Like Clockwork

Every time I bitch about the Douche he redeems himself. After grumbling that the man couldn't find his balls or his spine long enough to just decline the offer, and then of course on Friday after I had told HSBFF in no uncertain terms that despite her belief of a lot of repression but there could be good underneath that she was wrong, he finds me in the atrium and starts a casual conversation. I initially was all:

Like seriously do we need the pretense, you're a douche and there is no way around that and then he "apologizes" and declines the offer, which for some reason unknown to me I said sure well let know if anything else looks interesting... like NLLL let it go, he's never going to be truly decent to you. He's always going to make you want to through something at him and whether it's a plate or yourself it's not going to go down well. You're just going to find yourself doing this and raging inside.

CEF and the Douche...

A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.

"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."

So the thing is the name is going to stay.

Why?

Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.

The message in case your wondering,

"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."

I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.

I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.

As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.

So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.

And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:

It Seems I Am Conflicted

And surprise, well surprise to me, it isn't about the person I have spent the majority of the last few years writing about, actually that's not true it seems...

It seems I have spent a lot of time whining about the Douche. A LOT. Hrmmm.

And it seems I've oscillated between blinding stabbing rage posts to questions about being possibly afflicted with Stockholm syndrome.  This man has gotten under my skin without me really being aware of it. I was aware he annoyed me but it seems annoyance and attraction are trying to pull some kind of blurred-lines-bait-and-switch thing.

Here is the problem I am now faced with, now that I'm aware that once I clearly saw myself on one side of this fence that apparently I'm perched on it, and even worse I'm not sure where to go. Yes KAB would say that this is a sign that truly I have lost my marbles as she wouldn't say what I would say as she is far classier. So what am I going to do.

Nothing.

Seriously.

I am serious.

I know he's in going through things that would make dating not feasible - and yes I know starting with that point is making KAB squirm. Actually more to the present issue, his emotions for whatever reason effect me, a lot and I am not sure how to explain why or how. It sounds hokey to say I read people and I'm normally pretty good, I'm not suggesting an average but the majority. He apparently I can read really well because he's not attempting to hide his emotions. Most people would think that his daily "Hi" is roughly the same from day to day. I don't see that and most often that comes out as me being pissed with him for his dramatic to me oscillations, but now the problem is, the converse for me, is wanting to care.

I do not want to care because I cannot. I can care for a lot of people and love people and pour into people going through rough spots and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is in our Friday conversation he opened up and yet he didn't. There was a wall, a big one, and I'm sane enough to not think that if I sit long enough on the world side of that wall that eventually he'll think about dismantling it. Sure I might try the occasional knock when I sense that he's having a better day than the usual grumpy days.

So what does this all mean?

Patience.

I'm trying to sort out the feelings where they belong while trying to not, as I said to Ms. J yesterday, punch the next person who suggests we like each other. I have no desire for a Mr. Darcy-Elizabeth show down unless it comes with Matthew Macfadyen

And So It Went Down...

Against my normal policy of keeping explicitly grounded in real life, aka as things that cannot be blurred off the blog, I am going to post the FB discussion.

I will preface this as an example where I should have a tired-alyzer along with a breathalyzer for my laptop because 11pm is not the time I should be writing messages as I am likely not to filter myself when I really, really should because re-reading this all I can think is I sound like this:

D,

I would like to be able to resolve something that has been bothering me, now I might be interpreting things wrong, but I feel as though I have at some point done something to upset you because despite my best efforts to be intentionally cordial I keep receiving feedback that appears to be annoyance and at times disdain. Please let me know if I have done something so that I may be able to address it, if I'm just interpreting things incorrectly you can just ignore this and I will do my best to adjust.

 S&P

Hi S&P,

Thanks for making me aware of this. I'm sorry that somehow I've conveyed to you a sense of annoyance and disdain. Those are heavy words! I assure you, there is no such sentiment on my register towards you! As a rule for myself, I would rather talk about these kinds of issues in person. I looked for you around campus today, but must have missed you. Will you be on the retreat this weekend? I would much rather assure verbally than via FB.

 Best, D

The conversation settled on us meeting for coffee this morning at 9am which was totally ironic because as X will tell you I can be a raving b*tch without caffeine. I arrived without coffee or even food in my system because of course I wanted to up-chuck, I hate conflict, especially conflict with a guy.

We arrived at the same time and had shockingly probably the most light but personal conversation we have ever had, involving the realization that I've been intuitive but not quite. I have been picking up appropriately on his angst and pissy mood but they were directed at the world and not me and a being super sensitive ISFJ I just happen to be taking it personal.

So where are we at? He's going to still be the Douche and I'm going to try and be friendly while keeping in mind that any time I get his frosty attitude that it isn't personal - so that's sort of a resolution, right? Probably not now I am trying to beat back the part of me that care and wants to help him. I need that like (my head in a whole versus the alternative):

So that's where things are...

Temptation

I have been tempted since the episode where I discovered the Douche had purchased the locker above mine when in theory he did have choice to where he could have gone (I wasn't there at the moment of purchase, he could have been fatefully been given it, though there was an option given to pick), to once and for all clear the air. I'm tired of trying to be sweet and perky in the hopes of whatever transgression I might have caused being mitigated but frankly I'm tired of it and I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells which I'm beginning to wonder and now assume are in my imagination and he either doesn't care or is just going to always be in my understanding of his interactions an NLLL-hole.

Stay tuned.

And while you're waiting consider this (but not you KAB) since I cannot find any other songs to fit this topic other than the best song of all on this issue and yes I know this is a cover:

He's Sure Living Up to His Name...

I know there was a time in my life, perhaps all our lives when there was that one person who you hated on but really had a crush on. However, I think, actually I hope, we all can pass those moments in our lives rather quickly. I know I have.

The Douche is living up to his name and I actually kind of feel sorry for him. Kind of, not really, but sort of, in that dude being that full of self loathing and apathy must suck. I will say it again, I want to go back to the time when he didn't talk to me, or opt to sit beside me at lunch and then not to talk to me, but talk to everyone else. Yes dude I'm here and but you can totally speak over me, I'm cool with that.

Actually I'm not, I'm totally not okay with knowing that the only reason you've defrosted from your USSR-US relations circa 1962 is because like the USSR realized they were being abandoned. His cohort is leaving and he's stuck with us and while he is trying to make the best of it I must confess that I don't. And that sentiment has no roots in his love for Teva sandals or light wash jeans, just in Debby Downer-ness.

I might not be the perkiest, I definitely know how to be snarky. BUT that being said, those aren't the characteristics that I throw out to the world on a consistent daily basis and they are so not the characteristics I want to a person I date or would want someone to seek out in me.

But speaking of dating... no no no I'm not going to ask him out, and for that matter I'm spending time on me - yep I figured doing that comes with better guarantees rather than seeking out some lame dates.

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

In My Very Finite Wisdom

... there was a moment of lapse or collapse or something of that nature, because at this very moment I am sharing a table in the library with the Douche.

*sigh* or *head desk* I'm not sure which one applies at the moment.

He's out of my system, sure I would love to know what is under that crusty and often frustrating personality, but to be honest the desire to know that is rivalled with my desire to smack him upside the head with the text book in front of him at the moment. And while most days I'm not all that ladylike, I would like to believe I am lady enough at this moment that I will not do that.

So there we have it, we know where things are with le douche and now RB is dating someone and according to FB, BI is un-engaged. The world doesn't make sense. Well it sort of does but not really in regards to the last two mentioned.

I am sure that my single-ness is not a horrible thing at this moment. Not that I really considered it a horrible thing ever, but I can say for sure at this moment, while I might have a desire for human contact and all that comes with relationships I am also equally comfortable where I am.

*Postscript* I was hit on by two separate men tonight, one was older and hot but so not appropriate and the second was younger and drunk. The universe apparently has a really warped sense of humor. But I realized in all that, that religious men have the pick up skills equivalent to the drunk dude, who was seriously plastered... *sigh* staying classy home town I see.

Clarity

My first weekend class was this past weekend. I opted to be the "brave" one and fling myself out for my prof to counsel and analyse in front of the class. I do not regret it, well maybe a little. I think I regret being a person for whom getting verklempt is an easy and often undesirable reaction. So yes I got teary and it got worse once RB, on my request gave me feedback, given that he was one of two people in the class who knew me best, likely the one who does know me best. He teared up, and the NLLL'ing waterworks came. When it was all said and done and he and I hugged, and I realized that while I would and can say that I love him, he's really a dear friend, he's also an entirely lame potential boyfriend given previous experience and where he is in life. Oddly though in all that I realized the things I love in him, who he is, are rare (ish) things. They are the core qualities that made me fall in love with AB. It's a tenderness with a joyful carelessness that somehow runs deep even if either of them weren't entirely sure how to navigate life. The Douche doesn't have that - tender and him do not go in the same sentence, maybe they could, but I think I am realizing, that I'm a tough enough nut on the exterior and broken enough on the inside that I don't think it's healthy for me to be off trying to open someone else up. Sure he may now even *gasp* publicly acknowledge me, and if he ever asked me out I MIGHT say yes (what the hell right?) I know that he's not it, quite frankly I cannot say I think anyone in my life is it right now. And while that's lonely in many respects, in others, well in other respects, I wonder if I find the pickiness freeing in a way. I know I'm messy - good gracious I am messy and I actually need a lot from my relationships, as much as it pains me to even consider that, never mind articulate that.  I'm working on me and I know, man or no man, that there is something freeing in loving the good men in your life for who they are, where they are and knowing that that's all they need from you and that's all you can give them.

Photo:http://inside-out-22.blogspot.ca/2012/09/crying-with-my-mom.html

Save Me From Myself

I am seriously considering asking the Douche out.  Pourquoi mon ami?  Well basically he's 99% likely to reject me and that's good odds for just getting back in the game.  See right now I think I just need to ask someone and he's a safe someone.  I know that while he's bitter and rude he's not likely to make a scene and further more he's not a friend like RB so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out.  Only problem is I do need to wait until the semester is over and that means I might have to utilize email, which while a media through which sassy messages can be sent, it also can be forwarded and just seem weird.  Any way that's where my brain is out at the moment and that scares me, especially given I have not consumed any alcohol.

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

The Week That Was...

So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.

In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.

Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...

First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects.  BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.

Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings.  HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up.  Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that.  Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him.  Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.

On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates.  I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:



Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that.  RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case.  That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.

OH EM GEE and other updates

I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible.  Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.

So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.

1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself.  So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad.  Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal.  My dad generously offered to foot the bill.  A massively big deal.  But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going.  So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll

Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.

I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use.  It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here.  More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD.  Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program.  So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.

Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.

2. Men

Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be.  Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.

b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.

c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations.  I just cannot abide his behaviour.  He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is.  No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day.  That day?  Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day.  Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)

3. Age

I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade.  I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue.  BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey.  On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February.  Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous.   But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love.  Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?

So here is what I need:

Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.

I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them.  Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me. 

So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:

Oh Really?!

I promised Just Sayin' I would get my ass back into the blogging world - so here I am y'all.  I start school for reals (thus ending the last time I can use that phrase) tomorrow.  But before we get there I would like to address something.

In the months leading up to school I had dozens tell me that school would be equal to a field full of 4 leaf clovers with unicorns frolicking through double rainbows for men.  Basically in a world full of almost substandard men that I would find intelligent, suave, intriguing men - X clones but "so much better."  I wish I could bring all those people to campus with me.  I don't know what they were all sniffing but seriously folks - they're all married and those aren't - well aren't because well natural selection is still in play.  Case in point.  The second day of orientation at coffee break I found myself next to a second year student taking advantage of the free food.  We started to "talk" - I wouldn't call it easy for him, but whatever there were words coming from his mouth.

Dude: What program are you in?
Me: MCS Interdisciplinary
Dude: Oh, so you're in the choose your own program (scoff)
Me: You?
Dude: MDiv (pause) I need to go.

Now I know it is hard to convey his tone.  Yes I am in the flakiest of the programs - I am also in one of the most difficult ones since I have to chart my own course - I have to have a vision of what I want to do from the start and start digging it out on my own because no one in the concentration will have the same end result.  But really that is not the point - I for some bizarre reason thought that in a school with 50/50 gender representation that the men would be more liberal for lack of a better word.  But I guess while there is a world of men looking for their perfect piano playing, long skirt wearing submissive pastor's wife there is a world of men looking for their MDiv counterpart.  Yes dear while I'm bouncing children off my hip we're going to discuss the nuances of Ancient Greek translation.

I was seriously taken aback at the reality that I will not be accepted as an equal as X has done. I guess it's a good thing that I still have all my feminist texts at the ready...

PS I miss X - I really miss him.