So Remember that Shitty Epic Long Date...

It's actually probably 5 years to the day (or close enough).

WELL...

I have a replacement epically long date and it was totally not shitty, not shitty at all...

It could actually be described with the following expressions/emotions:

This morning when he texted me to see what I was up to today and we were both headed for the library I was really barely containing myself. We spent the afternoon together in the library and yes I was so crazy as to have a nap for the last hour next to him. I did my usual put my scarf on the table and throw my coat/sweater over my head. Yes, I have no shame.

We then decided to go for drinks and probably drove the waitress crazy with our distracted talking, it probably took us a good hour to order and then we were there another 5 hours talking. And we're on the same page on pretty much everything including he's totally okay with gluten free. And this sounds weird and horrible and I'm not sure what else but both of us had epically horrible engagement and life collapses in 2008 and had them redeemed by awesome surrogate family people and well so much more....

Guess who was a gentleman who walked me to my bus and waited for it but did not do anything else overtly chivalrous - hallelujah, not more being cut off or chastised for my behaviour.

Guess who has a date on Sunday.

ME!!!!!

And it involves coffee and books.

So yes. So much yes.

Lawyer Guy Update

Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.

1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.

2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.

3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)

4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.

5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.

I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.

So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.

Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.

So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.

EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?

I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.

I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.

So take control then, damn it.

 When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.

Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.

I Blame the Mulled Wine

I have a non-date date with Mr. Brilliant (that's what I am going to call him) thought I am sure, Mr. Bombastic would have been an appropriate name although that one was taken a while ago.  He offered a ticket on his FB wall and I starred at it for what seemed like an eternity, I'm sure FB will say that eternity was a minute or even less 45 seconds.  And then I said yes, please take me.  Followed by panic, or maybe that anxiety was from the fact that I had a whole day to work on this bloody paper and I spent it resting.  So yes, thanks to some amazing mulled wine (which had minimal alcohol content) I have a non-date date on Thursday night. To add to that, he and I have yet to have any kind of actual conversation to date and my body having its usual anxiety facial eczema attack - this isn't going to be one bit of an awkward evening, not one bit.

Just a little fun song - don't read too much into it

Drunk-ish Blogging is...

Way safer than drunk-ish snogging - though arguably less enjoyable. Way less enjoyable...

Though that being said - I had an amazing dinner with Just Sayin' who if you haven't figured out yet is one hell of a woman and friend.

But back to the snogging since well I am sure you're wondering why on Earth I'm blogging instead of making poor judgements right now. Well I could be making poor judgements right about now - see there is this party happening right now, this very moment - on the other side of town - hosted by a few graduate school friends, one of whom I am positive likes me. I've never been sure - to be honest I think I also don't want to be sure - I'm happy living in naive land with him. But if I add up all the little parts him and I are most definitely dancing around the issue either of our own invention or via perceptions. As Ms Raitt suggests you give them something to talk about - I think this boy and I have done that unbeknownst to us - so much so that I was given a little indirect talk by one of his female roommates (he lives in a co-ed community house) - the "you know he's a really great guy talk." And I am damn well old enough to know why that talk gets pulled out. So here I am with a man on the other side of the country I love to bits who well I am trying to get my brain around the fact that he will likely never pop the question, and this boy who well I feel in some respects is still a boy... So why not? Why no poor judgement? Well there are about 50 people in my program, and this guy in question is in almost all my classes and one of my tutorials... so I would have to face him a lot.

Do I give him the incentive he needs to ask me out or do I try and quell it all now, or leave it. I know it's the wine talking but well I still am considering in appropriate things so much so that it is a blessing it is a 45 minute bus ride to his place from mine.

Night y'all - hopefully someone else is misbehaving for me.

Oooo I just about forgot he needs a name - so you can vote

Boy Who Stood Me Up - yes he is the same one

OR

Graduate School Classmate

Hi All

So it seems in recent weeks that I've picked up a few lovely new folks.  So to those following or those lurking in the Interweb's shadows. The run down here is quite simple:

1. Everyone gets a nickname - there was a time in my life where I had my name and everything out in the open along with the names of Ms. J and well anyone who would grace these posts.  Well then CEF and a few other crazies caused me to shut down my old blog.  I actually stopped blogging for about 6 months which is a lifetime for me.  Then my shrink thought it was time for me to start dating, so here we are.

2.  What's up with the names?  Well L or HHMNERP (Hot Hot Married Native Ex Roomie Princess) as she prefers to be called started up the naming game when it came to naming boys we would see around town but didn't know their names - the very first one - Boy I Know My Mother Would Hate... I still see him around town.  The names protect everyone and makes everything else a little more kosher around these parts.

3. Check the right column for the run down on the names.

4. Who am I?  Well you can think of me as whoever you want - sorry no details, I've learned the less you really know the more protection I have - goodness it's like I am hiding from someone...

5. Comment - let me know what you think - I am always open for a swift kick or more preferably a laugh.  The large majority of these posts are written out of sheer humorous frustration.  I'm seriously not cranky and bitchy all the time, well unless you're one of my employees... just kidding.

6. Last but not least all my followers have pretty fabulous blogs, check them out.

Half of My Heart...

Knows that it's going to have to put it's desire for a cuddle in the fading light of a Sunday afternoon away and embrace this shaky journey I've started. I know in many ways my pursuit of graduate school has really nothing to do with being single and/or picky, but the increasing weight of it is making realize that it is my relationship, for now. I will have to find comfort in the books that I'm plowing through, that my weekend adventures with Ms J will become centered on things unrelated to boys/men. So on that note you might find that my desire to write ebbs and flows and for that I'm extremely sorry. I know that as Anne Lamott says " writing is for some of us the latch that keeps the door of the pen closed, keeps these crazy ravenous dogs contained" and it is very much like that for me, but I also find that running does equally well with keeping the random ADD nature of my brain on ice...

So on that note I'm going to find some John Mayer, the open bottle of Pinot Gris in the fridge and make a very extensive Graduate school reading list to aid my GRE language exam

Fractures

TOITB has got me thinking about breakups. Mine have fallen into two categories, which I realize are obvious dumper and dumpy... but let me explain how they aren't obvious.

Category 1 - I dumped their complicated asses

First boyfriend - moved away to law school and while we should have ended it then - he cheated as part of his "removal of moral resistance to the acts necessary to be a good lawyer" - apparently if he could cheat on his girlfriend he would be okay with drinking and regurgitating redbulls and vodka in the law library etc... classy. This song was on the radio at the time - appropriate given his behaviour afterwards. I tried to go the classy route - I shoved all his stuff in a box, moved with that box and 3 years later when BI came on the scene burned everything except the prize t-shirt which I mailed to him in Houston.

First Fiance - He didn't cheat, but what the hell else didn't he do... let's just say being classy wasn't part of this deal, it was a get out alive and with as minimal life altering as necessary.

Obviously I don't know how to let them down gently, or find the kind who will behave...

Category 2 - this is the sorry tale of my life pseudo dating and then giving my blessing when I get replaced.

1.BWPAG (Boy Who Plays a Guitar) followed Lawyer boy - and he on a Transatlantic flight explained that he could only marry a nurse or a elementary school teacher. So there you have it folks you know two jobs I can not and will not do. This lack of vocational desire meant to BWPAG despite our chemistry/pseudo dating I would be a shitastic mother and wife, apparently a year after this moment he thought me worthy for a second go 'round let's just say I didn't. I forgot to mention one of my close friends who he had no feelings towards apparently fit the bill, she was a nurse - so of course I gave my blessing...

2. My Mr Big aka the Dr. We spent hours and hours with each other etc and etc - pseudo dating the story of my life - my boss/his coworker though we were dating for months and then lo and behold one of my coworkers tells me that they're dating and she wanted to break it to me - hmmm, interesting. So I did what I firmly believe I always should do, be classy, given fake but glowing acceptance speech and then let my friends say whatever they want in regards to the situation. Let's ignore that he came to my convocation etc.

3. BI doesn't really count - I loved him, but I guess in the end I wasn't in love with him and he's happier now because he's with someone who is long term more compatible, let's just say as a whole it still kinda sucks, to be so close, yet so far away - and no that isn't a fake glowing yadda yadda speech.

Yep there are likely others I left off all the online related scuffles that all fit under the first category - oh lord - no online dating for this little girl - it's a tragic scene.

I Need A Favour

I need someone to check my texts from last night - really anything sent after 8pm. Once those are in the clear we need to find a way to convince Blackberry to develop a drunk texting app, something that will test your blood alcohol level and shut down if it's too high or something like that.

On the plus side of the evening and the reason I ended up the way I did:

1. Ms J is going to be my neighbor, we can be study buddies, sick buddies, TV buddies - we are going to have to marry twins at this rate kind of buddies. And even better there is a liquid fun store up the street so it will be awesome. All around awesome plus I have a friend who's a legitimate adult now, unlike me.

2. I looked good though who knows how I looked at the end of the evening. I mean I was fully clothed - nothing lost - though my hair might have been a fright... actually I did take off my shoes at the corner where Ms. J will be living soon, and walked home barefoot - the express bus had made me feel a little off. That really wasn't the issue, the issue was walking past the 4 police officers guarding the entrance to the venue and trying not to giggle.

3. I didn't kill myself on the BOSU in the middle of my floor

4. I was up and awake at 7am - yay circadian rhythm, I would have been up and showered and all that - but the landlord had emptied it so I wasted the last 2 hours in bed catching up on my blog reading. Y'all need to post more.

So... since I know no one is going to check my phone for me and honestly I would somehow be mortified if someone read it first before I could blog my shame, give me a second to remind myself that since AB isn't in bed next to me, it couldn't have been that bad...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/realplastictrees/2662405773/

More Updates

Sheesh you get the smell of a man off you finally somehow and then they all come out of the wood work or something like that. AL is back. Now if you remember AL was intricately weaved into the infamous night of gin and tequila and goodness knows whatever else I drank that went something like this if you need a recap.

1. AB and I had the talk - the I really like you but I'm happy single talk (First weekend of September folks)

2. Next week was the annual booze fest at AB and roommates place - I attended being the "adult," showed up 4 hours earlier on a sweltering Saturday - homemade mango black bean salsa in hand. We watched Lost and started drinking - gin and tonic, safe... all platonic at this point.

3. Two gin and tonics later AL shows up with Patron in hand and the X's and O's shot glasses come out - two down the hatch followed by another gin and tonic which I nurse (two more shots later on). At this point platonic goes out the window and the odd body part stops respecting personal space, a finger along a wrist, and foot up the back of a leg etc. This continues on for the next 4 hours. AB kept drinking - AL seeing I wasn't up for another gin and tonic so he gets me juice and keeps it coming all while staying by my side - blocking AB and being handsy all the while. I don't like handsy - especially not touching my hair... anyways AL offers to drive me home. I'm thinking well it's a ride home and not a cab on a hot evening...

4. At the door as I hug AB night night, he oh so smoothly says have you seen the terrace (look you know I haven't why ask?) - AL interjects I have and works to hustle me out. I being blonde in another life say No, and get whisked minus AL to the terrace. Talking leads to me crying then laughing then um ya, let's just say things might have gone from zero to wherever if AL wasn't texting AB and I had another location option other than the gym room lockers to be propped against - just saying. So we collected ourselves and so on and so forth - fast forward to me going on a date with AL three weeks later as BR was moving in. Date was interesting

5. Interesting = Habitual Cheater confession. REALLY, oh they sure know how to pick me.

So there we have it AL is back, offering to take care of my sick ass - because he knows AB is out of the picture. And you know what? It ain't happening - I know I'm his perfect fetish and it ain't freaking happening. Why?

Honestly aside from the cheating thing and why the hell is there even an aside to that, I don't know, it's the two year dating minimum prior to engagement he has. Um I'm getting old - so if I date you for two years, engaged for a year at best, that's three freaking years of my life. Bless you but I want kids IN wedlock and NOT out of it, so no. I am not giving you three years of my eggs lives if I have a say in it. At this point in the game a back up reason as solid as that is really good reason to keep the handsy hands off of me. Though he can cook...

CEF and the Challenges of Dating (Using Bullet Points)

In reference to a comment on a previous blog I have decided to parade out on of the skeletons in my closet, that oddly affects my ability to date.

We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.

Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.

I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.

I have taken that fear to mean:

1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.

2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.

I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:

1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became

2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.

So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.

1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.

2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....

My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.

January 24, 2010 8:52 AM

6 Word Memoirs...

I have a handful of addictions - caffeine, vodka, vintage fashion, high-high heels and book stores. Bookstores get me more excited than anyone has, well anyone other than AB to this point in my life... I know it's a different kind of excitement, but the euphoria is similar. The smell of used books makes my toes curl along with the sides of my lips as they form a smile. So in our attempt to avoid a perma-drunk state as well as get fresh air Ms. J and I found ourselves in the local independent bookstore. I left with a handful of books. One of the smallest and in many ways simplest addition to my expensive book collection is 6 Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak. The premise simple, 6 words to describe any aspect of the topic.
Some examples:
Love blooms like crocuses: dirty, brave.

It helps to label the books.

Lost my virginity to her husband.

And so the book goes on... so my dear readers I think it's time to add some to the book.

Boys suck. The End. Wanna Date? - courtesy of Ms. J

Even returned the empty conditioner bottle.

I run, catch me, we'll discuss.

Hugs from behind are not mutual.

Love = carrying me when feet hurt.

Your turn...

I Offer The Next Holiday on the Agenda

Start Planning! Actually I'm posting the video because while it may be sappy junk it has some good lines in this lovely tidbit, so while I'm drinking myself out of my slippers and under a table, artificial Christmas tree or something else other than AB who I might add I am allowed to stupidly mope about for the remainder of this year... here's my offering. And fear not my dear ones I have officially lost his number so there will be no drunk texting to be discussed, nevermind I'm going to be a whole freaking country away... though that would make for a delicious blog, but oh he of iron will is long good, good riddance I hope the next one rips him the new one that I should have or something like that... I can say that with no fear because Santa knows I've been bad this year and I offer no apologies, none what so ever for being naughty.

Therapy

I am all for cheap therapy, like completely rearranging your office the way you've wanted to for the last two years instead of say doing the accounting all while shoving as many brownies as you can in your yap...

I did that, while listening to this, and planning with AB's roommate to have dinner with her, her beau and retrieving all my stuff. I'm not out to steal friend or have people take sides, I just think this is all the shits that I have the potential to lose them all too if I don't handle things as delicately as possible, even pseudo breakups seem to be hard... I need a run.

Part 1 of 3

It was an interesting weekend that warrants an update in parts.

So DB was not dethroned via conventional methods, there was a breakdown in communication with Ms. J. I got my hormonal self out of bed finally at 4pm on Saturday to get ready. Instead of heading out I spent the evening in Velcro rollers, jeans and a Lululemon hoodie. But fear not all fun was not lost. BR and her friends has a party to attend and started the drinking early, so I was mixing my Midol and Merlot (not to be done again)... I managed to avoid the clubs with them due to my non-existent club wear. I have to say it's been an interesting year shopping wise, I've purchased almost no work clothes and instead have a closet full of running gear and some date appropriate clothing, now a club/party outfit needs to be added to combination... did I mention I don't dance, not that I have anything I against it, I can't. But we are digressing. So I watched the game with Merlot in hand, bid adieu to BR and eventually I wandered off to bed. Well lo and behold the M and M combo made me violently nauseous at about 1:30-2am, about the same time MW twitmessaged me. So in my rotating room, keeled over haze I found myself venturing into Part 2.

But we'll leave that for a moment, back to DB. He was found in the cards to be one of patience. Years have been spent on this pining and I've really just given up. The stars would have to realign and major changes to be had if this were to be. So DB is freed but well damn it as I've said a few blogs back the relationship well has most blessedly run dry.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/visiwalk/6077014/

Hormones and the Wonders of Booze

I am beginning to realize the at the reason the Twilight saga is so popular amongst the older crowd has really nothing to do with the true love and transportation to our vague and fast disappearing from our memories, teen years. It more has to do with the simple fact that Stephanie Meyers wrote a book that would suck us in and then absolve us of our hidden hormones. While we (those older than 12) might not be willing to admit it, as CW said to me when I finished the series, "Didn't she seem ridiculously horny..." to which I said almost the opposite, "Wasn't it so weird that he was restrained, never once did he cross the line ever, made him seem definitely un-human."

So here's the run down, Bella tries continuously to jump Edward and Edward plays his ironically Edwardian role of chaste lover of her heart and brain... Somewhere this all seems wrong. Okay I'm all for men respecting women - getting to know them for more than what is in their pants, but when you turn the roles so polar I start to wonder what is being said about women and their desires. Let me clarify this we want it, especially as we get older - sure there is some debate about the whole sexual maturity thing, let's say I think a lot of it is directly correlated to the I don't give a shit quotient that seems to ramp up about this time in life too - we realize that we need Spanx, anti-aging creme, exercise and all sorts of other helpers than why the hell should be we shy about wanting it. So we want it, nothing wrong with that now is there? The question is why polarize it, why make it seem like it's wrong? Or is it? Women's fiction has been consistently polarized in the opposite direction and I don't think that is far either, but I guess that doesn't make good fiction now does it. Can't have two people on equal footing, mutually consenting now can we?

The photo highlights the wonders of gin for Katie and me... tequila gives me heartburn and vodka is my friend, it wouldn't make me do the things that gin does...