I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

Maybe You Can Find a Cutie in the Grocery Store

Yesterday I schlepped off to the grocery store to pick up some food since the shelves around here are getting a little empty.  Of course it was pouring and so regardless of the fact that I needed to shower - I opted to just smack my signature eye liner on and head off - bed head in tow.  Of course this is the day that a cute East side boy with manners would be in the isles of our local market.   Well the good ones are taken for good reasons - and I'm sure he was off the market, or shopping another one all together.  Regardless, I just needed the smile - a remember that while Directory Boy might like them all model looking, that I'm not alone in the whole wide world of single women of respectable and worthy quality.  Heck I live with a woman who should have a line up around the block for her -and she's more single than I am.

So yep - I might have a little pep in my step - so to the boys of this world - smile occasionally, even if you have no intention of dating or even like my gender, it reminds the other half of humanity that there is life out there.

And before I get chewed out for not chatting up the boy - I put an I Saw You on Craigslist acknowledging his manners - if he wants to say hi he can.   But acknowledging good behavior is more important to me right now.

Sad or Maybe Secretly Happy

AB and I are still FB friends, so when his relationship status change came up, I being an ex, decided to check out who has officially come after me.  Hmmm... she's his ex-roommate for whom he had nothing good to say about to me, apparently her antics and drama where so outrageous /unbearable that he moved out.  The relationship actually does not at all surprise me.  AB has a thing for these kinds of women,  they came before me, so it is no surprise that they or she would come after. The question more for me is - so was I a moment of sanity or insanity for AB?  Was I the 30's something part of his brain, saying time to man up and get a girl who doesn't lie, cheat, starve because she doesn't have a stable job and parties all the time.  Or what I the experiment with on of those "straight-laced" kind, the rebel relationship equivalent for a  hipster?  Whatever I was, I am smirking, because honey your 30's may be the new 20's, in some respects, but it doesn't mean you should keep repeating the same mistakes.  Good luck AB, not sure whether to hope you don't get an STI or hope you knock her up and it straightens you out, or neither.  Let's go with neither and a splash of possible infection.

Must Be Married by 2012?

Well according to CW I need to do everything I can to ensure I'll be hitched in 2012 because that's the last good year to get married in for a while.  Apparently 2013 is bad luck, there is no love in or for 2014 and who really wants to be married in 2015, I don't know - more I don't know the future to say for sure who will or will not be.

Now you're likely laughing and shaking your head as we did today at lunch over our bowls of Vietnamese food - trying our hardest not to project noodles through our noses - while CW broke down her reasons why.  Now I will not fault her for having this, in her mind well thought out, because after all she has been desperate for a ring for almost a year now and if she's going to see one before 2018 she's got to bring her A game - hard, fast and relentless in her mind.

So you still think she's crazy, A game or not - well let me give you an example of this girl's mind bending skill.  After snorting on one of my noodles, she turned to me and put it this way:

If it's not next year (apparently she's found someone for me or has her eye on someone more to the point) then it HAS to be (her emphasis) 2014, because Lord have mercy I get married in 2013 - all the bad juju and such like (funny I thought it was the people getting married and not luck that determined success of a marriage...), then by her calculations it would be 2016 before I would have my first child and that my friends would make me 3_. She kind of scared me with that number, I will fully admit that. 

So CW managed to scare me - why on Earth I let her I have no idea.  I've been there done that in the whole planning a wedding business and I know that it is all a complete waste if you are not completely head over stilettos for the person. So be it 2013 or some other prime or socially unfortunate number, when that day comes it comes.

Photo: http://www.etsy.com/listing/53362958/wedding-gown-julietta

I Might Miss My Job

One of N's co-workers came in this morning
Me: You're a vision in pink and purple, like...
N-CW: Barney
N: More like Doctor Barbie"
Me: "Actually more like Scrub Barbie.  Doctor Barbie comes with stilettos, a mini skirt and a stethoscope, those you don't have.

Maybe it's not that funny but I'm going to miss some of the girls here - most of those are ones I don't work with directly... *sigh* but truthfully those feelings diminished pretty quickly when the server this morning decided to be a pain in my ass, the heat is being screwy and I'm exhausted and it isn't even 9:30am.

So I met with the other PU and she's well like Margery Kemp and I guess that is always the way it is going to be so I'm just going to have to get down with that.  The things that I thought she would be negative about she wasn't so heck that's a plus.  But the life-like Margery K isn't really working for me - she was enough in literary format.  Oh well, I guess that's life, it could be worse. 

Like... realizing that John Mayer is the head deity in the Man-Child religion - I have been listening to Taylor Swift's Dear John song on endless repeat, why I don't know to be honest, but the lyrics remind me of AB.  Yes we can question if it is about JM but really it is whether she says it is or not.  So know that I've come to that realization I'm not sure how I benefit - does it mean that man children can renounce their beliefs, does it mean that they can convert later in life - because if that is the case how do I screen for that? Oh why John, why do you need to keep seducing the all the cute talented men over to your dark and twisty but oh so cute cult?

A Little Honesty Time

I am a believer that if you put your fears out in the open that their power over you diminishes.

So folks here it goes:

I am scared shitless about the GRE/GRE Lit exam and graduate school and all that business.  Why?  Well a few years ago I wrote the MCAT which if we are being really honest I did not study well for - though for anyone who's taken it in it's original form I wonder if you could really ever study enough - needless to say I could have and should have studied harder. C'est la vie, and so is this.  I have been studying and reading and reading some more and working on this Shakespeare class - and as much as it all makes me tick and yadda yadda - as much as I can say it's not the MCAT saga, it's scary.  It's beyond scary.

Yep so there is the fear I have been laying out in an attempt to deflate it...

In moments like this I listen to this lovely song - this lady's word has carried me through many moments - this happens to be one of them

I Believe the Hair Colour Has Officially Entered My Brain...

I had the weirdest collection of dreams last night involving AB, a sex text, a large peanut butter cup, travelling, Texas, GRE, literary references, my Blackberry and an assorted cast of characters. Now the peanut butter cup - I know where I got that - Not So Humble Pie's blog , as to the other components - well a huge percentage is intense mulling about of future life options, and as to AB, once the great minds of the world create a liver friendly brain cleaner I will be first in line.

Actually I know why he's there on second though and that is another blog in and of itself - a question HSBFF posed to me. I digress.

I am trying to semi plan with headlong closed minded but not to closed minded perspective, all the while knowing that I will have to move from my home town and country. The PhD/Masters programs are all in another country... one being far south in Costa Rica, or in Europe. So I being that I can say I'm under the influence of peroxide and or ammonia - here are my options

1. English MA/MFA/PhD program - the rough list includes: Oregon, California and New York right now - it will be expanding - I intend on apply to 10 schools

2. 1-2 MBA/Non-profit administration courses most are on the East Coast

3. UN Peace - Costa Rica

4. Drum roll... CC would be so happy if this one happen... Culinary School.

In the end I have a year until I have to make decisions about 2-4... right now it's all about the books - Wuthering Heights has replaced Passage to India because I just couldn't stomach it.

I know the song doesn't really related but in tiny response to the vitriol being pumped out against the Olympics Games in Vancouver, I say that I am proud of it, all of it, including KD's performance (this is from a previous event)

Half of My Heart...

Knows that it's going to have to put it's desire for a cuddle in the fading light of a Sunday afternoon away and embrace this shaky journey I've started. I know in many ways my pursuit of graduate school has really nothing to do with being single and/or picky, but the increasing weight of it is making realize that it is my relationship, for now. I will have to find comfort in the books that I'm plowing through, that my weekend adventures with Ms J will become centered on things unrelated to boys/men. So on that note you might find that my desire to write ebbs and flows and for that I'm extremely sorry. I know that as Anne Lamott says " writing is for some of us the latch that keeps the door of the pen closed, keeps these crazy ravenous dogs contained" and it is very much like that for me, but I also find that running does equally well with keeping the random ADD nature of my brain on ice...

So on that note I'm going to find some John Mayer, the open bottle of Pinot Gris in the fridge and make a very extensive Graduate school reading list to aid my GRE language exam

Valentine's Day

I have no moral objection to Valentine's Day. Seriously I don't. Weird. I do however have a moral objection to the idea that there will be a man some day in my life who will believe it is important. It is not. It is important that he remember my favorite colour *cough* pink *cough* or my favorite flowers (rose, peonies, tulips, freesia - any are good choices) etc, remember things I like etc. But you know what? I like those things year round. Like a big vase of pink tulips randomly arriving on the muckiest "winter" day around here would be more amazing then a singing card and a vase of overpriced roses (near death)... I know I'm asking too much. I know I'm picky and demanding and not thinking about how hard spontaneity and individual thought are.

So if he can only be spontaneous once in his life time I pray that it is when it involves a Legacy-esque ring and the act of proposing to my sorry self - in other words if he tries to do it on Valentine's day regardless of the carat, the answer will be no. Picky yes, crazy, I don't think so, but then again that might be because I have nothing to test it against.

PS. I will also admitt CEF managed the flowers thing - but he complained about the cost and never ever got a colour I would like or a type I remotely liked... and I am a horrible person for saying that, still

Ohhhh

On a completely different note - I went for a run though it was a very short - ie 30 minute run today. It was my first run in a month, I almost well you know, at the bliss of finally being able to feel that joy of flying around corners, of hearing only the sound of my breathing and the plod plod plod of my shoes on the ground. Even more exciting, despite what is being prayed for, danced for and even supported by the groundhogs, it is officially spring outside - the trees are blooming, the world is green and I ran in capris, a tee and arm warmers - no toque, no jacket, no long tights, no mittens. Was beyond bliss until I started my core work - that's when I put on OM's theme song, though I think we are going to reclaim it and give it to my equally annoying core work out.