Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

We're Getting All Rebellious In Here

This post might be a bit hard to understand but I'll do my best to explain where I am coming from. I was raised in a family that took certain aspects of their ethnic/religious group/religious beliefs to what some would consider extremes. One such "extreme," dancing was and still is strictly verboten (forbidden).

While there are some religious circles who believe dancing leads to sex, Mennonites seem to believe that sex leads to dancing, which is to say that it is the worst possible activity a single 31 year old woman could be engaging in, even if she was, as I was last night, very clothed.

I still remember my mother's reaction when at 13 she found out that I had been to a lunch time dance that our public school put on (truth be told I'd been to a few of them before she found out about that one). But a 12 or 13 year old's awkward swaying most often at arms length was nothing really and if anything when I look back on it, it wasn't a place for me. That is not reflective of any faith values, but more so being the awkward nerdy plus sized kid that I was with little to no self esteem and no support network, I was easy pickings for being teased and being groped. Let us be honest, regardless of how curvy I might have been I was the only girl in our class with breasts, like real full on breasts and I had had them for a while. Everyone knew it and I knew everyone did. And so when my mother declared that I had seriously transgressed an boundary I was perfectly fine with getting my insecure ass back on the "right side" of it and staying there.

Interestingly our grade 12 grad, non-school sanctioned because there was dancing, boat cruise played out in much the same way, though there was a little more girls dancing with girls. In the end one of my classmates still thought my ass was the best place for his hands and that soured the night.

I have had roommates and even a boss try to get me on the dance floor in various situations, even in East Indian weddings where even the bride joked that I just needed to "open the door" and "screw in the light bulb."

Stepping on to a dance floor as I realized walking home last night was a space I never felt safe in, not so much about the groping and the grinding but more so me. Stepping on to a dance floor meant that I truly needed to be okay with me. I needed to know that I was okay, awkward or not awkward, chubby or curvy and well spanxed, that I, me, this person, in this body was okay and even more mind bending for me worth acknowledging in a celebratory fashion. That I needed to be able embrace a kind of freedom I'm not sure I ever would have been really ready to embrace. But like those things in life that I don't feel ready to embrace there comes a time when I receive the necessary kick in the ass to make me realize I was ready.

I was finally ready last night and it might have been awkward, it might still be awkward from now until the last time I step on a dance floor but you know what, I'm okay with that, even if I'm not sure about some of the song selections.

Thanks to KAB and AE I crossed a major life threshold and we had fun doing it.

One of the songs it is no secret that I do and will always love:

Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

Things that make me smile...

I'm having a little emotionally bumpy week (for lots of reasons) but fear not it is on the upswing.  I have decided to embrace the changes - the life and hair changes - goodness I think I should have done this whole hair thing on impulse and not after dwelling on it for months.  The best way to embrace change is with something new - like new shoes.  And shoes are the best thing for making me feel better - Ms. J actually has many pictures of me in NYC gawking at shoes in window displays.

Drumroll...

Yes it official I have had enough of winter - bring on the skirts and the cute shoes.