Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

We're Getting All Rebellious In Here

This post might be a bit hard to understand but I'll do my best to explain where I am coming from. I was raised in a family that took certain aspects of their ethnic/religious group/religious beliefs to what some would consider extremes. One such "extreme," dancing was and still is strictly verboten (forbidden).

While there are some religious circles who believe dancing leads to sex, Mennonites seem to believe that sex leads to dancing, which is to say that it is the worst possible activity a single 31 year old woman could be engaging in, even if she was, as I was last night, very clothed.

I still remember my mother's reaction when at 13 she found out that I had been to a lunch time dance that our public school put on (truth be told I'd been to a few of them before she found out about that one). But a 12 or 13 year old's awkward swaying most often at arms length was nothing really and if anything when I look back on it, it wasn't a place for me. That is not reflective of any faith values, but more so being the awkward nerdy plus sized kid that I was with little to no self esteem and no support network, I was easy pickings for being teased and being groped. Let us be honest, regardless of how curvy I might have been I was the only girl in our class with breasts, like real full on breasts and I had had them for a while. Everyone knew it and I knew everyone did. And so when my mother declared that I had seriously transgressed an boundary I was perfectly fine with getting my insecure ass back on the "right side" of it and staying there.

Interestingly our grade 12 grad, non-school sanctioned because there was dancing, boat cruise played out in much the same way, though there was a little more girls dancing with girls. In the end one of my classmates still thought my ass was the best place for his hands and that soured the night.

I have had roommates and even a boss try to get me on the dance floor in various situations, even in East Indian weddings where even the bride joked that I just needed to "open the door" and "screw in the light bulb."

Stepping on to a dance floor as I realized walking home last night was a space I never felt safe in, not so much about the groping and the grinding but more so me. Stepping on to a dance floor meant that I truly needed to be okay with me. I needed to know that I was okay, awkward or not awkward, chubby or curvy and well spanxed, that I, me, this person, in this body was okay and even more mind bending for me worth acknowledging in a celebratory fashion. That I needed to be able embrace a kind of freedom I'm not sure I ever would have been really ready to embrace. But like those things in life that I don't feel ready to embrace there comes a time when I receive the necessary kick in the ass to make me realize I was ready.

I was finally ready last night and it might have been awkward, it might still be awkward from now until the last time I step on a dance floor but you know what, I'm okay with that, even if I'm not sure about some of the song selections.

Thanks to KAB and AE I crossed a major life threshold and we had fun doing it.

One of the songs it is no secret that I do and will always love:

Online Dating, I hate you.

I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.

For a moment it did.

Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match.  I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.

Here were some of the deal breakers.

Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.

Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career

I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...

EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...

Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...

I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.

Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

What Have I Done?!!!

I have signed up for an online dating site, 5 years after I shut down my last account.  I must admit that while a lot has happened in my life in the last 5 years, it seems that not a lot has happened in the online dating world.  I am still over educated and fishing around in a pool of men who seem to seriously undervalue the importance of a capitalized "I."  It will be good for laughs with JS and my roommate, but I seriously doubt that anything will come of it. But I will let you know.

So in light of this whole profile business I must post this which seems to be the story of my life these days.  Not me sleeping around, but I've sort of, shall we say marginally, come to accept that I am going to be the "slut" of the school.  Personally I hate the word, I wouldn't use it on anyone, but it seem in my very conservative school that because I'm a woman with breasts who does occasionally have cleavage or my shoulders bar that I'm scandalous.  Even further to that scandal I'm a feminist who uses birth control which according to a very interesting but ultimately sad  conversation with DirectoryBoy, who if you remember is a medical doctor, birth control is only for promiscuous women.  Yes you heard me.  I guess I haven't been using mine to its full potential.

Primarily because I love this site: http://editorrealtalk.tumblr.com/

This changes things...

Belgian boy as we will call him for now until I figure out if he's going to get any time on this blog beyond this moment.  A group of about 12 of us had an amazingly fun and bitter-sweet send off for him Tuesday night.  It made me realize just how much I'm going to miss him, but also what an amazing community of people we have.  All of us in a library is somber, all of us in a room with a piano, a diggery doo, a beat boxer and a book of poetry by Banjo Paterson (Man from Snowy River) being rapped and gospel-ballad sung makes for tears from laughter.  Bottom line it made me realize how much more time I should be spending with these people rather than it being all about getting out of the program just because the program and I aren't in love at the moment.   Definite relationship about the school situation.

But relationship change between me and BelgianBoy?  I think I might of torpedoed anything accidentally.  I emailed him after the party, just to say thanks I had a great time and in the rush to leave, as I needed to get a ride to the train, I didn't get a mailing address from him.  I had wanted to be able to write occasionally and email is well not the kind of thing I like to correspond via these days.  I spend too much bloody time at a screen these days - I like paper.  Email you can't carry with you if you're having crummy times.  But given that was Tuesday night and it's mid day Thursday - the day he leaves potentially forever, and there is no email response. Interesting.  I'm just going to leave it.  I have too much else on my plate at the moment.   Namely recovering from a fun night with JS, and a friendly bet gone awry.   We'll talk soon y'all

Fun Times

I have had a headache most of the weekend, so while I had grand plans for the remainder of my weekend I doubt much will occur.

I have GRE studying to do, I have cleaning to do, I have organizing to do, I have exercising to do. Well first and foremost I will trying to find some kind of sleep and maybe a desire to study...

Okay, Now Then

So things are different around here - I am still in the process of making things more accessible. But in the meanwhile we're going to transition to fluctuating format of more pictures, quotes and random bits of my newer life journey thing I've thrown myself into.

You must also forgive me as I am trying to figure out how to use Apple software in addition to this all - I'm begining to think I am going to take the camera to work as the photos did not transfer properly. Ms J the apple lover could you explain why my photos transfer as teeny tiny?

On a happy note as I go off to sniffle my way into bed and hopefully a deep sleep - some music:



PS I have an AB update of sorts - but as for the moment we'll see if he accepts the last curling ticket for the semi-final game on Saturday.

Another Song issue...

I woke up from one of many long and deep naps I've had this weekend without the aid of Gravol, and I have to say apparently my body really needs its sleep... but anyways while I get to enjoy the expanse of sheets and fluffy duvet alone, a song popped into my mind. Earlier today I was lamenting my inability to study during this extended comatose-ness to my parental unit. That I can forgive myself for, slacking off in the wake of all this not really.... Maybe that's why I am prepared to loose my attachment to AB. Maybe it's the Gemini in me or maybe it's a survival technique, or maybe my grief and shame are able to birth him out of my dreams, my breaths, out of my veins and into something for a creative writing project. I guess what I am saying is in this weakness of body and mind I am being reminded of the strength of a presence and the direction for my life and honestly it is away from AB. Whether that is forever or a time that is not for me to decide.

There is a quote from Ann Lamott to the side of my bed about perfectionism being the voice of the oppressor and every thing starts with a shitty first draft - even studying does. So I'm going to "burn the ships" yes I am aware that is a famous line Cortes said, but it's also a line from that song I mentioned... and get on with the getting on. Sure we can all look lustfully at the horizon. But even in those moments I need to remind myself of the horizon on the other side, the one where the sun rises.

Time to get out of bed, for a few hours at least.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/21186938@N07/2144850424/

Big-ish Year Ahead

So my birthday is not anytime soon soon, but it was about now when Ms. J and I started planning our NYC trip we did last year, so I figured hell might as well start now for this year.

There is only a small race related road trip on the books at this point... so right now aside from being informed by CW I HAVE to have an AMAZING high class party this year (we've yet to decide what that looks like - but it involves the lavender Grecian dress that Ms. J and I purchased in Greenwich Village last year)... but aside from that I figured I should have for a list like Slice of Pink for my *cough* 29 *cough* birthday - which is not this year if you're checking. So I am taking suggestions on the 29 things I should do before that fateful moment arises. Now please note I'm an NLLL poor broke - I will be living off of whatever I can pay down on my current student loan, so trips anywhere is near impossible... I will offer you these which will be on the list because hell I know I can do/have to do them...

1. Apply for graduate school
2. Dye hair blond - been every other "natural" shade
3. Make something with squash blossoms

So that leaves you 26 adventures for me - vote away, please note that I have been to Russia, seen the ballet, been to several NHL games, but beyond that go for it.

Half of My Heart...

Knows that it's going to have to put it's desire for a cuddle in the fading light of a Sunday afternoon away and embrace this shaky journey I've started. I know in many ways my pursuit of graduate school has really nothing to do with being single and/or picky, but the increasing weight of it is making realize that it is my relationship, for now. I will have to find comfort in the books that I'm plowing through, that my weekend adventures with Ms J will become centered on things unrelated to boys/men. So on that note you might find that my desire to write ebbs and flows and for that I'm extremely sorry. I know that as Anne Lamott says " writing is for some of us the latch that keeps the door of the pen closed, keeps these crazy ravenous dogs contained" and it is very much like that for me, but I also find that running does equally well with keeping the random ADD nature of my brain on ice...

So on that note I'm going to find some John Mayer, the open bottle of Pinot Gris in the fridge and make a very extensive Graduate school reading list to aid my GRE language exam

Fractures

TOITB has got me thinking about breakups. Mine have fallen into two categories, which I realize are obvious dumper and dumpy... but let me explain how they aren't obvious.

Category 1 - I dumped their complicated asses

First boyfriend - moved away to law school and while we should have ended it then - he cheated as part of his "removal of moral resistance to the acts necessary to be a good lawyer" - apparently if he could cheat on his girlfriend he would be okay with drinking and regurgitating redbulls and vodka in the law library etc... classy. This song was on the radio at the time - appropriate given his behaviour afterwards. I tried to go the classy route - I shoved all his stuff in a box, moved with that box and 3 years later when BI came on the scene burned everything except the prize t-shirt which I mailed to him in Houston.

First Fiance - He didn't cheat, but what the hell else didn't he do... let's just say being classy wasn't part of this deal, it was a get out alive and with as minimal life altering as necessary.

Obviously I don't know how to let them down gently, or find the kind who will behave...

Category 2 - this is the sorry tale of my life pseudo dating and then giving my blessing when I get replaced.

1.BWPAG (Boy Who Plays a Guitar) followed Lawyer boy - and he on a Transatlantic flight explained that he could only marry a nurse or a elementary school teacher. So there you have it folks you know two jobs I can not and will not do. This lack of vocational desire meant to BWPAG despite our chemistry/pseudo dating I would be a shitastic mother and wife, apparently a year after this moment he thought me worthy for a second go 'round let's just say I didn't. I forgot to mention one of my close friends who he had no feelings towards apparently fit the bill, she was a nurse - so of course I gave my blessing...

2. My Mr Big aka the Dr. We spent hours and hours with each other etc and etc - pseudo dating the story of my life - my boss/his coworker though we were dating for months and then lo and behold one of my coworkers tells me that they're dating and she wanted to break it to me - hmmm, interesting. So I did what I firmly believe I always should do, be classy, given fake but glowing acceptance speech and then let my friends say whatever they want in regards to the situation. Let's ignore that he came to my convocation etc.

3. BI doesn't really count - I loved him, but I guess in the end I wasn't in love with him and he's happier now because he's with someone who is long term more compatible, let's just say as a whole it still kinda sucks, to be so close, yet so far away - and no that isn't a fake glowing yadda yadda speech.

Yep there are likely others I left off all the online related scuffles that all fit under the first category - oh lord - no online dating for this little girl - it's a tragic scene.

Lists Can Be a Dangerous Thing...

I remember having lists for everything. The lists of the boys I liked eventually migrated to the lists of universities I wanted to attend and then lists for the courses, the books and everything university related, then lists for where to live, and now the lists are mostly where to travel to next for a race - all are local except for Chicago and Philadelphia in the fall it seems... Lists are tricky things - they give us satisfaction when you can cross things off, but sometimes the things listed can be all wrong in either context, motivation or topic or all of those. For example be married by 30 (I am disclosing I'm not yet - how close to it I will not reveal...), start world population increase at 32, finish at 34 and so on and so forth... or a list for his qualifications - good paying job or artist, runner or other sport, educated, can cook and clean, wants kids....

So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:

1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming

And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.

So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:

1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports

Time to Address the Big Issues

I have grey hair. Good lord since when? It seems I've been slacking in the hair maintenance department, primarily because I can't decide what to do... see here's the thing, I had waist length hair at one time in my life, I donned a wig this weekend for my Katara costume with a hairstyle identical to my preteen style - minus the loopies... it made me feel oddly nostalgic. Why is the hair issue important? Well other than yes I do have to address those greys, it is the tip of the decision iceberg...

I read the Economist religiously. Shocking, I know. Don't worry I read Women's Health and Runner's World with the same voracity, I think they balance each other out, like my purchasing of Diaspora research and stilettos on my NYC trip. All about balance... I digress.

My issue is every time I read through the E, I am reminded that I need to get my academic act together to get myself out of the level I am in. I am almost finished a second degree (it's useless) - so I checked out the program that appeals to me... it's in Europe, it's 35,000+ E a year (including living expenses) for two years plus a thesis and practicum... err that's a little pricey (for me) to be trained to manage an NGO (ie. a lower paying job with higher ethics...) Decisions like these are bigger issues - like I said to HSBFF's dad, law school (to do International Trade Law ie. WTO) at this point means me giving up having a family... the above mentioned degree more of less indicates that I'm willing to make the same choice, and for some reason I'm not sure I want to. We've been raised to believe we can have it all, but as a child who raised and provided for herself and her brother in the absence of parental units, I know you can't, crazy I know.

Oddly I feel really torn about the whole thing - I want kids damn it, not that the world wants me to, god knows they likely won't want me, but right now it doesn't seem like an option unless I go solo in my old age... and to add to all my emotional frustrations AB is chirping about me finding Mr. Perfect. Perfect hole in my head I seem to be able to find, but Mr. Perfect, he doesn't exist, right now I'm going for Mr. Not a Criminal, I am actually straight, faithful and will be a good dad, and you don't make me cringe - anything beyond that is icing... like the fireworks and all that - got that once in a lifetime and look where that got me, the rest is apparently WAY more important to get in line.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/midwestsky/3706084876/

Everyone Meet...

AB *waves*

No I haven't added another AB, trust me, one in this lifetime is enough, would have been enough, but I think I need to stop the verbal/cranial diarrhea...but regardless.

So I found myself last night standing in the cold of the impending fall, it was cold to me, whether it was actually cold is another issue, being rude and trying find my keel again. I called AB, typing a message on FB on my Crackberry is as annoying as getting my SBucks drink made with milk instead of soy... so I had the joy of saying things in plain language like the lines on the white stick stress moment and listening to silence. Um ya AB, so you can't commit now, and you wonder why I didn't call and say hey my non-boyfriend we've got a little situation here, wondering if you wanted to come hold my hand and then run to the liquor store for a toasting beverage or a shot of courage for you. In the end the situation is as it was before - we're "friends" I'm beginning to feel that horrendous Kelly Clarkson song coming on like a deranged episode of Once More With Feeling, I'm going to break into, "don't waste your time trying to fix, what I want to erase, what I need to forget, don't waste your time on me my friend, friend, what does that even mean." Maybe this is a sign that I need to do as Ms. J has suggested, cut all ties, delete him, block him and move on... likely would be a good thing if I could do that, spending time without him is enough of a step at this moment, in time I think the other will come. Right now I'm trying to take one step at a time away from AB. Since yes we all can say I'm crazy about him and even crazier that I think that. Could someone commit me to the rehab all the celebrities go to, the ones with all the booze and drugs, that way I could get the supervised vay-cay I need. Meh, I guess it's just time to up the miles on the daily run.

For the record - I don't believe anyone can be fixed with a relationship or without or any of that business - we can be healthier - but that health thing is an individual journey in my opinion....

Somedays I wish life in the S&P Universe of Management was this fun...

Though I think we'd pick this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JD6ejmlpa8, you've got to have the actions

Planning for the Future

No there is no bun in the oven (that I'm aware of though it has been the joke of late) or any thing that would warrant a rushed plan for the future. But I have been thinking about it. In the past I've been one to have specific plans, strong rules, guidelines, strong just about everything. And now I'm aware that there has been a dramatic change of heart over the last little while. So the idea of planning for the future, while I would like the future to come has well sort of been put on it's head.

I used to believe that I would find that person who was compatible - note I did not say "someone who completes me" or the one or any of that - someone with whom I could see myself living in a loving, respectful partnership with is the goal, key on all those parts. Anyways I would find that person, we'd date (because that used to seem so easy), he would think I was amazing (and yes of course vice versa) and he'd scoop me up off the market and we'd be married in time frame ranging from 1 yr to 2 years in total. I still sort of wish for that, though it seems that the first part of that equation might take an eternity...

I also used to hope for a few years to get used to living with said person - and then the babies. The thing is I'm aware I'm not young, nor is my body and waiting is waiting for more issues later on. I would like to say I'm not feeling any concern, that I know I have time, and I do. I am not on the hunt for all that - but it is there somewhere in the nagging back of my mind, thrown to the front every so often when I open a Women's Health and they happen to have an article on how I can prepare my uterus for the future occupant, regardless of the immediacy of that... hmm, didn't want to think about that, thanks.

The future is gray, I wish it wasn't but it is and that just is well the way I guess it's going to be...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/erin_ryan/2479288574/

So It's Like the Worst Kept Secret

But I've done a hell of a lot of therapy in the last year, and what did I get out of it, or more specifically what am I getting out of it, a potty mouth. Yes apparently I swear more these days and I also indulge in other healthy past-times too - desserts and shoes. Yes I have come to the land of beautiful people and beautiful shoes and since I'm not prepared to do whatever it takes to cram a wealthy Midtown single gent in my suitcase or however I would get him home, I've decided to purchase some shoes. Some shoes to remind me that I can feel beautiful and sexy and I don't care if anyone else thinks that I am. Because between Victoria and me I know that from my head to my toes and everywhere in between the woman I am is beautiful.

Shoes!! Oh how I do love thee, and note to any future someone special - I'm an 8, and the higher the heel and more luxurious the leather, the better...