When Things Get Tough... the tough or the weak or whatever I am, write a post...

So a lot has happened since December.

Um... well I basically lost my job/quit/laid off - they took away my hours and the office went to hell sans hand-basket, so I left (and may be returning although I so don't want to but they're nagging me and I like the ones suffering but you know complications).

So I started cleaning and we all know my OCD appreciates the smell of bleach and scrubbing bathtubs. Seriously. So it's been therapeutic, BUT it's not a way to make a living.

All in all the loss of the job has actually been a huge stress relief and I did have some money left over from my student loan which I have been living off of.

All that being said - I have entered a time of discernment it seems.

I know discernment is one of those weird words and I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what I'm doing right now never mind trying to explain it to LG who I totally get is a little freaked out though he's sort of hiding it (but not really).

What this all means is one big question mark that I know cannot be solved in one go, I get that the likelihood that all the pieces are going to fall together is incredibly small and not helpful to even consider.

The pieces? The main one is whether I should maintain looking for jobs in the medical secretarial/technician world or if I should be looking in the region I am planning on/hoping to work in/need to be working in at some point which is church ministry.

I am totally over qualified for one and under for the other with a huge gap in between them where I am actually trying to find a space to land in.

What do I mean by that?

What I mean is to say, I have recently (last 2-3) years felt directed (I loathe the term "called") toward medical chaplaincy. However, right now that's off the table because the only program that is accessible to the general public (ie. it does not require I do my masters with them to start) is in Alberta and it's "suspended for review" the lovely vague term I am assuming related to their admissions, training and likely an issue of having either huge demand or not enough. So no training program means no training. So I could hope that changes but if I stay with LG leaving for a year doesn't seem like an option either.

So that means if the program does come up either long distancing it or ending the relationship. Neither are great, one is far, far less great than the other.

And so at this moment, you may wonder why the idea of ending a relationship is even on the table.

Well... I love him, but I know we've got our challenges and one of them of LG is my job prospects. I will never, unless the economy dramatically changes and funding is restored in the area of chaplaincy, make a lot of money, quite frankly I could make the same if not more as a teacher or in medical administration. He doesn't like this. I'm not sure why he even thought about dating me but it's an issue for him and it's not for me. But I get why it is for him. He cannot imagine moving out of his neighbourhood and to raise kids in an apartment because we would never be able to afford a house in that area doesn't appeal to him.

So I could and I am considering whether I need another Master's in Gerontology in the hopes I could find my way into some kind of patient liaison type job or something in the medical field that borders on social work while working in a church.

The issue also becomes I am trying to come to terms with the likelihood I will ever be hired by a church given that I am a woman and the movement right now is away from female hirings.

So there you have it - I have a guy I think is great, who may or may not need to come to terms with his dreams and I have decisions to make and a lot of emotions and an impulse to in these moments clear the decks and remove everything as an option.

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Apologies

First, I want to apologize for being slow and sporadic at posting - for these past few weekends I blame my marathon (yes I did actually run the Portland Marathon this past weekend) and my usual nemesis grad school.

Second, I am likely to be sporadic with the posting in the future because within the next month I hope to have my new blog up and running.  I will be very different in content from here so fear not there will be continued life/dating updates that I would like to work through in this less public venue.  And yes once it is up and running you will all know about it.

Third, KAB has suggested we keep Mr Supersmart on the list of potentials and not her list but mine... I've decided that the maybe list can have some occupants - how they get on to the yes list, well that's a little more complicated and I don't know if I have the mental space for that right now.

Fourth, I am returning to the town where CEF used to live, where all the drama when down over 4 years ago.  WTFOMG I am sure is one of the questions/exclamations going off in your head right now.  Well for one he lives on the opposite of the country now - so I have a few states of buffer, and two I think the time has come that I close the parts of that journey and open myself up again.  I don't foresee myself getting married any time soon, as it would require a willing man, I do know that there are questions in the back of my brain about getting that close to the isle and then going the complete opposite, is it a journey I can do now even healthy.  I need to know that I am a different person, because there are definitely days where regardless of the years of having my head examined and sitting with the messes and the pain, I still wonder if I am the same completely broken woman who is going to make the same mistake.  I know conceptually I am not, I know X was a good relationship/is a good man, but I still think I need to own the whole CEF things to the degree I can.  Don't worry I'm not going to go crazy and hunt him down to apologize - to be honest I am breathing a massive sigh of relief that the school email I used to have will be closed down this month - no more contact loose ends.

Fifth, I ran the marathon with my family (PU and Sibling) and not that that matters - crossed the line and this guy who we basically ran with the whole marathon congratulated me - he was so cute and being that I was low on necessary brain sugar for flirting, just smiled and said thanks.  Damn it brain, you'd think there would be a special reserve for essential life functions.  So being random I checked out CL for a missed connection.  Who knows maybe we did have enough of a connection and I can't remember it.

Well we didn't but this guy did and I wanted to post it purely for the line I bolded below:

"I know this is a long shot- with 6000+ runners, but I thought I would take a shot anyhow!

You- brown hair, green tan tank top, sunglasses and black skirt, probably around 30ish? You passed me going up the hill to the bridge. You made miles 17-24 much easier because of the amazing view I had running behind you ; ) How do you look gorgeous while running a marathon. I wish I had looked at your bib to get your name. Lost you at mile 25ish as leg cramps came rolling in for me. Guessing on your pace you were under a 3:45??? Damn girl.
Me- 6'2, gray shirt and black shorts, short hair, and unfortunately, disgustingly sweaty while dreaming of the girl running in front of me. Last mile hopping and skipping like an idiot, glad had left me in the dust so I didn't have to act suave as my calfs seized up. Oh well- I finished under four hours- so can't complain too much.

You kicked ass (mine included). I would love to run with you sometime (or even just behind you again) and then get some drinks : ) Hope to hear from you."


Sure there are some ass comments, but I completely get that considering there isn't much else to look at - calves, backs and asses are about it - but that aside - I must confess I like a man who is okay with acknowledging he's been beaten and being humorous about it.


So that's about it.

Hold Up, You WHAT?

RB and I finally talked today after he got his pep talk from his mentor... oh honey it gets better.  So apparently he's been "sort of" dating someone for the better part of the year and they just broke up and he's moving on to this new girl.... "Sort of," eh?  That's religious boy speak for we hung out, I got what I needed from the relationship but didn't actually commit and therefore didn't have to act like I was in a relationship.

So I call this pseudo dating.  And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children.  It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).

Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY.  It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.

It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.

And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men.  So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...

The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling."  But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.

*Hebrewisms and the like

Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.

Blindsided

Maybe it was:

the obscene amount of caffeine and sugar I consumed this week
the hours in a library carrel
the Fray's new album I downloaded as a finals gift to myself
the Skype date with X that started the closure

but one day this week I met the eye of a classmate and something was in that look.  I have not been looking, quite frankly given I'm going to be out of school in a year the last thing I want to do is schlep my heart through a relationship that will inevitably end. But back to the blindside.  It actually I must confess started with a hug that he rightfully needed.  Last Thursday as most of us were preparing to hunker down and frantically pull through the next 8 days, he was reeling from a pretty scary break in a day prior at his home - his laptop gone, home vandalized and that sense of peace, that all of us value more than our stuff completely gone.  I offered, like other classmates to do whatever he needed - a place to stay, a family to eat dinner with, whatever he and his roommates needed to email me.  I hugged one of my good friends, M good-bye for the Easter weekend, turning to him to pat him on the arm or some distanced gesture - I'm a hugger but I don't normally hug men unless I know it won't be misconstrued. He had his arms open.  Of course he got the hug.   Maybe that was the thing that broke the ice, I don't know.  But this week, Wednesday, I ended up sitting in a three hour lecture with him, arm against arm.  There is something oddly charged about that kind of contact.  Not intentional and not intentionally intimate either, just the kind of contact that makes you realize how little you actually touch someone when you're single. Maybe it was that moment, or the moment he offered his coffee,  after he finished it though... I had made a comment about him being done.  It was every moment after that, there something in his eyes, a little longer glance... a little more of an attempt to be closer.

So last night, when we were given kitchen duty - the two of us in our friends tiny apartment kitchen as the rest of the group went on a grocery run, we talked and I found someone deeper and even more interesting.

BUT there are two catches to the story - isn't there always?

1. I am trying to figure out if flirting is a universal language - because if it is, there are a lot of signals going around and nothing happening or maybe just a lot from my side hitting too hard or off target altogether.

and

2. He's not Canadian - he's Belgian actually and that's the biggest catch, because he might not be back in September and he's flying out in 7 days.  So that's were this story sort of stops - sure I hugged him last night as we left for our buses in opposite directions.

So long story short - I may see him Tuesday night, he might be back and I'm stuck here wondering what the hell just hit me.

Everytime I wear my stilettos I'm reminded of this song

I hope you find the joy you spent your life giving with your art, but never were able to personally know.

Audiobooks aren't working for me

I tried to listen to Middlemarch on a free podcast - it was a disaster.  I am feeling a little hopeless about the prospect about finishing the book.  Given that feeling, I shelved the book and picked the next one up in the to read pile (I have about 6 books required for graduate school I've been cycling though - I'm stuck on all of them).  I picked up A Clockwork Orange.  I understand that it is a "required" or even "recommended" read.  However, the book is in a whole other dialect - it's a hybrid of English and an English/Russian mix.  More to the point, it has a three page glossary to go with the book.  I had started to just translate the book, skimming for all the foreign words and penciling in the English versions. While it isn't a long book, it isn't short either and as such I gave up and shelved the book.  I opted to rent the movie, in the hopes I would get a handle on the story and be able to grasp the book.  I stopped after 20 minutes of the movie. A Clockwork Orange, like Martin Amis' Money is one of those books I cannot abide.  I respect that it is art and like all art it does not need to or even strive to appeal to everyone.   But who does it appeal to is my question.

So about HSBFF's Question

HSBFF asked if AB changed and came back would I take him back. What the hell kind of question is that? You know the answer - I don't have one.

I know that for him to change it will be like the second coming of a blue moon this spring season. It's not going to happen. He's not going to quit being a social alcoholic like any frat boy, but he's 31. He's not going to find a stable part time job in his field, and he's not going to make significant progress in his art.

So in the end even if he performed his grand gesture which he says he has but refuses to tell me what it is, or possibly share it with anyone - which makes me wonder if it existed or are you saving it...

I know that my answer would always have to be no, though let's be honest, because that's what we are here - if he came crawling back even without changing I know it would be bitterly hard for me to say no. Good gracious I loathe this diseased part of my brain.

Sad Beautiful Music

So because I'm of two minds, or maybe because I did love the boy for some unknown horribly complex reason, a feeling I swear some days I want to drink away, I still think of him often. This song reminds me of that/this feeling, but it's also just plain beautiful.

Tagged...

Therapeutic Ramblings has tagged me to reveal 10 facts about myself... I don't do facts, y'all should know that, I've got a secret or not so secret identity to maintain... but in the spirit of the events I will participate truthfully*...

1. I will always text rather than call, I hate using the phone other than at work - AB and I don't talk on the phone unless it REALLY requires it.
2. I've been to the vast majority of the western states via bus and train...
3. I hate Las Vegas for it's wasteful food portions, and the inability to find healthy food options...
4. Vegan for 2+ years would go back in a heart beat if it didn't make me a dating leper
5. I have a huge girl crush on Dita
6. I love the words: cheeky, corruption and sea hag
7. The name of the ex fiance is the same name of the first boy I publicly liked - bad juju name
8. I don't drive, I do not have a licence - for environmental, social, financial and personal/practical reasons
9. I don't carry anything other than an oversized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op... kind of cute in a I ride mountain bikes kind of way...reminds me of a nice Dr in Engineering boy I liked in high school who loved mountain bikes, he also likes tall waif like blonds (not at all like me in case you are curious)
10. I do not like Floridian water, say what you want, but it's so salty and warm in a pee'd in the pool like of temperature

My addition...

11. I used to and still love to sing this song, it's my early friendship with HSBFF bottled in a song, but note I will NEVER sing it solo in public, though put it on in a car, and well... it might happen

*everything can be qualified of course but these are definite truths outside of the disclaimer - crazy...

I would like to tag - Advice from a Single Girl, Ms. J, L and CC

Struggling

I would like to say amidst all this dating* that I've managed to come to some grand epiphany other than the one that shouldn't get repeated again - I have an issue with that one. The last two dates, correction all but BV have shared too much, and BV couldn't hold a conversation. Look fellas, I know I'm a talker, I work my brain - my feelings and all that out, out loud or in print - which is close enough, and I somehow, just barely have figured out the whole self censor business. Yes I've developed a challenging situation with the NLLL, but I know that the following can cause silence and really awkward situations:

1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...

2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.

3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.

You can tell me the following:

1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...

2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.

3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc

4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.

But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:

1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky

2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...

3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.

I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...

Still Nauseous

I am not sure what to make of my continued nausea, I'm not complaining in a general sense, if I can live of a latte for the day that would be cheap, but given that it doesn't provide the nutritional basics for a 6 mile run, I think I'll need to shove some food into myself and hope for the best. And now before I get some kind of comment about morning prevalent nausea and so on and so forth, let's just say no to that now shall we, there is apparently enough discourse about me currently.

Speaking of discourse, AB was texted last night, by someone who wasn't there on Saturday night, inquiring about the girl in the blue dress, now I have to say blue dresses are getting some kind of notoriety in society, that I want no part of, but I figured that the dress wouldn't go unnoticed, like a walking blueberry or something like that, with as one of the guest felt inclined to tell me a provocative neck line, apparently, good to know even when very impaired that part of the male brain works just fine. In the end it wasn't the blue dress though, it was less than discrete moments, that I know I'm due to for a lecture from Ms. J for - though I think that I chose to wear the dress will likely be the primary chastisement. Anyways I'm digressing... what I was pondering on my longish train ride to work, feeling gross from my no hot shower morning, is how is it that now in my life I find myself on the fringes of gossip for lack of a better word and what do I need to do to get it out of my head my creeping frustration that I've somehow become that kind of girl, the kind that is shrugged off, the tart, now don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking that there should be this declaration of something there isn't or something like that, just anyways fumbling over that.

More importantly so, how is it that I am here. Here being here... here being not waiting but somehow still hoping for someone to deal with their fears. I thought I would be the one with the fears and the worries, and yet maybe AB is too understanding, too safe, too something because I don't have fear, maybe I should, maybe I should fear it but I don't. He does. He has his reasons, fair enough, somewhere in my idealism, I wonder if that, the fears he has, are reason enough for me to leave this all where it is, regardless of everything, that maybe those fears will never truly disappear, maybe they'll serve as some kind of escape clause. I don't know, I can't help but cloud everything in a shade of Saturday, a memory that I find myself unsure of what to do with it.

I couldn't find the Ryan Montbleau songs that I really love, but hell this works for now, to be honest can't really stomach searching for it.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sashala/391779167/