinks this week ask out. I opted not to primarily because I don't know if I have the brain space to carry on a polite conversation as said gentleman, while sweet he is oil to my water or more so gas to my flame. We argue - he might find it fun, but I find it a challenge to play nice. While he teases me for being a pessimist, I don't take pride in crushing people's arguments etc. Anyways I said yes for once school is done. WHY??!!! Asked my roommate, well because he's the least threatening option. I'm everything he doesn't want, and sure why the hell not take a round at this dating thing when nothing is at stake. At some point I need to find a way to consistently tell my heart the lie that it doesn't love X, and one day it will actually believe that.
Oh in case you're wondering I opted for no visit from X - I love him but I cannot see him.
Oh in case you're wondering I opted for no visit from X - I love him but I cannot see him.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Non-Date Date?
I had a run scheduled with BWSMU today at 3pm, no big deal right? Well my stomach sure thought it was a big deal - I have not had butterflies like that in a while. My head and heart just felt conflicted and maybe even convicted. I've found myself smiling at his texts, and yes sure he's cute but he's well, he's not X. Fair enough, he doesn't need to be and nor do I want him to be.
The issue I had was if this is a date, then it's a date and I need to be okay with that and prepared to deal with that, and if it's not which I believe it wasn't then what the hell is my stomach doing? Am I missing something? In the end it was as non-date as possible - BWSMU and I didn't hug, we don't even though he does with other female students. I almost feel like we passed the point a few months ago where we could have instated the hugging and or not. Now that we've passed that point, it kind of means something now. Not to mention we were both wet and sweaty - not really the time to hug someone. So there you have it a pseudo pseudo date and I don't know why I'm confused but I am.
The issue I had was if this is a date, then it's a date and I need to be okay with that and prepared to deal with that, and if it's not which I believe it wasn't then what the hell is my stomach doing? Am I missing something? In the end it was as non-date as possible - BWSMU and I didn't hug, we don't even though he does with other female students. I almost feel like we passed the point a few months ago where we could have instated the hugging and or not. Now that we've passed that point, it kind of means something now. Not to mention we were both wet and sweaty - not really the time to hug someone. So there you have it a pseudo pseudo date and I don't know why I'm confused but I am.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Advice to a Younger Me
I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.
My first piece of advice - Date. Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage. I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE. There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you. Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent.
Actually it's incredibly practical.
1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk. You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....
2. It teaches you want is important to you. I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that. But you know what? I REALLY love books. BV didn't like to read. I found that out and the conversations started to fumble. They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job. You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough. I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God. You know what? It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on. And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.
3. It teaches you that you are worthy. In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this. Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords. You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.
4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry. You might be BFF's. But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF. Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter. Seriously. If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.
My first piece of advice - Date. Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage. I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE. There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you. Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent.
Actually it's incredibly practical.
1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk. You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....
2. It teaches you want is important to you. I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that. But you know what? I REALLY love books. BV didn't like to read. I found that out and the conversations started to fumble. They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job. You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough. I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God. You know what? It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on. And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.
3. It teaches you that you are worthy. In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this. Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords. You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.
4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry. You might be BFF's. But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF. Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter. Seriously. If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Nominated!
N nominated me to try out the only "matching" site we've collectively as a building not tried (lots of single "motivated" women around these parts. Of course the minute she suggested that I was trying to figure out how many weeks of running (tanning, primping) it would take before I felt like dating... Let's me honest, it's hard, it's something you feel rusty about.
Soooo... I am notiminating everyone else to help me. That's right you're all going down the rabbit hole of this with me - I need to ensure I have people watching the process. At this point I've picked the site (inferred above).
I need a: "screen name" and SnP is not a choice option. I had considered my Twitter account - but then that is well too traceable. Let me put it this way, I am drawing lines here and now - my personal email, my phone number, Twitter, blogs and Facebook are all not going to shared if I can help it. It is as simple as that. I had to shut down and reorganize my life after CEF, a girl only needs to do that once in her life.
Proposed bio (edited from my "About Me" page which disappeared when I reformatted the blog):
I love: stilettos
I keep: Vodka in the freezer and a Bible in my purse
I read: The Economist and Chaucer
I run: for GF brownies and marathon bliss black toes
I eat: vegan food when I can
I sing to: female singer-songwriters
I sniff: flowers and used books
I know Ms. J will think I'm on something - but here's the deal, this is a complete gamble and something I am deciding if I do is something I'm going to be a relaxed about it as I can. So feedback would be great.
Soooo... I am notiminating everyone else to help me. That's right you're all going down the rabbit hole of this with me - I need to ensure I have people watching the process. At this point I've picked the site (inferred above).
I need a: "screen name" and SnP is not a choice option. I had considered my Twitter account - but then that is well too traceable. Let me put it this way, I am drawing lines here and now - my personal email, my phone number, Twitter, blogs and Facebook are all not going to shared if I can help it. It is as simple as that. I had to shut down and reorganize my life after CEF, a girl only needs to do that once in her life.
Proposed bio (edited from my "About Me" page which disappeared when I reformatted the blog):
I love: stilettos
I keep: Vodka in the freezer and a Bible in my purse
I read: The Economist and Chaucer
I run: for GF brownies and marathon bliss black toes
I eat: vegan food when I can
I sing to: female singer-songwriters
I sniff: flowers and used books
I know Ms. J will think I'm on something - but here's the deal, this is a complete gamble and something I am deciding if I do is something I'm going to be a relaxed about it as I can. So feedback would be great.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Fear Not
I have tried to write this blog a few times, and it might just be the sleep deprivation or the residual smell of the hair spray that is killing off every last non-hungover brain cell.
The night started off funny when while waiting for the T an over social 30-40 something man asked if we were a couple because we looked fabulous together. AB promptly answered we were friends and just going to a party. The night progressed - it was slow for the most part though - in the end there was far to much in the way of gin happening. We all know that gin is my arch nemesis. So while AL tried to get me drunk AB and I spent the vast majority of the evening talking to other people. At the end of the night AL managed to get us on the last train into town and AB near pass out drunk. At that stage despite how I felt, it wasn't worth anything as no girl of even relativley sane mind wants to know that the only reason he kissed you was because he was drunk.
So in the end it was a decent party and nothing happened. Honestly my only frustration is I need to learn how to successfully hail a cab - I waited 30 minutes for the last bus out of the downtown and that just doesn't work for me. This has become my mantra as of late - especially as I look towards next weekend.
The night started off funny when while waiting for the T an over social 30-40 something man asked if we were a couple because we looked fabulous together. AB promptly answered we were friends and just going to a party. The night progressed - it was slow for the most part though - in the end there was far to much in the way of gin happening. We all know that gin is my arch nemesis. So while AL tried to get me drunk AB and I spent the vast majority of the evening talking to other people. At the end of the night AL managed to get us on the last train into town and AB near pass out drunk. At that stage despite how I felt, it wasn't worth anything as no girl of even relativley sane mind wants to know that the only reason he kissed you was because he was drunk.
So in the end it was a decent party and nothing happened. Honestly my only frustration is I need to learn how to successfully hail a cab - I waited 30 minutes for the last bus out of the downtown and that just doesn't work for me. This has become my mantra as of late - especially as I look towards next weekend.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Weird, no?
HSBFF and I have been commuting together for the last little while and given that there is almost 15 years of history between us the conversation is always candid and a little odd for those sitting around us on the train.
Topic for discussion? OM and BV and CW's attempt to set me up (hasn't happened yet so don't worry you didn't miss anything). I was commenting that I tease OM, knowing that he considers me "hot" and "sexy" (who says that to a friend/pseudo date?) but he didn't think we'd have an intellectual connection... this coming from a man who is looking for two types of women - his 50's homemaker archetype and a wildness distinctly un-feminine women... so I hug him a little longer, flirt like crazy with him - it makes him blush and gives me my retaliation for being made to feel simple. BV also made me feel simple and over educated all in one fell swoop... he is in R&D for a medical engineering firm - when I asked scientific questions I got ridiculous responses so in detail that is was annoying and when I tried to engage in mutual intellect discussions he either lacked that or was uninterested. I once again felt like a piece of meat. CW's boyfriend is treating me like that too - he is the bridge to the blind date and apparently his refusal to set it up has nothing to do with my brain...
So this is sounding narcissistic and vain. Do I think I'm a stunner, a head turner - oh goodness no. To be honest if there are men out there who think so they can keep moving (though according to HSBFF who keeps pointing them out they aren't). Why? Because I don't like feeling objectified, and I know that that is universally not the intent with such attention, but for me it feels like that. I dress modest for the most part - sure when I'm out partying the girls are out - they're still not at my knees and so for the next few years they can see the setting sun for a little while, but the rest of the time - nope. The only time I would consider wearing a short skirt is a running skirt which has shorts and I almost always wear it over tights... I digress. The point? HSBFF thought it was hilarious that life was torturing me - when I was younger I was known only for my brain and know that I'm older and want to be known and respected for my intellect, I'm getting almost only attention for my very average looking body... WHAT GIVES? Then again I always held to the belief that men's tastes would develop, maybe they have to the point that my child bearing hips are more important than my brain... or maybe that's a digression in taste...
"Music" choice
Topic for discussion? OM and BV and CW's attempt to set me up (hasn't happened yet so don't worry you didn't miss anything). I was commenting that I tease OM, knowing that he considers me "hot" and "sexy" (who says that to a friend/pseudo date?) but he didn't think we'd have an intellectual connection... this coming from a man who is looking for two types of women - his 50's homemaker archetype and a wildness distinctly un-feminine women... so I hug him a little longer, flirt like crazy with him - it makes him blush and gives me my retaliation for being made to feel simple. BV also made me feel simple and over educated all in one fell swoop... he is in R&D for a medical engineering firm - when I asked scientific questions I got ridiculous responses so in detail that is was annoying and when I tried to engage in mutual intellect discussions he either lacked that or was uninterested. I once again felt like a piece of meat. CW's boyfriend is treating me like that too - he is the bridge to the blind date and apparently his refusal to set it up has nothing to do with my brain...
So this is sounding narcissistic and vain. Do I think I'm a stunner, a head turner - oh goodness no. To be honest if there are men out there who think so they can keep moving (though according to HSBFF who keeps pointing them out they aren't). Why? Because I don't like feeling objectified, and I know that that is universally not the intent with such attention, but for me it feels like that. I dress modest for the most part - sure when I'm out partying the girls are out - they're still not at my knees and so for the next few years they can see the setting sun for a little while, but the rest of the time - nope. The only time I would consider wearing a short skirt is a running skirt which has shorts and I almost always wear it over tights... I digress. The point? HSBFF thought it was hilarious that life was torturing me - when I was younger I was known only for my brain and know that I'm older and want to be known and respected for my intellect, I'm getting almost only attention for my very average looking body... WHAT GIVES? Then again I always held to the belief that men's tastes would develop, maybe they have to the point that my child bearing hips are more important than my brain... or maybe that's a digression in taste...
"Music" choice
Thursday, January 14, 2010
So What Now?
I have sent out my resume again, and likely again and again and again after that... work sucks.
On an equally cheery note my stress has resulted in a cough and sore throat, fatigue and yay me an inability to sleep except on the train. I can sleep there no problem...
N and I were discussing where to now, as the young ones get married and we are still trying to find anything of substance. In a world that still believes there is truth in the Bachelor we are finding the search frustrating. I'm stuck on DB in a bizarre way and I can't figure out what if anything to do with that. The only men that ever seem to look at me these days are after my runs when I look a fright - and I wonder if they are staring at the wetness of my clothes rather than me... I could go the route of having my dad arrange dates, culturally that wouldn't be too far off (arranged marriage is an accepted though rarely used in North America custom - in the Mother land it was common)...
So instead of trying to solve world peace, the singleness epidemic or why people actually are shocked about an affair on the Bachelor when that's what he's doing himself is it not? I am going to go leave my blessed office and head home to something - not quite sure what, maybe a bowl of cereal?
On an equally cheery note my stress has resulted in a cough and sore throat, fatigue and yay me an inability to sleep except on the train. I can sleep there no problem...
N and I were discussing where to now, as the young ones get married and we are still trying to find anything of substance. In a world that still believes there is truth in the Bachelor we are finding the search frustrating. I'm stuck on DB in a bizarre way and I can't figure out what if anything to do with that. The only men that ever seem to look at me these days are after my runs when I look a fright - and I wonder if they are staring at the wetness of my clothes rather than me... I could go the route of having my dad arrange dates, culturally that wouldn't be too far off (arranged marriage is an accepted though rarely used in North America custom - in the Mother land it was common)...
So instead of trying to solve world peace, the singleness epidemic or why people actually are shocked about an affair on the Bachelor when that's what he's doing himself is it not? I am going to go leave my blessed office and head home to something - not quite sure what, maybe a bowl of cereal?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Lists Can Be a Dangerous Thing...
I remember having lists for everything. The lists of the boys I liked eventually migrated to the lists of universities I wanted to attend and then lists for the courses, the books and everything university related, then lists for where to live, and now the lists are mostly where to travel to next for a race - all are local except for Chicago and Philadelphia in the fall it seems... Lists are tricky things - they give us satisfaction when you can cross things off, but sometimes the things listed can be all wrong in either context, motivation or topic or all of those. For example be married by 30 (I am disclosing I'm not yet - how close to it I will not reveal...), start world population increase at 32, finish at 34 and so on and so forth... or a list for his qualifications - good paying job or artist, runner or other sport, educated, can cook and clean, wants kids....
So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:
1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming
And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.
So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:
1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports
So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:
1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming
And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.
So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:
1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports
Friday, August 28, 2009
Going Backwards and Forward
AB called me last night to let me know he was going to bed and that he wasn't well, it caught me by surprise which is probably why I answered the call to begin with.I had texted AB to find out how he was at about 8, just as I crawled into bed to try and sleep off all the horrible things I had put in my body like ice cream... and drifted off somewhere shortly there after, so when AB called at 10ish let's just say I wasn't quite coherent, I do remember something about discussing a massage because he was sore - he's got the flu apparently, funny enough he has been more worried that I'll get sick than the fact that he's getting progressively worse... oh well. Previous to this V and I had a talk about the whole situation, she's arranged the 1/2 blind date, I don't want to know anything, but he knows he's being set up with me, whatever V's told him about me. I feel kind of sleazy about the whole thing, but I'm trying to put the whole thing in perspective, nothing has been formalized, nothing said, nothing gained or lost at this moment.
Though it is funny either I had intentions or a premonition of sorts about this whole thing back in May when AB was introduced to this whole circle. I commented to CC about AB that we knew what happened when a uncomplicated boy friendship and movie watching started many moons ago, funny though this is more complicated than that situation. I think because well it's the reverse, and it's not the way I think it should be, call me antiquated, call me whatever you'd like but I still hold to the belief that it's almost the only way that women have to be sure of anything in a man, his actions, if he doesn't act, it's not of significant enough value to him to do something. Sometimes it does mean forcing his hand, other times maybe it's just about letting him realize what has slipped from it - AB if he's truly interested is going to learn the later at the rate we're going.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/guerry-monero/3165354613/
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Aww Hell No
Of all things, I have found myself in the awkward pseudo GF role, okay so I was fine when it was just AB and I doing things, or a large group, but we've been socially paired off as of late and I'm about to smack my head against a wall until this is all over... Like last night, he's going out of town and had some "friends" (two other guys + his roommate) over for dinner before he left for a while today, and ya AWKWARD... For the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo Blahniks how did we get here... really aren't we breaking some kind of social etiquette? To be honest I'm starting to feel like a cad myself, seeing BV who I know is actually interested and spending time with AB with whom I'm developing the relationship in mid sentence if you want call it that...
That's it, I've had enough. I know that I will likely have to keep repeating that over and over and over again to myself. Because at the end of all this I feel like my brain is rotting and I'm being reduced to something other than myself somehow unbeknownst to me
That's it, I've had enough. I know that I will likely have to keep repeating that over and over and over again to myself. Because at the end of all this I feel like my brain is rotting and I'm being reduced to something other than myself somehow unbeknownst to me
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Don't Shoot Me
But I have a date with BV this weekend Thursday *turns and winces.* Goodness we know it's all bad every little bit of it, but hell a night out learning to get through this process when I don't care one pittance about the whole thing, sounds like fun no? Actually let's just say I get some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of how odd and uncomfortable this whole thing can be - like how much I can torture him, and what it is going to take for a decent hug - likely I'll just casually ambush him...I know karma and all that - but hell, I think we call this pass back from the OM incident...
Little side note I had a moment when I texted BV back this morning - I missed his call last night at 9, comatose in dream land or something like that... I double checked the name... yikes! That I can't tell you how many times I've typed out OM's name and then had to quickly edited out after it's been published...
Little side note I had a moment when I texted BV back this morning - I missed his call last night at 9, comatose in dream land or something like that... I double checked the name... yikes! That I can't tell you how many times I've typed out OM's name and then had to quickly edited out after it's been published...
Monday, July 06, 2009
And the Gold Star Goes to BV!
Yes BV has come out swinging with another out of the blue contact, and all while I have been fussing about the whole DTR with AB. So being that I haven't played this game before but I know how it works courtesy of all the years I watched Sammy play the boys on Days of Our Lives (imagine that with the announcer voice would you please)... so I know that AB can know about BV, but BV given his fragile, yet chutzpah rich state needs to be watered, babied and then broken in ever so carefully. So what does that look like, well dear reader, that means that I turned BV down for the late night comedy show tomorrow night - it is far too late for this beauty queen to be out given my time of awaking - maybe for AB I'll walk into the darkness of the late night sunsetish and stay out until the carriages stop moving, but I will not for a seedy area comedy show, and a comedy show, err, didn't we already go down the awkward comedy route with the Hangover. But given that the first date was horribly shitty, yes it reeked and I wouldn't have given him a second chance, but a boy who can get the guts to call, and make me do the who equally shitty smiling business deserves a little mercy. Not a lot, but a little, just like the little we afford ourselves with our work clothes, a little stretch can go along way.
So AB while we might be muggles together next week, I think you'd better start searching for something to conger up if you intend on winning this race, or even the next round for starters. It is about to get a whole hell of a lot interesting, no?
So AB while we might be muggles together next week, I think you'd better start searching for something to conger up if you intend on winning this race, or even the next round for starters. It is about to get a whole hell of a lot interesting, no?
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Soo
AR thinks I'm horribly devious under this Suzy Homemaker facade, and well let's be honest, I am - there is really nothing scarier than a woman who has nothing to lose, and nothing at this point to gain, other than maybe knowing that someone, (cough) BV (cough) will learn something. So being devious, I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies, shoved my debutant hat my bag, slapped on the SPF 60+ and hustled off to the beach to meet BV and AB (yes both - I invited AB, knowing BV was present at Miss 50's beach bash). Well AB got some quizzical looks from Miss 50's for showing with me, but not WITH me, and BV influenced by contraband beverages and the sun seemed to be awkward. Maybe I'm horrible, but seeing an awkward guy squirm in the fall out of his errors works for me, almost better than a new pair of shoes. And so AB stuck around for a while while the group left, and then departed to catch up with them... so now AB has been passed past everyone and honestly I feel horribly weird about the whole process... in the sense that I think I'm still not there emotionally, I don't trust myself with making those decisions, and knowing that part of making those decisions is wholly opening yourself to the pain of rejection. So on the heels of that wonderfully insightful blurb, I have this to say, I will see AB at Ms. J's and beyond that I plan on poking BV for a movie date* to see if I can make him articulate his disinterest or interest... we will see. Oh and the blue dress will be making an appearance again...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
So 8 hours later and one brief bus ride later...
I found myself sitting at my kitchen table, post non-brain clearing, non-emotional purging shower, eating coffee flavoured hagan daaz from the container while waiting for my sheets to dry wondering, wondering what the hell is all this. Really what is it, because I think I need to know, know that something in all this is true, has some basis in reality, has some purpose, because I for the first time in my life went on two dates* in one week with two different guys nonetheless and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and go, hmph, or more to the point WTF. When does this murkuier than mud, dance of a thousand missed facts and distorted perceptions becomes something different?
I spent 8 fucking hours with BV yesterday and all I got was a little side hug, like if you are not interested then lie, I don't care if you ditch me after the coffee and a walk, go for it, but don't go for dinner and then a movie and then walk me up Hastings to the bus stop at Main, wait for the bus to come for me and then give me a shitty hug and no further response. This is what I would like to clarify for the men as MIXED signals. Yes folks that it is fair to say is mixed, because your actions say you wanted to spend time with me thus the 8 hours, hell I stuck around because of that, and yet NOTHING. All I would like, all any girl would like is, if you are interested, which your actions are implying you are, is one a decent hug and maybe I'll call you or even if you are really interested another activity or something. It isn't that complicated, no sweeping romantic gestures needed, dude not looking for flowers, candlelight or a romcom to be the next movie choice, just a little sense of direction. So maybe I'm just burnt out, maybe I'm frustrated, maybe I just feel like a looser, like after you go on endless job interviews and while they seem to be good, apparently they're not... I don't know but there you go.
Run down of yesterdays events - coffee, jazz fest, bird poos on BV, wait for BV to get cleaned up, walk, talk, walk and walk and talk, get tired, have dinner - my credit card is decline - equal embarassment day, walk in the pouring rain minus the umbrella - and I in white, BV picks movie, walks me to bus stop, I text when home safe and that would be the night. I ended up confused, unable to sleep and so of course texted AB - for the love of mini doughnuts, it is all one big freaking mess.
*or pseudo dates or even date dates
I spent 8 fucking hours with BV yesterday and all I got was a little side hug, like if you are not interested then lie, I don't care if you ditch me after the coffee and a walk, go for it, but don't go for dinner and then a movie and then walk me up Hastings to the bus stop at Main, wait for the bus to come for me and then give me a shitty hug and no further response. This is what I would like to clarify for the men as MIXED signals. Yes folks that it is fair to say is mixed, because your actions say you wanted to spend time with me thus the 8 hours, hell I stuck around because of that, and yet NOTHING. All I would like, all any girl would like is, if you are interested, which your actions are implying you are, is one a decent hug and maybe I'll call you or even if you are really interested another activity or something. It isn't that complicated, no sweeping romantic gestures needed, dude not looking for flowers, candlelight or a romcom to be the next movie choice, just a little sense of direction. So maybe I'm just burnt out, maybe I'm frustrated, maybe I just feel like a looser, like after you go on endless job interviews and while they seem to be good, apparently they're not... I don't know but there you go.
Run down of yesterdays events - coffee, jazz fest, bird poos on BV, wait for BV to get cleaned up, walk, talk, walk and walk and talk, get tired, have dinner - my credit card is decline - equal embarassment day, walk in the pouring rain minus the umbrella - and I in white, BV picks movie, walks me to bus stop, I text when home safe and that would be the night. I ended up confused, unable to sleep and so of course texted AB - for the love of mini doughnuts, it is all one big freaking mess.
*or pseudo dates or even date dates
Friday, June 26, 2009
I was sooo smooth, you have no idea
So I came to the realization today that I might only be successful thus far because of alcohol, my sweet precious, because well I've been under the influence and same with the men whence these conversations happened, and then whence sober, the conversation seems to get well hindered. Same went for tonight, when I really should have toot sweet made a bee line for the Liquor store to avoid the shitastic conversation skills I demonstrated when BV called... oh it was my finest hour for sure - even better than the time I fell on my ass in a short skirt in grade 10, revealing my white knickers... So anyways CW and I hit the mall and beat it a little while too, I came to the realization I had no date, date date or pseudo date appropriate wear... so ya, who knew that that was a fashion subset I needed to consider. So 2pm tomorrow, I have to find my personality without the alcohol and remember that this whole show, this is all an unknown - like what to say, how much sarcasm is too much sarcasm and really is there such a thing, and when do dates turn into dating, or even for that matter when does a date = a date, and when do those amount to dates plural - like do the pseudo and regular dates get included in the date date equation...
To add, when do I have to choose - that is to say I'm totally upselling myself believing that that absolutely horrible moment is going to happen... yes horrible that would be, no? As well AR believes that I need to find me a theme song, so while Beyonce believes a Diva is a female version of a hustler, I believe that a diva I am not, and Fiddy's PIMP isn't quite right, I leave you with the oft played:
To add, when do I have to choose - that is to say I'm totally upselling myself believing that that absolutely horrible moment is going to happen... yes horrible that would be, no? As well AR believes that I need to find me a theme song, so while Beyonce believes a Diva is a female version of a hustler, I believe that a diva I am not, and Fiddy's PIMP isn't quite right, I leave you with the oft played:
And Let the Games Begin!
Coming out of left field, courtesy of a wholly unexpected message in my FB inbox, we now have a new player on the scene. We shall call him BVHMAOMP or Boy V has met at OM's party - but for the sake of the fun and blogging - BV. BV hit the radar for a few hot moments back then but died off, I couldn't read him so I shrugged it all off, eventually added him as a friend on FB and then ta da we have a FB message for a coffee "date." You know I am beginning to hate that word, it's up there with "nice" and "different." So there you have it AB has seriously legitimate competition, like in the way of an engineer who just happens to be one of my peeps... I will keep you all updated.The only down side is if either of these remotely works out, I feel like I should thank OM - second thought is that really that awful - hey OM, you may be a douchebag, tool or whatever reference that has been used in recent months by AR, N or Ms. J to describe you, but thanks to you I've gotten to have better times than you could have ever done...
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vegaseddie/3309211069/
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