A Case of Empty Bed Syndrome

I posted a long time ago about this issue, here.  Most days I am too damn tired or just emotionally disconnected from that aspect of my sexuality, often intentionally delineated because I do not have the space and time in my life to wrestle with it and its feelings. But this morning, even last night, as I laid down all I wanted was someone in my bed, to hold me.

It is hard to deal with but thankfully often easy to forget in the swirl of papers and everything of the deep security of that human contact, of any really deep human contact, especially that from a man. And I will even say it's a little frustrating to be reminded that I do really need it and that it can make me feel all sorts of things I don't know if I really want to at this time. I don't blame the reason for these feelings. But it has given me big things to consider. Like why I felt guilt, like I was cheating on X. Now my brain and heart know it's been a very long time since X and I were a couple and I know he's not coming back around, and as much as I love him, he and I are slowly drifting apart in time and life - what either of us truly needs we are neither.

Now I know there will be questions of subplot/background, I will say only that MW stopped by for a visit during one of his many intentional wanderings across the country. It was crazy to think of the circumstances we had met under all those years ago in the Fall of 2007, even crazier to think that the date that ended with a handshake and a slightly bruised heart for me, became a great supportive friendship where hugs are safe place and a place of growth.

That growth? I realized something sad and profound about myself, the size of my partner/interest has since CEF, and even before him had a significant weight in my life. Not their weight but their height, their presence. It's this small place of fear that still somehow has a voice that says if he's bigger than me, he can hurt me. I realized that this semester when a new student being friendly struck up a conversation with me, and all I could think was you're too tall and at the same time why the NLLL am I scared.

I guess I'm always a work in progress - and who knows maybe that's why the space in the bed next to me is empty - it's where my brain needs to reside on mornings like today rather than the warmth of a safe man.

Postscript: Apparently I forgot to mention that now I'm fighting off the needies? The conscious understanding that what I want and what I need may be fine but the expectation that someone else can, should or even be asked to address those needs is beyond unfair... putting the head before the heart before the other h words too

Awesomeness

I recently gave in to Songza much to my roommate's despair - I love the 90's music. Quite practically the 90's blew for the most part - teenage awkwardness and family drama, BUT the music has happy memories for me. That is one gift my PU's gave me, an intense love for music, especially for the purposes of remembering happy memories. For example I could tell my roommate the time and significance of each song that came on the 90's School Dance mix. But I was able to top that with the Boy Band mix.

Now I have a confession to make, I am still at my heart, a 15 year old BSB fan girl, and I might have all their music videos memorized to the degree that I could even at my age repeat the dance steps and we all know I do not dance. Oh the memories. BSB's second album tour was the first concert I went to alone and it was at the height of a very prolonged crush on an older boy. Oh the stories I could tell. Those boys, all the boy bands represented what I wanted - someone to acknowledge I was alive and maybe even more so that I wasn't as ugly as I felt. I wanted a way in that moment to feel all that they were expressing. Thankfully now the angst is gone and I can just enjoy the cheesey-ness of it all and remind that inner 15 year old fan girl that she was and still is awesome with or without the NSYNC declarations.

But on that note I needed to share this song, which was one of the first and last slow dance songs I have danced to - my teens and even adulthood were spent in no dancing zones, so oddly this song holds a lot of memories. I could even tell you which boy it probably was too...

*Sigh*

Paper is kicking my ass, I'm exhausted from life and I more than want sleep, I need it.  But oh well. So yes we will be ever slowly progressing forward on the whole signing up business, now that it has been suggested that I just suck it up and use my Twitter identity, since my Tweets are for the majority intentionally vague.  You know I will say some days I feel like I'm in the witness protection program or something and that one small slip up with come back to haunt me.  Now I know those who don't know CEF think I'm crazy, and those who do wonder why I haven't made other actions.  For me it's a fine balance of having someone else keep an eye on his location and general status (we have a mutual friend who vaguely keeps me updated - her choice not mine) and I do everything I can not to pop up on his radar in any way shape or form, and the rest I control by limiting his ability to find me in any location.  So given all that I will say that all the sh*t associated with CEF is not reflective of online meeting/dating or men in general.  No rather it is reflective of a man like Othello and Leontes (damn paper) who chooses to view women as the source of all evil in the world, instead of looking at himself.  And because he sees women that way it affects his actions... so on and so forth and yadda yadda.

So all that's left for me is to pick some pictures from Ms. J's Flickr and go forth into the gray and murky yonder.

Memories

Ms. J and I are going through the spring brain funk/I hate my job/I have NO inspiration/can I crawl into a hole and hibernate phase.  So in an attempt to cheer us both up, a trip down memory lane - one year ago aside from being set to fly to Oklahoma, Ms J and I were set to fly to NYC. Oh NYC how we miss you and your PinkBerry.

Yes that is me just out side of NYU's campus - looking at this picture makes me want to consider that MFA degree again - problem is as mentioned above my brain is fried.

I'm Ready...

So we know I did a major purging and rearranging of my room in preparation for:

1. My GRE study books
2. My accessory reading
3. Marathon prep - I have to be organized.
4. For the day in which I stop having to fight to forget, the day when the memories slowly disappear - you know that Harry Potter version of memory removal would be fabulous. Absolutely - someone get on that. Me? Well I'm going to go to bed with one thing on my wind, why on God's green and blooming Earth did I have ice cream - oh owie you know that is the worst form of dairy product to enter your system...

More Leona:

As I Was Awake Last Night at 1:30am

I resisted the urge to text someone I couldn't even text - I had deleted the number, now true it is written down in my purse with everyone else's numbers of importance because of the nature of my phone as of late... but I thought about all the memories that I want to remember... so in the vein of catharsis and all that here starts that list mostly in order

1. Miss 50's party
2. Texts from NYC to home
3. Birthday party
4. A week later dropping off cookies and staying out so late walking around the downtown that AR called to make sure I was alive
5. Indian food - racing to get to the same bus stop from opposite sides of town, we arrived at the exact same time
6. Celebration of Country's nationhood day
7. Ms. J's birthday party
8. Monday movie nights
9. Texting from home to Montreal
10. Continuation of Monday night movies, adding Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, some Sundays too - late late bus rides home and all that
11. Being introduced to Avatar, becoming addicted
12. Taking care of him when he was sick
13. Being taken care of when I became sick
14. The weekend that has been over analysed on the blog
15. The following weekend that involved lots of gin... and so the story went
16. More movie nights...
17. The night
18. Following nights...blah blah blah
19. Race weekend - the I miss you, rather be with you weekend
20. One of multiple attempts at a break
21. Philadelphia weekend
22. Texting stopped
23. And here we stand... it was so much more sappy and poetic in my mind but hell you don't want that and those memories are pretty clear still from the last 6 months.

Nasty part of all this is I'll miss all of it, the firsts, the hand holding, snuggles, his smell... oh well someone just spike my morning coffee and this day will be all good.