And So It Went Down...

Against my normal policy of keeping explicitly grounded in real life, aka as things that cannot be blurred off the blog, I am going to post the FB discussion.

I will preface this as an example where I should have a tired-alyzer along with a breathalyzer for my laptop because 11pm is not the time I should be writing messages as I am likely not to filter myself when I really, really should because re-reading this all I can think is I sound like this:

D,

I would like to be able to resolve something that has been bothering me, now I might be interpreting things wrong, but I feel as though I have at some point done something to upset you because despite my best efforts to be intentionally cordial I keep receiving feedback that appears to be annoyance and at times disdain. Please let me know if I have done something so that I may be able to address it, if I'm just interpreting things incorrectly you can just ignore this and I will do my best to adjust.

 S&P

Hi S&P,

Thanks for making me aware of this. I'm sorry that somehow I've conveyed to you a sense of annoyance and disdain. Those are heavy words! I assure you, there is no such sentiment on my register towards you! As a rule for myself, I would rather talk about these kinds of issues in person. I looked for you around campus today, but must have missed you. Will you be on the retreat this weekend? I would much rather assure verbally than via FB.

 Best, D

The conversation settled on us meeting for coffee this morning at 9am which was totally ironic because as X will tell you I can be a raving b*tch without caffeine. I arrived without coffee or even food in my system because of course I wanted to up-chuck, I hate conflict, especially conflict with a guy.

We arrived at the same time and had shockingly probably the most light but personal conversation we have ever had, involving the realization that I've been intuitive but not quite. I have been picking up appropriately on his angst and pissy mood but they were directed at the world and not me and a being super sensitive ISFJ I just happen to be taking it personal.

So where are we at? He's going to still be the Douche and I'm going to try and be friendly while keeping in mind that any time I get his frosty attitude that it isn't personal - so that's sort of a resolution, right? Probably not now I am trying to beat back the part of me that care and wants to help him. I need that like (my head in a whole versus the alternative):

So that's where things are...

Okay I know this is odd...

But given that I am now writing about Ophelia and the issues with the responses to her death, I figured that this was appropriate....

And while Ophelia didn't have access to Youtube, we can wonder what would have become of her if she had YouTube, because honey this is so your song, there is so much more to you than Hamlet (Laertes and Polonius) while we are at it:

Bah! Eck!...

So BB was super nice to me this morning bailed me out of a jam with regards to I failed at my payroll duties thus leaving me without the money to pay for coffee etc this morning... so I was going to repay him with money and some food since BB has been so generous.  Problem is... BB being nice and me being nice back because that is the polite thing to do, is also the most efficient way to send mixed signals.  Now Houston we have a problem.  The kind of problem that makes the can of baked beans I ate not want to stay in my stomach.

I will say I have no problem being rejected, I can totally work with that, as I being a grown woman I know how to process it's not you it's me bs and I get it - I can deal with that.  I however can't be that woman to say it's not you it's me - because in the case of CEF and BB and others it has been them.  BB is sweet, but he's one hell of a broken man and I am not in the business of sewing hearts back together and weeding through more bs, lies and all sorts of issues in the hopes of finding someone who is able to walk with me through life.  I can't do that - I tried to do that with CEF, but knowing that I can't talk to another man, go out with my girls for the fear that I might talk to a guy. Sure a little jealousy keeps the passion alive and all that shit but in the end - that which burns red hot has a tendency to consume the bonds of trust really quickly.  Anyways I digress I was really really hoping that BB's departure for a far far away continent to work would make my life easier but I guess not...

Writing

I start back to school on Tuesday - eek.  To get into the swing of things or maybe as my new coping mechanism that the warming days has started to regrow - but I've been writing some more.  I have become a little pack rat carrying around pieces of paper I've written on... anyways I am conscious that I'm not sure about the narration - it sounds very much like my posts, and while I love this format a part of me LOATHES chick literature.  To be honest I think it stunts people's ability to accept beautiful complex literature, and I don't know how to avoid contributing to that, anyways, structure will get written in somewhere but right now I'm trying not to stunt the process.

Anyways the point to this is I love music, and sometimes the music starts the writing process and sometimes it comes to mind during the process.  The first song came to mind yesterday as I was writing in a cafe waiting for my acupuncture appointment and having just survived sitting next to AB in the doctor's office waiting room.  The second I came across watching Bones - like House they can have amazing songs.

Specifically the line "making every kind of silence" but hell the whole song has distinct moments of truth - the whole holding on to make it work part - not so much and I do know it ended because of personalities - mine that depended on growth and his wanted a free spirit in the lack of commitment part

Oh Ha Ha World, Very Funny

So because I think the world gets a kick out of the things that happen to me and well hell I guess I am in a position where I have to - guess what?

Well this afternoon when I'm nervously awaiting an exam that I have to have, I get to sit next to AB.  Yes AB managed to book an appointment for the exact same time with another doctor in the practice.  How this is feasible I do not really want to know.  I booked my appointment two months ago - I'm not rescheduling and he booked his yesterday... sigh.  I wish I could blame this whole appointment on him, which I could have until my Allergist suggested I needed to have it done to rule out any problems...

*Grumble* *Grumble* *Blush* *Sigh* *Grumble*

Okay World Enough!

Enough already with the highs and lows. I got the class that I registered for and then didn't get into but well you know the saga. After hours and hours of stalking the registration website I got in - awesome! 

But the daily dose of awesome ended there - I'm having an I feel exhausted, fat, ugly, ____ day - we all have them, no sense hiding it.  So it didn't help when I logged into FB to send a friend (Pastor type friend) a FB message that I would be late for coffee today, on the new feed was a slew of photos of AB and his gin tasting party.  Now I felt no slight in not being invited, but the issue is this:  I will wholly support an ex or non-ex having a positive relationship with someone (previous blog case in point), but if you have in your own words labelled a female a loose, drama loving, nowhere in life going person, who you don't actually want to be "friends with," then why do you have dozens upon dozens of photos with her clinging to you like a used piece of toilet paper.  She is not someone you should be dating.  And NO this is not where I say, pick me, ooo ooo, pick me.  This is where I want to slap you, remind you that you are 31 and not 13 and trashy ho's, or cheaters (the one before me) are only going to break your heart, cause drama and more importantly not promote anything positive in your life, except escapism.  But escapism is what it is, and it is frustrating to see it.  He's not the only guy who seems to get to this place in life where good friendships die and fluff abounds.  So AB get your shit together, or maybe I might just say you two deserve each other, but my pride won't let me at the moment.  Why? Well the other grand truth to that would be that I fell for and shared something very personal with a complete and utter douche and that is a really hard pill to swallow.  I am by no means not saying that is not the case, just I swallow enough nasty tasting vitamins in reality, I don't know if I am up for a emotional/mental one right now

PS. I am so, so tempted to put the photo up here...

A Taste of School

I started writing again - I have been seriously mulling over the idea of applying for half MFA Writing programs and half BA to PhD programs. So I'm not really going to be posting in the same way I have been - trying to channel the juices elsewhere.

I was cleaning out my inbox (I'm an email purger - I have a very small inbox) and I found a reading list I had emailed to myself. Let's look at my progress shall we?  Most are just names because I have offered myself the grace of finding whatever I can find and reading it for the author in question.


Achebe, C Things Fall Apart
Angelou, Mya - Why the Caged Bird Sings
Baldwin, James - Giovanni's Room, Go Tell it on the Mountain
Bellow, S
Brande, Dionne no language is neutral
Burgess, Anthony - A Clockwork Orange - HARD book
Byatt, A S Possession  - this was a give up - the novel is horrible, especially since I've seen the movie already
Coetzee, Waiting for the Barbarians
De Foe, Daniel
Dickenson, Emily
DuBois
Elliot, TS The Waste Land
Emerson, Ralph Waldo
Faulkner
Fitzgerald, F Scott The Great Gatsby was actually really good
Foster, EM Howard's End
Frost, Robert
Ginsberg, Alan - I LOVE Howl, but I guess I should check out the rest
Halker, Marilyn
Hall, Radclyffe Well of Loniness
Hawthorne, N Scarlet Letter
Heller, Joseph Catch 22
Hughes, Langston
Huxley, A A Brave New World
Kogawa, Joy - Obasan
Mansfield, Katherine
Marlowe, Christopher
Melville, Herman - Moby Dick
Plath, Sylvia - Bell Jar
Plato - Ulysses
Poe, Edgar Allan
Shelly, Mary Frankenstein
Shiguro, Kazuo Remains of the Day
Stein, Gertude
Walker, Alice - The Colour Purple
Washington, Booker T
Whitman, Walt
Whittier, James
Wright, Richard
Yeats

Sad isn't it - just a fraction what I need to read and I've only read a fraction of it...

Boo

My skin has decided to completely jump ship from the Normal dingy.  I woke up to patch of bleeding eczema this morning - scratching in my sleep apparently.  So I'm almost permanently patchy hives as of late - my skin is crawling, red and angry.  Add to that the eczema and my permanent state of whiteness (can't tan and I don't use faux tanners because of my skin's hate for chemicals). I really don't know if I can stand putting on a dress and standing around for a few hours Saturday night.  It's just all a little too much.

Add to this the battle with my food - the changes which while they have made me feel vastly better, there are still hiccups and other gas issues, yes I went there.  I just feel a wreck.  No running has made me even softer - and while I have actually lost weight due to the serious carbohydrate and soy reduction and well just about everything has been changed.  I feel ugly.  I know I'm not but I am going through one of those moments where the good ship lollipop has been scuttled by self issues. It doesn't help that I feel the damned desire to be floating on the luxury yault AMAZING (aka Go NLLL yourself you mean, mean boy who broke my heart and deserves to burn in the agony of the knowledge of his sins) come this Saturday.


Well one little plus I managed to get a hair appointment scheduled for Saturday evening so I won't have to worry about that whole issue given that my hair is at the rather unfortunately length of I can't do anything with it up and it darn well shouldn't be down because well did I mention I am shedding like a woolly mammoth at the end of the ice age, it wouldn't be nice to get that on people...


I have just shoved one little hole in my vessel with a GF fresh homemade bagel and now to make me feel better - something that might make you feel worse.  I have to confess I like Justin because well that's a whole other blog, but let's just say while he's fluffy and sugary compared to the world of teen idols of my generation he's actually quite clean.  I like that.  We all love the other Justin for bringing sexy back - but I am an adult and so is Justin Sr, no 13 year old girl should be worried about bringing sexy anywhere - she should be serenaded by a boy promising to love and cherish her to the best his little hormonal heart can do.





I know you're dancing - don't hide it.

Parents

I have briefly mentioned that my father is the only member of my immediate family I have contact with for reasons in many ways too complicated to explain. However in regards to my mother - I have ceased contact in part for the very reason HSBFF would love to and maybe some of you. Mothers bless their hearts have strong opinions, especially in regards to their daughters and their daughters futures. Though HSBFF is married with a kidlet her mother is attempting to make her presence known.

Some of us, like HSBFF and myself have been raised with honor you parents, but when did the honoring mean altering your adult life course to minimize conflict. I did it for many years while in university doing whatever needed to be done to keep my mom quiet. In the end I realized the best option for both of us was for me to sever the ties - she no longer could nag, and I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted and she had to live with it. The odd thing is I know what she would be saying right now:

1.Graduate school is crazy, you know what happened when you wrote the MCAT - I'm not going to comfort you when this fails too.

2. Moving? See you know you're always trying to run away, you never deal with your problems. To which she would add you're trying to make sure my grandchildren never see me, you know how hard that was on your Oma. For the record you moved ran away from home and stayed away...

3. Why are you running marathons, you know you had those foot problems and you look the same (ie. why haven't you lost weight). To which I have tried to explain - no nagging injuries and I run for sanity.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/24647350@N08/2638469382/

Weird, no?

HSBFF and I have been commuting together for the last little while and given that there is almost 15 years of history between us the conversation is always candid and a little odd for those sitting around us on the train.

Topic for discussion? OM and BV and CW's attempt to set me up (hasn't happened yet so don't worry you didn't miss anything). I was commenting that I tease OM, knowing that he considers me "hot" and "sexy" (who says that to a friend/pseudo date?) but he didn't think we'd have an intellectual connection... this coming from a man who is looking for two types of women - his 50's homemaker archetype and a wildness distinctly un-feminine women... so I hug him a little longer, flirt like crazy with him - it makes him blush and gives me my retaliation for being made to feel simple. BV also made me feel simple and over educated all in one fell swoop... he is in R&D for a medical engineering firm - when I asked scientific questions I got ridiculous responses so in detail that is was annoying and when I tried to engage in mutual intellect discussions he either lacked that or was uninterested. I once again felt like a piece of meat. CW's boyfriend is treating me like that too - he is the bridge to the blind date and apparently his refusal to set it up has nothing to do with my brain...

So this is sounding narcissistic and vain. Do I think I'm a stunner, a head turner - oh goodness no. To be honest if there are men out there who think so they can keep moving (though according to HSBFF who keeps pointing them out they aren't). Why? Because I don't like feeling objectified, and I know that that is universally not the intent with such attention, but for me it feels like that. I dress modest for the most part - sure when I'm out partying the girls are out - they're still not at my knees and so for the next few years they can see the setting sun for a little while, but the rest of the time - nope. The only time I would consider wearing a short skirt is a running skirt which has shorts and I almost always wear it over tights... I digress. The point? HSBFF thought it was hilarious that life was torturing me - when I was younger I was known only for my brain and know that I'm older and want to be known and respected for my intellect, I'm getting almost only attention for my very average looking body... WHAT GIVES? Then again I always held to the belief that men's tastes would develop, maybe they have to the point that my child bearing hips are more important than my brain... or maybe that's a digression in taste...

"Music" choice

Babies Part Deux

For the love of all things beautiful and covet worthy like this home in NYC or this one in Paree (Paris) I should not be around babies. Ack my uterus has taken over, it's more then just talking at me, it's yelling and starting a war, a revolt, a coup. That's it it's start a coup over my brain, my heart and my freaking common sense. I see a baby, and the only thing I can concentrate on it BABY, OOOOOOO BABY, OOOOOOOO, SO CUTE, BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!!! Is all my precious hormones are pumping through/screaming at my brain and insisting they get. I have officially banned myself from children. Yes Ms. J I am the one who more often then not swears that they are evil, originating from the same place as pantyhose runs and spilled food on a first date, lipstick on your teeth and all that. Evil. And maybe they still are for trying to in their cuteness start an internal revolt from the semi bottom (the uterus) up. I won't have it, I'll send in the military if I have to... or maybe just get my ass back on the pill lest I really do something incredibly stupid and alcohol fueled with AB and note I am aware that INCREDIBLY STUPID would be an understatement in that regard.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jane_sanders/2768212019/

Last Weekend...

So we are going to back track a moment or two... since well I have the luxury of Ms. J's older laptop for the day so that I don't go insane stuck at home with a grand total of like 8 channels, when you subtract the French and Chinese language channels, and well you should throw out the government sponsored ones as well - they are never much fun... anyways.

I still can't really breathe and my body doesn't want to let me sleep, go figure. So I get to blog.

Now, I am going to divulge some information, so that if you were a really good stalker you can find me weekly... note if you do find me one of these times, make sure I've completed all my coffee first - it ensures I'll be nice to you and even if I'm not that the coffee won't end up on you...

I have a weekly date with my father at the local high end/organic grocery store/chain - we have coffee, I talk about my life and we swap recipes etc - it's an odd relationship no doubt. It was already odd enough, this week I added whispered yelling as my voice trying to hold in there and he added so how are you and AB? Oh bless your soul dear parental unit. So I had to tell him that AB is fine. But AB is a man child, an epidemic sweeping this nation great in size and a love for a particular sport, but while I may love him, and he in a drunken text may have claimed the same... I am putting my life on hold while he figures out if at 31 he's ready to shed his Peter Pan like ways.* So I left out the drunk text, the pseudo dating and as a whole glossed AB into a neat bundle in an attempt to reassure him that no more CEF like characters would be entering the picture and that maybe, just maybe one day I can meet a normal boy er man. Though as I learned in my blog surfing this morning, "who needs romance when you can have complication" that is sort of my mantra these days, though I don't know if it should be.

*Oddly enough he was Peter Pan's shadow for Halloween...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cara2393/2974763573/

Part 2 of 3

So about MW.... Hmm, what do the kids call it these days... Sorry I guess before I reveal that I should back this story up. As I was watching the shitty paint job my landlord did on the walls of my room circle around me, MW was busy FB messaging me (after the initial tweet)... he's got a computer and I have a Crackberry, it's about the only way we communicate...

Apparently all the hormones that had left my body had found their way into a boy with a case of cabin fever and a desire to make me blush. I believe you young'ins call it sexting, wasn't quite that but let's just say he wasn't discrete. So there I was trying to figure out how to remove the picture of AB in my head that was accompanying MW's descriptions, I know I am really horrible, and all the while I was trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. Since when did I start wearing an open for all and any business sign because contrary to what seems to be happening that ain't the case. So anyways MW enjoyed himself and I occupied the swirling room, tile floor sitting time with a little humor. So back to this general issue, I expressed to MW I'm not that kind of girl - I love/loved AB so I could rationalize the dysfunctional nature of all that, but well MW is a friend at best, we don't hang out, he lives on a island and all that, and while there are those that argue that's great, it will happen and I can kick him from my bed and the mainland and be done with it. Well I know my heart won't have any part in it. Why is that we think that our hearts should?

PS Next time I drink please just take my phone from me and well maybe I just shouldn't drink, combine medications and fluctuating hormones...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nshepard/1263499165/

A Lesson for the Young Ones and My Future Self

Don't give your heart to a boy who can't commit. Don't give one ounce of yourself beyond that moment where those words come out. Like that moment where you stood in the dying moments of summer, where you felt that chasm grow within you and the desperation that squeezed that wound shut with the ferocity you've never known. Don't stay to watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees, don't wait for the seasons to change in the hopes that the cold outside will somehow make him want to warm his heart with your care/love. Don't find yourself standing in the rain at odd hours waiting just to see him, to hug him, to be there and feel your heart race, for the world to back go back to the way you want it for just a moment, the rotational momentum of the world is stronger than anything he makes you feel.

He might say he misses you, he will make you think he does really care about you, really genuinely feel the same way. He might, but he doesn't really until that moment when he grabs your hand in public, when you aren't just the friend with every benefit but those words. Those words somewhere in all the feelings and moments come to amount to so much more. Don't give your heart without those words, even if you are aware that hearts are messy, lives are messy. If you do, you'll have this moment to look back on, you'll remember the want you feel towards AB. May it serve as a reminder.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orangeacid/173503843/

Struggling

I would like to say amidst all this dating* that I've managed to come to some grand epiphany other than the one that shouldn't get repeated again - I have an issue with that one. The last two dates, correction all but BV have shared too much, and BV couldn't hold a conversation. Look fellas, I know I'm a talker, I work my brain - my feelings and all that out, out loud or in print - which is close enough, and I somehow, just barely have figured out the whole self censor business. Yes I've developed a challenging situation with the NLLL, but I know that the following can cause silence and really awkward situations:

1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...

2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.

3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.

You can tell me the following:

1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...

2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.

3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc

4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.

But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:

1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky

2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...

3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.

I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...

So It's Been Quite the Morning

I got my nose scoped - and to borrow AB's comment - Listerine would have been my preference too, but well it wasn't and it wasn't like that either - but my nose hurts now. My heart though, is numbish - like I wish my nose still was... but I guess I don't get what I wish for, or get the reason behind my facial challenge.

In other news more related to the blogging - I have decided to separate myself from AB for about a month - post first run to try and let space and time reform the friendship and remind myself that I can't kiss AB or let him kiss me, because the last time I checked my definition of friends didn't leave room for that kind of activity, especially when AB has his heart and head in one place and his hormones elsewhere. That dynamic as I said to V last night puts me in a place where if he pushes one more button emotionally and he will see the part of my personality few know - I may be an intensely loyal, a bruise easily type of person and that I'm fine with, but I have this part of me that can be unwilling to forgive you if you cross a line, I have a tendency to write you out of my life - I don't want to do that to AB. So I will be spending my monthish running, cleaning and getting used to a new person in my life. I also plan on seeing a new member to the discussion (see the list) for coffee - per AB's suggestion, attending one of OM's torturous parties, and basically making sure I keep my hands off my cell phone - I know I'll be better for it - hopefully AB will be too - I know his phone will be a lot quieter.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fizzybenilyn/429476399/

Really?

Okay so I will say that my memory is a little foggy given the time that has passed since the event. V and I attended a local concert (the Fray!) and it forced me to accept two things. One I do totally heart band boys in skinny jeans - blech I know, but Mr. Slade makes my heart skip a beat or two despite the skinny jeans. I will say no skinny jeans on non-awesome instrument playing boys... any whos. While at the concert V got hit on by a South African who I must say though somewhat cute, and I stress the somewhat, he seriously failed. For one, joking while picking up a girl, even if not intentional should be restrained. There comes a point where everything that comes out of your mouth is not believable and you in the process of trying to make yourself look fun and carefree begin to look like a complete ass. And what's worse? That's you sober. So ya, and now you get to ask me really? Because I gave into to my starved brain and texted BV last night... I am going to try and get me some emotional support, that maybe even more difficult a time than Mr Slade has trying to shimmy into those skinnys.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahbergen/3794839809/

So 8 hours later and one brief bus ride later...

I found myself sitting at my kitchen table, post non-brain clearing, non-emotional purging shower, eating coffee flavoured hagan daaz from the container while waiting for my sheets to dry wondering, wondering what the hell is all this. Really what is it, because I think I need to know, know that something in all this is true, has some basis in reality, has some purpose, because I for the first time in my life went on two dates* in one week with two different guys nonetheless and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and go, hmph, or more to the point WTF. When does this murkuier than mud, dance of a thousand missed facts and distorted perceptions becomes something different?

I spent 8 fucking hours with BV yesterday and all I got was a little side hug, like if you are not interested then lie, I don't care if you ditch me after the coffee and a walk, go for it, but don't go for dinner and then a movie and then walk me up Hastings to the bus stop at Main, wait for the bus to come for me and then give me a shitty hug and no further response. This is what I would like to clarify for the men as MIXED signals. Yes folks that it is fair to say is mixed, because your actions say you wanted to spend time with me thus the 8 hours, hell I stuck around because of that, and yet NOTHING. All I would like, all any girl would like is, if you are interested, which your actions are implying you are, is one a decent hug and maybe I'll call you or even if you are really interested another activity or something. It isn't that complicated, no sweeping romantic gestures needed, dude not looking for flowers, candlelight or a romcom to be the next movie choice, just a little sense of direction. So maybe I'm just burnt out, maybe I'm frustrated, maybe I just feel like a looser, like after you go on endless job interviews and while they seem to be good, apparently they're not... I don't know but there you go.

Run down of yesterdays events - coffee, jazz fest, bird poos on BV, wait for BV to get cleaned up, walk, talk, walk and walk and talk, get tired, have dinner - my credit card is decline - equal embarassment day, walk in the pouring rain minus the umbrella - and I in white, BV picks movie, walks me to bus stop, I text when home safe and that would be the night. I ended up confused, unable to sleep and so of course texted AB - for the love of mini doughnuts, it is all one big freaking mess.

*or pseudo dates or even date dates

Oh Why, Oh My

Somedays I wonder what will befall our next generation of single women. According to Cindy Guidry, the men have already become women and the women we've not really become men, we still need men - most of us. The reason I pity our upcoming generation of single women is not that I already lament our generation's pick of men - who knows maybe the next crop can pull it out of the bag, though given the scene that unfolded outside the Art Gallery on Friday night, likely not.

Now I have to preface this by saying I always find it amusing when men try to pick me up, more accurately I find it embarrassing, mortifying and normally find myself dumbstruck as to the reason and the method - which comes out as me laughing.

J and I were leaving our post dinner movie and walking to our respective bus stops when there was a group of young, and I emphasize young men walking closely behind us. Their encroachment combined with their subtle chatter about us started us giggling.
The convo went down like this:
"Do you ladies smoke" Okay so it's beyond the year 2000, but anyways
"No"
"Well that's a shame" - Is it? I mean the last time I checked I was preventing numerous cancers, gross nails and smelliness.
Silence
"What are your names" - I can tell J's getting antsy, me - well I see the corner ahead.
"J" silence, then "J" - From the silence I could tell they were trying to decide if we were lying about having the same names.
J in desperation whispered "I'm too old for this."
I whispered, "Maybe we should tell them we're in therapy"
J retorted - "What like Couples Therapy?"
Of course I had to respond "Given their age I think that will backfire"
Thankfully we were at the corner and could make our respective breaks for it.

Now bless their young hearts for making me doubt my usage of Botox and anti-aging products, I mean maybe I look too young... Then again as I said to C that night - I don't get it, they saw all of what? The back of our heads and the side of my face. They don't know anything beyond my fabulous taste in handbags and that I'm taller then J. You know I understand a guy approaching a woman in a restaurant/bar or other social setting, but 11pm at night on a street when all you've seen is her bundled up backside, that's when you've lost me.

You want to know what's even sadder - I've had more pick ups from behind than from in front - I guess I manage to style my hair well in the back, even though my arm length makes using the flatiron difficult.

Photo: http://flickr.com/photos/23017963@N00/114390867/