And it seems to be called let's see how big a pile of NLLL'ery I can create and then live in.
AE went to drop off the book in question and found despite the scheduling that he was unavailable and she wasn't interested (and nor should she be) in hanging around until he was free so that I could get the bracelet and etc back, which was the main part of his hissy fit.
Oh dude, this whole business of control is:
Seriously:
And even T-Swizzle the Queen of your kind agrees.
Again - I know you think this is all about you, and your life, and your dreams and your heart and your guilt and on and on and on, but please:
And yes I will say that I did want you bad but you know what's awesome - there is a little Queen B in all of us who just needs friends to show us how much better we are and how fierce we can be on a dance floor.
And again dude, this is a wreck of your own making right from the beginning, check it, seriously because you're going to be the one needlessly suffering.
And on the last note the song that had me almost busting out some kicks and jazz hands at the bus stop this morning:
And on that note there is a name change - NLLL-EB or NB from henceforth Update: NB claims that AE screwed up and that she should have interrupted his meeting or called before getting there despite my confirmation that 11 today was fine. NLLL-NLLLing-NLLL dude.
I have signed up for an online dating site, 5 years after I shut down
my last account. I must admit that while a lot has happened in my life in the last 5 years, it seems that not a lot has happened in the
online dating world. I am still over educated and fishing around in a
pool of men who seem to seriously undervalue the importance of a
capitalized "I." It will be good for laughs with JS and my roommate,
but I seriously doubt that anything will come of it. But I will let you
know.
So in light of this whole profile business I must post this which seems to be the story of my life these days. Not me sleeping around, but I've sort of, shall we say marginally, come to accept that I am going to be the "slut" of the school. Personally I hate the word, I wouldn't use it on anyone, but it seem in my very conservative school that because I'm a woman with breasts who does occasionally have cleavage or my shoulders bar that I'm scandalous. Even further to that scandal I'm a feminist who uses birth control which according to a very interesting but ultimately sad conversation with DirectoryBoy, who if you remember is a medical doctor, birth control is only for promiscuous women. Yes you heard me. I guess I haven't been using mine to its full potential.
Primarily because I love this site: http://editorrealtalk.tumblr.com/
BWSMU it is! And he's gone MIA again... I really have to say that mixed signals are my biggest frustration, especially with the younger boys...
Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures. The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.
Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.
Well I have decided that I have had enough of being worried about the return of CEF into my personal or interweb space. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going change the format, but I am going to simplify my blogging (I have two non-linked blogs apart from this one) and make some personal and somewhat public changes.
Change 1: As noted above - I'm going to merge my Gluten Free sometimes Dairy/Soy Free food blog with my Running Blog - and once that is done, that will be linked here at S&P central command.
Change 2: I'm chopping off a large chunk of my hair (read: several inches) and dyeing it blond. Why? Well one - because I can, and two because I am ready even for a few months to say good bye to my most public statement of change. I dyed my hair and chopped off my "wedding" growth and more when CEF was booted from my life. So this change is to say in the most metaphoric way possible - I have found light in my life - in peace and joy. In the beautiful friends like Ms J who have found ways to hold tight to someone who was so very often coming unglued.
Change 3: As noted, I like to run. I will say that even today as my ability to tackle stairs, chairs, ramps, curbs and even toilets is seriously limited - I truthfully love to run. Why? Because running is my body's reminder to me that you can do it. Even when you don't think you can, even when it all seems to come unhinged, one foot in front of the other. When I stopped running away from the pain in my life and towards it with the help of amazing people - it was no longer terrifying. It hurt, just like the 26.2 miles I did on Sunday hurt like hell. My body didn't want to do, it really really didn't want to do it, but it did. SO, on that note I have decided when I run my next marathon to do it for a Rape/Sexual Assault NGO. I know you can run for Cancer, you can run for Water, you can run for Clean Water - all are great things to run for, but for me, I wanted to be able to move to the place in my life where I can own my survivor-ship. Where I can say publicly: I know the statistics, I know I am not alone and I know that it shouldn't be a secret - the shame has to end and that starts within me.
Change 4: Even though I'm not single as of a few days ago (long story that I've promised will not become blog material). But that does not mean the fun is going to stop around here - oh no no no - the dating world continues on - and no that also does not mean that I'm not devoted to X - I just know there is enough crazy sh*t going on in this world of non-married folk, whether they be single or not to not comment on it. And so I will.
I am aware I'm making a statement as obvious as the presence of saline in Pam Anderson's chest region. Regardless - it sucks.
Case 1
My PU just finalized a loan to pay off my credit card - my PU who just got everything in the black went red for me - talk about guilt. It's not a free loan - oh no, just he has no interest rate other than grandchild. Yes he directly asked me to provide him grandbabies - what about a son in law first? He's likely to be child like... I did consent to grandbabies - guess I need to get dating. Sigh. Strings attached to EVERYTHING.
Case 2
Asking for help though a sign of a maturity is also a sign that I am not as mature as I would like to be. I don't have the confidence I wish I had or think I should have. Tonight I am meeting with my professor to discuss my proposal for my 15 page paper. This all coming on the heels of what is still my permanent nausea about the last paper. I know that in meeting with him I can be critiqued, become better and grow as a writer. But who likes to be critiqued on something they are passionate about? You can tell me my singing sucks - I am down with that because it doesn't happen in the presence of any mammals lest I burst their eardrums. If you tell me my cooking is horrible I'm likely to impale you with a spatula or something similarly blunt. Even worse talking literature with my professor is like talking to an uber hot dude who hits on you. Your brain while trying to shove out the feeling a camera crew is going to jump out and yell "PUNK'D" or something like that, is also trying to be witty, calm, cool and brilliant. In the end you end up looking like Heidi Montag, expressionless and vacant upstairs, and likely drooling in your Cosmo.
Case 3
As part of Case 1 I have to submit a budget and open all my spending to my PU. Boo I can deal with other people's finances just not my own, I would rather ignore that, thanks. Guess not went you're getting bailed out of the shit hole that started 2 years ago by your ever patient PU.
Case 4
You accept that making a fool out of Mr. Bombastic in your class, just makes you more of bitch in the end, and you're not really down with that. So Mr. Bombastic unless you seriously misstep consider yourself safe.
So we know I did a major purging and rearranging of my room in preparation for:
1. My GRE study books 2. My accessory reading 3. Marathon prep - I have to be organized. 4. For the day in which I stop having to fight to forget, the day when the memories slowly disappear - you know that Harry Potter version of memory removal would be fabulous. Absolutely - someone get on that. Me? Well I'm going to go to bed with one thing on my wind, why on God's green and blooming Earth did I have ice cream - oh owie you know that is the worst form of dairy product to enter your system...
Start Planning! Actually I'm posting the video because while it may be sappy junk it has some good lines in this lovely tidbit, so while I'm drinking myself out of my slippers and under a table, artificial Christmas tree or something else other than AB who I might add I am allowed to stupidly mope about for the remainder of this year... here's my offering. And fear not my dear ones I have officially lost his number so there will be no drunk texting to be discussed, nevermind I'm going to be a whole freaking country away... though that would make for a delicious blog, but oh he of iron will is long good, good riddance I hope the next one rips him the new one that I should have or something like that... I can say that with no fear because Santa knows I've been bad this year and I offer no apologies, none what so ever for being naughty.
and whatever possibility there was of a relationship. OM and his ex had a chat about their status, turns out she dropped him like a hot potato or something and has a new man. So OM who's spent the better part of at least two months pineing for her now has it as clear as day it's not going happen. Ouch. So how do I know this? I'm the crying shoulder apparently. Ouch. Yes I've been officially religated to female friend status, I've been defeminized or whatever. Now, dear readers I did think that I could f*ck with the situation and play up the rescuerer roll and get whatever I could get out of that, but really? For one we know it's not going to go down like that - I'll nurse him back to happiness and he'll move on and I'll have one hell of a broken heart... um no I'm too old for trying any of that bs. So there we go - he sailed the dock away from the ship somehow... I wasn't expecting that.
Just in case you're all wondering I even said I won't be the shoulder to cry on because it's not fair for me... wow sometimes even though it is right, the adult voice in me sounds so foreign.
A country song for all the broken hearted ones out there...
