I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive. I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.
This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it. Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere. Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married. And if so, will it be healthy?
It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.
As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library. Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are. And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless. I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom. Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.
All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life
Showing posts with label belgianboy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label belgianboy. Show all posts
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The Week That Was...
So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.
In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.
Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...
First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects. BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.
Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings. HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up. Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that. Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him. Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.
On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates. I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:
Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that. RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case. That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.
In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.
Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...
First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects. BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.
Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings. HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up. Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that. Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him. Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.
On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates. I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:
Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that. RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case. That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Pride or Practicality?
I would like to think that I am not prideful, but let's be serious I'm as prideful as I am vain - which is a lot at times, though I would love to think that both my extreme occasional vanity and my prideful moments are well, practical too.
My vanity aside for the moment - we need to discuss my pride. Now I relinquished it momentarily this summer to let RB know I liked him during a delusional moment brought on by too much library dust. But fear not I have quickly reclaimed it, such that I when faced with the man of the all the set up antics today, I felt that I almost by necessity had to ignore him. I could not bring myself to acknowledge him primarily because a part of me was so damn furious. There across from me sat an attractive man in his 30's and he can hold a conversation of relative intelligence but is also such a bloody tool. It is not okay that he did not respond. Sure I'm not going to go all boil his cat crazy and give him a piece of my mind but I could not bring myself to do anything that might be construed as flirting. Was this prideful, sure but I'm of the opinion if you put the toy down after examining it and finding it wanton you don't pick it up again, regardless of whether anyone is watching.
On a slightly different note but also boy related, Belgium Boy is back in town for the year, which I have to say makes me happier than I think it should but at the same time, I have no desire to have to break my own heart if anything were to happen, we're on two different life tracks. So I will be a good girl, no flirting where you don't want a response.
So on the note of pride:
My vanity aside for the moment - we need to discuss my pride. Now I relinquished it momentarily this summer to let RB know I liked him during a delusional moment brought on by too much library dust. But fear not I have quickly reclaimed it, such that I when faced with the man of the all the set up antics today, I felt that I almost by necessity had to ignore him. I could not bring myself to acknowledge him primarily because a part of me was so damn furious. There across from me sat an attractive man in his 30's and he can hold a conversation of relative intelligence but is also such a bloody tool. It is not okay that he did not respond. Sure I'm not going to go all boil his cat crazy and give him a piece of my mind but I could not bring myself to do anything that might be construed as flirting. Was this prideful, sure but I'm of the opinion if you put the toy down after examining it and finding it wanton you don't pick it up again, regardless of whether anyone is watching.
On a slightly different note but also boy related, Belgium Boy is back in town for the year, which I have to say makes me happier than I think it should but at the same time, I have no desire to have to break my own heart if anything were to happen, we're on two different life tracks. So I will be a good girl, no flirting where you don't want a response.
So on the note of pride:
Monday, May 21, 2012
OH EM GEE and other updates
I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible. Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.
So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.
1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself. So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad. Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal. My dad generously offered to foot the bill. A massively big deal. But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going. So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll
Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.
I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use. It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here. More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD. Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program. So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.
Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.
2. Men
Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be. Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.
b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.
c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations. I just cannot abide his behaviour. He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is. No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day. That day? Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day. Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)
3. Age
I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade. I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue. BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey. On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February. Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous. But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love. Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?
So here is what I need:
Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.
I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them. Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me.
So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:
So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.
1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself. So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad. Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal. My dad generously offered to foot the bill. A massively big deal. But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going. So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll
Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.
I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use. It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here. More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD. Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program. So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.
Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.
2. Men
Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be. Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.
b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.
c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations. I just cannot abide his behaviour. He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is. No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day. That day? Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day. Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)
3. Age
I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade. I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue. BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey. On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February. Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous. But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love. Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?
So here is what I need:
Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.
I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them. Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me.
So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:
Thursday, April 19, 2012
This changes things...
Belgian boy as we will call him for now until I figure out if he's going to get any time on this blog beyond this moment. A group of about 12 of us had an amazingly fun and bitter-sweet send off for him Tuesday night. It made me realize just how much I'm going to miss him, but also what an amazing community of people we have. All of us in a library is somber, all of us in a room with a piano, a diggery doo, a beat boxer and a book of poetry by Banjo Paterson (Man from Snowy River) being rapped and gospel-ballad sung makes for tears from laughter. Bottom line it made me realize how much more time I should be spending with these people rather than it being all about getting out of the program just because the program and I aren't in love at the moment. Definite relationship about the school situation.
But relationship change between me and BelgianBoy? I think I might of torpedoed anything accidentally. I emailed him after the party, just to say thanks I had a great time and in the rush to leave, as I needed to get a ride to the train, I didn't get a mailing address from him. I had wanted to be able to write occasionally and email is well not the kind of thing I like to correspond via these days. I spend too much bloody time at a screen these days - I like paper. Email you can't carry with you if you're having crummy times. But given that was Tuesday night and it's mid day Thursday - the day he leaves potentially forever, and there is no email response. Interesting. I'm just going to leave it. I have too much else on my plate at the moment. Namely recovering from a fun night with JS, and a friendly bet gone awry. We'll talk soon y'all
But relationship change between me and BelgianBoy? I think I might of torpedoed anything accidentally. I emailed him after the party, just to say thanks I had a great time and in the rush to leave, as I needed to get a ride to the train, I didn't get a mailing address from him. I had wanted to be able to write occasionally and email is well not the kind of thing I like to correspond via these days. I spend too much bloody time at a screen these days - I like paper. Email you can't carry with you if you're having crummy times. But given that was Tuesday night and it's mid day Thursday - the day he leaves potentially forever, and there is no email response. Interesting. I'm just going to leave it. I have too much else on my plate at the moment. Namely recovering from a fun night with JS, and a friendly bet gone awry. We'll talk soon y'all
Sunday, April 15, 2012
More thoughts...
But back to Belgian Boy - I have been thinking back, trying to trace if I had or thought or even considered this before this past week. And... I must confess I did. For one brief moment in orientation - he caught my eye. But at that time I was still dating X and I believe you can acknowledge someone's attractiveness but you leave it there when you've got someone. But after that though we were in the same classes together and even a history tutorial together where yes he proved his thoughtfulness by baking cookies without eggs or gluten - a serious challenge. The kicker in the what the hell am I feeling here moment? The place we were all at, is a community house for some of the students, and one of the family's has kids. Seeing a little three year old curled up in his lap had my uterus screaming so loud I am sure every person in the room could hear it. I know I could. Note to single men, genuinely being interested in small children is probably one of the top ways to indirectly turn a woman to mush. But it is what it is - he'll make someone happy and I can take that victory. The world needs good men and that is all I'm fighting for these days.
Though I must say, I find it incredibly amusing that I'm smacked upside the head by this, while trying to avoid a fellow classmate. He and I have had all the same classes this past year, the same late night Tuesday class to be specific. He's a sweet dear man, who is looking for a wife. There is a distinction. There is a distinction between wife and partner hunting. Wife hunting comes across differently, it conveys to me a sense of looking for someone to make life less boring, but not necessarily considering who that person truly is. That is not to say they're misogynists when they do so. Absolutely not, I just do not like being hunted irrespective of who I am and where I am going in life. And since I am up a sh*t creek without a paddle or even a boat these days when it comes to that, why would I get into a relationship where I don't get to figure that out. But that's a bit of a detour. He's sweet, and I'm getting all sorts of signals, the kinds that cannot be obscured in any way. So I have taken to trying to avoid him, in an attempt to discretely give off the signal of not being interested, as I have not desire to pop a single 40 year old man's bubble...
*Supernatural - see I'm catching up on all sorts of tv and wondering if it's doing more or less damage to my brain
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahnwolle/7070950057/sizes/z/in/pool-52239892911@N01/
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