The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

Fatigue

I'm exhausted. I am trying to desperately cope with this situation and it has had so many good moments, great moments of friends but my body is not supporting this process. I still cannot sleep - I lay awake praying for peace and wake sick to my stomach about the situation. I am struggling to eat, tonight's dinner was supposed to be pasta but unfortunately that didn't stay down and was replaced with two pieces of toast, later two cookies milk and now some cheese puffs. Yep the dinner of running champions.

I have decided against contacting any of his friends to apologize for getting them involved to whatever degree they are - frankly I'm horrified by his behaviour but again it is his behaviour and I've been told that my reaching out to his friends as I did was not psycho ex-girlfriend behaviour. And beyond that, I don't have anything. Yes I've considered mis-filing his thesis in our library and all sorts of other things, but at the same time it is not fucking worth it.

It all isn't worth it. Life is worth it. Love is worth it. This drama, totally not.

I'm going to peace out for a while unless drama gets even weirder at which time CEF will be unseeded for the most broken, bat shit crazy addicted to being a victim ex I have had and that my beloveds is saying A LOT, but in all this I promise no long breaks again. I found this song as part of a hunt for a good I've been dumped music mix and this is one of the more accurate of the songs.

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

Save Me From Myself

I am seriously considering asking the Douche out.  Pourquoi mon ami?  Well basically he's 99% likely to reject me and that's good odds for just getting back in the game.  See right now I think I just need to ask someone and he's a safe someone.  I know that while he's bitter and rude he's not likely to make a scene and further more he's not a friend like RB so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out.  Only problem is I do need to wait until the semester is over and that means I might have to utilize email, which while a media through which sassy messages can be sent, it also can be forwarded and just seem weird.  Any way that's where my brain is out at the moment and that scares me, especially given I have not consumed any alcohol.

Stress you are stressing me out!

Stress does weird things to me. Namely it NLLL with my food cravings - derailing a weekend worth of work in meal preparation - I cannot stomach any of it and even worse it makes me want to make out with someone - well not just anyone, but someone or a replacement lesser someone, since X is not around.  Just a good snog, nothing more needed, no emotional attachment.  Bizarre yes.  I completely get it's weird but some part of my brain is like if you just could find someone to scratch that itch you'd be able to focus on your Celtic history.  Seriously I know that's the sleep and stress seriously NLLL-ing with me but it's not that I would turn it down.

Good gracious that sounds really desperate - thanks a lot graduate school for making me a horny mess - but thanks graduate school for being so small that I wouldn't be able to return tomorrow if I acted on my brain issues.  That being said if you know where I am and want to hunt me down, I'm good to go, nothing funky for lunch was had, and I'm a habitual gum chewer...

One Week Down...

*DEEP CLEANSING BREATH*

This week had left me last night in the fetal positioning, crying.  Well they did warn us it would be difficult and I as usual committed a personal crime by under estimating the initial energy output and not preparing regardless. I had a huge list of little and big things to do this week - like buying a printer and hauling it home on the one day this week I decided to wear heels.  I thankfully managed to get it set up with very little stress.  However, this purchase brought into focus the fact that my student loan had yet to come through.  So that got me thinking - when should it come in? So I Googled and found conflicting answers - all indicating that I should have had my money already - so I started calling - waited 20 minutes with one number to be given another number to call them and then at 8pm I was cut off even though I was on hold.  Yes I know that is the end of your business hours but how about you don't take calls after that time rather then dumping those on hold.  So I emailed them and found out that it wouldn't have mattered I needed to call Ottawa... geez.  I managed after a whole bunch of craziness and multiple calls to get someone in Ottawa - and I am getting my monies - just going to take a while. *SIGH*

But really all that does not compare to the mind busting-ness that graduate school has been thus far.  But you know what I can survive that - I however, cannot abide the pretentious asshats that are coming out of the woodwork left and right and well up and down too.  Seriously men folk we went over this last week in the protocol discussion, you don't ask asshat like questions.  You DO NOT offer a 10 minute personal treatise on a subject and then ask a broad non-direct pseudo question just because you wanted to either hear your own voice in a microphone or two try and sound smart to your professor.  Neither are good reasons, trust me.  Instead we giggle and roll our eyes and pray that the professor puts you in your place - as most did in the gentlest of ways.  I however am not one for coddling fools and this is going to be interesting in time... very interesting.

So this once again reminds me to send a little post card to all the little old ladies who swore up and down I would be married after the first semester if I was single - if that is the case I would have been married before I got here.  Why? Because I would have married CEF or the next tool available.  Don't get me wrong there are nice, polite guys - they're just either married or too young or too old or that and married...

Off to bed - I need sleep so badly I worry it may have lost me and it will be a night like the others this week.



PS.  This is not for X - He is fabulous - but rather for all the crazy dipshits that I'm dealing with these days.

Medical Update

I try to keep my medical updates to a minimum as not to depress me or you - but yesterday was another medical day.  I got to have my eyes dilated and have my freckle examined.  Yes my fair and freckley skin means that I have a freckle in my eye too.  Now I learned yesterday, courtesy of the nice retinal surgeon that my freckle is likely always going to be benign.  If it was a mole we'd have a problem I should be concerned about.  However, that being said I need to have it routinely examined to ensure it doesn't become malignant.  I am not worried about the potential of cancer as much as I find it funny.  Don't get me wrong cancer isn't funny, however for my body, to have it be a spot in my eye that has the potential to be it just seems to fit to my weirdness.

So yep I could end up with a melanoma in my eye and I don't know what that would mean - but I do know it's the future, and like all things in the future - I don't need to dwell on them.

PS Wondering where the freckle is?  It's that dark pigmented area in the middle

Photo: http://www.matossianeye.com/site/blog/detail/2010/09/02/a-freckle-in-your-eye.html

Must Be Married by 2012?

Well according to CW I need to do everything I can to ensure I'll be hitched in 2012 because that's the last good year to get married in for a while.  Apparently 2013 is bad luck, there is no love in or for 2014 and who really wants to be married in 2015, I don't know - more I don't know the future to say for sure who will or will not be.

Now you're likely laughing and shaking your head as we did today at lunch over our bowls of Vietnamese food - trying our hardest not to project noodles through our noses - while CW broke down her reasons why.  Now I will not fault her for having this, in her mind well thought out, because after all she has been desperate for a ring for almost a year now and if she's going to see one before 2018 she's got to bring her A game - hard, fast and relentless in her mind.

So you still think she's crazy, A game or not - well let me give you an example of this girl's mind bending skill.  After snorting on one of my noodles, she turned to me and put it this way:

If it's not next year (apparently she's found someone for me or has her eye on someone more to the point) then it HAS to be (her emphasis) 2014, because Lord have mercy I get married in 2013 - all the bad juju and such like (funny I thought it was the people getting married and not luck that determined success of a marriage...), then by her calculations it would be 2016 before I would have my first child and that my friends would make me 3_. She kind of scared me with that number, I will fully admit that. 

So CW managed to scare me - why on Earth I let her I have no idea.  I've been there done that in the whole planning a wedding business and I know that it is all a complete waste if you are not completely head over stilettos for the person. So be it 2013 or some other prime or socially unfortunate number, when that day comes it comes.

Photo: http://www.etsy.com/listing/53362958/wedding-gown-julietta

So as to that list...

Right now we are going to have to see about that list.  See things are what they are - I am fatigued, itchy, etc.  So this weekend other than my agreed upon party - I am going to be removing the small rug we have in the kitchen/living room as well as opening up the window and trying to clean/air out things more than they normally are.

Aside from that I'm trying to ditch the soy and reduce red meat, basically take on a Ayurveda diet for Vatta-Pitta.  Now I know that it sounds off, but it is at it's root a simple whole foods diet that suggests preparation of certain foods - i.e. for me warm cooked foods are better, and I know that, I know I feel a million times better after a warm kind of mushy meal than a salad despite what's it in the salad. I'm ditching the soy because it's an allergen - not for me so far but it can be.  Apparently I should also consider removing gluten and yeast as those two are known to cause problems for IBS and chronic hive people like me.  Fun times around here - feeling like an 80 year old woman.

I Believe the Hair Colour Has Officially Entered My Brain...

I had the weirdest collection of dreams last night involving AB, a sex text, a large peanut butter cup, travelling, Texas, GRE, literary references, my Blackberry and an assorted cast of characters. Now the peanut butter cup - I know where I got that - Not So Humble Pie's blog , as to the other components - well a huge percentage is intense mulling about of future life options, and as to AB, once the great minds of the world create a liver friendly brain cleaner I will be first in line.

Actually I know why he's there on second though and that is another blog in and of itself - a question HSBFF posed to me. I digress.

I am trying to semi plan with headlong closed minded but not to closed minded perspective, all the while knowing that I will have to move from my home town and country. The PhD/Masters programs are all in another country... one being far south in Costa Rica, or in Europe. So I being that I can say I'm under the influence of peroxide and or ammonia - here are my options

1. English MA/MFA/PhD program - the rough list includes: Oregon, California and New York right now - it will be expanding - I intend on apply to 10 schools

2. 1-2 MBA/Non-profit administration courses most are on the East Coast

3. UN Peace - Costa Rica

4. Drum roll... CC would be so happy if this one happen... Culinary School.

In the end I have a year until I have to make decisions about 2-4... right now it's all about the books - Wuthering Heights has replaced Passage to India because I just couldn't stomach it.

I know the song doesn't really related but in tiny response to the vitriol being pumped out against the Olympics Games in Vancouver, I say that I am proud of it, all of it, including KD's performance (this is from a previous event)

I Need A Favour

I need someone to check my texts from last night - really anything sent after 8pm. Once those are in the clear we need to find a way to convince Blackberry to develop a drunk texting app, something that will test your blood alcohol level and shut down if it's too high or something like that.

On the plus side of the evening and the reason I ended up the way I did:

1. Ms J is going to be my neighbor, we can be study buddies, sick buddies, TV buddies - we are going to have to marry twins at this rate kind of buddies. And even better there is a liquid fun store up the street so it will be awesome. All around awesome plus I have a friend who's a legitimate adult now, unlike me.

2. I looked good though who knows how I looked at the end of the evening. I mean I was fully clothed - nothing lost - though my hair might have been a fright... actually I did take off my shoes at the corner where Ms. J will be living soon, and walked home barefoot - the express bus had made me feel a little off. That really wasn't the issue, the issue was walking past the 4 police officers guarding the entrance to the venue and trying not to giggle.

3. I didn't kill myself on the BOSU in the middle of my floor

4. I was up and awake at 7am - yay circadian rhythm, I would have been up and showered and all that - but the landlord had emptied it so I wasted the last 2 hours in bed catching up on my blog reading. Y'all need to post more.

So... since I know no one is going to check my phone for me and honestly I would somehow be mortified if someone read it first before I could blog my shame, give me a second to remind myself that since AB isn't in bed next to me, it couldn't have been that bad...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/realplastictrees/2662405773/

An Update

I made mention that I was going to see how BB was doing these days. A little back story so you don't have to read the last post, though you can... In the beginning of our interaction, he seemed sweet, attentive and well normal (you can see where this is going). He disappeared from Sbucks quite suddenly and then low and behold reappeared on Saturday morning as I stumbled in rather scantily clad in my opinion in a sweaty tank and running skirt (which is easily 3 inches shorter than I would ever dare to wear a skirt under normal circumstances). The same day he slipped his number under my bagel and I went home thinking weee, I have a date with a guy who might be less commitment phobic than AB (and that nothing would be "wrong" with him). So being that I hate the phone, I texted him to set up a date*, and was greeted with a seemingly unending sequence of lovely dovey texts. Red flag - big massive red flag, like size of China red flag. But being that I felt like making AB jealous and being the never quit kind of girl I thought I would give him a chance. I picked him up from work that Saturday afternoon - at which time I will confess it was the last place on earth I wanted to be given that I had run 10miles that morning. But I went. And it went downhill fast. In the first 5 minutes in the car I wanted to inflict pain to myself. In the following 15 minutes I wanted to inflict pain on him. Why? He gave me more personal history in those 20minutes than I gave to my therapist in the first year of therapy after CEF and it was the REAL SKELETONS, not the ones in your high school biology class. I smiled my way through lunch knowing that as my therapist says, "Fake 'til You Make It" could get me through. Fake I am enjoying it, fake that he doesn't scare me in that ewww I know WAY TOO much about you kind of way... So the issue then was this...

He gave me free Sbucks every morning... now I am in many ways a practical girl, at nearly 5 dollars a pop - that is 25/week I could smile, flirt, do whatever in platonic terms it took to get my Grande Soy Earl Grey Tea latte. Or so I thought. See the problem was he was like a 14 year old girl in love and I the unsuspecting 19 year old guy. The bigger problem was the back hugs. Back hugs are not mutual. If you hug me from behind, I am not participating, simple as that. I would cringe and normally facing the barista behind the bar, they would see the pained look on my face that I never tried to hide. I stopped going. There is no way on God's green Earth that I am that desperate.

He texted on New Years - a really really cringe worthy text. So... this week when I got desperate enough for tea and short enough on change that I really really wanted a freebie, I was shocked when I got the cold shoulder. No note on my cup, no back hug, no hi, no nothing, not even a free latte. So this would be where Ms. J would stop laughing and say this is a good thing. I am sure it is but I want a free latte. So I guess in the end I need to whore myself out to someone else, boo.

Now just in case you are wondering - I have done it before, and I will do it again - Sbucks owes me as I have single handily put at least one barista through university if not two.

Continuing on my love of SYTYCD - and someone else other than BB, take note of Ms. Stone's request and get on it.

Part 3 of 3

So as the house attempted to return to normal yesterday morning, BR replaced me in the bathroom - she had added tequila to the Merlot - and I moped the floor and the watched a full day of football. I came to realize that AB hadn't texted, hadn't really at all since I returned from Philadelphia. Something happened during that trip that I can't put my finger on, or really want to, to be honest. He's moody, he says he misses me, wants to see me, but seems to do everything to avoid that. So I might want him, I might miss him, and I might even truly love him, but those don't matter, because I know that the longer I sit here, the more it all just sours my life. So I overruled all those things and began the eternal sunshine treatment. It won't be that hard to stop the texting, but the missing him part well hell that might just feel like hell. In the end I've have enough of his silence, whether it is due to his distance in all this or somepassive aggressive moody stance, regardless I'm leaving all of this behind me.

Sure I have a shit load of stuff that has found it's way to his place over the last 6 plus months, but I can contact his roommates or really anyone else to procure all that for me whenever I feel like that, to be honest part of me wants to see him cave, find out if there is a soul in him somewhere... So there we have it, the inevitable. It still makes me sad that it would end this way. That we'd be great friends and so on and so forth and then end up here in silence. Figures.

PS. Feels a whole hell of a lot like Twilight, and yes I know I should be smacked for again referencing myself to the quality literature of Meyers, kind of makes me Team Edward after all this. Hearts are fickle things.

Everyone Meet...

AB *waves*

No I haven't added another AB, trust me, one in this lifetime is enough, would have been enough, but I think I need to stop the verbal/cranial diarrhea...but regardless.

So I found myself last night standing in the cold of the impending fall, it was cold to me, whether it was actually cold is another issue, being rude and trying find my keel again. I called AB, typing a message on FB on my Crackberry is as annoying as getting my SBucks drink made with milk instead of soy... so I had the joy of saying things in plain language like the lines on the white stick stress moment and listening to silence. Um ya AB, so you can't commit now, and you wonder why I didn't call and say hey my non-boyfriend we've got a little situation here, wondering if you wanted to come hold my hand and then run to the liquor store for a toasting beverage or a shot of courage for you. In the end the situation is as it was before - we're "friends" I'm beginning to feel that horrendous Kelly Clarkson song coming on like a deranged episode of Once More With Feeling, I'm going to break into, "don't waste your time trying to fix, what I want to erase, what I need to forget, don't waste your time on me my friend, friend, what does that even mean." Maybe this is a sign that I need to do as Ms. J has suggested, cut all ties, delete him, block him and move on... likely would be a good thing if I could do that, spending time without him is enough of a step at this moment, in time I think the other will come. Right now I'm trying to take one step at a time away from AB. Since yes we all can say I'm crazy about him and even crazier that I think that. Could someone commit me to the rehab all the celebrities go to, the ones with all the booze and drugs, that way I could get the supervised vay-cay I need. Meh, I guess it's just time to up the miles on the daily run.

For the record - I don't believe anyone can be fixed with a relationship or without or any of that business - we can be healthier - but that health thing is an individual journey in my opinion....

My Life is like the Weather - Irratic!

Okay, so I have to confess, I know how to get into a relationship, but the whole just dating for the fun of it, the whole getting to know more than one person at the same time kind of situation you see every where, it has eluded me, for various reasons. One namely I don't know that there has ever been a time where I had more than one person interested, and secondly I have always been an eliminate them long before we even get to the first date kind of girl. So that being said, let's back all this up, because if you've been reading closely, yes I have now two date propositions from different individuals. And now I'm a little baffled, we could say it's the new hair, the benefit of all the running on my J-lo, but really X has seen me with all sort of hairdos including the post gym freaky hair and in my Lulu's, and OM - he's seen me without makeup and rather scrubby and well as a red head only... Sooooo, what do we do now. Well I keep going to my local coffee haunt in the hopes of snagging him, sliding him my number or something like that and OM well he's going to get a message back on Facebook and we'll see what's going to happen. I'll keep you all abreast and while we're talking about all this - anyone got any happy CD ideas... sorry I really am but sometimes I feel like I need embrace the girl in me who just finds all this so new and crazy... who knew at this age I would feel 20 years younger overnight.

Okay so I know this song doesn't relate, but it does relate to the last time I felt like this, way back when this song was on the radio, it brings me back and the cover version, sometimes we change, but the song at the core remains the same.