Fatigue

I'm exhausted. I am trying to desperately cope with this situation and it has had so many good moments, great moments of friends but my body is not supporting this process. I still cannot sleep - I lay awake praying for peace and wake sick to my stomach about the situation. I am struggling to eat, tonight's dinner was supposed to be pasta but unfortunately that didn't stay down and was replaced with two pieces of toast, later two cookies milk and now some cheese puffs. Yep the dinner of running champions.

I have decided against contacting any of his friends to apologize for getting them involved to whatever degree they are - frankly I'm horrified by his behaviour but again it is his behaviour and I've been told that my reaching out to his friends as I did was not psycho ex-girlfriend behaviour. And beyond that, I don't have anything. Yes I've considered mis-filing his thesis in our library and all sorts of other things, but at the same time it is not fucking worth it.

It all isn't worth it. Life is worth it. Love is worth it. This drama, totally not.

I'm going to peace out for a while unless drama gets even weirder at which time CEF will be unseeded for the most broken, bat shit crazy addicted to being a victim ex I have had and that my beloveds is saying A LOT, but in all this I promise no long breaks again. I found this song as part of a hunt for a good I've been dumped music mix and this is one of the more accurate of the songs.

Damn You Celiac

It's one of those ask and ye shall sort of receive moments.  I was slaving away in the library last night, and I was trying to find out how to bail on the dinner plans I had agreed to since all I wanted to do was sleep.  But instead I hauled my ass and all my bags down to the local pub.  I being late got shoved on the end of the table - fair enough.  Well actually lucky me - a guy who is apparently in my program, also in his first year (could have fooled me), sat down next to me.  Well this is where I want to curse my inability to drink beer.  He offered to buy a pitcher for us to share (has a Tennessee accent - darn accents...).  I polietely as possible declined ordering my usual Cranberry and Vodka.   He seemingly dejected or unsure, moved along the table when the opportunity arose.

I'm not going to assume anything will come of it since we don't seem to cross paths at all during our classes.  But it makes me wonder - to my few readers out there, how to you negotiate food issues without coming across high maintenence or picky.  It might just be me feeling sensitive, but I don't like being signalled out for something I didn't chose.  When I was a vegan I had no problme with declaring it, but now I feel like it's one more label I'm schleping around with me that gives a guy an excuse not to like me.

In case you're wondering I don't even remember his name - nor does it seem that he has FB, so I can't even stalk him... don't judge I know you've done it too.

The Fear

In less than two weeks I will have completed my second marathon, in theory.  Right now my body seems to be staging a revolt of epic Russian Revolution style proportions - and in the process scaring me within an inch of my sanity.  For those who've followed along for a while, or read my food blog will know that I have for the last few years struggled with several bouts of illness.  I know that these started when I started to deal with all the issues of my childhood/teen years.  Now I feel like calling out "No Fair!" to the cosmos because I should be rewarded for dealing with my issues not kicked while I was down.  But alas I was - it started with a dying or dead immune system which left me sick at the mere mention of the presence of a sick person in my vicinity.  I was worse than the average day care child when it came to picking up viruses - and quite frankly that is horrible because I am not a small child who licks all sorts of unfortunate things or doesn't wash their hands... alas.  I was put on numerous antibiotics (which may or may not have been the reason for the GF issues) and so on and so forth and then the hives came.  Oh the glorious hives. And if that wasn't fun enough I started to have problems getting out of bed, up stairs and walking in general.  I went from a marathon runner to a woman who at under 30 paused a minimum of 3 times while trying to climb the stairs up to my office due to the excruciating muscle pain and fatigue.

So last March the epic testing began - it was a time of warm fuzzy feelings and joy - that is if being prodded with an ultrasound wand while having a full bladder at 7am feels amazing.  And in the end after the MRI, ultra sounds, x-rays and urine and stool tests and blood tests for everything between Allergies to Syphilis (because we know that was so the front runner for the cause) the answer was *drum roll* nadda.  Yes folks according the medical community I was on the border of malingering.  So not the case.  I changed my diet - went gluten dairy and soy free and started treatments with Suka my beloved acupuncturist.

I started to walk again, move like a normal person of my age, my skin stopped freaking out and I started to run.  I became human again - until this week.  I have been slowly letting dairy and soy creep into my life because sometimes I have to - they aren't loved by my body but they aren't hated.  Gluten is my enemy.  We are Russia and the USA circa October 4,1957 or any of the years following. 

Anyways, I have a tired unhappy body that refuses to run, a brain that wants to run and all the worry and self doubt that this planner could ever never want...   So if you don't find me around here you know that my brain has sort of shut down in an attempt to not think about the could be's

Birthday Wish

I have finally decided what I want for my birthday this year - NO MORE TESTS!

I would like to take this opportunity to run down all the tests/appointments I've had in the last 12 months, which we could actually just say the last 6 months... this list is also my grand thank you to accessible health care because I can just imagine the kind of debt I would have if I had to consider paying for all of these:

September
General Practitioner visit (GP)
Sinus X-ray
Ear Nose Throat (ENT) visit - nose scope

October
Head/Neck MRI

November
General Practitioner visit

January
General Practitioner visit x 2

March/February
General Practitioner visit

March
Allergist - skin testing
General Blood work
Allergy Blood work
Tested also for STI's, Autoimmune, Parasites, Organ failure - via blood and stool (I know you wanted to know that)

April
Acupuncture

May
Acupuncture
Allergist (no answers)
Chest x-ray
General Practitioner - Physical (oh fun times)
More blood work!!

June
Abdominal and Pelvic ultrasound

I have to say there better not be anymore - I refuse, well I refuse to see anyone but my very nice and possibly handsome sports med doc (he's married) so I go just to talk to him - he's just super nice... not the point though - I want good health and no more tests.

As an aside there is much talk that everything is just stress related, and yes while I have gone through at lot of stress in the last few years a part of me wants to say that this just is damn well not fair and I know life isn't fair, but here's the deal.  I left a toxic (read:abusive) relationship with my ex-fiance and my mother and received and still receive therapy for other and related abuses, I've head my shit together for the most part, sure balls were dropped etc, but why when this was in the end the right thing to do is my body crapping out on me.  HELLO, you think you would be happy, aware that this is all good and a bazillion times better than being married to CEF and likely knocked up and around a few times...  Anyways Wednesday morning rant for y'all

Okay, Now Then

So things are different around here - I am still in the process of making things more accessible. But in the meanwhile we're going to transition to fluctuating format of more pictures, quotes and random bits of my newer life journey thing I've thrown myself into.

You must also forgive me as I am trying to figure out how to use Apple software in addition to this all - I'm begining to think I am going to take the camera to work as the photos did not transfer properly. Ms J the apple lover could you explain why my photos transfer as teeny tiny?

On a happy note as I go off to sniffle my way into bed and hopefully a deep sleep - some music:



PS I have an AB update of sorts - but as for the moment we'll see if he accepts the last curling ticket for the semi-final game on Saturday.

I Need a Man Servant

Yes you heard me, I need a man servant. Someone to do the laundry, the dishes, mop the floor, cook me bland meals and read Frankenstein to me, and when I fall asleep into a Gravol coma, fill the spaces with a human presence. It's lonely being stuck in bed (BR and Ms. J is away for the weekend too). It's even lonelier when you know if I you put aside all your self respect you could ask for someone to come visit your sick self, but there are dishes in the sink, laundry to be washed and a sick body that doesn't want to consider the scrub a dub dubbing that would be necessary before I let someone in... or maybe the only person on the current man servant list is a man who I know it is not truly in his character to come help me...

Oh well on a happier note - while I spend my waking hours on YouTube, check this out:

My Birthday Gift to N

I know she loves them and they are coming to town this month - it was just announced - so for her birthday we're going to try and see them. We aren't going to discuss who I think of when I hear this song, really and truly, nor am I going to take a shot of courage/brain cleaner and text him. For the love of all the that is beautiful - like these Stella McCartney's what the NLLL is wrong with me it's only been a month and oh bloody hell I'm losing my NLLL mind, this is beyond wrong - I need a lobotamy or something

So What Now?

I have sent out my resume again, and likely again and again and again after that... work sucks.

On an equally cheery note my stress has resulted in a cough and sore throat, fatigue and yay me an inability to sleep except on the train. I can sleep there no problem...

N and I were discussing where to now, as the young ones get married and we are still trying to find anything of substance. In a world that still believes there is truth in the Bachelor we are finding the search frustrating. I'm stuck on DB in a bizarre way and I can't figure out what if anything to do with that. The only men that ever seem to look at me these days are after my runs when I look a fright - and I wonder if they are staring at the wetness of my clothes rather than me... I could go the route of having my dad arrange dates, culturally that wouldn't be too far off (arranged marriage is an accepted though rarely used in North America custom - in the Mother land it was common)...

So instead of trying to solve world peace, the singleness epidemic or why people actually are shocked about an affair on the Bachelor when that's what he's doing himself is it not? I am going to go leave my blessed office and head home to something - not quite sure what, maybe a bowl of cereal?

Wanted: A Good Home for My Blackberry

I am aware that I might just have to give my phone away to a babysitter for the time being. See the issue is I am sick, I'm feeling crummy and all I want is someone to take my mind off it, someone to make me laugh, someone to take care of me. Yes I know I'm a woman, and someday I will be a mother so I should have my self preservation in full working order, but I don't, not at this fine moment. In exchange for answering my work emails, scheduling my staff's sick days and fielding calls from my parental unit, I offer you whatever baked good you desire one new item for each 5 days of work - that works out to 4 baked items if we are aiming for the current deadline - works no? I know this all will pass, I will weaken the bonds that should not or should have been formed - I don't know. AB will get his space and I will eventually be granted some perspective and hopefully stop hoping that he'll just a come riding in on his white horse, oops, sorry that's Prince Charming...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jazrulfuad/3690605016/in/set-72157611100545717/