A Little Bruise to the Heart

I have spent the last 6 years working to have transparency in all my relationships since CEF. I know I have not always been completely transparent and I know I have not always made the decisions others would have or would have wanted me to make, but I have felt in everything I have learned and tried to make changes.

But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.

All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.

So that's that.

Some Days

9.5 days out of 10 I find myself thankful that things have gone down the way they did. I'm not thankful that it hurt like NLLL NLLL or any of the drama, but big picture thankful. The .5 comes from the small picture dwelling moments and the moments like this morning thinking about a conference I passed up because of a wedding he was to be a groomsman at in LA the same weekend. We discussed in January buying the tickets and were going to but the wedding was bumped a weekend and some of the drama around that on the family's end paused that (Hallelujah, I do not have to deal with getting rid of that ticket, and at the same time woah we went from discussing trips and all sorts of things to well whatever, moving on).

But in the moving on, I've realized I really like long distance relationships for one thing - break ups. I do not have to worry about CEF (99.9% of the time) or his other friends, co-workers, church community etc, but with LG I run into his friends all the time and there is this long awkward pause. And right now I'm reading it as, so you've been absent in church the last month and LG hasn't said anything (he would rather die than reveal anything personal) so what's the deal? Even the prof I TA for was surprised I changed churches... yes we all know what that means.

I would rather everyone be nosey or just act like it never happened and treat me like the student I was before the breakup and still am.

And more importantly I would like to restate (not just repost the following, as I've updated it a little from the original)

Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children, the commitment hesitant and the whatever LG was.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into any man's hands or a spine into their back and nor do I really want to for either.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed (yep), a little bruised (or a lot) and maybe even damaged deeper, BUT, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations with friends who honour vulnerability even when it's icky, even when it's hard.

Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

Thanks friends!

A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.

ALL.THE.FEELINGS

I have been trying to avoid posting because I do feel like it's a bit of a big secret to keep from LG and its the kind I know he wouldn't like me keeping. But I'm trying to process my feelings and whether I hit publish or not on this post, I need to express them.

It's been great - yes things are moving possibly faster than I would have ever imagined, though to be honest I'm not sure what I imagined and maybe that in and of itself it the most nerve-wracking part. I don't know if I knew what this would be like - the disorientation. I feel swept up, caught in something moving that I never expected and didn't ever think to plan for and I'm not sad by that but I am nervous after CEF and given that X and I moved at really a glacial place and were long distance - I didn't have to schedule my life around him.

I am afraid the other shoe will drop and this will all become horrible or I'll wake up one morning and wonder what massive bad acid like trip I found myself on again. As if I cannot make the right choice for myself. I am possibly too sensitive to the desires of those around me. I still struggle when I hear people say well you deserve better, you deserve someone more _____. I might. But by who's standard, theirs? or mine? If I am happy, if I feel safe, if I feel that this person is someone I could raise children with, love that long term love and all those things if it doesn't look like X or he isn't _____ is that wrong?

I don't know what finding that one person is suppose to feel like - I hear it's suppose to feel like butterflies, it's suppose to feel like all sorts of things and you'll just know and you'll just... and it seems to become a spiral I cannot find myself out of, one that uses comparisons and others experiences.

I don't know what will happen long term, how we'll find balance or if he'll go to the UK or if he's truly the one and feels the same or if I'll panic and pull the plug and keep being single - after all that is the easiest. It is so much easier to keep people to a degree present in my life, to not change, to not be pushed, to not push someone else, to not depend on someone, to make decisions with someone else. And while those things terrify me, what if it is in the end like all the hard decisions you make in life one of those things you have to just start doing, even if it does scare you shitless.

At the end of the day we're all messy, we all have things our significant other's family's feel they should have aimed higher for, whether it's our health or education or looks or even age - as LG's has been balked at a few times and yet we make choices. We have a choice to choose who we choose.

And DD update - saw him at a concert event LG took me to and it's not there - the spark, the whatever he had that used to give me cold sweats in his presence has disappeared. It was kind of fascinating. 

Losing My NLLL

Here's the deal I came to this eHarmony business with zero desire for it to be successful if I'm going to be truthful.

So maybe that's why this whole thing has shaken me - maybe it's because if I'm honest, I'm beyond scared of the idea of committing and having babies - more of making the wrong decision.

Hell I didn't really dodge the bullet with CEF, I just managed to get out of it without major injuries.

Each day I try to step closer to the idea of dating someone I realize just how deep those wounds were and how insecure I am with all this - I would love to say I've got my NLLL together. The fact that I don't know what is going on Friday (other than the theatre) - yes no messages since Sunday and no texts and that I'm letting him do some wooing or all my life choices aren't pressing in on me but they are.

So what do I do - well I tell you about them, so I can laugh about the awkward first date bullet dodged of the handshake, hug or kiss dynamic and so I can share my crazy and then I listen to this which is the antithesis of who I'd ever want to be in this dating dynamic but somehow listening to this makes me feel a little better about everything.

CEF and the Douche...

A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.

"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."

So the thing is the name is going to stay.

Why?

Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.

The message in case your wondering,

"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."

I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.

I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.

As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.

So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.

And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:

A Case of Empty Bed Syndrome

I posted a long time ago about this issue, here.  Most days I am too damn tired or just emotionally disconnected from that aspect of my sexuality, often intentionally delineated because I do not have the space and time in my life to wrestle with it and its feelings. But this morning, even last night, as I laid down all I wanted was someone in my bed, to hold me.

It is hard to deal with but thankfully often easy to forget in the swirl of papers and everything of the deep security of that human contact, of any really deep human contact, especially that from a man. And I will even say it's a little frustrating to be reminded that I do really need it and that it can make me feel all sorts of things I don't know if I really want to at this time. I don't blame the reason for these feelings. But it has given me big things to consider. Like why I felt guilt, like I was cheating on X. Now my brain and heart know it's been a very long time since X and I were a couple and I know he's not coming back around, and as much as I love him, he and I are slowly drifting apart in time and life - what either of us truly needs we are neither.

Now I know there will be questions of subplot/background, I will say only that MW stopped by for a visit during one of his many intentional wanderings across the country. It was crazy to think of the circumstances we had met under all those years ago in the Fall of 2007, even crazier to think that the date that ended with a handshake and a slightly bruised heart for me, became a great supportive friendship where hugs are safe place and a place of growth.

That growth? I realized something sad and profound about myself, the size of my partner/interest has since CEF, and even before him had a significant weight in my life. Not their weight but their height, their presence. It's this small place of fear that still somehow has a voice that says if he's bigger than me, he can hurt me. I realized that this semester when a new student being friendly struck up a conversation with me, and all I could think was you're too tall and at the same time why the NLLL am I scared.

I guess I'm always a work in progress - and who knows maybe that's why the space in the bed next to me is empty - it's where my brain needs to reside on mornings like today rather than the warmth of a safe man.

Postscript: Apparently I forgot to mention that now I'm fighting off the needies? The conscious understanding that what I want and what I need may be fine but the expectation that someone else can, should or even be asked to address those needs is beyond unfair... putting the head before the heart before the other h words too

Apologies

First, I want to apologize for being slow and sporadic at posting - for these past few weekends I blame my marathon (yes I did actually run the Portland Marathon this past weekend) and my usual nemesis grad school.

Second, I am likely to be sporadic with the posting in the future because within the next month I hope to have my new blog up and running.  I will be very different in content from here so fear not there will be continued life/dating updates that I would like to work through in this less public venue.  And yes once it is up and running you will all know about it.

Third, KAB has suggested we keep Mr Supersmart on the list of potentials and not her list but mine... I've decided that the maybe list can have some occupants - how they get on to the yes list, well that's a little more complicated and I don't know if I have the mental space for that right now.

Fourth, I am returning to the town where CEF used to live, where all the drama when down over 4 years ago.  WTFOMG I am sure is one of the questions/exclamations going off in your head right now.  Well for one he lives on the opposite of the country now - so I have a few states of buffer, and two I think the time has come that I close the parts of that journey and open myself up again.  I don't foresee myself getting married any time soon, as it would require a willing man, I do know that there are questions in the back of my brain about getting that close to the isle and then going the complete opposite, is it a journey I can do now even healthy.  I need to know that I am a different person, because there are definitely days where regardless of the years of having my head examined and sitting with the messes and the pain, I still wonder if I am the same completely broken woman who is going to make the same mistake.  I know conceptually I am not, I know X was a good relationship/is a good man, but I still think I need to own the whole CEF things to the degree I can.  Don't worry I'm not going to go crazy and hunt him down to apologize - to be honest I am breathing a massive sigh of relief that the school email I used to have will be closed down this month - no more contact loose ends.

Fifth, I ran the marathon with my family (PU and Sibling) and not that that matters - crossed the line and this guy who we basically ran with the whole marathon congratulated me - he was so cute and being that I was low on necessary brain sugar for flirting, just smiled and said thanks.  Damn it brain, you'd think there would be a special reserve for essential life functions.  So being random I checked out CL for a missed connection.  Who knows maybe we did have enough of a connection and I can't remember it.

Well we didn't but this guy did and I wanted to post it purely for the line I bolded below:

"I know this is a long shot- with 6000+ runners, but I thought I would take a shot anyhow!

You- brown hair, green tan tank top, sunglasses and black skirt, probably around 30ish? You passed me going up the hill to the bridge. You made miles 17-24 much easier because of the amazing view I had running behind you ; ) How do you look gorgeous while running a marathon. I wish I had looked at your bib to get your name. Lost you at mile 25ish as leg cramps came rolling in for me. Guessing on your pace you were under a 3:45??? Damn girl.
Me- 6'2, gray shirt and black shorts, short hair, and unfortunately, disgustingly sweaty while dreaming of the girl running in front of me. Last mile hopping and skipping like an idiot, glad had left me in the dust so I didn't have to act suave as my calfs seized up. Oh well- I finished under four hours- so can't complain too much.

You kicked ass (mine included). I would love to run with you sometime (or even just behind you again) and then get some drinks : ) Hope to hear from you."


Sure there are some ass comments, but I completely get that considering there isn't much else to look at - calves, backs and asses are about it - but that aside - I must confess I like a man who is okay with acknowledging he's been beaten and being humorous about it.


So that's about it.

Reading Break!

BWSMU it is!  And he's gone MIA again... I really have to say that mixed signals are my biggest frustration, especially with the younger boys...

Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures.  The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.

Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.

You'd Think We Were Past This

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home.  In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am.  Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again.  Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder.  It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever.  Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt.  Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then?  Do I change my name?  Do I tell my future school I've got a  CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours?  Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago.  I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

Advice to a Younger Me

I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.

My first piece of advice - Date.  Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage.  I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE.  There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you.  Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent. 

Actually it's incredibly practical.

1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk.  You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....

2.  It teaches you want is important to you.  I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that.  But you know what? I REALLY love books.  BV didn't like to read.  I found that out and the conversations started to fumble.  They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job.  You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough.  I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God.  You know what?  It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on.  And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.

3. It teaches you that you are worthy.  In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this.  Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords.  You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.

4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry.  You might be BFF's.  But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF.  Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter.  Seriously.  If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.

More Music

I've been dwelling on the topics of long distances, jealousy, growing up and the explosion of marriage around these parts. 

Edit - I had a long blog post about CEF - but since I'm over him and heading for a long bath I'm not going to leave it up - I do not need to be projecting more negativity.

As to the video it was done apparently with a real light bright - check it out on YouTube for the full effect

*Sigh*

Paper is kicking my ass, I'm exhausted from life and I more than want sleep, I need it.  But oh well. So yes we will be ever slowly progressing forward on the whole signing up business, now that it has been suggested that I just suck it up and use my Twitter identity, since my Tweets are for the majority intentionally vague.  You know I will say some days I feel like I'm in the witness protection program or something and that one small slip up with come back to haunt me.  Now I know those who don't know CEF think I'm crazy, and those who do wonder why I haven't made other actions.  For me it's a fine balance of having someone else keep an eye on his location and general status (we have a mutual friend who vaguely keeps me updated - her choice not mine) and I do everything I can not to pop up on his radar in any way shape or form, and the rest I control by limiting his ability to find me in any location.  So given all that I will say that all the sh*t associated with CEF is not reflective of online meeting/dating or men in general.  No rather it is reflective of a man like Othello and Leontes (damn paper) who chooses to view women as the source of all evil in the world, instead of looking at himself.  And because he sees women that way it affects his actions... so on and so forth and yadda yadda.

So all that's left for me is to pick some pictures from Ms. J's Flickr and go forth into the gray and murky yonder.

Birthday Wish

I have finally decided what I want for my birthday this year - NO MORE TESTS!

I would like to take this opportunity to run down all the tests/appointments I've had in the last 12 months, which we could actually just say the last 6 months... this list is also my grand thank you to accessible health care because I can just imagine the kind of debt I would have if I had to consider paying for all of these:

September
General Practitioner visit (GP)
Sinus X-ray
Ear Nose Throat (ENT) visit - nose scope

October
Head/Neck MRI

November
General Practitioner visit

January
General Practitioner visit x 2

March/February
General Practitioner visit

March
Allergist - skin testing
General Blood work
Allergy Blood work
Tested also for STI's, Autoimmune, Parasites, Organ failure - via blood and stool (I know you wanted to know that)

April
Acupuncture

May
Acupuncture
Allergist (no answers)
Chest x-ray
General Practitioner - Physical (oh fun times)
More blood work!!

June
Abdominal and Pelvic ultrasound

I have to say there better not be anymore - I refuse, well I refuse to see anyone but my very nice and possibly handsome sports med doc (he's married) so I go just to talk to him - he's just super nice... not the point though - I want good health and no more tests.

As an aside there is much talk that everything is just stress related, and yes while I have gone through at lot of stress in the last few years a part of me wants to say that this just is damn well not fair and I know life isn't fair, but here's the deal.  I left a toxic (read:abusive) relationship with my ex-fiance and my mother and received and still receive therapy for other and related abuses, I've head my shit together for the most part, sure balls were dropped etc, but why when this was in the end the right thing to do is my body crapping out on me.  HELLO, you think you would be happy, aware that this is all good and a bazillion times better than being married to CEF and likely knocked up and around a few times...  Anyways Wednesday morning rant for y'all

Looking Forward while Remembering

It is technically the first anniversary of my un-wedding (though I view it as the second given that I celebrated it last year).

Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor.  I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.

1.  Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad.  I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above,  eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus.  This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.

2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again.  While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is.  The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat.  Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.

3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by

4.  Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman.  Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it.  We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements.  I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.

5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along.  This is not good.  This is CEF.  I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after.  He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was.  I wanted him to be someone else.

6.  What you see is what you get with men,  if you are okay with what you see then great be friends.  If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.

7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line.  She didn't run at the sight of my pain.  Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way.  I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.

8.  Ms. J was only successful because I let her be.  Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.

9.  You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.

10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other?    Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.

Attention

Next weekend marks the second year of my not wedding anniversary.  Now I am aware marking my not wedding anniversary firmly slides me onto the cusp of true and utter bitchness.  I am fine with at - hell I ran my first half marathon in Oklahoma nonetheless last year just so that I could say to the cosmos Damn It - I will learn from this, move on, be true to myself and all that good stuff.  I'm not going to make this some big sap fest.  Last year was hard, I last year was still living with the knowledge that it could have happened - I could have somehow sealed my fate to CEF because I am, as you might have noticed, damn well stubborn.

Anyways to avoid major disclosure and all that - I know that for now CEF is living in Philadelphia - I am safe and the world spins on (cue the Weepies song), so in light of that next weekend I will attempt to take whomever I can with me and drink to true love (spoken very Princess Bride-esque). I do believe that there is the kind of love that grows to people together and older/wiser/more mature etc.  I also believe that because we are all flawed love and relationships do and will have their flaws.  That future person wherever they are is there for a reason and I am here for a reason and we will just have to keep trucking on in our own self growth until those paths cross.  I have been gaining hope/inspiration from my grandmother (dad's step mom) who married in her late 50's.  They have been married 25+ years.  She was a nurse, an artist, a farmer and many many things before she was married in a time when being single meant well a lot more nasty things than it does now.  In the end she has had two amazing lives and is one of the most honorable and talented women I know.  So I fear not the world of singleness - I do however fear the world of my own shitty judgment - at least we know I dodged the CEF bullet in time.

Now just in case you weren't aware of the Weepies, a couple that met by happenstance and became this and so much more:

CEF and the Challenges of Dating (Using Bullet Points)

In reference to a comment on a previous blog I have decided to parade out on of the skeletons in my closet, that oddly affects my ability to date.

We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.

Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.

I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.

I have taken that fear to mean:

1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.

2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.

I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:

1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became

2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.

So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.

1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.

2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....

My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.

January 24, 2010 8:52 AM

This Makes Me Angry and Feel Oddly Helpless

In regards to CEF... we don't talk about him that often or even because I don't really like reliving the terror/fear he brings up... but because of that fear, I also keep a cautious eye on his moments, sort of like a make sure you don't cross any major borders, stay in your time zone kind of thing... I have a friend who does this for me normally but since they've lost touch, I had a recent look, we have an issue of sorts.

I am going to be spending some time in a city that he now lives in, since what the hell when, and now I'm trying to figure out how to hide while I'm in this said city. Yes I'm aware it's a large city, I'm also aware fate/life has a very cruel sense of timing, and I wouldn't for the life of me be surprised if I saw him... so I'm trying to figure out what kind of disguise I'm going to have to factor in... I've dyed my hair since the separation and I'm pretty sure he isn't aware of that given those pics have been limited for security reasons... beyond that I'm not sure what I can do other than leave it off my Facebook status so no one gives him an inadvertent heads up - since we still have mutual friends.

Happy Friday...

Case of the Giggles...

CW is giving me a case of the giggles discussing Edward and her own Edward if you would like to call him that, I know he would have no objections to such a term. He's going as such at Halloween much to his own risk I am sure... Twilight, Twihards and all those peoples I have to say that you were dissected by me for X who looked kind of frightened by the whole sparkly vampire thing and the OCD kind of mindset that comes from reading the book - the whole stay in your stinky pajamas...

Other funny convo fragments:

He wants me to put sparkles on him
You know that you're putting him at risk of bodily harm
It's fine the sparkles would just be on his head, besides everything below his head is all mine
You just want to bring that angry Gemini side out don't you
*Snicker*
Just be ready, really ready

He says he wants to live like the 50's, why doesn't he do it and marry me?
What and have a loveless marriage?
No no no, you know what I mean
Sorry read too many of those feminist books.

You know you can sit
No I'm fine
Sorry I like to sit, and now I feel lazy - You know you can file from your chair, just lower the seat...

So what are you two, did you sleep alone?
What do you mean?
Did you have the talk?
Not really, he FB'd me
So
So...
*Rolls eyes*
Don't start with me, because I don't know where to start with him

He wants to give me a promise ring
What a ring that says I'll consider being committed to you
Ya one of those, *rolls eyes*
*Inserts finger in mouth*...

I might just have found AB's theme song

Theme songs are a common thing around here, music can often sum up things better than any words I could string together - CEF and OM had one, BV didn't validate one, but I stumbled across this one in anticipation of a concert last tonight and I feel like maybe it needs to be shared...

Slow down sister cause I just can’t love ya
But I just can’t get you off my mind

I ain’t your fool, I’m not falling
I’m not falling in love with you
I play by my rules
And believe me
You don’t want me too close to you

And even though you look so fine
I’ve been on this broken road one too many times

So slow down sister cause I just can’t love ya
But I just can’t get you off my mind
Oh and Lord knows I need ya
But I just don’t want to
Put this rusted heart upon the line

I’ve heard people say
That I’m crazy
That I’m crazy for avoiding you
But honey I got my freedom
And my reasons
All the reasons for what I do

But that last kiss just did me in
And I don’t wanna look at you as something
More than a friend

Oh slow down sister
I’ve got to make you mine
Oh all I’m asking for is just a little time
A little more time