In My Very Finite Wisdom

... there was a moment of lapse or collapse or something of that nature, because at this very moment I am sharing a table in the library with the Douche.

*sigh* or *head desk* I'm not sure which one applies at the moment.

He's out of my system, sure I would love to know what is under that crusty and often frustrating personality, but to be honest the desire to know that is rivalled with my desire to smack him upside the head with the text book in front of him at the moment. And while most days I'm not all that ladylike, I would like to believe I am lady enough at this moment that I will not do that.

So there we have it, we know where things are with le douche and now RB is dating someone and according to FB, BI is un-engaged. The world doesn't make sense. Well it sort of does but not really in regards to the last two mentioned.

I am sure that my single-ness is not a horrible thing at this moment. Not that I really considered it a horrible thing ever, but I can say for sure at this moment, while I might have a desire for human contact and all that comes with relationships I am also equally comfortable where I am.

*Postscript* I was hit on by two separate men tonight, one was older and hot but so not appropriate and the second was younger and drunk. The universe apparently has a really warped sense of humor. But I realized in all that, that religious men have the pick up skills equivalent to the drunk dude, who was seriously plastered... *sigh* staying classy home town I see.

Clarity

My first weekend class was this past weekend. I opted to be the "brave" one and fling myself out for my prof to counsel and analyse in front of the class. I do not regret it, well maybe a little. I think I regret being a person for whom getting verklempt is an easy and often undesirable reaction. So yes I got teary and it got worse once RB, on my request gave me feedback, given that he was one of two people in the class who knew me best, likely the one who does know me best. He teared up, and the NLLL'ing waterworks came. When it was all said and done and he and I hugged, and I realized that while I would and can say that I love him, he's really a dear friend, he's also an entirely lame potential boyfriend given previous experience and where he is in life. Oddly though in all that I realized the things I love in him, who he is, are rare (ish) things. They are the core qualities that made me fall in love with AB. It's a tenderness with a joyful carelessness that somehow runs deep even if either of them weren't entirely sure how to navigate life. The Douche doesn't have that - tender and him do not go in the same sentence, maybe they could, but I think I am realizing, that I'm a tough enough nut on the exterior and broken enough on the inside that I don't think it's healthy for me to be off trying to open someone else up. Sure he may now even *gasp* publicly acknowledge me, and if he ever asked me out I MIGHT say yes (what the hell right?) I know that he's not it, quite frankly I cannot say I think anyone in my life is it right now. And while that's lonely in many respects, in others, well in other respects, I wonder if I find the pickiness freeing in a way. I know I'm messy - good gracious I am messy and I actually need a lot from my relationships, as much as it pains me to even consider that, never mind articulate that.  I'm working on me and I know, man or no man, that there is something freeing in loving the good men in your life for who they are, where they are and knowing that that's all they need from you and that's all you can give them.

Photo:http://inside-out-22.blogspot.ca/2012/09/crying-with-my-mom.html

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

The Week That Was...

So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.

In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.

Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...

First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects.  BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.

Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings.  HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up.  Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that.  Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him.  Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.

On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates.  I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:



Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that.  RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case.  That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.

Pride or Practicality?

I would like to think that I am not prideful, but let's be serious I'm as prideful as I am vain - which is a lot at times, though I would love to think that both my extreme occasional vanity and my prideful moments are well, practical too.

My vanity aside for the moment - we need to discuss my pride.  Now I relinquished it momentarily this summer to let RB know I liked him during a delusional moment brought on by too much library dust.  But fear not I have quickly reclaimed it, such that I when faced with the man of the all the set up antics today, I felt that I almost by necessity had to ignore him.  I could not bring myself to acknowledge him primarily because a part of me was so damn furious.  There across from me sat an attractive man in his 30's and he can hold a conversation of relative intelligence but is also such a bloody tool.  It is not okay that he did not respond.  Sure I'm not going to go all boil his cat crazy and give him a piece of my mind but I could not bring myself to do anything that might be construed as flirting.  Was this prideful, sure but I'm of the opinion if you put the toy down after examining it and finding it wanton you don't pick it up again, regardless of whether anyone is watching.

On a slightly different note but also boy related, Belgium Boy is back in town for the year, which I have to say makes me happier than I think it should but at the same time, I have no desire to have to break my own heart if anything were to happen, we're on two different life tracks.  So I will be a good girl, no flirting where you don't want a response.

So on the note of pride:

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Hold Up, You WHAT?

RB and I finally talked today after he got his pep talk from his mentor... oh honey it gets better.  So apparently he's been "sort of" dating someone for the better part of the year and they just broke up and he's moving on to this new girl.... "Sort of," eh?  That's religious boy speak for we hung out, I got what I needed from the relationship but didn't actually commit and therefore didn't have to act like I was in a relationship.

So I call this pseudo dating.  And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children.  It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).

Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY.  It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.

It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.

And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men.  So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...

The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling."  But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.

*Hebrewisms and the like

Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.

A Revelation

In all the kerfuffle that has been this week's events I think I lost sight of the fact that well, I'm different.  Granted not a surprise to those who know me. However for RB and his even younger best friend, I think there is a difference in interpretation of what I actually did in telling RB I liked him.

Lost you?  Well I might lose you further but let me try and explain what my lovely roommate pointed out to me this morning. Her point being I am not a young woman, I am quite frankly very different than the women RB or his best friend would have regular contact with (RB is 26 and his bf 23). They're used to emotionally overwrought young women, and Christian (Evangelical) circles, young women are frankly, crazy.  They are crazy for a million stupid social reasons that Christian thought causes but one of the chief hallmarks is the obsessive. One kind of liking that happens is where they find a man they think fits "their list" and then fill in the rest with their own fantasies.   The young men can do this too and so it makes for a hell of a lot of angst going down.  So as my roommate pointed out what I did was beyond their comprehension.  I declared attraction and in doing so, one asserted myself, and two by doing so in their minds professed a life altering desire to be in a relationship with RB when really I just thought things were getting stupid and I wanted to see if a date would work to clear things on whether we had anything.  A date, not destiny fulfilled is what I was asking for, and it is this disconnect that may have caused all the craziness. 

They think I should be coming unhinged and don't know why I wouldn't be.  Well I'm not, in case anyone is wondering, definitely not. That and apparently I can look really evil when I'm doing my "poker face" (per HSBFF) which probably didn't help this week to deflate the situation.  He thought I was probably out to actually boil his bunny and maybe take out his knee caps too while I was at it.  Fear not all bunnies are safe. 

Let Us Pause for a Moment

I normally post about the downsides to dating and not dating and the majority of the time I sound a little cranky.  Truthfully though?  Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children (scourge of ha-eretz*) and the commitment hesitant.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into X's hands or a spine into RB's back and nor do I really want to for either, they've made their decisions.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed, a little bruised and maybe even damaged deeper, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations.

So on that note whatever is revealed through this RB thing, either about his character, his friends or mine it is all good.  Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

And if you need a little musical pick me up - Beyonce's The Best Thing is a perfect place to start.

*the earth - sorry a little Anglo-Hebrew

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peppermint-wind/5063934086/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Nuclear Fall Out

A few little words do have a devastating effect.  Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire).  So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.

Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what?  When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze.  It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB.  It's not suppose to be like that.  Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente?  We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out.  If that fails I might just be singing this later...

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

I Was Brave/Stupid Today

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how stupid it was that I was going to wait to tell RB that I liked him.  Why did I need to worry about it for a NLLL month when I had bigger fish to fry like Hebrew, and for what?  It's still going to be awkward and at least if I did it sooner, the awkwardness would be over sooner.

So guess what?

I did it this afternoon.  And even better I did it while in the same room and without alcohol.  That sounds like I was amazingly brave, but I was not.  I did it via FB message and I don't think it counts that I did it while sitting 3 cubicles away because I sure as heck ducked out of the library as fast as I could after I hit send.

In case you're curious I did tell him not to respond.  I mean I am operating on the assumption that he's just nice but doesn't actually like-like me and so given that I need absolutely no pithy statement or coddling.   If he likes-likes me and that's a massive IF, then well the ball is in his court. 

HSBFF thinks he should call or do something - quite frankly I've been brave enough for one day I don't need a phone call. 

And yes I know this is a break up song of sorts but lets be frank this is going to be my song for tonight and we're going to be moving upwards from here.

So Maybe I am

A little bit of a prude.  I prefer to call it decorum.  I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people.  I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB.  Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me.   There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space.  The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread.  You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid.  Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone...  It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me.  So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible.  Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal.  In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine.  I was fine with that for OM, AB and X.  Beyond that there is no beyond that.  I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it.  I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands.  There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.

Why?  RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me.  He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on.  And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process.  And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest.  So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you.  Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain."  Or maybe FB message.  Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew.  Yes it's back on.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*