Well that was a little awkward....

So I stumbled out of the library, away from my marking that is taking so much longer than it should, to have some lunch and who do I run into in the main office?

AL*

WTF is all my brain could muster and I think AE could see the blindsided look. He was there on business. So after the awkwardness, he offered to take me for lunch and hell, I being poor, why not take a guy up on free meal. While he was going to plug his meter I turn to AE and say, "He's on the blog." I believe here response involved a laugh and a oh.

It's complicated.

Why is it always complicated.

AL came on to the scene when AB and I were a mess and it was an awkward date. It was a good date but it was an awkward heart moment. I wanted to not like AB but there was no way of denying it all and another boy trying to wiggle into it all was just not my idea of awesomeness. Maybe there are women out there who like the idea of being fought over or complicated over but it was just too much. And the date was too much. He was too honest. He confessed all his short comings and his new found  faith was just, enough to make me panic.

So when he announced that he was single at lunch today. A part of me wanted to back away from the table. Not because of the short comings or his faith, which has sounded like it's growing, or anything because we actually have a lot in common and he's my usual type, he's very similar to X. Chivalrous without being oppressive, caring, thoughtful, open minded...

Actually it wasn't about him.

My heart just kind of curled in on itself when he mentioned he was single. I know lunch wasn't a date and so on and so forth. I realized I've been coping in my post Lawyer Guy world under the impression that I just won't date until I have a job and I'm ready to leave and go wherever to get said job.

And yet...

I don't want to let my hurt do that but I don't know how to not let to creep in on the edges.

Not yet at least.

*To add to the weird I should note that AL and I rarely talk but he messaged me on FB about my lack of job situation and has been totally eager to help and actually been really helpful. So that just added to the weird factor.

UGH the process

I watched Ms. J get married yesterday to an awesome man - seriously awesome and it was full of joy and hope and all the other amazing things and in a small way it did hurt my heart and yet thankfully it didn't really - the joy was a blessed covering over it all. However, once the party ended the real work, the real work of getting into the rough part of the break up had to begin. And so I started my steps.

Step 1 - Sweat the bastard out of my pores on a dark dance floor, in the company of safe people. My toes are brutalized but that was absolutely necessary.

Step 2 - Be awkward. I am fully, maybe too much so, okay with making others awkward as I am awkward. I will take a conversation to that point etc and I am happy to be awkward in my love and devotion. I'm also apparently down with making myself terrified for a moment while being that possibly cruel person sitting on the fringes of LG's life (this morning literally in church) and poking every so often is a hey NLLL'er, remember me, I'm not going to fade away, I'm going to make you, when I'm damn ready look at me, know me and know that you didn't break me but that you also were an asshole to me - maybe those words you said will ring in your ears like they do mine. On that note I will likely not continue attending, it took too much work to make him disappear from my line of sight while knowing he could see me. I am happy with being a nagging presence on my own terms, I don't need him getting any stealth cornering moves up and yes if you're wondering I was calculated enough to leave his keys at home. I am handing those back on MY terms

Step 3. Stock up your house-sitting with good soul nurturing food and some bad stuff - help ride the waves AND FLOWERS.

Step 4. Being affirmed in the blessed company of amazing new friends and an old one and have the words of affirmation from a female pastor, reminding me that in my Mennonite and social justice ways I am not a heretic for affirming that we must consider socio-economic (and race) issues in violence/war, birth control/family planning and just shalom. Shit is real peeps, and being a white Canadian middle class educated woman means I don't really know how real the shit is but I'm under so illusion that it smells nice, that's for sure.

Step 5. Go to sleep, knowing that AE (and KAB by proxy) will be present to support and love through the possibly brutal process of handing back the keys.

Musical Moment

Truthfully I've struggled with music this entire relationship - I've just not been able to find the words in song that fit the relationship - but now, now I've totally got the whole gamut - that also though truthfully is because I totally have a preference toward the nature of break-up songs - they're either the I hate you or the why can't you love me and both work. And we'll run through my catalogue of all those songs but right now this whole post will be devoted to my spirit person or whatever you want to call her - Sara Bareilles and the whole range of her catalogue which has been representing the whole cycle of my grieving.

 

This song is the only reason I didn't "go postal" when I had to go through the lame process of claiming my toothbrush and my loaf of bread and resisted the urge to do everything from an extensive cathartic cleaning of his home or cleaning his toilet with his toothbrush or anything incredibly bitchy although I won't say I was entirely sane, I did reclaim the book I gifted him - Jesus Feminist and I noticed all my Valentine's gifts to him disappeared... and well a grand plus worth of new clothing etc but whatever, I took the book and left a half loaf of bread so he can deal with it - so one day he'll realize what I have to realize on a continual basis my life changed. Anyways - after I channel my rage I normally knee jerk to this song:

   

 It is also because her ep has these two songs back to back what the NLLL Sara? Then I go here because well there needs to be balance - after all I have moments where I know I was all in and truthful and then I pause like NLLL NLLL dude what kind of new life are you planning with those very fancy work clothes... FULL STOP,

   

 Vent through the song and move on...

 

 Because on day I will and that day might involve these feelings:

 

 And all this, the song I used to get me through picking up my stuff and the word I will tattoo on my body:

 

I may not always be brave but a brave woman relayed to me last night wisdom she received - I am being sanctified and damn it I will own the NLLL out of that sanctification and yes I'm aware that might have been a heretical sentence.

Step Back - She's Going to Blow - Part 1 of Many on the State of the Non-Union

Which is a helpful warning that I'm going to be venting here rather than sending him NLLL word laced emails about what the NLLL is wrong with him.

Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.

Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.

So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries.  My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.

Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.

I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Brene Brown

Hmpft

So I am beginning to see why my roommate had such a struggle with eHarmony. Yes the first day I did manage to get a few matches - one of whom I would consider a date with - beyond that it seems from my matches that I seriously over corrected from the narcissists that I found in January to the current situation of men who seem determined to evangelize me in their profiles.. sweet baby jebus. I find myself recoiling often at the content of the profiles, and not as usual the spelling mistakes and there are "alot". I am signing up for the shortest, basic option, so there will be time, this isn't a race to any finish line, it is however rather frustrating. I find myself once again realizing that as Ms. J put it "I'm really interested to see who it is that reels you in so to speak... you are a feisty filly (woah mixed metaphors, batman)." I get that, mixed metaphors and all and I'm not even touching on my previous live experiences or that many of these sweet men, well into their 30's many not take kindly at my life choices etc. - not that I care. I constantly feel trapped between those with more conservative or traditional faith perspectives  and the liberal, almost or both feet out the faith door perspectives (which are legitimate, I'm not saying they are wrong).

Pausing for a second, consider this: one of today's matches indicated on his profile he has turned to Henry Cloud's book on dating - so I googled it (hey if you're going to indicate you're turning to self help books at 45 for dating let's see what it is), and it wasn't horrible (total shocker), not that I plan on purchasing it or listening more than the 5 minutes I did on Youtube - he basically argued that your life choices determine the people who you are most likely to meet an those you will be compatible with and in dating you need to be picking from those people because dates, in theory, can lead to marriage.

So, by "picking" or being "called" (both words I take issue with) to my future profession, I have eliminate a huge swath of men, a huge swath that would be eliminated for a whole host of other reasons to be clear. And then from there the next and probably largest swath (per eHarmony representation) is the suburb, nice car and lots of travel contingent. All are nice things - but this is where X and had some pretty lengthy discussions and I realized that I could settle for these things but I didn't want to - and dragging someone into a life in an inner city area or one of simplicity (also close to a hospital or in or in conjunction with a hospice) is not how a marriage works, not in my books at least. Then add to that my opinions about birth control and women's right choices and there are little to none standing.

So there we go - so far I'm too quirky (too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the agnostics) and that's just fine with me - being picky isn't a problem.

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

Trying to Get Back In the Game

A friend of Ms. J's who I've known for a while asked me out informally today - as in a let's go for drinks this week ask out.  I opted not to primarily because I don't know if I have the brain space to carry on a polite conversation as said gentleman, while sweet he is oil to my water or more so gas to my flame.  We argue - he might find it fun, but I find it a challenge to play nice.  While he teases me for being a pessimist, I don't take pride in crushing people's arguments etc.  Anyways I said yes for once school is done.  WHY??!!! Asked my roommate, well because he's the least threatening option.  I'm everything he doesn't want, and sure why the hell not take a round at this dating thing when nothing is at stake. At some point I need to find a way to consistently tell my heart the lie that it doesn't love X, and one day it will actually believe that.

Oh in case you're wondering I opted for no visit from X - I love him but I cannot see him.

Falling for You

All over again - what is it that makes us go back, and back again and back again.  It's the question I keep asking myself when I look around at the men in my new peer group.  I have this reoccurring thought, y'all are not X, so why bother.  Sure this really is not tragic - it is not like I have time to even consider dating.  But the question is then why are X and I just not together.  Well that's a simple yet complicated answer.  I think the bigger question is when do we give ourselves the freedom to move forward when we weren't the one already moving out of the relationship?

I had no problem with CEF or really any other the other guys in my life I had to deal with - I was able to in one way or another rationalize the process - shut the heart down and move on.  Even when I cared and still care for the individual like BI - I was still able to know that we would be friends and that was all - and furthermore that that was okay - that was the best thing for both of us.  I know both of us, BI and I can say that with no doubts - we were and are better as just friends. 

So what happens - how do you shut down your heart when you do not know how to.  I know how to get angry - that's how I dysfunctionally dealt with AB - get mad and burned over a long enough period of time and you eventually get closure - to burn, cut, chafe every thing that bound you two together until you get freedom.   With X I do not want that - I do not want to go down a road of systematically removing him from my life by any means possible.  I still love him - and there is no good reason I have found not to.

Friends have told me that maybe I'll just keep loving him until things work out.  The thing is - I don't think that is right.  Maybe I am wrong.

Advice to a Younger Me

I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.

My first piece of advice - Date.  Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage.  I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE.  There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you.  Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent. 

Actually it's incredibly practical.

1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk.  You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....

2.  It teaches you want is important to you.  I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that.  But you know what? I REALLY love books.  BV didn't like to read.  I found that out and the conversations started to fumble.  They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job.  You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough.  I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God.  You know what?  It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on.  And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.

3. It teaches you that you are worthy.  In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this.  Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords.  You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.

4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry.  You might be BFF's.  But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF.  Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter.  Seriously.  If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.

Well Victoria...

Victoria mentioned yesterday that she feels that in dating there is not enough honesty regarding the fear.  Today she furthered this idea of the fear as:

"And I'm not just talking about the big fears, I'm talking about the littler ones, the going on a date ones, the meeting someone for the first time ones, the what if it's awful, how do I politely escape ones, the what if there's that awkward, dead silence fears. I've had them and done it anyway."

So here it is V, I am scared. I have my fears. I have my moments that cause my stomach to churn. I even had a moment like that this week as X can attest to and it made me feel horrible and I know it hurt him too. I also have big fears - like will I ever feel ready to be married - I am not referencing this in regards to X.  Just after CEF the whole fairytale, run off into the sunset and get married and live happily ever after business does not exist.  It doesn't mean I don't want it to happen, it's just hard when that little voice of doubt has a tendency to creep into the picture.

The issue is whether or not the fear stops the forward growth - I sure hope it does not.

Cristina/Owen I think are the best example that comes to mind when you despite your scars and your fears try to press through and find love

For AB-sake!*

I have just returned home from Philadelphia after a week away - returning home to rain, snow, ice and well winter.  I am not overly thrilled with it - but it is here and I have to deal with it I guess.

I have a confession of sorts - while I was in Philly AB texted me.  I have to say I've come to the point in our relationship/friendship where if I could there would be plates and other breakables being thrown at him in these moments.  It's like he knows when I'm bemoaning his stupidity or something.

"Hey just thought of you... Sorry if it's late but just wondering how you are? :)"

Options for this statement:

1. He was drunk and "lonely" - because I just looked at the calender - the 23rd was comedy night when he goes out with his girl-frenemies (skanks I prefer to be enemies with).  Oh sad little boy. 

 My response since I know Ms J wants to make sure I didn't have a brain malfunction while running.

"In Philly at the moment, did NYC with my dad yesterday and the race went good on Sunday, all and all going good.  Hope you are doing good with work and all, we should catch up in December when I am done class."

No response from AB - for one I know December is his drinking month - how else can he stomach turning 32 and have the life he has - well that's my understanding of his drinking.  So I don't have to worry about catching up.  My question is when did I become his booty call?  Since when was I like one of his harem.  I am beginning to wonder if men have this once mine always mine to reclaim belief - I know CEF did and now AB is starting to act like it.

Oh well thought I'd keep everyone updated with this sad story - and on that note a song I think that you, TOITB will appreciate - so maybe you can get one of their songs stuck in your head and learn to hate it like I hate their really popular song who's name shall not be mentioned.




* I think you know what I mean

Bah! Eck!...

So BB was super nice to me this morning bailed me out of a jam with regards to I failed at my payroll duties thus leaving me without the money to pay for coffee etc this morning... so I was going to repay him with money and some food since BB has been so generous.  Problem is... BB being nice and me being nice back because that is the polite thing to do, is also the most efficient way to send mixed signals.  Now Houston we have a problem.  The kind of problem that makes the can of baked beans I ate not want to stay in my stomach.

I will say I have no problem being rejected, I can totally work with that, as I being a grown woman I know how to process it's not you it's me bs and I get it - I can deal with that.  I however can't be that woman to say it's not you it's me - because in the case of CEF and BB and others it has been them.  BB is sweet, but he's one hell of a broken man and I am not in the business of sewing hearts back together and weeding through more bs, lies and all sorts of issues in the hopes of finding someone who is able to walk with me through life.  I can't do that - I tried to do that with CEF, but knowing that I can't talk to another man, go out with my girls for the fear that I might talk to a guy. Sure a little jealousy keeps the passion alive and all that shit but in the end - that which burns red hot has a tendency to consume the bonds of trust really quickly.  Anyways I digress I was really really hoping that BB's departure for a far far away continent to work would make my life easier but I guess not...

Fractures

TOITB has got me thinking about breakups. Mine have fallen into two categories, which I realize are obvious dumper and dumpy... but let me explain how they aren't obvious.

Category 1 - I dumped their complicated asses

First boyfriend - moved away to law school and while we should have ended it then - he cheated as part of his "removal of moral resistance to the acts necessary to be a good lawyer" - apparently if he could cheat on his girlfriend he would be okay with drinking and regurgitating redbulls and vodka in the law library etc... classy. This song was on the radio at the time - appropriate given his behaviour afterwards. I tried to go the classy route - I shoved all his stuff in a box, moved with that box and 3 years later when BI came on the scene burned everything except the prize t-shirt which I mailed to him in Houston.

First Fiance - He didn't cheat, but what the hell else didn't he do... let's just say being classy wasn't part of this deal, it was a get out alive and with as minimal life altering as necessary.

Obviously I don't know how to let them down gently, or find the kind who will behave...

Category 2 - this is the sorry tale of my life pseudo dating and then giving my blessing when I get replaced.

1.BWPAG (Boy Who Plays a Guitar) followed Lawyer boy - and he on a Transatlantic flight explained that he could only marry a nurse or a elementary school teacher. So there you have it folks you know two jobs I can not and will not do. This lack of vocational desire meant to BWPAG despite our chemistry/pseudo dating I would be a shitastic mother and wife, apparently a year after this moment he thought me worthy for a second go 'round let's just say I didn't. I forgot to mention one of my close friends who he had no feelings towards apparently fit the bill, she was a nurse - so of course I gave my blessing...

2. My Mr Big aka the Dr. We spent hours and hours with each other etc and etc - pseudo dating the story of my life - my boss/his coworker though we were dating for months and then lo and behold one of my coworkers tells me that they're dating and she wanted to break it to me - hmmm, interesting. So I did what I firmly believe I always should do, be classy, given fake but glowing acceptance speech and then let my friends say whatever they want in regards to the situation. Let's ignore that he came to my convocation etc.

3. BI doesn't really count - I loved him, but I guess in the end I wasn't in love with him and he's happier now because he's with someone who is long term more compatible, let's just say as a whole it still kinda sucks, to be so close, yet so far away - and no that isn't a fake glowing yadda yadda speech.

Yep there are likely others I left off all the online related scuffles that all fit under the first category - oh lord - no online dating for this little girl - it's a tragic scene.