A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.

Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

Lawyer Guy Update

Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.

1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.

2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.

3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)

4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.

5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.

I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.

So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.

Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.

So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.

If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

Pride or Practicality?

I would like to think that I am not prideful, but let's be serious I'm as prideful as I am vain - which is a lot at times, though I would love to think that both my extreme occasional vanity and my prideful moments are well, practical too.

My vanity aside for the moment - we need to discuss my pride.  Now I relinquished it momentarily this summer to let RB know I liked him during a delusional moment brought on by too much library dust.  But fear not I have quickly reclaimed it, such that I when faced with the man of the all the set up antics today, I felt that I almost by necessity had to ignore him.  I could not bring myself to acknowledge him primarily because a part of me was so damn furious.  There across from me sat an attractive man in his 30's and he can hold a conversation of relative intelligence but is also such a bloody tool.  It is not okay that he did not respond.  Sure I'm not going to go all boil his cat crazy and give him a piece of my mind but I could not bring myself to do anything that might be construed as flirting.  Was this prideful, sure but I'm of the opinion if you put the toy down after examining it and finding it wanton you don't pick it up again, regardless of whether anyone is watching.

On a slightly different note but also boy related, Belgium Boy is back in town for the year, which I have to say makes me happier than I think it should but at the same time, I have no desire to have to break my own heart if anything were to happen, we're on two different life tracks.  So I will be a good girl, no flirting where you don't want a response.

So on the note of pride:

Life is Weird

I think we all know that, but I mean some days I seriously wonder about things, like how we can wander around so close to amazing things happening and then tumble into them.  I would love to tell you all about the amazing day I had, unfortunately no work has come out of it, and there might be some in the future, but it was a good connection day.  Good, good stuff - no men stuff in that good, good stuff - yay me, doing healthy stuff for me stuff.

And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name.  It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit.  But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this.  So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead.  You Google them of course!  And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours!  How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird.   Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made.  I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt.  I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes.  But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother.  It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.

And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.

Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.

What Have I Done?!!!

I have signed up for an online dating site, 5 years after I shut down my last account.  I must admit that while a lot has happened in my life in the last 5 years, it seems that not a lot has happened in the online dating world.  I am still over educated and fishing around in a pool of men who seem to seriously undervalue the importance of a capitalized "I."  It will be good for laughs with JS and my roommate, but I seriously doubt that anything will come of it. But I will let you know.

So in light of this whole profile business I must post this which seems to be the story of my life these days.  Not me sleeping around, but I've sort of, shall we say marginally, come to accept that I am going to be the "slut" of the school.  Personally I hate the word, I wouldn't use it on anyone, but it seem in my very conservative school that because I'm a woman with breasts who does occasionally have cleavage or my shoulders bar that I'm scandalous.  Even further to that scandal I'm a feminist who uses birth control which according to a very interesting but ultimately sad  conversation with DirectoryBoy, who if you remember is a medical doctor, birth control is only for promiscuous women.  Yes you heard me.  I guess I haven't been using mine to its full potential.

Primarily because I love this site: http://editorrealtalk.tumblr.com/

OH EM GEE and other updates

I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible.  Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.

So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.

1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself.  So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad.  Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal.  My dad generously offered to foot the bill.  A massively big deal.  But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going.  So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll

Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.

I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use.  It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here.  More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD.  Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program.  So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.

Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.

2. Men

Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be.  Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.

b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.

c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations.  I just cannot abide his behaviour.  He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is.  No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day.  That day?  Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day.  Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)

3. Age

I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade.  I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue.  BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey.  On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February.  Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous.   But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love.  Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?

So here is what I need:

Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.

I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them.  Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me. 

So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:

Wear and Tear

My room-mate and I were having a discussion about younger men this past weekend.  I have been trying to get my head around the idea of dating someone younger for two reasons.  One because I think someone completely sweet is interested in me.  I think he's nice and I because I think he's nice I might on the off chance that there could be something more consider a date.  If he asked - at this rate he is definitely moving at a snails pace.  And who knows maybe the idea of dating someone 4 years older is a little bit of an issue for him - aside from him being smaller than me in every way.  That issue aside - in a general sense I know there are some really good catches at school they're just all in the 4-8 years younger range.  If you're wondering why the gap - there are a lot of new straight from their undergraduate people and then there are the rest of us near or over thirty who have worked or done other degrees - I having done both.   At the end of the conversation, my room-mate and I agreed that the age isn't so much of an issue and the life experience.  I want a man with a little wear and tear in his life, especially on his heart and soul.  I think your twenties are the time you bash yourself around a little bit, you figure out first hand why you believe something, why you love and even more generally what you love.  And while I don't think there is anything wrong with young people getting married - they normally do the experiencing together or they're completely oblivious to it.  But as someone well beyond that, I am very aware of what my decade-ish difference in experience has provided me with.

So bottom line - as cute as that 22 year old is, as charming as he might be - I cannot in good conscience even consider it knowing in the back of my brain, I'll be thinking of how many miles I've put into life, when he's still in many ways still just figuring out the basics of momentum.